THE SIGNIFICANCE OF YOUR CIRCLE IN TIMES OF CRISIS

All I wanted to do was to celebrate the New Year with my husband at home. My vision was for me and my husband to be home alone in our PJs eating, laughing, and endlessly watching movies and TV show. This New Years celebration was supposed to be fun, casual, and entertaining, and it was.

It ended up not being the New Years celebration I envisioned. But my husband is a true extrovert, and there’s no arguing with an extrovert. According to him, there was also no arguing with him as we celebrated New Years on our own the previous year. Luckily for me, the pandemic actually did me a favour. We couldn’t possibly have a house full of people. We invited three people to come celebrate with us. One person couldn’t make it because she got sick during the holidays (not Covid-19 related), so there were only four of us celebrating the New Year. Having only two other people celebrating with us seemed like a compromise.

I was the only woman of the four; the rest of them were men. But that didn’t matter to me. These were two of our closest friends, so I felt 100% comfortable. We ended up having a great time. I’d even say the night turned out to be better than I expected. That was up until I started having seizures. Luckily, the seizures started AFTER the countdown to 2022. But as time went and the partying continued, the seizures worsened. It went from them being minor and me being able to hide them to feeling as though someone is pulling me with all the strength that they have. At some point, the seizures became so physically painful that with each one, I screamed at the top of my lungs. I was afraid all the people living in my building would hear my screams and someone would eventually call the cops.

My husband attempted to ease my seizures, as well as the pain I was experiencing. He gave me all the pills he could find that he thought would help me. He comforted me each time he saw I was uncomfortable or in pain. He did and said all the right things, and I eventually calmed down and the seizures then stopped. I was so embarrassed. I felt the same embarrassment as I did when my condition first worsened.

This time, though, I witnessed something I hadn’t before in the first few years after my epilepsy diagnosis with my old friends that are no longer in my life. This time, the two friends we had over didn’t treat me any different while I was struggling to get through the seizures. In the years that I was diagnosed, my friends at the time would give me the ‘Oh no, poor girl!’ look, or the ‘This is so f*cking weird and awkward!’ look, or the ‘Oh gosh, I don’t know how to help her!’ look!’ This time on New Years, on the other hand, there were no such looks. In fact, there were no looks whatsoever; like, NONE!

My friends continued on with their night of fun, still conversing with each other, as well as me. When I realized that I was still treated like a human while I having seizures, I felt at peace. The embarrassment faded, and even though I was struggling to get through the night, I was still happy. It was still a night of celebration, and absolutely nothing had to change.

My friends ended up staying at my place overnight. My husband and I wanted to make sure they went home safely, and having them stay over was the only way for us to do that. But I was so glad they stayed over. I was still having minor seizures then, but I felt much better. All four of us had breakfast together, and then my husband had some alone time with friend #1, and I had my alone time with friend #2. Friend #2 and I watched a movie. We watched ‘Bridesmaids’, which starred Kristen Wiig and Melissa McCarthy. It’s a classic and I could watch the movie 10,000 times and never get tired of it.

Once the movie ended, friend #2 and I did some in-depth conversing. All throughout our three years of friendship, we’ve based it on deep and meaningful conversations, and that’s exactly what I lacked when I was first diagnosed, so it was refreshing to know that there was someone I could have those conversations with. Not that friend #1 isn’t great. But he’s more of my husband’s friend from college, and they have their own unique connection.

Friend #2 and I talked about the previous night, specifically the part where I had seizures. He said that he saw a completely different side of me, as well as my relationship with my husband, the night before. He saw parts of a marriage that are usually kept private and aren’t seen by others. That was something that was very nurturing and affectionate. He also said that he and friend #1 didn’t feel they needed to treat me any differently or feel sorry for me while I was having the seizure attacks, because of my husband’s nurturing ways AND because they both knew I was strong enough to get through it. When I told friend #2 about my past experience with my former friends, he said these former friends of mine weren’t mature enough to see just how strong of a person I was, I am, and always will be.

Hearing all this from someone else made me realize just how important it is to be surrounded by the right people – by people that are on your level. It’s not easy to do, but not impossible either. Sometimes, you’re friends with just the right people, but the timing is impossible. I reconnected with some of my old friends too. It’s mostly important to understand your worth. Sometimes, you’ll be in the wrong too, but maturity is also about realizing that you’re in the wrong and learning and growing for it.

I don’t regret any of my friendships, no matter how bad they turned out to be. Each and every person in who was in my life in any stage came into my life for a reason, whether I like it or not. I’d like to think of myself as a very open-minded person. I’d be open to reconnect with old friends. But there’s one rule that I won’t ever change – if you f*ck with my health, I don’t ever want you in my life again.