My son recently turned a year old. It’s mind-blowing to me that my little person is already a toddler. Time went by too fast. I went through a heck of a lot in the past year, and my husband did too. I’ve written about my fertility struggles on this blog back when the feelings were raw and fresh, but these past fertility struggles seem to be almost non-existent as so much has happened since then. This past year was a true test. It tested my qualifications as a mother. It was a test to my emotional and physical strength. It tested my health. And finally, it tested my relationship with my husband.
My life turned a complete 180 from the moment my son was born. Initially, I thought my life had changed from the moment I found out I was pregnant, but I was wrong. As soon as your child is born, something inside of you changes, and only those that experience it can understand it. Those around me tried to explain that to me before I had a child. I desperately wanted to understand what they were talking about for years – the entire time I went through infertility. And I finally did as of November 16, 2022.
Motherhood is anything but glamorous. I didn’t think it would be. I’m not delusional. I was most definitely naive though. I didn’t think having a baby would be THAT hard; as hard as it was for me. I thought motherhood, the first 6 months at least, was all about feeding the baby, changing the baby’s diapers, and a few sleepless nights here and there. Firstly even changing a diaper and feeding my son was hard. I didn’t even know how to change a diaper and I had trouble feeding him as I had trouble holding him properly while breastfeeding him when he was just born. But I adapted and learned how to do everything MY way.
The sleepless nights were brutal. I breastfed my son for the first two months of his life, and those two months were the hardest when it came down to sleep. It really seemed as though I didn’t sleep at all those two months, and I’m honestly so surprised that I didn’t ens up having seizures. I wanted to quit breastfeeding so badly. I felt like a failure as a mother because I couldn’t do it properly. I wasn’t comfortable, nor was my baby comfortable. And because of my physical hardships, I had a tough time connecting with my baby. I was too focused on doing everything perfectly. In reality, though, there’s no such thing as perfect. There’s no such thing as doing everything perfectly or being the perfect mom.
I was so focused on being the perfect mom that I forgot to take care of myself. I lost myself in my child. I’m not the only one to lose herself and practically forget that taking care of herself is important. I previously wrote a blog post about how my son wasn’t my #1 priority while proving that my health was my #1 priority. When I spoke about health at the time, I mainly talked about epilepsy, as I do most of the time. Now that I’ve had the time to think and reflect on life after having a baby, I realize that a woman’s health postpartum is way more than any pre-existing conditions.
Heather Rae El Moussa, who previously appeared on ‘Selling Sunset’ and worked as an agent at The Oppenheim Group, recently shared her new health diagnosis – Hashimoto’s disease. For those of you that don’t know, Hashimoto’s disease as an autoimmune disease occurs when your body makes antibodies that attack the cells in your thyroid. The thyroid then can’t make enough of the thyroid hormone. Many people with this problem have an under-active thyroid gland.
El Moussa, who’s married to another TV personality , Tarek El Moussa, and is the stepmother to his two children with Christina Hall, gave birth to her first child, Tristan, in January of this year. When she she spoke of her symptoms, she mentioned that she told her assistant she felt so tired that she told her assistant she felt she was dead. Because she’d just had a baby and was hormonal, she avoided those symptoms and blamed that new chapter in her life for being so tired. Luckily, though, she went to the doctor, got herself fully checked, and received an actual diagnosis that could be treated with the help of science.
It was the blaming the tiredness on having a newborn child that got me. Don’t get me wrong, being a new mother and taking care of a newborn is hard; super hard; f*cking super hard. The fact of the matter is, however, having a new baby isn’t always a reason for you, as a woman, to stop listening to your body. It’s not a reason for you to excuse every single change to your body for having a baby. Sometimes, it’s a lot more than that, and you must always take notice, pay attention, and make sure you always take care of yourself first.
When I first had my son, my pain priority was taking care of my health. And when I say health, I mean epilepsy and making sure I was seizure-free. It was a scary time for me. I suffered two grand-mal seizures when I was pregnant. I almost lost my son, and I can’t imagine not having him here with me. I know every parent says it about their child, but having my son here with me, especially considering my health struggles when I was pregnant with him, is a a miracle and a blessing. Sometimes, I look at my son and start crying because I can’t believe that after everything I’d gone through to have him, he’s still here – happy and healthy.
But just as I said at the beginning of this blog post, a woman’s health after having a baby isn’t just about one thing. A woman’s health after having a baby can mean multiple things. Just like Heather Rae El Moussa, I was tired as f*ck when my son was first born. The fact that I had physical difficulties due to me having cerebral palsy, as well as the constant fear of me having a seizure while taking care of my infant son, didn’t make things any better or easier.
I had a lot of help when my son was just born, and I still do a year later. As soon as he was born, my mother-in-law came from Israel to help me and my husband out taking care of the baby. She was at my house everyday all from morning until evening for 10 days straight. I didn’t appreciate that help at the time, but now that I look back, I realize that those 10 days felt like the best 10 days of my entire life. My parents have also been a big help this entire year. My husband works remote 3 days a week, and when he works from home, I come to my parents’ house with my son for at least half a day when I feel that I need help or when I’m just bored.
The first year of my son’s life wasn’t easy on neither me nor my husband. We weren’t prepared for the hardships of having a baby. I don’t think anything could ever prepare anyone for the hardships of having a baby. Theoretically, you know the first year is the hardest. But realistically, you don’t know the depth of that hardship until the baby actually comes. My hormones were at an all time high, I was having a hard time taking care of the baby because of my cerebral palsy, and breastfeeding was a full-time job. My husband was having a hard time emotionally and mentally. The fear of of not being a good father to our little boy, as well as the fear of potentially not being able to take care of our family financially took a toll on him. Suddenly, it wasn’t just the two of us anymore. Our priority wasn’t us anymore; it was our son. Everything was about him.
My mom recently told my husband that a woman never forget how she’s treated during pregnancy and during the first year of her child’s life. I can attest to that. I could tell my husband wasn’t himself. That’s not to say I was an angel. I wasn’t, and I know I wasn’t. But I was also reacting to what I saw as being a disgrace and disrespect to me. I wasn’t just his wife anymore. I was the mother of his child. We’d be in each other’s lives forever even if we were to get a divorce. We’d been bound to be in each other’s lives for the rest of our lives for the sake of this new person in our lives.
With that being said, the most important thing for a child to see is their parents respecting each other. Two people can’t get along ALL THE TIME, and it’s important for a child to see that in their home life. But what’s even more important for a child to see is their parents loving, respecting, and supporting one another. Just recently, I saw an Instagram post where a coach wrote about why it was important for a woman to have a supportive partner postpartum, and why it was important. Her take on having a supportive partner was that it decreases postpartum depression symptoms, decreases postpartum anxiety symptoms, improves communication between the two parents, and creates a team dynamic.
I wish I could say I had all the support in the world during the first year of my son’s life. But I didn’t. My husband didn’t support me at all. He was a great support with my son. He loved him with his whole entire being from the moment our son was born. He was a big help physically speaking with the baby. He took a lot of responsibilities on himself. Emotionally and mentally speaking, though, we were clashing. We weren’t seeing eye to eye, and we were bickering like cats and dogs for months. We couldn’t understand each other . He, specifically, couldn’t understand me and what I was going through after giving birth.
I just wanted to feel like we were a team. I wanted to feel like he was on my side, always, but he wasn’t. For one, I always said I wouldn’t allow my father-in-law to see our son. A couple of weeks after giving birth, my mother-in-law convinced me to changed my mind, but it was only so that my young sisters-in-law could meet their new nephew. My father-in-law was the same old person and showed the utmost disrespect to the mother of his supposed grandchild. When I confronted my father-in-law about this and told him if that behaviour continued, I wouldn’t allow him to see my son at all, he said he didn’t care about his existence anyways. So I decided that that would be the end of it, and that my father-in-law wouldn’t be involved in my son’s life in any shape or dorm. I thought my husband and I were on the same page, but I was lied to. And not only that, but I was tricked too. A month later, it was my sister-n-law’s birthday. My husband knew that his father would be there, but he failed to tell me, so I agreed to go. All of a sudden, my father-in-law walks through the door. My heart sank. Not because my father-in-law was there, but because my husband manipulated me. That wasn’t enough for my husband either. He then my father-in-law to the celebration party we were having with our family and friends behind my back. He gave me the excuse that he wanted to show his father that he was a nobody and a nothing compared to everyone who surrounds us, and that no one cares about him. I saw his reasoning for his father to be there to be immature and stupid. At that point, I just didn’t care, and I had his father be uninvited altogether. My father-in-law was offended, and I just gave 0 f*cks. I wasn’t going to compromise for him anymore when it came to my son. I didn’t care of my father-in-law, nor what he thought of me. He treated me the same as someone would treat a disabled person in the 70’s, and that’s not anything my son needs to see, especially someone who’s supposed to be a close family member.
In the end, my husband decided to cut off all contact with my father-in-law completely. It wasn’t because of me, and he won’t tell me what led him to that decision anyways. Personally, I don’t care why. I’m just glad he’s out of our life for good. My father-in-law was a big factor in my postpartum anxiety and depression symptoms, as well as the demise of my marriage. No matter how many times I tried to explain it to my husband, it just didn’t click through his head. I wanted to be seen by him so badly. I wanted to be heard by him so badly. I wanted to feel like I was important to him. We were drifting apart, and our son sure felt the negative energy that was in our home. We were already talking about the D word – divorce. I was hurting inside. I felt stuck and conflicted. I almost felt I regretted getting married and starting a family. I looked at my son, and I couldn’t believe I signed for that life.
Something as definitely wrong with me. I recognized that something was definitely wrong with me. I decided that it was time for me to get professional help before things worsened. I told my husband this, to which he responded, ‘What for? You signed up for this.’ I felt absolutely defeated. I was finally on the mend with myself, and my husband, the person who’s supposed to be the closest person in the world to me, didn’t see any of it. Things between us were only getting worse. We were fighting practically everyday, and it was the same exact fight everyday. I was telling my husband I was having a hard time, that I felt like I was a bad mother as I couldn’t do anything right, and he was saying he didn’t know what I was talking about. It wasn’t until we got external help that he finally understood where I was coming from. That’s not to say I was 100% right, of course.
What seemed like the beginning of the end turned into a completely new chapter. We were starting anew. We were actually enjoying our relationship and being parents to our son. We now make sure we don’t forget about ourselves while in the midst of parenting. Our son is the most important thing in the world to both us. But we can’t forget about our own selves in the process, nor about us as a couple. Hence, we now make sure we talk through our issues or frustrations instead of bickering about them. To do so, we leave our kid with my parents on a weekly basis to go on date nights, even if it’s just for a coffee date. For the first time in a long time, I feel like I have my husband back. The best part of it all is that the coach I stumbled upon on Instagram was absolutely right – my postpartum depression and anxiety symptoms DID, in fact, decrease. I feel refreshed. I feel like I could do anything I put my mind to. The work isn’t done, though. It’ll never be done. It’s all a work in progress.
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Thank you for sharing that with us. It is so important to raise awareness about disability and life after giving birth.