Ellie Nash: The Complexity Of Her Life With Her Alcoholic Mother That Caused Her To Self-Harm As Seen On ‘Degrassi: The Next Generation’ – And Everything That Her Love Life Had To Do With It

This week was a very hard one for me. Don’t get me wrong, there’s been a lot of positives lately in my life, and I couldn’t be more grateful for it. Even the hardships I’ve faced this past week had positive attributes to them. I wouldn’t even call them hardship, per se, but rather revelations. Those revelations involved my health and everything I’d been through since I was diagnosed with epilepsy all those years ago. After deciding to go off my anti-seizure medications two years ago, as well not seeing any medical professionals regarding my epilepsy, I’ve been heavily relying on natural ways of treating my chronic disease. I started eating healthier, I stopped drinking completely, I now go to bed before 12 AM, I work out every single day, and I make sure I get enough sunshine. I’ve also heavily relied on getting to know other people’s stories.

So, after sharing my own story of my epilepsy struggles in a Facebook group this past week, many, many group members who struggle with epilepsy have messaged me. And they call said the same exact thing: ‘You don’t have epilepsy.’ And with that, my mind exploded. I was blown away. I asked myself, as well as the other members of the group, ‘So what the f*ck do I have? Am I just making things up, and the seizures I’ve experienced are actually all in my head?’ Well, not exactly. What I have isn’t, in fact, epilepsy, but rather psychogenic seizure disorder. This disorder, also known as PNES, is thought to be a defense mechanism to underlying psychological distress. Some factors that may increase the risk of PNES include: 

• Trauma: A history of physical, emotional, or sexual abuse, or exposure to trauma early in life 
• Mental health conditions: Mood disorders, anxiety, post-traumatic stress disorder (PTSD), dissociative disorders, personality disorders, and psychosis 

Treating PNES involves only, and I mean only, natural remedies. It focuses on addressing the underlying psychological issues a person experiencing these types of seizures experiences, and it doesn’t involve antiseizure medications. Anti-seizure medications don’t stop the seizures. They only add to more problems. Intaking them is actually harmful and should be discontinued, unless they are needed for other conditions like epilepsy or chronic pain, which apparently, I never had to begin with. Treating PNES varies by individual, but often involves psychotherapy, specifically cognitive behavioral therapy (CBT). CBT can help patients learn about their seizures, triggers, and how to manage stress and emotions. According to The Epilepsy Foundation, the use of anti-seizure medications for PNES is not effective and can even worsen symptoms. 

And yes, the seizures one experiences due to PNES are still seizures. However, PNES isn’t related to abnormal brain activity, much like in epilepsy. PNES may have unique features like longer seizure duration, asynchronous movements, or pelvic thrusting, which can help in differentiation. Often times, PNES can be mistaken for epilepsy due to the similarity in appearance, making proper diagnosis crucial. One way to do it is by conducting a thorough psychological evaluation. In a study conducted between 2013 and 2015, it was found that there are cases of patients having both epilepsy and PNES. In the study, 262 patients were monitored, and of those, 59 (32%) were diagnosed with PNES. In this cohort, 19 patients (23% of those with PNES) were found to have both epilepsy and PNES. The prevalence rate of coexisting PNES and epilepsy was 7.3% (19 of 262).

Psychogenic non-epileptic seizures aren’t life-threatening or dangerous to the brain. While the episodes themselves can be distressing, they don’t cause brain damage or injury. While psychogenic seizures are, in fact, seizures, they look, and even feel different than epileptic seizures. An EEG (electroencephalogram) will show characteristic spikes or abnormalities in brain activity during an epileptic seizure, whereas a psychogenic non-epileptic seizure won’t. Epileptic seizures are caused by sudden, abnormal bursts of electrical activity in the brain, whereas psychogenic seizures are caused by underlying psychological factors. They are often linked to stress, trauma, or mental health conditions like anxiety, depression, or PTSD. These seizures can also be triggered by a variety of psychological stressors, including unresolved grief or chronic pain. To break it down in a more detailed form, the potential causes and risk factors to psychogenic seizures include:

Psychological Factors: 

• Trauma: A history of trauma, such as physical or sexual abuse, can increase the risk of developing PNES. 
• Mental Health Conditions: Conditions like anxiety disorders (including panic attacks), depression, dissociative disorders, mood disorders, and personality disorders can be associated with PNES. 
• Stress: Chronic or acute stress, whether related to work, family, or other life stressors, can contribute to the development of PNES. 
• Maladaptive Coping Mechanisms: Individuals who struggle to cope with stress or emotions may be more prone to developing PNES, as they may unconsciously use seizure-like episodes as a way to cope with difficult situations. 
• Learned Somatization: In some cases, individuals may learn to respond to stress or other psychological triggers with seizure-like symptoms, potentially leading to the development of PNES. 

Biological Factors: 

• History of Head Injury: A past history of traumatic brain injury can increase the risk of developing PNES. 
• Concomitant Epilepsy: Individuals with epilepsy may also experience PNES, and vice versa. 
• Other Medical Conditions: Certain medical conditions, such as migraine headaches, pain disorders, and asthma, have been linked to an increased risk of PNES. 

Social Factors: 

• Family Dysfunction: A history of family conflict or dysfunction can also contribute to the development of PNES. 
• Substance Use: Substance abuse can be a risk factor for PNES, as it can exacerbate underlying psychological distress. 

This newfound realization was absolutely mind-blowing and eye-opening. It was also devastating. It made me realize that all these years that I’ve spent struggling were a complete and utter lie. I spent so many years of my life hearing medical professionals telling me I had epilepsy strictly based on the fact that I have cerebral palsy and it was easy to make money out of me. I was prescribed medication I wasn’t supposed to intake. I had male doctors continuously tell me what I should or shouldn’t do with my own body. So many years were wasted. All this time, I needed to work on myself. I needed to work through my trauma. I needed to work on healing my wounds. And instead, my wounds were even further harmed.

I felt used and abused. Being treated for epilepsy felt exactly the same as being raped, if not worse. You see, sexual trauma isn’t just about the sex part of it all. It’s about having the sense of losing control. It’s about someone else telling you what to do with your own body. When I was raped, I didn’t even understand what had actually happened. I was in denial. I couldn’t believe that someone I thought was my friend – someone I thought I could trust wholeheartedly- could do this to me. I felt betrayed. I felt hurt. I felt neglected. I scared. I was scared of my future. I was scared of everything that was about to unfold for me in the aftermath of that fateful night.

It was on that fateful night that my innocence was taken away. My entire body was taken over. Without even realizing it, everything about me changed following that night. Everything about me got darker. Even my hair got darker. I was in a metamorphic state of mind. My innocence was taken away from me; and so was my soul. Nevertheless, I was denial. For years, I pretended it never happened, and never told a soul. I was about to tell my mom, but just as I told her that I had sex, the next thing she told me was that I was easy, and that that was the reason why the guy that deed the deed never called me thereafter. I didn’t even get the chance to tell her exactly what happened before she interrupted me. That occurrence silenced me. Her words silenced me. Her words, even though I know it wasn’t her intention, haunted me for many years to come. And so…

I just went on with my life. I blocked that night out of my memory. In the years that followed, I was unloved in two abusive relationships. One was emotionally abusive; the other was both emotionally and physically abusive. The moment the second relationship got physically abusive, I made plans to slowly and it. And in orchestrating my plan, I met my now-husband. I left my abusive boyfriend to be with him. That was the easy part, as the abuse didn’t end with the breakup. The emotional abuse continued thereafter, and it worsened in the years that followed. He made me believe he was my friend. He wanted to be as close to me as possible; as though he was stalking to keep an eye on the relationship in case my now-husband and I were to break up. He only left me alone after my husband and I got engaged.

A few years after my husband and I got married, my first boyfriend messaged me out of the blue. He wanted to reconnect; said he wanted to be friends. So he invited me and my husband to his house party, and for unknown reasons, I agreed to go. Our breakup wasn’t smooth sailing. After I broke up with him years prior, he’d continuously stalk me for months. Hed text me 100 times a day. He’d call me 50 times a day. He’d come to my house. He’d go to any party I went to; until one fine May evening, I snapped at him in front of 60 people and ordered him to get the f*ck out of my sight. He never spoke to me thereafter…until that time he invited me to his house party years later, and I stupidly agreed to go.

As soon as I got to his house, I regretted ever having anything to do with him. I started having an uneasy feeling about seeing him again. Something obviously bothered me, and I couldn’t quite grasp what it was. He was welcoming, and I’d even go as far by saying that he was kind and tentative throughout the evening. He made sure I felt at ease in his presence. That was until he sexually assaulted me by grabbing my a** when my husband wasn’t looking. I didn’t know what to do at that moment. I felt so numb. I couldn’t move a muscle. So I didn’t. I left his house, blocked him from all of my social media, as well as from my phone, and never looked back. That wasn’t even the end of it. The end of it was finding out my friends who claimed to have loved and cared for me went to his house weeks after even though they knew exactly what had happened between us; in our relationship and that night that I came to his house weeks earlier. My friends didn’t treat me right either. Not just the ones that came to my ex’s house, but the rest of them too. In hindsight, their treatment of me became comparable to that of my rapist. That fateful night that I was raped repeatedly haunted me through and through. It never left. No matter how much I begged for it to leave, it never did; and if it did leave, it would always come back uninvited. It never allowed me to heal.

With that being said, I never dealt with my trauma; not properly, anyways. I kept lying to myself and telling myself that I was completely fine. But I wasn’t, and my body kept telling me that – loud and clear. Medical professionals took the opportunity to abuse me further for financial gain. They knew I had cerebral palsy. They knew that statistically, it’s likely that people with cerebral palsy are also diagnosed with epilepsy. BOOM! They didn’t think anyone would question them, and they were right. No one ever questioned them. For years, I did everything that was expected of me – until I decided to take matters into my own hands and take full control of my own life.

And will you believe it when I tell you that PNES is tied to sexual assault trauma. Because, yes… it certainly is tied together. In fact, studies indicate that women are more likely to develop PNES, and sexual assault trauma is a significant contributing factor. In fact, one study found that sexual assault trauma accounted for 22% of the increased risk of PNES in women compared to men. It’s highly believed that sexual trauma can lead to changes in the brain structure and function that may increase vulnerability to PNES. Of course, other factors can be considered to significantly be associated with PNES, such as childhood trauma, stress, and even a stroke – just as mentioned above. I experienced childhood trauma as well. I wrote about it in my blog entry on Dove Cameron. It stemmed from my mom’s struggle with depression. But I’ve healed from it, and my mom and I are in a very good place now, so I can’t say that it had such an effect on me that it’d cause me to have seizures in my adulthood when I’d healed from it and learned to cope with it years prior.

This leads me to begin discussing what you probably came here for in the first place, and that’s Ellie Nash, a character on ‘Degrassi: The Next Generation’, played by Stacey Farber. You might also recognize her from ‘The Spencer Sisters’, ‘Virgin River’, ‘Saving Hope’, ‘Law & Order: SVU’, as well as numerous cheesy Hallmark movies. Farber starred as Ellie between 2002 and 2009. Ellie wasn’t the main character that Emma was during their respective seasons on ‘Degrassi’, just I described in my previous post with Emma as the main subject matter, and nevertheless, her role was pretty essential. She even had something in common with both Emma and Manny. Ellie dated Sean, Emma’s first love, during their off period, and she then had romantic feelings for Manny’s ex-boyfriend and father of her aborted baby, Craig, that never went away, even by the end of her time on ‘Degrassi’ when we saw her in ‘Degrassi Goes Hollywood’ movie. They never actually dated, though. She was infatuated with him. He knew it, and stringed her along because he could and she allowed it all to unfold.

It wasn’t like she wanted it to happen this way. All she wanted in her life was to be loved and to feel chosen. It had a lot, if not everything, to do with what her life looked like at home. We witnessed Ellie experience a challenging home life due to her father’s absence while he served his country, her mother’s alcoholism, as well as her own struggles with depression and self-harm. She lived in a downtown Toronto basement with her boyfriend-turned-best-friend, Marco Del Rossi, and later with Sean, but her mother’s issues and her own mental health challenges continued to impact her. 

To cope with her home life with her mom, Ellie turned to cutting. She could turn everything and anything she had into a weapon. She could even turn a pencil into a weapon. She didn’t want to die. She wanted to release any emotional pain that she felt at the hands of her mother. Cutting was her answer. There’s an entire psychology behind cutting and self harm. Emotional self-harm ranges from telling our own selves that we’re not good enough and becoming our own worst enemy to engaging in a pattern of destructive friendships and relationships. It’s tied to past events that occurred in childhood or adolescence. I myself turned to self-harm, and not just cutting. Self-harm can present in other ways as well. Cutting, in particular, is part of a vicious cycle that’s associated with the feeling of anger, sadness, and neglect followed by a quick mental relief from the act itself. Once the act of cutting is completed and the feelings of mental relief dissipate, the individual if often overtaken by feelings of guilt and shame, which then turn to anger and neglect until the cycle continues again. For me, it was a release from the emotional pain I was feeling. I’m not going to sugarcoat this by any means whatsoever. I turned to self-harm at different stages of life; for different reasons. The feeling of shame and anger and distress over my raped and its aftermath included. I didn’t want to feel anything anymore. I just wanted all the pain to go away; and that was the way. Other reasons per an individual might also include:

• To feel a sense of control
• Express pain
• As a distraction
• As punishment
• To feel pleasure
• To feel anything at all

As I mentioned earlier in this very blog entry, I felt completely out of control; both following my rape and in my years of being told I had epilepsy. I also felt that in my childhood; both due to the physical hardships I faced due to cerebral palsy, as well as the emotional distress it caused me, bullying, my relationship with my mom due to her mental health struggles, and the toxic relationship I had with my paternal grandmother. I was desperate to be in control over the situations I was put under. And so was Emma. We discussed Emma’s journey with her struggle with anorexia. She began having a difficult relationship with food as she witnessed her parents’ separation. She couldn’t fathom losing control of the situation, so she took matters to her own hands, and then she brought Manny along for the ride with her.

The exact same could be said about Ellie. She yearned to feel like she was in control of the situation she was put under at the hands of her mother. She felt neglected by her father as he left to serve in Afghanistan with the Canadian Army, leaving her alone to take care of her mother. She did everything her mother asked her to do and more. And yet, nothing she ever did was ever good enough for the woman that was supposed to take care of her teenage daughter. Ellie constantly felt she needed to be careful around her because if she wasn’t, she’d be consistently be punished for trying to do the right thing. But perhaps the most devastating scene was when Paige found Ellie in the bathroom and saw droplets of her blood in the sink and confronted her, insisting that she visit the school counselor. At that point, Paige and Ellie weren’t friends. They were actually competing against one another for the same co-op. But Page, as soon as she saw the drops of blood, put her personal feelings for Ellie aside in an attempt to help her. By that point, Paige went through her own turmoil, as she was raped the year prior. As soon as she saw Ellie’s blood, she felt she had a responsibility to help her. Paige screaming ‘Show me your arm!’ In despair was powerful. It was a painful attribution to the empathy she felt towards her. Ellie, in turn, tried to downplay what Paige saw and gave her lame excuses, like that she hit her arm, for the blood stains in the sink. Paige wouldn’t budge. She knew something was wrong.

And some was, in fact, wrong. Ellie was on the verge of losing her co-op placement because she was busy at home taking care of her mother. She couldn’t handle the pressure that came upon her, and she felt that cutting was only release. Because Ellie wouldn’t tell her the truth, Paige felt like she had no choice but to go to the school counsellor herself. Ellie found out about this and confronts Paige, accusing her of only claiming to want to help her so that she could steal her co-op placement. But that wasn’t why she was helping Ellie. She didn’t care about the co-op placement; not anymore. She genuinely wanted to help her. Eventually, while on the verge of tears, showed Paige her arms filled with cut. Paige, in shock, softly touched her arm and endured her that everything would be okay. To stop herself from doing more harm, Ellie starts wearing elastic bands as a therapy technique.

It was during this time that Ellie became close with Sean. He saw right through her struggles, as he was troubled himself. He had a drinking problem and did some not so good things, such as steal Emma’s stepfather’s laptop. He realized his wrongdoings and tried to make up for them. Nevertheless, Emma broke up with him as he made her feel guilty for choosing to care for her stepfather, who was ill with cancer, over spending time with him. Many fans say that Ellie’s relationship with Sean was the healthiest one of the entire show, but I truly beg to differ. Their relationship was solely based on trauma bonding. She liked him because she felt that he understood her, and vice versa.

Ellie’s mother’s drinking had gotten significantly worse—on one such occasion, she passed out, and her negligence resulted in a house fire. Sean sensed Ellie might be cutting again, so he asked her to move in with him as a solution. She hesitatingly, but also happily, agreed. Her mother found out about this and blamed Sean for her and her daughter’s rocky relationship. Enraged that she was lied to, Ellie’s mother showed up at Sean’s apartment and slapped him. She grabbed Ellie to take her home, and it was then that Ellie admitted to her self-harm, and told her that it was her drinking that caused it. She showed her mother her arm, and softly said, ‘This is what it cost! Your drinking made me cut myself!’

Her mother couldn’t bear with mere thought of what her drinking did to her daughter. She broke down in tears as she saw Ellie’s arm. She was devastated, and as much as it hurt her, she agreed to have Ellie live with Sean. While away, she sent Ellie monthly rent payments, and in exchange, she had Ellie meet her for lunch. Ellie didn’t want to have anything to do with her mother, but she was in a desperate need for money after Sean left town to live in with his parents following the school shooting. But even if he didn’t leave following the school shooting to deal with his demons, they would’ve broken up anyways. It was evident that he was still very much in love with Emma, and two years later, when he came to Toronto, he admitted that he only came back for Emma, and he and Ellie never interacted thereafter.

Following her breakup with Sean, Ellie became infatuated with Craig, her best friend’s ex-boyfriend. He, however, never showed interest in her. She changed everything about her, including her appearance, to get him to notice her, but he, instead got back together with Manny after two years of being apart following Manny’s decision to abort their baby. He knew she liked him. He knew she even loved him. And he used it when it benefited him. He sabotaged her. He sabotaged her life. He sabotaged her mental health. He sabotaged her new relationship with her new boyfriend. He was just… how can I put it lightly… a pice of sh*t. Ellis was just too blind to see it. And speaking of her new relationship…

Ellie always had a strong passion for journalism, and even became the school newspaper editor and later pursuing it at the university level. While in university working at the newspaper, Ellie met Jesse – her boss. The chemistry was undeniable between them, and everyone around them could see it. There was definitely an abuse of power in their dynamic – both professionally and personally. Jesse was obviously older and much more experienced. Nevertheless, the two started dating. They dated for a year, on and off. Their relationship was filled with turmoil; filled with mixed emotions that involved fear, sadness and anger. Craig was only the beginning of their troubles. Jesse was a serial cheater. Even though he was charming and claimed to have loved Ellie, and maybe even meant it, he couldn’t stay faithful to her. The last straw for Ellie was when Jesse cheated on her with her former boss and mentor, Caitlin Ryan. Jesse manipulated Ellie into making things work between them, and even had her choose their relationship over her career as a journalist. Luckily, Caitlin, as well as Paige, who was her best friend AND roommate by that point in time, was there to remind her that no man was over worth the sacrifice. She didn’t in her previous relationship with Joey, who happens to be Craig’s stepfather and the closest thing he had as a father. It was then that Ellie finally stood her ground with Jesse and didn’t allow him to walk all over her. Despite this, when he left the newspaper, he still promoted her to become editor.

That should’ve been the end of Ellie’s story; at least when it came to her romantic relationships. But it wasn’t. We saw her once more when she appeared in ‘Degrassi Goes Hollywood’. She and Marco travelled to Los Angeles to support Paige in her new movie role. Another person who also happened to be there was…Craig. And the cycle was in full swing once again. Ellie’s feelings for Craig began rushing in again, and he wasn’t shy in giving her the wrong signals. After spending the day exploring Los Angeles together, Craig invited her to his place, and there, much to Ellie’s surprise and dismay, she came to find Craig’s girlfriend. Despite this, Craig still kissed her and confessed his love for her, as did she. And that was how she came back to being the ‘pick me’ girl that she was trying so hard not to be. BUT…. And there’s a big BUT here, and it’s that there was closure to her family turmoil.

Since Ellie’s high school days, her mother hadn’t been seen or heard of. Marco got a sudden call from Ellie’s mother as she desperately tried to reach her, and she, in turn, did all she could to avoid that call. That was until she really had no choice in the matter and was practically put on the spot and forced to talk to her mom at a public place and in a drunken state herself. Her mother was furious with Ellie, accusing her of not caring for her family. Her father came back from his deployment in the Canadian army. He wanted to see her, but she didn’t want to see him. That was why she avoided talking to her mother. Luckily, she had a good friend in Marco who encouraged her to forget about Craig, and go see her father instead. She finally got to her senses and went to see him, with Marco by her side. She was scared, but she knew it was more important than any guy, especially Craig. As soon as she saw her father, Ellie broke down saying ‘Hi Daddy’, and they embraced in a hug. It was then she realized that the only man she needed was her daddy. But with that said, after getting to know the science behind psychogenic seizures I’m actually so surprised that Ellie didn’t suffer from PNES through her struggles with depression, anxiety and self harm. Believe it or not, the two are very much intertwined. But I already mentioned it above. I just wish that this would’ve been explored in Ellie further.