Kelsey Parker: A Deep Exploration Of What Women Go Through In The Aftermath Of Widowhood – And Why Women Get Judged More Than Men Do When They Move On With Their Lives

My previous post heavily discussed Carrie Bradshaw’s life as a widow as we saw on And Just Like That, the revival series to Sex And The City. I heavily judged her in my previous post. The preview is even there for you in the title alone. And no, I didn’t judge her for finding happiness again. I wasn’t even judging her for finding happiness again with Aidan, who was her second big love behind Mr. Big. I was judging her for the way she behaved and treated Big in his death once she found that happiness again. Particularly, when she questioned her choice of being with Big altogether and called that choice a mistake on multiple occasions. Generally speaking, a new partner after widowhood requires patience, a willingness to be open to new experiences, and a focus on building a fulfilling life. There’s no set timeline for finding love after loss, and it’s important to prioritize your own well-being and healing. 

Strategies For Finding Someone New

• Focus on Self-Care: Prioritize your physical and emotional health, and engage in activities that bring you joy. 
• Join Interest Groups: Explore hobbies, clubs, or organizations that align with your passions. 
• Make Friends: Building a strong social network can provide support and opportunities to meet new people. 
• Embrace Online Dating: Consider using online dating platforms or dating apps designed for mature individuals. 
• Support Groups: Connect with other widowed individuals for shared experiences and support. 
• Be Patient and Open: Don’t rush into a relationship, and be open to the possibility of finding love when the time is right. 

Important Considerations: 

• Respect the Past: Allow yourself to grieve and remember your late spouse, while also acknowledging the possibility of a new beginning. 
• Communicate Openly: Be honest and transparent with potential partners about your experience with widowhood. 
• Set Boundaries: Protect your emotional well-being and set boundaries in new relationships. 
• Don’t Compare: Avoid comparing your new partner to your late spouse. 
• Trust Your Intuition: Listen to your gut feeling and make choices that align with your needs and desires. 

These considerations weren’t taken seriously by Carrie when she moved on with her life with Aidan, and Aidan didn’t seem to respect Carrie’s life as a widow. He simply wanted to erase the fact that Big was ever in Carrie’s life to begin with. That’s just not something a new partner of a grieving widow should be proud of. As a partner of a grieving widow, one has to respect the fact that their partner will love two people at the same time. It might not be easy to have to deal with, but one has to accept this as a fact if they want to continue a healthy relationship. But this is reel life that we’re heavily discussing. Now I want to make the shift and talk about REAL life, real people, and real events. As of late, we see more and more widowed celebrities finding their happy again; particularly female celebrities. These include Amanda Kloots, Michelle Williams, and Kelsey Hardwick. Kloots was married to Nick Cordero, a Broadway star, between 2017 and 2020. They have a son, Elvis, who was born 9 months before Cordero fell ill and eventually passed away due to Covid-related complications. Just this past April, she made her red carpet debut with retired tennis player Justin Gimelstob. Of how the relationship came to be, Kloots told People magazine, ‘It kind of happened very naturally, which is great. He’s a wonderful man, wonderful father, and I love how he takes care of me. Timing is everything. He met Elvis as just friends. It was actually really natural. And I met his son. It’s been absolutely lovely.’ Previously, she opened up that her husband had given her permission to move forward with her life. She said, ‘And he always says it’s coming. That’s one of the running themes from readings that I’ve had, that it’s coming. I know you’re lonely. It’s coming.’ I don’t know. We’ll see. I’m still looking for the one, and I really do have faith that I’ll find it. I really believe in love and I believe that it’s still out there for me.

While Michelle Williams isn’t TECHNICALLY a widow, she did lose the person she initially thought she’d spend the rest of her life with. It was when Health Ledger passed away in 2008 of an accidental drug overdose. Together they had a daughter, Matilda, born in 2005. They were engaged to be married, but broke the engagement of just a few short months before his passing. In her 2018 memoir, This Will Only Hurt a Little, who is Williams’ best friend and former Dawson’s Creek co-star, wrote that she always felt that the two would eventually find their way back to one another. She wrote, ‘He and Michelle were in the process of separating at that point, and I felt sad for both of them but weirdly like something would be figured out and it wasn’t the end of the story for them. They were so young and that baby was the light of both of their lives. They were just working all the time and it was complicated. Sh*t is always complicated. Especially when you’re twenty-eight. And movies stars. With a baby.’

Williams herself has rarely ever spoken of her loss. In 2018, she told Vanity Fair how she kept Ledger’s memory alive for their daughter. She said, ‘I always say to Matilda, ‘Your dad loved me before anybody thought I was talented, or pretty, or had nice clothes. In the same interview Williams also revealed that she’d gotten married to musician Phil Elvrum, who was also a widow when his first wife, Geneviève Elverum, also a musician, passed away in 2016 of cancer. Williams has since divorced from Elvrum and married Thomas Kail in 2020. With him, she had 3 more children. According to what’s known publicly, she also previously dated director Spike Jonze, as well as actor and writer Jason Segel. Of her relationship with Jonze, Williams told Vanity Fair following their split, ‘The timing was impossible. I thought falling in love again was the only thing that was going to save me from the pain. This erroneous idea: It just makes things more complicated.  was holding it together by a string and a paper clip in the fall and winter. I didn’t know if I could keep it all together … You console yourself by saying it’s all a deepening process. But it’s weird. After the first year, the pain is less intense — it’s less immediate. But the magical thinking goes away too. And that’s a whole new reckoning.’

Ledger passed away in January 2008. Merely 6 months later, rumours began to swirl that she’d moved on romantically with Jonze. She’d faced much scrutiny from the public for her moving on from Ledger so quickly. Paparazzi followed her and her daughter everywhere they went; not because they were interested in her for her work, but for her association with Ledger. I personally don’t even think they wanted photos of her, but rather of her daughter, who was only 2 years old when her father passed away. There are even photos out there of Matilda on the day that her father was found dead in his home. She was in her mother’s arms; smiling from ear to ear. This was a time period where there was no TikTok or Instagram, and social media wasn’t as big of a deal as it now is. That said, I can’t imagine just how much worse it would’ve been had it happened at a time where social media was as a global phenomenon as it is today.

Even though she’s an actress in her own right, having started her career at 12 and gone through emancipation from her parents so that she could choose her roles, Williams will always be known as Heath Ledger’s widow. Before her relationship with Ledger became public knowledge, she was known for her breakout role as Jen Lindley on all 6 seasons of Dawson’s Creek. While in a relationship with Ledger, the shift became that she was known as just that – Heath Ledger’s girlfriend. And after his death, even to this day, so many years later, as his widow. In the 17 years since his death, she starred in amazing such as Shutter Island, Blue Valentine, My Week With Marilyn, Take This Waltz, Oz, The Great And Powerful, The Greatest Showman, Venom, and more. She won endless amount of awards as a recognition for her hard work. She was nominated for an Oscar 3 times. And nevertheless, she’s still known as Heath Ledger’s widow more than anything else by the people who watch her movies. And may I add, in 2017, she was paid $1,000 for her work on a movie, All the Money in the World, while her co-star, Mark Whalberg, was paid $1.5 million for the same work when they did re-shoots. Whalberg gave a portion of his salary to Williams so that they’d get the same amount of money.

In 2009, Williams told the Guardian of how she chose her work, ‘I don’t want any more paparazzi outside my door. I want it to get better as my daughter grows up, not worse. If it makes a difference, if doing smaller movies means less of that stuff, then I’ll adjust my life so that we can still have a life in the city and not totally disappear.’ So it’s evident that she took motherhood as her #1 priority over her work, and she had her career as an actress work around her daughter’s needs. Her daughter is now 19 years old. She has a whole new family of her own. And yet, whenever she’s the topic of discussion media outlets, the fact that she was Heath Ledger’s partner just can’t escape her. She’d done great work for herself, both before she ever met Ledger and following his death. Some of her greatest work are the small-budget films that she’d done. They’re some of my favourite films; they were done with great care and love for the art. And yet, despite her great talent, effort, and so many years of experience, media’s persistent focus on her relationship with Ledger, particularly after his death, has created a narrative of sadness and melancholy that has overshadowed her other professional endeavors. This has led to a more limited focus on her work and a tendency for the media to frame her actions through the lens of her personal life, which she may not have been comfortable with. The media’s framing of her career and personal life in the context of Ledger’s death has created a narrative of sadness and melancholy. This has led to a more limited focus on her work and a tendency for the media to frame her actions through the lens of her personal life. 

That being said, Williams is now rarely in the press. She’d expressed a preference for privacy, often stating that she doesn’t enjoy public scrutiny or having her personal life in the media. She was also advised by a publicist that there wasn’t a direct correlation between public appearances and financial success, potentially leading her to prioritize other aspects of her career. The fact that she doesn’t have any social media presence further limits public access to her thoughts and opinions. She’s rarely accessible to the public and her fans. Whenever we do see her do press, like the one she’s done for her latest show, Dying For Sex, it’s always considered to be a gift to us all. Just recently, she appeared on the Armchair Expert with Dax Shepard podcast, where she mentioned Heath Ledger. It was when Shepard told the actress, ‘I feel obligated to say that I knew him a little bit when he was getting sober, and I don’t know that I’ve ever fallen in love with somebody so quickly. This is one of the most special boys I’ve ever met, and I can feel the weight of the world on him in a very special way that kind of broke my heart. I was very, very sad, and I thought he was just so special.’ To which Williams replied, ‘So special, so special, thank god there’s Matilda.’

Somehow, it doesn’t seem like much of a surprise that Williams, though an actress in her own right, is still known as Heath Ledger’s widow and is still asked about him when she does do interviews. At the time of his death, he starred as The Joker on The Dark Knight. It was a role of a lifetime for him; one that won him a posthumous Academy Award for Best Supporting Actor in 2009, a testament to the impact and quality of his work. His performance was so impactful that it remains a benchmark for all future Joker portrayals. Even the legendary Jack Nicholson couldn’t beat this. Ledger’s own portrayal of the Joker was not a cartoon villain; he was a real, terrifying threat with a chilling unpredictability and a disturbing sense of humor. He demonstrated a level of darkness and malice that had not been seen before in the character. He took the time to delve into the Joker’s psyche, creating a complex and layered character. He developed a distinct voice, posture, and psychology, making the Joker feel like a real person with a dark side. The preparation for the role was extensive. This included living alone in a hotel room for a month to fully embody the Joker’s character. This commitment to method acting resulted in a performance that felt incredibly real and authentic. Ledger’s Joker broke away from the traditional portrayal of the character as a simple clown. He brought a new level of violence and psychological terror to the role, making him a genuinely frightening and memorable villain. It’s also notable to put on emphasis on the fact that Ledger was only 28 years old at the time of his death, which made him the youngest actor to portray such a powerful figure.

And Ledger isn’t the only celebrity figure who not only left behind a massive legacy in his art, but a grieving family as well; a wife who also made a name for herself in her own right, but is still mostly known for her association with the deceased. I’m talking about Kurt Cobain. He was the frontman of what’s now considered to be the legendary rock band, Nirvana. When he died by suicide in April 22, he left behind a legacy. But he also left behind a family; his wife Courtney Love and their daughter, Frances Bean Cobain. Tori Amos’ song, Professional Widow, has long been rumoured to be about Love, but Amos insisted on an interview that they’d never even met. Nevertheless, the song somehow makes a lot of sense. Though an artist in her own right, having gained recognition as a lead vocalist and rhythm guitarist in the alternative rock band Hole, she’s still, years later, mostly known as Kurt Cobain’s widow. Even now, more than 30 years after Cobain’s death, the media is mostly interested in Love’s life as a widow, a mother, and the role she might’ve played in Cobain’s death. Theories have circulated that Love might’ve killed Cobain. There were even several books written and films made, like Who Killed Kurt Cobain? and Kurt & Courtney, where this theory was explored, but without conclusive evidence, the suicide remains the accepted cause of death. Cobain shot himself in the head.

In an interview with Evening Standard, conducted in 2024, Love opened up about the hate she received following her husband’s demise. She said, ‘People used to say that I was so difficult. They said I was disagreeable. Yes, I am completely disagreeable and I’m never going to apologise for that. I always wanted to be known as a bitch. Being liked was never my thing. Kurt wanted to be liked but not me. He was able to hide behind me, but then I got hated. Then Kurt died, and the hatred towards me reached a completely new level. I did not plan for that.’ To say that Love’s life with Cobain, as well as her life after was easy would be a serious mistake. Her life was filled with turmoil and grief; and a drug addiction. At one point, she lost custody of Frances Bean to Cobain’s parents due to her drug addiction, and the mother daughter duo were estranged for a period of time. And speaking of Frances Bean, the notoriously private young woman, who is now married and has a child of her own with Riley Hawk, son of Tony Hawk, posted a loving tribute to her father on the 30th anniversary of his passing last year. In part, it read, ‘In the last 30 years my ideas around loss have been in a continuous state of metamorphosing. The biggest lesson learned through grieving for almost as long as I’ve been conscious, is that it serves a purpose. The duality of life & death, pain & joy, yin & yang, need to exist along side each other or none of this would have any meaning. It is the impermanent nature of human existence which throws us into the depths of our most authentic lives. As It turns out, there is no greater motivation for leaning into loving awareness than knowing everything ends. I wish I could’ve known my Dad. I wish I knew the cadence of his voice, how he liked his coffee or the way it felt to be tucked in after a bedtime story. I always wondered if he would’ve caught tadpoles with me during the muggy Washington summers, or if he smelled of Camel Lights & strawberry nesquik (his favorites, I’ve been told). But there is also deep wisdom being on an expedited path to understanding how precious life is. He gifted me a lesson in death that can only come through the LIVED experience of losing someone. It’s the gift of knowing for certain, when we love ourselves & those around us with compassion, with openness, with grace, the more meaningful our time here inherently becomes. Kurt wrote me a letter before I was born. The last line of it reads, “wherever you go or wherever I go, I will always be with you.” He kept this promise because he is present in so many ways. Whether it’s by hearing a song or through the hands we share, in those moments I get to spend a little time with my dad & he feels transcendent. To anyone who has wondered what it would’ve looked like to live along side the people they have lost, I’m holding you in my thoughts today. The meaning of our grief is the same.’

This leads me to finally shifting the conversation to Kelsey Hardwick. She was married to the late Tom Parker until his untimely death of cancer in March 2022. Hardwick is British actress and philanthropist, and she’s gained popularity in her marriage to Parker who was 1/5 of The Wanted, a very popular British boy band in the 2000’s and 2010’s. They reunited to perform just before Parker’s passing, which was something that was made possible by Parker’s own persistence, and they are still active today. Hardwick, on her end, in the years since, has been an activist for cancer research and widowhood. Following Parker’s demise, Parker moved on romantically with Will Lindsay after splitting from electrician Sean Boggan in 2023, whom she began dating in November 2022. She’s now expecting her third child; her first with Lindsay.

The happy news, however, came with much scrutiny and backlash from the general public, particularly from online haters. Hardwick even went as far as saying that she’d been the subject to abuse online by people who think she is not grieving in the “right way”. Comments she’d received online include, ‘Tom hasn’t even been gone three years and yet she’s already got a new partner and is now pregnant?’ Of the hate that she’d received, Hardwick said, ‘It’s crazy. I knew I would be judged. But people who haven’t lost their partner, I don’t know how you can pass comment on me? I have been in such a dark place from losing Tom. I was so lonely and so unhappy. I feel like there are people who want me to always feel like that. I feel like I do deserve to try and find a bit of happiness. I think people think I should be sitting at home and dressed in black all day. I have two children (and another one on the way) that I have to get out of bed for. People are shocked I go to Tesco but I need to feed my kids. My life changed the moment Tom was diagnosed. But I have the power and strength to keep going. But I’m judged for that. It’s almost frowned upon that I’m trying to look on the brighter side of life. But would it be better to be in a dark place or if I was getting drunk or doing drugs or whatever? Either way I can not win. I also vowed til death us do part. He has died. It sounds harsh but I’ve got to accept no matter how much I wish it was different, he’s not coming back. If I could bring him back and spend the rest of my life with him and have my two kids and have more kids with him, I would. He was my life, my partner and my soulmate but that’s not happened for me.’

In another interview, Hardwick put an emphasis on how women widows get judged a lot more than male ones. Generally speaking, women get judged much more than men in dating and in other fields of their life choices. Take Taylor Swift as an example. During her early years in the entertainment industry, as any other 20-something year old young person would, she’d dated around. It just so happened that she did so in the public eye. Everyone in the world followed her personal life; more so than her work as a talented songwriter and artist. She’s dated Joe Jonas, Harry Styles, Jake Gyllenhaal, Calvin Harris, Tom Hiddleston, etc. The world had opinions on every move Swift made publicly. Even the fact that she was in a domesticated 6 year relationship with actor Joe Alwyn didn’t help. Following their split in 2023, the world shamed her yet again when she moved on from Alwyn fairly quickly and broke things off with him a few short weeks later. Swift, who usually stays mum on the matter, had something to say about it. In liner notes for her 1989 (Taylor’s Version) album, she addressed the critics who scrutinized her dating life. She wrote, ‘The voices that had begun to shame me in new ways for dating like a normal young woman? I wanted to silence them. You see — in the years preceding this, I had become the target of slut shaming — the intensity and relentlessness of which would be criticized and called out if it happened today. The jokes about my amount of boyfriends. The trivialization of my songwriting as if it were a predatory act of a boy crazy psychopath. The media co-signing of this narrative. I had to make it stop because it was starting to really hurt.’

But here, in particular, we’re talking about widowhood and the different aspects of widowhood, including dating after the loss. Moreover, we’re talking about women widows and the challenges they may face over what male widows may face in these circumstances. Mind you, this isn’t a competition, but rather a conversation. While both men and women experience challenges in dating and widowhood, research suggests that women may face unique difficulties, particularly in widowhood. Women are more likely to become widows and may experience greater financial hardship after the loss of a spouse. In dating, both widows and widowers can face unique challenges related to their past relationships and the lingering emotions associated with the loss of a spouse. To look at this more closely:

Widowhood: 

• Economic Disadvantage: Women are more likely to experience a significant reduction in income and wealth after becoming widowed. 
• Social Isolation: Widowhood can lead to social isolation, especially for women, who may have fewer social connections compared to men. 
• Mental Health: While both men and women can experience mental health challenges after widowhood, women may be more susceptible to somatic symptoms like sleep disturbances. 
• Longer Grieving Periods: Some research suggests that men may be more likely to remarry sooner after widowhood, while women may take longer to adjust to their new status and may face greater social pressures. 
• Dating After Loss: Dating as a widow or widower can be complex, with potential dates navigating the challenges of a past relationship and the emotions associated with loss. 

Dating Challenges: 

• Overcoming Grief: Widows and widowers may need to navigate the complexities of grief, which can impact their ability to form new relationships. 
• Explaining the Loss: Potential dates may need to be informed about the widow’s or widower’s past relationship and the circumstances surrounding the loss of their spouse. 
• Balancing New Relationships with the Past: Maintaining the memory of a deceased spouse while forming new relationships can be a challenge for both widows and widowers. 
• Social Pressure: Widows and widowers may face social pressure to remarry quickly or to stay single for a long period. 
• Navigating Online Dating: Online dating platforms can be challenging for widows and widowers, who may face stereotypes or misunderstanding

Hardwick is the perfect example of how women are judged more than men do when it comes to dating after loss. Ever since Parker’s death, she’s had to defend her life choices time and time again. It’s like she’s not even allowed to find happiness as HER life is still moving forward. And yet, when male celebrities move on quickly after loss, the public celebrates them and roots for them. Examples include The Devil Wears Prada star, Stanley Tucci, who remarried within two years after his first wife, Kathryn Spath-Tucci, and stand up comedian Patton Oswalt, who remarried within a year following his first wife’s, Michelle McNamara death. Men tend to remarry or enter new relationships more quickly after being widowed than women, a trend observed in various studies. For instance, one study found that 61% of men and 19% of women were either remarried or in a new relationship within 25 months of their spouse’s death. This can be attributed to factors like men having fewer existing social support networks, potentially relying more on their wives for emotional support. There several factors to consider:

• Psychological Well-being: Studies show that remarriage or new relationships can be associated with greater psychological well-being and life satisfaction among widowed individuals. 
• Gender Differences: Men are statistically more likely to remarry or enter new relationships sooner than women after losing a spouse. 
• Social Support: Men may rely more heavily on their wives for social and emotional support, leading to a greater need for new relationships after their loss. 
• Individual Variation: It’s important to remember that grief is a personal experience, and the timing of moving on can vary greatly among individuals. 

No matter what, I think it’s important to remember that there’s never a right or wrong way to grieve and move forward in life. There’s only the right way for a person on an individual basis, and it’s important support, champion, and cheer for the person no matter what. I myself know a friend of a friend who’s a woman widow. Her husband passed away of cancer a year after they got married. He actually was diagnosed with cancer when they started dating. When he beat the disease, he proposed to her, but the cancer came back and had spread soon after they married. We all thought he’d beat it again just like last time, but to no avail. To our dismay and sadness, he passed away. But no one was more devastated and in despair than his family and his wife. Nevertheless, she started dating again soon after. Did it make her a bad person? No. Did it mean that she forgot all about her deceased husband that she loved very much? No. It meant that she was continuing to live her life even though his ended. In the years since, I lost touch with her, but I know that she’s engaged now, and I couldn’t be happier for.

No matter the case, the best we can do is root for other’s happiness. If we, as people only keep doing what’s expected of us by society’s standards, we’ll never actually be content with ourselves. We don’t live for others. We live for ourselves and our own happiness. When we have children, we live for our children and their happiness. When they see their parents happy, they’re happy. That in itself, I think, is what Kelsey Hardwick has tried so hard to do since the death of her husband – be happy and do what makes her happy; for herself and her children. That in itself is so remarkable. It’s the best, healthiest way to be.