Chappell Roan: Why Motherhood IS Actually Hell – And Why The Decision To A Live Child-Free Life Should Be Normalized

I have to admit: motherhood is f*cking hard. Before I had a baby and saw my friends have them, I thought the first year of motherhood would be easy; that it was only about changing a baby’s diapers, feeding them, and changing them while they spent most of their days sleeping. Boy was I wrong about…quite literally, ALL of it. Yes, the first year, especially the first few months, of motherhood mostly entails changing the baby’s diapers, changing them after they poop, and feeding them. But there’s so much more to it. There’s the hormonal imbalance a mother (who birthed the baby) goes through. There’s the sleepless nights. There’s the getting used that there’s a whole new person in the house that’s not just you and your partner. There’s the not getting to spend as much, or any, time alone with your partner. For me, as a physically disabled mother, there was also learning to change the baby’s diapers, change his clothing, feed him, and hold him in ways that would make it easier FOR ME. It’s no joke when they say the first year of motherhood is the hardest. It’s brutal. It’s HELL.

Back in March, Chappell Roan, who rose to fame last year and is performing in front of thousands of people and winning awards like the Grammys, appeared on Alex Cooper’s Call Her Daddy podcast. During the interview, Roan spoke of the drastic difference between her life at home and the lives her friends lead in Missouri, where she’s from, to her life now. She then spoke of her friends who are parents, with some having kids as old as 5. For context, she’s now 27 years old. Cooper asked if she was still close to her friends, and Roan said, ‘Yeah, I am. They’re really awesome — we have such different lives… A lot of them are married with children, and they have their own houses, and to me… Like, I don’t know when that’s going to happen for me. I don’t know when that’s realistic, if ever.’ Cooper’s follow-up question was, ‘Do you want that?’, to which Roan said, ‘All of my friends who have kids are in hell. I actually don’t know anyone who’s happy and has children at this age… I have, like, a 1-year-old, 3-year-old, 4 and under, 5 and under… I’ve literally not met anyone who’s happy, anyone who has light in their eyes, who has slept.’

The comment didn’t sit well with mothers around the world. While the interview went on for another hour, many were hung up on that particular comment. One TikTok user ranted, ‘I am butt-hurt and offended at Chappell Roan’s comment about she has never met a mother who is happy in her age group because I’m in her age group, and I am a mother, and I am so happy. It’s all a bit of a sting, I’m not gonna lie, and lowkey, it’s misogynistic as well. It really devalues the role of motherhood.’ Another user echoed, ‘That clip actually makes me emotional to listen to it is so frustrating. So, hi, if you’ve never seen one, here she is: A young mom of three children that didn’t get any sleep last night that’s happy, life in her eyes, and joy in her heart.’ Other TikTokers started a trend sharing highlight reels of wholesome time with their children while sarcastically referring to it as “hell.”

There were, in contrast, users who defended Roan for her comments. A popular comment read, ‘the ones who got triggered are the ones pretending they’re happy.’ Another user asked, ‘if it doesn’t apply to these moms then why are they getting so upset, getting on here and trying to ‘prove’ how happy they are.’ And another user commented, ‘she isn’t talking about YOUR experience though? if it doesn’t apply to you then cool!’ And another mom wrote, ‘Ok. Happy mom here. Nothing she said bothers me. It doesn’t apply to me. And she’s allowed to have an opinion. I don’t understand the rage.’ And yet another user commented on X, previously known as Twitter, wrote, ‘Chappell Roan said all of her friends that have kids at 27 are in hell. That’s HER EXPERIENCE. It wasn’t some universal statement. Society is way more judgmental towards women that decide NOT to have kids than it is to mothers.’ The best comment ever told, however, was, ‘If you’re angry at people for choosing a child free life, you need to do a bit of soul searching and figure out where you went wrong. Society lies to women all the time, and every time one of us exposes that lie to the light of day, the ones who fell for it start to kick out in an effort to convince themselves and others that the status quo must continue. It’s okay for women to decide not to have kids, it’s okay for them to talk about it and it’s okay for you to just let people live their lives.’

The caption in the video of that last commentator read, ‘Chappell Roan exposed the greatest lie ever told.’ And I have to say, she was absolutely, 100% right. Motherhood IS, in fact, hell, and it being the greatest thing that would ever happen to you is, in fact, the greatest lie ever told. Don’t get me wrong, my son is my everything. He’s my motivation to live and never give up. But motherhood is no walk in the park. It’s not glamorous. And it’s most certainly not what you see on social media. It’s by far the hardest thing I’d ever done. There were days where I even questioned my decision to have a child to begin with. Sometimes, I still question that decision.

Before having my son, there were so many things I needed to consider, such as what pregnancy would look like for me while I have a physically disabled and chronically ill body. It wasn’t a ‘wham, bam, thank you ma’am type of thing that happened where my husband and I just had unprotected sex to have our son. A lot of thought was put into that decision, as well as a lot of planning, which can be hell in itself. It WAS hell. This alone could lead women to decide not to have children. I contemplated a lot on whether I should have children due to this factor, but I eventually decided I wouldn’t let my disability and chronic illness dictate my life. So I didn’t, and I had my baby.

And though motherhood was something I’d worked so hard for to get for years and years, which seemed like an eternity, it didn’t provide me the happiness I thought it would. In contrast, it made me absolutely miserable. I almost wished I could take it all back. I couldn’t connect with my son. I’d sometimes even forget he was even there, only being reminded by his cries. And when I did remember, I’d have a hard time acknowledging that he was my son. In my eyes, he was just another baby; someone else’s baby. It was a case of postpartum depression. I knew it. I felt it. I fought it. The only reason why I survived it was because I had my parents’ support. Not my husband’s support, but my parents’.

Let me abundantly clear: my husband was there for me the best way he knew how, and the best way he knew how was physically speaking. What he lacked was the emotional aspect of the support I desperately needed from him. Whenever I tried to communicate that with him, he’d belittle my feelings and efforts to talk to him by telling me that I signed up for it, and therefore, shouldn’t have the feelings that I did. It was only after we heard the news that my (former) friend had killed her son, taken into custody, and was charged with murder. She was the last person I, my husband, and I think anyone who’d encountered her ever thought would ever happen to her.

As a society, whenever something like this happens, we’re very quick to judge the mother. The fact of the matter is, however, there’s a true lack of support available to new mothers after births of their children. The only support available is 6 weeks postpartum, where the OBGYN asks, ‘So how are you?’ And that’s it. But how is a new mom even supposed to know how she is after such a short amount of time? To add to it, they only ask how a woman is after birth in a physical sense. That lack of support for new mothers can contribute to postpartum depression and, in rare cases, postpartum psychosis. Postpartum psychosis is a severe mental health emergency that can arise after childbirth, and while it’s rare, it can lead to tragic consequences if untreated. Social support, or lack thereof, is a significant factor in postpartum depression, which itself can increase the risk of postpartum psychosis.  To elaborate further:

• Postpartum Psychosis: This is a rare but serious mental health condition characterized by confusion, hallucinations, delusions, and disorganized behavior. It can be incredibly distressing for the new mother and her family. 
• Social Support and Postpartum Depression: Social support plays a vital role in helping new mothers cope with the emotional and physical challenges of postpartum. Lack of support can exacerbate feelings of isolation, anxiety, and depression, increasing the likelihood of postpartum depression. 
• Postpartum Depression as a Risk Factor: Postpartum depression is more common than postpartum psychosis. It is a serious medical condition, not a character flaw, and can significantly impact a mother’s well-being. Research suggests that mothers with postpartum depression may be at higher risk of developing postpartum psychosis. 
• Consequences of Untreated Postpartum Mood Disorders: Both postpartum depression and postpartum psychosis, if left untreated, can have serious consequences for the mother and child. This includes difficulties in bonding with the baby, increased risk of suicide or filicide (killing of one’s child) in severe cases, and long-term negative impacts on the child’s development. 
• Importance of Support: Providing adequate social, emotional, and practical support to new mothers is crucial in preventing and managing postpartum mood disorders. This support can help mothers feel less overwhelmed, more confident, and better equipped to cope with the demands of motherhood. 

My friend who murdered her child… she was the most maternal person I ever met in my life. When I looked at her, I thought to myself that if anyone deserved to be a mother, it was her. She had a maternal instinct like no other. She was a caretaker. She had that in her. And she wanted to be a mother. Like me, she’d worked hard to get there. She went through numerous fertility treatments, and it finally happened to her. As I gave birth to my son, she got pregnant. I was happy for her when I heard the news of her pregnancy. In my eyes, no one was more deriving to finally become a mother than her.

Hearing the news of what happened to her was shocking to me, and yet, somehow, not surprising at all. When I spoke to her last, I had a feeling that my friend was in somewhat of blindsided by the idea that motherhood is like what you’d see in Disney film – cute, charming, funny, beautiful, aspirational, and glamorous. In other words, I felt that she assumed motherhood was everything that it’s actually not. When we last spoke, my son was 2 months old. I already had just some experience in mothering. She asked me a blunt question: ‘What’s your favourite thing about motherhood?’ I really wanted to tell her that it was actually nothing, but I knew it wasn’t what she wanted to hear, so I lied and made up a sh*tty answer. Now, as I look back at that very moment, more than ever I wish I was truthful with my friend.

I knew her. I knew her well. I knew her of her background. I knew of her childhood. I knew of her life with her parents and brother. I knew of her life with her husband. It was her life with her husband that forced me to end the friendship years ago. Our husbands were friends. She and I met each other through them. The 4 of us then became friends; close friends. We’d talk everyday and see each other often. She and I would often hang out just the two of us as well. We talked about literally everything, and I think that was the main problem. I didn’t like how her husband treated her. To me, it was borderline abuse. At some point, I had to cut ties with her. I couldn’t handle witnessing my friend be mistreated so badly and her just being okay with it. Nevertheless, we spoke periodically for the next few years. She was never completely out of my life.

A few days before tragedy struck, I was going to message to wish her a happy new year and ask her if she wanted to hang out again. I felt I was finally ready to do that. But somehow, I got distracted. Whether it was my son, or my husband, or anything else, I couldn’t tell you. All I know is that I didn’t get the chance to. I just assumed there’d be more time. Before I knew it, however, there wasn’t, and it was absolutely gutting. I was devastated and heartbroken. When I first heard the news, I was confused, but I then realized it wasn’t that complicated as I knew the truth; her truth.

With all that being said, how can you even say that motherhood ISN’T hell? And it’s not Chappell Roan’s fault that it’s hell, but the system’s. If you’re getting mad at a pop star, you’re missing the point. She wasn’t even trying to shame the women who became mothers by choice. She wasn’t even attacking them when she said motherhood was hell. She was simply saying what her friends have experienced; what she witnessed them experience and the stories that she’s been told. And she’s absolutely right. Motherhood is hell-ish. For starters, women in the US are currently facing an unprecedented attack on their reproductive rights. In several states, the choice of whether or not to continue a pregnancy, or to become a mother, is one that’s becoming increasingly controlled. Once a woman gives birth, she’s largely on her own. It’s exactly what I’ve been saying this entire blog entry concerning my friend. She did try to get help, but was denied.

The US is also the one of only six countries in the world with no federally mandated paid-leave policy, meaning that one in four women return to work within TWO weeks of giving birth. And even if you are one of the lucky mothers with maternity leave provided through your employer, things can seem tough. I’d never experienced having to leave my baby to go back to work because I work from home and make my own schedule. I’d stayed with him full-time for almost 2 years until he started going to daycare. But I can’t even imagine having to back to work while recovering from labour – both physically and mentally – and leaving my son alone with someone else shortly after being born. Not only is it that a woman’s body is healing in different ways, but she’s missing all the important milestones for someone else to witness as well, such as the first smile, the first laugh, first step, etc. It’d be so heartbreaking for me to even think about that.

This leads me to discuss the next topic – childcare. There’s much to be said about the subject of sending your kids to childcare. I know friends who did send their kids to daycare, and I know those that hadn’t. Those that left their kids at home and decided not to send them to daycare did so because they either had someone to leave them with or the mother decided to be a stay-at-home mother. No matter the reason, it was because they had someone to be the child in question throughout the day. My husband and I decided to send our son to daycare, but not because we didn’t have anyone to leave him with throughout the day. It was because we felt that sending him to daycare would help him enhance his skills.

Childcare isn’t just about babysitting. It offers so many beneficial things for your child’s development, such as fostering social skills, promoting independence, and providing a structured learning environment. Daycare can also help children develop important life skills like sharing, problem-solving, and communicating with others. Furthermore, it allows parents to work or pursue other responsibilities while knowing their child is in a safe and supervised setting. To break things down more thoroughly:

Social and Emotional Development: 

• Socialization: Daycare provides a structured environment for children to interact with peers, learn to share, and develop empathy. 
• Building Confidence: Navigating new situations and making choices in a daycare setting helps children build self-confidence and independence. 
• Emotional Development: Daycare can help children develop emotional regulation skills and learn to express their feelings in a healthy way. 
• Friendship Formation: Daycare provides opportunities for children to form friendships and learn the importance of social connections. 
• Smoother Transition to Kindergarten: The routine and social interactions in daycare can make the transition to kindergarten smoother for some children. 

Cognitive and Physical Development: 

• Stimulating Activities: Daycares offer a variety of activities designed to stimulate cognitive and physical development. 
• Learning New Skills: Children in daycare may learn new skills like language, problem-solving, and communication through play and structured activities. 
• Structured Routine: Daycare provides a predictable routine that can be beneficial for children’s development. 

Practical Benefits for Parents: 

• Work and Other Responsibilities: Daycare allows parents to work or pursue other responsibilities while knowing their child is in a safe and supervised environment. 
• Time for Self: Daycare can provide parents with much-needed time for themselves to rest, recharge, or attend to other tasks. 
• Reduced Parental Stress: Knowing their child is in a safe and stimulating environment can reduce parental stress and improve overall well-being. 
• Support System: Daycare can also provide parents with a network of other parents and caregivers to connect with. 

Sending my son to daycare was an adjustment. I went from spending every waking moment with him to feeling like I was barely seeing him between Monday to Friday. But as sad as I was for that drastic change, I knew it’d do him good. It was a big adjustment for all of us for different reasons. My son had a tough time adjusting to being a completely new environment without having me or anyone he knew around. I had a tough time adjusting to the fact that my son was no longer with me 24/7. And my husband and I had a tough time adjusting to the financial burden it brought on us. Childcare costs in Canada vary widely, with significant differences between provinces, municipalities, and the type of care (center-based, home-based, or nanny). While the federal government has made a commitment to bring fees down to $10 a day on average by March 2026, costs remain high for many families. Factors influencing childcare costs include:

• Age of Child: Younger children (0-3 years) generally require more attention and staff ratios, potentially leading to higher fees. 
• Type of Care:
  • Center-based care: Offers the most expensive options, especially for infants and toddlers, ranging from $1,250-$2,500 per month for infants, $1,000-$2,000 for toddlers, and $800-$1,500 for preschool. 
  • Home-based care: Costs are generally lower than center-based, with averages between $700-$1,200 per month for registered home daycares. 
  • Nannies: Can range from $2,400-$5,000 per month, depending on qualifications and duties. 
• Province and Municipality: Costs vary significantly by location. Some provinces have more subsidized systems, like Quebec, with lower average fees. 
• Hours of Care: Full-time care is generally more expensive than part-time care. 
• Government Initiatives: Provinces and territories are implementing reductions in child care fees, with some reaching an average of $10 a day. 

Average Costs: 

• In 2023, parents paid an average of $562 per month for full-time care of 0-3 year olds and $499 for 4-5 year olds. 
• Average monthly expenses for center-based child care in 2023 were $508, down from $663 in 2022. 
• Average monthly expenses for home-based child care in 2023 were $585, similar to the previous year. 
• Some estimates suggest that annual costs for full-time childcare can range from $6,906 to $8,409 per year. 

Government Support: 

• The federal government is providing funding to provinces and territories to lower child care fees and expand access. 
• Some provinces are implementing $10-a-day childcare initiatives, with the goal of reaching that average by March 2026. 
• Parents can also potentially claim child care expenses on their tax returns. 

My husband and I sent our son to a daycare that provides government support to parents, and yet, costs are STILL expensive. Is it worth it? Yes. My son loves going to daycare, and he’s made so much progress since he started attending full-time. But it doesn’t change the fact that it was an expensive addition to our family’s monthly costs. Due to these high costs, some families have to rely on their parents for financial support, even with two people working full-time.

I’d also like to add that childcare is great for children with disabilities, including autism and other developmental and intellectual disabilities. Its setting provides opportunities for children with disabilities to interact with their typically developing peers. Such interaction can help them develop important social and communication skills, build friendships, and increase their confidence. Typically, developing children who don’t have disabilities also benefit from interacting with their peers who have disabilities, learning about diversity and how to offer support. Inclusive childcare centers offer access to quality early childhood education, which is crucial for a child’s development. Childcare programs can provide individualized support and adapt activities to meet the specific needs of each child, promoting learning and growth. They also allow access to resources and support networks that can help families navigate the challenges associated with raising a child with disabilities. Even more so, inclusive childcare programs create a foundation for acceptance and understanding, not just within the center but throughout a child’s life. By learning to interact with and support children with disabilities, typically developing children develop empathy and respect for individual differences. 

In many cases, parents of children with disabilities choose to send their children to schools and childcare programs exclusively geared towards kids with disabilities. I personally don’t believe it’s the right choice, especially as someone who grew up with a disability myself. And while we’ve already established that childcare costs are expensive, childcare costs for kids with disabilities can be even more expensive. A ‘regular’ childcare can cost up to $7,000 a year, while a childcare that’s meant to be exclusively for children with disabilities can cost up to $30,000, maybe even more. Who in the right mind would ever be ever to afford such costs without government support, unless they come from a rich family?

This leads me to discuss the hardships and realities of parenting kids with disabilities and special needs. I don’t think many people who aren’t in such a situation understand the gravity of how different it is to raise them than it is to raise ‘regular’, non-disabled children. It brings so much stress the parents – emotional strain, financial burden, social isolation, physical demands, strain parents’ relationship, mental health struggles, having to navigate the system, behavioural challenges, as well as the constant fear and worry. So much goes into raising a child with ‘different abilities’; more than any parent would bargain for. No person ever thinks that their child will be disabled. So what do they do when you do end up having a disabled child? It’s not like you can exchange the child for someone ‘better’. If you’re a good parent, you continue on with your life and try to make the best out of the situation you’re in; and that’s hell in its own way.

In a recent interview that she did with SZA, Chappell Roan, whose real name is Kayleigh Rose Amstutz, opened up about how the hate and criticism she’s faced felt personal. In a conversation with Interview Magazine, she said when asked if she she “gave a f*** about the backlash”, ‘I didn’t, until people started hating me for me and not for my art. When it’s not about my art anymore, it’s like, ‘They hate me because I’m Kayleigh, not because they hate the songs that I make. That’s when it changed. They don’t [know Kayleigh]. But when things are taken out of context, people assume so much about you. I didn’t realise I’d care so much. When it comes to my art, I’m like, ‘B****, you can think whatever you want. You are allowed to hate it with all your guts.’ But when it comes to me and my personality, it’s like, ‘Damn. Am I the most insufferable b**** of our generation?’’

So she might be the b*tch of this generation, but I wouldn’t go as far as saying that she’s insufferable. In fact, I’d say that she’s the greatest b*tch of this generation. She told the world exactly how it is, without question. Motherhood IS hell. That hell isn’t for everyone, and anyone who understands that it’s not for them is doing society a favour. The fact of the matter is, living a child-free lifestyle NEEDS to be normalized through and through. There’s absolutely nothing wrong with making that choice. If the answer isn’t an absolute-yes to having kids, then you really shouldn’t have kids. Period. People who make that decision can still live a very fulfilling life, and it doesn’t matter what the reason(s) for that decision might be. Everyone has the right to decide whether or not to have children, and this decision should be respected, regardless of personal preference. In fact, the choice to be childfree can lead to greater personal well-being for some individuals, allowing them to prioritize their mental and physical health, pursue career goals, or engage in hobbies and travel. Parenthood isn’t the only pursuit to happiness….