Forget You Not: What Le-Le’s Journey Of Self-Discovery And Starting Her Life Over In Her 40’s Tells Other Women About Their Own Lives – And What Her Parents’ Past Mistakes And Choices Have To Do With It

I recently got to watch the new Netflix series, Forget You Not, which stars Hsieh Ying-xuan in the main role. The story follows Cheng Le-le, a woman in her 40’s who’s in the midst of a mid-life crisis, having recently divorced her husband, caring for her ailing father, and is taking up on her ambition to become a well-known stand-up comedienne. In hindsight, the plot is somewhat similar to that of The Marvelous Mrs. Maisel, the show created by Gilmore Girls’ Amy Sherman-Palladino and starred Rachel Brosnahan in the main role. The one distinct difference between the two is that Forget You Not is set in the modern day, whereas The Marvelous Mrs. Maisel is set in the 50’s.

Throughout the series, it’s clear that Le-le isn’t happy. There’s something missing in her life, and it’s not a man. She and her husband, Chang Kai, had long been having problems in their marriage. They initially met at one of Le-le’s stand up shows. Kai was at his lowest point in his life, and Le-le was there to bring the funny to him. He brought the family stability to her that she lacked so much throughout her life. Eventually, over time, the spark that they once shared was gone. Le-le spent more time taking care of her father, as well as with her friends, than with her husband. They were merely living as roommates than anything else. Kai was getting his life back together. He was doing well at work; promoted to become partner at his firm, which was something he worked towards throughout his career.

One day, Le-le is at her father’s house, caring for him and attending to his needs. Kak is having dinner with his co-workers and subordinates, celebrating his new promotion. Le-le was supposed to be there with them, but she completely forgot. When she does remember, she rushes there, looking like a complete mess and an obvious outsider to her husband’s peers. Nevertheless, they all welcomed her with open arms as soon as they laid eyes on her when she arrived. The only person that didn’t was Kai himself, who when Le-le was asked what she did for a living, was quick to interrupt her and come up with a fancy made-up profession for her.

He was obviously ashamed of Le-le’s career choices, having been working as a stand-up comedian and a grocery store cashier to add to it. That was Le-le’s moment of realization. That was when she knew her marriage was over. They became too different. Nothing was keeping them together; only apart. Kai became a completely different person than the one she married. So much so that he became embarrassed of her aspirations; ones that once were the key factor in their beginnings. And though sad about her new reality of being single in her 40’s, that wasn’t the biggest heartbreak she’d ever gone through.

Throughout her life, ever since childhood, all Le-le ever wanted to do was go to America. She had someone waiting for her there – her mother. At least that was what she thought until she got the news that her mother passed away. Not only was her mother not in America, but she was right beside her all along. It was Le-le’s greatest sadness; to realize that her mother abandoned her all those years ago. She was devastated. It was at that moment that she realized that practically her entire life was a lie. She was lied to by everyone around her, particularly her father. Her mother was right there, practically walking distance from her, and her father was paying for her mother’s medical bills despite the fact that she’d left the family all those years ago.

Le-le had to grow up without her mother. She left the family home when Le-le was 10 years old. Le-le’s parents met at a young age. They were in love; happy as can be. Things changed, however, once Le-le was born. Her mother wasn’t the same person anymore. She struggled with depression. Le-le’s father was gone days at a time, and he failed to realize that anything was wrong with her. But something WAS wrong with her; very wrong with her. Le-le’s nothing was struggling with severe postpartum depression. She tried her hardest to communicate it with Le-le’s father, but every time she did, she’d go numb.

For those of you that might not be familiar, postpartum depression (PPD) is a type of depression that affects some women after childbirth. It’s characterized by persistent sadness, anxiety, and fatigue, making it difficult to care for oneself and the baby. If left untreated, PPD can negatively impact both the mother and child, potentially leading to issues with bonding, parenting, and even the child’s development. PPD is a mood disorder caused by a hormonal imbalance that can occur after childbirth, causing significant emotional distress. Symptoms include persistent sadness, anxiety, fatigue, and difficulty sleeping. If untreated, it can last for months; even years, just as seen with Le-le’s mother, who even after 10 years, was still struggling with the disorder.

In my previous blog entry on Chappelle Roan, I heavily discussed my (former) friend who murdered her son. This event is the very worst thing that can ever happen to someone struggling with this disease if not treated properly. It’s what’s called postpartum psychosis, a severe mental illness and life-threatening psychiatric emergency that can affect a person’s sense of reality. It typically occurs within the first two to four weeks after giving birth, affecting 1–2 in every 1,000 deliveries. Symptoms include hallucinations, delusions, paranoia, and other behavioral changes. In severe cases, people with PPP may attempt to harm themselves or their baby, which was exactly what happened to my friend. And she did attempt to get the help she needed. 

This wasn’t what happened to Le-le’s mother. Instead, she stayed with the family until Le-le was 10 years old. She was still in pain /so many years later. Not physical pain, but emotional. Before she left for good, she taught Le-le everything she needed to know in order to live independently – cooking, cleaning, etc. Le-le mastered those skills, and she’d used all that she was taught by her mother in her adult life. But all throughout her life, she was missing one thing – her mother. She was told by her father that her mother was in America, and she believed it and made it her life’s mission to get there to be there with her. In her mind, her mother was still waiting for her. It felt like a stab in the heart when she found out that her mother was so close by. She was lied to… by everyone.

I resonated with Le-le’s pain. I felt her pain. I understood her pain. I knew her pain. To watch your parent struggle with the disease as a young child is isolating in itself. I could compare it to your parent dying, except they’re alive. But it makes no difference, because you can’t talk to them. The parent that’s struggling is physically alive, but emotionally, they’re anything but there. You can’t have a parent-child relationship with them, no matter how much you try. You don’t know the version of your parent that everyone else does, and you constantly feel like it’s your fault. But it’s not your fault. We saw this unfold through flashbacks. Le-le tried so hard to connect with her mother, but her mother wasn’t emotionally available for her. Le-le desperately tried to feel the love that she deserved from her mother, but she couldn’t give it to her. Le-le’s father wasn’t emotionally available still home for work most days, and she was there to take care of everything, including herself, on her own.

Le-le’s mother used to be so happy; the life of the party and the one that could make an entire room fill with laughter. That was the version of Le-le’s mother that Le-le’s father fell in love with. But it wasn’t her anymore; not after Le-le’s birth. She didn’t converse with her kid, she barely played witShe doesn’t converse with her kid, she barely played with her, and was unable to give her daughter the emotional stability she needed as a young child. It was certainly a heartbreaking way to go, especially as all Le-le wanted was love and attentiveness, and her mother was never able to give that to her. It was one random Tuesday that Le-le came home to eat dinner and saw her mom, with packed suitcases, ready to leave. She understood what was about to happen. She begged her mother to stay, and she did…for a little while. She first taught Le-le how to cook her signature dish, one that Le-le would continue cooking into adulthood, had dinner with her, and with much heartache, left for good.

This very much explained Le-le’s fractured relationship with her father. He was never attentive with her. He was a provider, and he was too busy with his military duties to give her the nurturing that she needed. Le-le had to grow up – fast. Mostly, because her father was away most of the time. When he wasn’t working, he was jumping between different women with flings or short-lived relationships. Despite the extreme resentment she felt towards her father, Le-le still took on the risk of a caregiver for him as he struggled with dementia. It was hard, but it was also something she felt she needed to do. Never mind that he annoyed her. Never mind that he was practically never there for her. Never mind that he made almost every special occasion of Le-le’s including her wedding to Kai, about him and stole her limelight. He was her father, and it was something that she had to do.

Nevertheless, Le-le felt betrayed by her father in the new realization that her mother was right there, near her, all along and that he’d met her mother a few times after she left the family and paid for her medical expenses. For a while, she didn’t know if it was something she could forgive. She’d kept all her feelings towards her mother repressed up until that point. She let her troubles out on the mic, spilling her heart to the empty room at the comedy club while Mark, her manager, watched on. He decided to take a chance and go with Le-le’s new direction in her comedy act, but was quick to remind her that these people who go to see her shows were coming to the club to forget their worries, not to be completely depressed.

One particular thing that Le-le said her act that shed light to me was, ‘As a woman, I forgive you. But as a daughter, I’ll never understand…’ It was her speaking to her mother as if she was there in the room listening to her. It was a testament to the consequences a parent’s struggle with depression has on the child. And not only that, but the consequences of the parent leaving the child due to their own struggles. Those words struck a chord with me. Like Le-le, I’d witnessed my mother struggle with depression in my own childhood. But unlike Le-le, I’d witnessed my mother work through her trauma and bust her a** off to get better. And that’s not to say that Le-le’s mother didn’t try, because she did. Through flashbacks, we got to see that there were, in fact, moments of happiness between Le-le and her mother. Le-le’s mother smiled and spent time with Le-le, and when she left, Le-le actually let her go willingly. We also learned, through Le-le’s words to her father, that when she left the family home, she intended to leave him and take Le-lie with her. They even went to get Le-le’s passport photo made before her leaving.

The most devastating realization following her mother’s passing, however, was she was the one who’d bought the VIP tickets to Le-le’s shows, and she wasn’t the one who continued to not show up. In hindsight, the circumstances surrounding Le-le’s mother were similar to that of her marriage. Not only was her relationship with Kai drifting apart before they eventually decided to separate, but he was also leaving for Singapore without her, and without much notice. To add to it, Le-le’s relationship with Kai mirrored that of her parents. Where Le-le wanted respect, Kai wanted her to understand his priorities and be there for him. With her ailing father, it wasn’t something she could give him. Le-le’s mother wanted Le-le’s father to understand her and prioritize her, but his work in the military took over him.

The fact that Le-Le’s mother had left her when she was so young had left an indelible mark on her subconscious. Le-le went on with her life following her mother leaving, but the event left her scarred nevertheless. Her mother was a musician and a performer before she settled with Le-le’s father and had Le-le. Once Le-le was born, though, that passion seemed to have faded. She was suffering inside, and had inner conflicts that needed to be dealt with. Settling down and having a child was something that was expected of her to do, as a woman and as a Chinese woman. Once she gave birth to Le-le, she realized that taking the responsibility of the newborn was not something she was prepared for. She wasn’t cut out to be a mother.

And you might say to yourself that Le-le’s mother should’ve known this before having her. What you have to realize is that it’s all easier said than done. It’s almost impossible to know this before having a child. That’s why I feel that it’s so commendable when women realize it for themselves on their own; even when the decision to lead a child-free life goes against what’s expected from them. That wasn’t the case for Le-le’s mother. Everyday, she stood by the door waiting for her husband, feeling a sort of numbness. She knew what was expected of her as a mother, but she just couldn’t find a way to not get overwhelmed and burdened by that responsibility. In the end, she couldn’t face those responsibilities and left the family home. And while she knew her daughter was a performer, like she once was, she supported her by buying tickets to see her shows, but never ended up going to any of them…perhaps because she couldn’t face her.

And though she resented her father, especially following the newfound revelation about her mother and the information he’d kept from her, she was still there for him. It was because no matter what he’d ever put her through, she still loved him with all her heart, and wanted to be there for him. Her father was aging, becoming more and more like a child. As a daughter, Le-le knew that it was her responsibility, and her responsibility alone, to care for him. She knew that if she left him, he wouldn’t be able to survive for long. There were times Le-Le felt miserable about her own existence, but she also knew that if, being a daughter, she didn’t take responsibility for her father, who would? Her mother had already left him, and she didn’t have it in her to do the same.

Motherhood can be absolute hell. It IS hell. I put a fairly large emphasis on it in my previous blog entry. Motherhood, most of the time, isn’t what it seems. It’s much more complex than that. Some women need to have a child to realize that being a mother isn’t for them. Some really do think becoming a mother is what they want until they actually become mothers and realize that it’s not. Some women cave to societal expectations by having children that they don’t even want to begin with. And then there are women whose entire lives depend on their children, and they define their own lives by the lives of their children. In my own life, I know the one reason my parents had me was because it was expected of them by society. I also know that their life, particularly my mother’s life, would’ve looked much different had they not had me. Whether it would’ve looked better is up for debate. But I know my mother’s life would’ve looked more like the one she’d always envisioned for herself. That said, do I feel a sense of guilt for the life my mother ended up living at the hands of having a disabled child? Somewhat, yes. Did my mother’s depression affect me in any way? Yes, in more ways that anyone in my life could comprehend. Does it still have an effect on my life? Yes, it’s still in the back of my mind somehow, even despite the fact that my mother has long worked through her struggles, and she and I have mended our relationship.

I myself never really wanted to have an end goal of getting married and having children. It was never my dream, so to speak. I wanted to marry my husband and have HIS children; so I did. The road to us having our son was anything but easy. Went through a lot of stress and turmoil to get there. But we got there, even if it took us years and a whole lot of money to do it. In the years that we tried to conceive, where the end goal was to have a baby, I thought that getting to that end goal would make me happy. But it didn’t. It only made me miserable. All I remember from that first year was that I constantly questioned whether motherhood was for me to begin with; much like Le-le’s mother did. It was the loneliest I’d ever felt in my entire life. The pain I felt was indescribable.

Unlike Le-le’s mother, I had help. Unlike Le-le’s mother, I didn’t just rely on my husband and the father of my child for support. Just like Le-le’s father, my husband was fairly clueless of my struggles following our son’s birth. In his mind, it was something I’d signed up for, and therefore, shouldn’t have felt everything I’d been feeling. It wasn’t until we’d heard the news of my (former) friend’s arrest following her murdering her son that he realized the depth of what I’d gone through and just how badly it could’ve all ended. If I were to be completely honest, I believe that my friend should’ve done what Le-le’s mother had done: leave. I, too, contemplated on leaving, especially in the first year of motherhood. My brain kept telling me that my son would’ve been better off without me; that there’s no real need for me to be there in his life. He always preferred his dad anyways. My friend, however, needed to leave. It would’ve been the best, and safest, decision for everyone involved.

My friend was someone who had a maternal instinct in her. In my eyes, she was meant to be a mother. But alas, motherhood wasn’t for her, and the mental health she’d endured at the hands of her postpartum ended in tragedy. Leaving could’ve saved her son. Her son’s life wouldn’t have been easy, of course. But he would’ve gotten a chance to live. Le-Le’s mother’s departure was a pivotal event that shaped Le-Le’s understanding of family, identity, and belonging. It created a void in her life, leading to feelings of displacement and a struggle to understand her family’s history and her place within it. The event also impacted Le-Le’s relationships, particularly with her father, who is also affected by the mother’s absence and the family’s past, and her husband Kai. 

My friend, though she had a maternal instinct in her, didn’t have the support she needed in order for her to feel well enough to take care of herself. They say it takes a village to raise a child, and it certainly does. But she didn’t have that village due to circumstances that were beyond her control. I can’t imagine what must’ve gone through her head for her to be able to do what she’d done. That said, what had happened led me to make positive changes in my life; particularly in how I took care of myself through my motherhood journey. I decided for myself that I’d only be doing what was best for me, even if others didn’t like it or had an issue for me. I decided that my happiness was worth a lot more than others’. I decided that if I was happy, my son was happy, and that was everything to me. Luckily, I had my husband’s full support.

Call me crazy, but I think that, in hindsight, having to witness my mother’s depression was somewhat of a blessing. It made me gain firsthand understanding what my son would have to go through had I continued living the way that I did in my depression. My depression started before I had my son, so I can’t ever fully blame postpartum on my mental illness. It was a combination of things. No matter the case, I knew what would happen to me, as well as my son, if I didn’t do the work I needed to do; and it had nothing to do with postpartum psychosis. I just couldn’t let that happen.

I knew what I had to do. I needed to work on myself. And not only that, but I needed to make sure my son saw that in me. It started out small; with me working out every morning before my son went to daycare. He’d watch me work out, and I’d tell him, ‘Mommy is working on her mental health.’ Now, a few months in, it’s become a routine. For him, it’s a dance party, and I still tell him, ‘Mommy’s working hard on her health.’ I put an emphasis on that. It’s important to me that he knows it. It’s more important for a child to know and witness their parent work on their mental health than one might think. Knowing that their parent is working on their mental health is important for children because it fosters open communication, reduces stigma, and helps them develop empathy and understanding. It also allows children to feel less alone in their own potential struggles and encourages them to seek help when needed. To break things down more thoroughly:

• Reduces Stigma: When parents openly discuss their mental health, it normalizes the topic and reduces the stigma associated with mental illness for the entire family. 
  
• Promotes Open Communication: It encourages children to talk about their own feelings and experiences, creating a safe space for dialogue about mental health. 
  
• Builds Empathy and Understanding: Children can better understand their parent’s struggles and develop empathy for others facing similar challenges. 
  
• Reduces Anxiety and Fear: Knowledge about the situation can alleviate anxiety and fear, especially if children are left to fill in the gaps with their own interpretations. 
  
• Encourages Seeking Help: By seeing their parent actively working on their mental health, children are more likely to seek help for their own mental well-being when needed. 
  
• Normalizes Seeking Professional Help: Children understand that getting professional help is a sign of strength and a positive step. 
  
• Models Healthy Coping Mechanisms: Children learn healthy ways to cope with difficult emotions and experiences by observing their parent’s efforts. 

More than anything in the entire world, I want to have a good, healthy relationship with my son. As he grows up, I want him to know that I really have tried to be the best version of myself, and there’s no better way to do so than having witness it with his own eyes. I sometimes have those days; like the ones that Le-le’s mother had. Ones where I feel absolutely empty inside. Ones where I feel worthless. Ones where I feel my son would be better off without me. But I also know that every single day, my son gets a glimpse into me working hard on my well-being. He sees that I’m not letting my mind control me and my life; that I’m fighting through and through to make myself feel better and to be the best version of myself that I can be. If not for myself, then for him.

The ending of Forget You Not saw Le-le’s father pass away. It marked the end of a very difficult caregiving journey for Le-le. But it also marked a great realization for her, and it was that she needed her father more than she ever thought she did. Le-le was spent most of her life being angry at her father for being partially to blame for her how her life had turned out, but it was in his death that she got to understand what a meaningful impact he had on her. And that’s the reality of the circle of life. The biggest mistake we can make in our lives is not seeing our parents as just people. Our parents will mess up. We, as parents to our own kids, will mess up too. Le-le’s father messed up in his parenting journey. He messed up as both a father and a husband, and both of these messes affected Le-le all throughout her life. But the reality remained: he tried his very best.

I think the greatest lesson in Forget You Not is that we should be kinder to our parents. Our parents aren’t perfect, no matter how much we expect them to be. It’s always difficult to anticipate that the conversation that you’re having with your parents, or any other loved one, is the last one that you’re going to have. So, maybe, after a certain age, if your blood relative or friend isn’t a toxic individual, you should cherish each interaction you have with them like it’s your last.