Brooke Hogan: The Dynamics Of Having A Codependent Relationship With A Parent In Adulthood – And The Outcomes That Can Make It Or Break It For The People Involved

I’ve been heavily discussing the subject of parenthood on this blog. It wasn’t the initial plan to do so, but as a mother, it’s been heavy on my mind as of late. It’s not just motherhood in particular that’s been heavy on my mind, but parenthood – BOTH motherhood and fatherhood. The dictionary defines parenthood as ‘the state of being a parent and the responsibilities involved.’ The ways two people parent leave a lasting impact on the child(ren) involved. By embracing the three P’s – provider, protector, and permanence – a parent lay a solid foundation. With the recent passing of WWE legend Hulk Hogan, I was reminded of how time and time again, we see parents fail in their roles as parents.

Together with his first ex-wife Linda Hogan, whom he was married to between 1983 and 2009, Hogan had two children, Nick and Brooke. He was very close with both of his children, but in recent years, a friction between Hulk and Brooke came to light. At the time of his passing, the once close father-and-daughter duo were estranged. Hulk never met Brooke’s two children, twins born this past January, he didn’t attend her 2022 wedding to Steven Oleksy, and she didn’t attend his 2023 wedding to third wife Sky Daily.

On the other hand, Nick Hogan remained close to his father. On Saturday, Aug. 2, Nick, was seen getting choked up as a tribute played for the late wrestling icon while attending the WWE summer event with his wife Tana Lea at the MetLife Stadium in New Jersey. Beforehand, Nick paid tribute to his father on Instagram by writing, ‘My dad was the most incredible person I’ve ever known and will always be my hero. He was the most kind, loving and amazing father anybody could ask for. I feel so blessed to have had the greatest dad in the world. He was not only the best dad but also my mentor and my best friend. He always has been my best friend and I love him and miss him more than I could ever explain.’

Brooke, despite the estrangement, also paid tribute to her deceased father. On Instagram, she wrote, ‘When he left this earth, it felt like part of my spirit left with him. I felt it before the news even reached us.  I know he’s at peace now, out of pain, and in a place as beautiful as he imagined. He used to speak about this moment with such wonder and hope. Like meeting God was the greatest championship he’d ever have.’ She then continued by saying it was “necessary to clear a few things up.” Brooke explained that it was not a single fight or one moment that caused their estrangement. She wrote, ‘It was a series of private phone calls no one will ever hear, know, or understand. My father was confiding in me about issues weighing on his heart, both personal and business. I offered to be a life raft in whatever capacity he needed. I told him he had my support. I begged him to rest, to take care of himself. He was telling me these things, being so vulnerable with me and heard my pleas, then suddenly something shifted, and he made a choice to walk the path that clearly tore at his spirit. I felt a disconnect. What followed were respectful disagreements that took an emotional toll on me. During the last two years, I had to step away to protect my heart.’

It was rumoured that Hulk’s third wife had something to do with the rift, but Brooke’s husband, a former hockey player, was quick to dispute those rumours and put them to rest. He told People, ‘My wife will say it — it had nothing to do with his new wife. It had to do with the way he treated her. I remained in contact with members of her family to try to keep that door open and understand if I should protect my wife or try to mend the relationship. It was a situation where she loved her dad very, very much. With that love comes heartache and comes many challenges that she’s faced in the public and that she still faces today because of others’ actions. At the end of the day, knowing how much she loves everybody in her family, I always try to support decisions that she made, and I always tried to support the relationships that she envisioned.’

Believe me when I say that I understand completely. I understand completely where Brooke is coming from, and I understand completely where her husband is coming from. I especially understand where Brooke’s husband is coming from. I’m the wife of someone decided to go no-contact with his family. First, with his father in 2023, and then with his stepmother the following year. We tried our best to maintain a positive relationship with my husband’s stepmother following his estrangement with my father-in-law, mostly for the sake of his young half sisters, but too many boundaries were broken and lines had been crossed.

Boundaries are limits we set in relationships to define acceptable behavior and protect our well-being. They establish lines between ourselves and others, indicating what we are comfortable with and how we expect to be treated. Setting healthy boundaries is crucial for maintaining positive relationships, preventing burnout, and promoting self-care. 

What are boundaries? 

• Definition: Boundaries are the limits we set for ourselves in relationships, determining how we want to be treated and what we are willing to give. 
  
• Types: Boundaries can be physical, emotional, time-based, or space-based, and they vary based on individual differences, culture, and context. 
  
• Examples: Setting limits on physical contact, expressing your needs clearly, saying “no” to unwanted requests, or defining personal space. 

Why are boundaries important? 

• Protection: Boundaries protect our physical and emotional well-being by ensuring respect and preventing overextension. 
  
• Relationship Health: They foster healthy relationships by creating clear expectations, promoting trust, and preventing resentment. 
  
• Self-Care: Boundaries help us prioritize our needs, manage stress, and avoid burnout. 

How to set healthy boundaries: 

• Self-awareness: Understand your needs, values, and limits. 
  
• Clear communication: Express your boundaries clearly and directly to others. 
  
• Consistency: Enforce your boundaries consistently and follow through with consequences. 
  
• Respect: Respect the boundaries of others while asserting your own. 

Benefits of setting boundaries: 

• Increased self-esteem: Setting boundaries can boost self-confidence and self-respect. 
  
• Reduced stress and anxiety: By establishing limits, you can reduce feelings of overwhelm and anxiety. 
  
• Stronger relationships: Healthy boundaries create more balanced and respectful relationships. 

Yes – it’s absolutely important to set boundaries with family. Sometimes, you don’t have to because it’s just an unspoken rule; like it was with my parents. Even as I grew up living with cerebral palsy, my parents made sure they gave me age appropriate freedom. This continued on in my adulthood. More particularly, in my relationship with my now-husband. He and I lived at my parents’ house for 8 years, and yet, no lines were ever crossed. In fact, I don’t know if our relationship would’ve survived if it wasn’t for my parents’ support. I’m not just talking about financial support, but emotional too. My parents were the ones who gave my husband a chance to feel a sense of belonging.

The same couldn’t be said about my husband’s side of the family. Most notably, the same couldn’t be said about my father-in-law. My husband finally decided to go no-contact with him in 2023. Like Brooke Hogan, it wasn’t just a single thing that led him to make that difficult decision. It wasn’t even two, three, four, or even five things. It was a decision that was made after a lifetime of struggle to maintain a healthy relationship with my father-in-law – 30+ years worth.

From the very beginning, right on our first date, my husband was very clear with me that he wasn’t close with his father; that they had a difficult, strained, mostly non-existent relationship. My husband was living at his house along with his father’s second family, consisting of my husband’s stepmother and two young half-sisters. My husband was also employed at his father’s company. This, along with other things, caused a great rift between them. My husband didn’t feel like he had a parental figure in his life after his parents’ divorce. He was just winging it; with no one to guide him. In a nutshell, my husband was raising himself.

One thing I can say about my father-in-law is that he doesn’t have a f*cking clue how to be a father; a present father; a father who’s there for his children; one who’s there for his children wholeheartedly and unconditionally. At least Brooke and Hulk Hogan once shared a close father-daughter bond. In the realm of professional wrestling, Hollywood showed his soft touch when it came down to his role as a father. In their shared reality show, Hogan Knows Best, Hulk was portrayed as a protective father who supported his daughter’s career aspirations as an artist. Hulk’s genuine love and care for his daughter were evident, as he wanted to shield her from the often unforgiving entertainment industry, as well as in some cases, men. The Hogan family’s reality show, originally aired in the early 2000’s, was largely questioned in just how authentic and unscripted it was. No matter the case, his love and adoration for his children, particularly Brooke was never fake or made for TV.

In 2015, Hulk’s career took a turn as an audio tape was leaked of him making controversial and racial remarks towards Brooke’s then-boyfriend, who was Black. The leaked tapes caused Hulk to be removed from the WWE Hall Of Fame, and he was kept away from the company for years to come. And yet, Brooke defended her father, calling it an isolated incident. In a statement to ET Online, she said, ‘He’s my dad, I love him and the reason I’m standing by his side on this whole thing is because I know him, and it’s so easy for people to just — they need something to jump down people’s backs about.’

I can’t say I condone this kind of defence. I’m a complete daddy’s girl; always have been. As much as I love my own dad, if I found out that he made remarks even remotely as disgusting as Hulk Hogan did towards the person I loved most, he’d be out of my life no question. My husband too if it were his father that made such remarks. As a matter of fact, my father-in-law DID make disgusting remarks about me as a disabled woman, and my husband DID eventually cut ties with him. He would’ve done it a lot sooner, but it was ME who encouraged him to try to mend the relationship. My husband didn’t even want his father at our wedding, but it was me who convinced him to allow him to attend. Brooke’s husband, like me, tried his hardest to mend things between Hulk and his daughter, but to no avail. Hulk wouldn’t even see his daughter as her husband contacted him when she almost died at childbirth. I myself stopped giving a rats a** about my father-in-law and making an effort for him when he said to my face that he didn’t give a sh*t about my son and his existence. I give about 0 f*cks if he didn’t mean it or said it out of spite. That’s just not what you f*cking say – PERIOD. Not to a parent, and not to a child either. And he’s the type of person who’d say this to my child too. My son deserves better. My son deserves the world; a world that doesn’t include someone like my father-in-law or my husband’s stepmom; a world where the love is conditional.

Perhaps my all-time favourite movie is 2001’s Monster’s Ball, starring Billy Bob Thornton, Halle Berry, and the late Heath Ledger, who passed away in 2008. Berry won an Oscar for her performance as Leticia Musgrove, becoming the first biracial woman to win the award. The movie was well received by critics and moviegoers alike, grossing $45 million worldwide on a production budget of $4 million. Roger Ebert gave the film four stars and called it the best film of 2001. He wrote in his review, ‘[Thornton] and [Berry] star as Hank and Leticia, in two performances that are so powerful because they observe the specific natures of these two characters, and avoid the pitfalls of racial cliches. What a shock to find these two characters freed from the conventions of political correctness, and allowed to be who they are: weak, flawed, needful, with good hearts tested by lifetimes of compromise. The screenplay by [Addica] and [Rokos] is subtle and observant; one is reminded of short fiction by Andre Dubus, William Trevor, Eudora Welty, Raymond Carver. It specifically does not tell “their” story, but focuses on two separate lives. The characters are given equal weight, and have individual story arcs, which do not intersect but simply, inevitably, meet.’

While everyone was talking about Thornton and Berry’s performances, which were indeed exceptional, I couldn’t keep my eyes off of Heath Ledger in his role as Sonny Grotowski, Thornton’s son. Thornton played Hank, a man who watched his own father hate him and his mother; so he himself hated his wife and son. There were two scenes in particular which featured Sonny that truly captured the essence of his character. The first was when he threw up and fainted as he walked a prisoner to his execution, and his father, in turn, beat him in the bathroom and told him he was ‘soft’. The second was when Hank came home and started beating Sonny while he was creating in bed. The confrontation ended in their living room with Sonny asking his father if he hated him. After Hank confirmed to Sonny that he did hate him, Sonny took his own life by shooting himself in the chest in front of him and his grandfather after telling Hank he always loved him. Witnessing Sonny’s suicide and knowing he had everything to do with it left Hank shocked, ashamed, and devastated.

I can’t imagine being in Sonny’s shoes. And yet, I felt every bit of his pain in my bones. I know this pain because I’d witnessed it in my husband. Nothing he’d ever done was ever good enough in his father’s eyes. Nothing he’d ever achieved or accomplished was anything special in his father’s eyes. His father was only happy with him if he did as he was told – just the same as a boss is happy with his employee. My husband had endured constant belittlement and abuse from his father, very similar to the one that Sonny had experienced at the hands of his father. Who knows where my husband would’ve ended up had he not met me and become part of my family…

Maybe he would’ve seen himself wound up in the same fate as Sonny; feeling so helpless that he wouldn’t have seen any other way out than to unalive himself. Even while having so much support from me and my family, my husband had gone through so much turmoil and mental health struggles due to what he’d endured at the hands of his father. I don’t even want to think about what could’ve happened to him if he didn’t eventually see the light at the end of the tunnel as he got to experience the real love and nurture of a family. My husband was never good enough for his father, and with that constantly in the back of his mind, he never felt good enough for the world. His father’s presence in his life constantly made him question himself. It impacted not only his mental health, but physical health too. Once my husband saw how it impacted his own role as a father to our son, he finally decided to go no-contact with him.

Personally, I don’t think my father-in-law understands the real severity of the damage he’d caused. Even recently, he called my husband on his birthday and talked to him as if nothing was even wrong; telling my husband of his life updates, like that he got a new car, as if my husband gives a sh*t. My husband doesn’t. He doesn’t care of my father-in-law’s life updates; not anymore. One phone call won’t change anything, especially when the other person won’t ever admit that they’d done something wrong and actually apologize. All my husband wants to do now is break the cycle and prioritize his own role as a father and be a positive influence on our son. And let me tell you, my husband is doing a great f*cking job at it. In our son’s eyes, my husband is his hero.

What my father-in-law and Hulk Hogan had in common was that they were both codependent parents, and expected THEIR children to do as they were told, be on their side no matter what, and agree with them in everything they were to do. When their adult children didn’t, they’d be considered to be evil, neglectful, and every other negative thing under the sun. Generally speaking, codependency can occur in relationships between parents and children, where a parent may become overly reliant on their child for emotional support, validation, or a sense of purpose. Boundaries are essentially non-existent in codependent families. Instead of parents allowing their children to find and create their own identity, codependent parents will do what they can to assert their own identity over their children’s. There are distinctly 5 codependency symptoms. These are:

• The codependent parent exerts extreme control over their adult child’s life: The codependent parent often refuses to see their adult child as a grown individual and instead wants a child-like relationship so they can continue to control their adult child. The parent’s sense of self is wrapped up in the child’s dependence on them.

• The adult child struggles to make decisions: The adult child is raised to constantly question and second-guess their decisions because the codependent parent discourages individuality and a healthy sense of self. A codependent parent may feel insecure when a child makes decisions that may jeopardize the parent’s sense of control. 

• The codependent parent uses manipulation to get his or her way:
  A codependent parent will use various tactics to maintain control over an adult child. The main method is manipulation which is often subtle and unnoticed unless someone else points it out to them.

• The codependent parent is never wrong and is always the victim: A codependent parent will never admit to their wrongdoings or take responsibility for them. Instead, they’ll blame others for their own actions. This is another way to keep control. The parent believes they are always right and feels they would lose control if they admitted they were wrong.

• An adult child may seek and need constant validation from others: An adult child of a codependent parent is raised to question their sense of self and not encouraged to separate and become an individual apart from the parent. The codependent parent will often confuse their child by withholding compliments and at other times showering them with praise. A codependent parent is often threatened by a child’s success, or the parent may live vicariously through their children to meet a need that was never met in their own childhood. 

There were never clear answers as to whether or not Hulk and Brooke Hogan had a codependent father-daughter relationship. But the signs were absolutely there. And I’m telling you this as someone who’s married to a man who’d had a codependent relationship with a parent. These 5 symptoms mentioned above were everything and more that my husband had endured up until the very moment he decided he’d had enough. Since Hulk’s death, Brooke has been criticized for not attending his tributes led by led by WWE. She later posted on Instagram that she wasn’t even invited to begin with. She also made a request to be completely cut from his will because she didn’t want to be responsible for her father’s financial mess that’s tied to his estate.

Many were surprised by Brooke’s actions. But trust me when I say…this, along with not attending Hulk’s tribute, as well as the estrangement as a whole, was the best thing she could’ve ever done for herself and for her family. No matter what, one has to take action and do what makes them happy; take away anything that doesn’t fit into their own happiness and well-being. If it means being estranged from one’s parents, then it is what it is. Going the distance with a narcissistic parent can be the start of something new; an empowerment that you never thought you had in you. You realize that you can actually survive without the approval of the parent. It gives you the freedom to what you were actually meant to do rather than what was always expected of you. I know this because I see how positively my husband’s estrangement from my father-in-law has affected him.

Abraham once said, ‘You cannot get poor enough to help poor people thrive or get sick enough to help sick people get well. You can only uplift from a position of strength and clarity and alignment.’ At the end of the day, you can’t continue to live life for your parents. You have to live it for yourself. No matter what, you have to live it for yourself. Do what makes you happy; even if it scares you. If that means cutting a toxic parent out of your life, then do it!….