Lorna Dickey: Understanding One’s Mental Health Struggles Stemmed From An Underlying Illness – And Whether Her Suicide Was An Act Of Selfishness Or Cowardness

While I used The Wedding Year as the subject matter behind my previous blog entry to describe the meaning behind a healthy relationship and answering the million dollar question of whether it takes more than love to make a marriage work, I barely even mentioned the person behind the movie’s main character, Mara Baylor. I’m talking about Sarah Hyland. You might recognize her from Modern Family, a sitcom which ran between 2009 and 2020, where she played Haley Dunphy. Hyland has dealt with multiple severe health conditions, most notably a chronic kidney disease called kidney dysplasia, for which she has had two successful kidney transplants and has also required dialysis. Additionally, she has suffered from endometriosis, an abdominal hernia, and gout. These chronic conditions have resulted in over 16 surgeries, daily pain, extreme fatigue, and have significantly impacted her life, even causing her to have suicidal thoughts. To break things down more thoroughly:

Kidney Dysplasia and Transplants

• Born with it: Hyland was born with kidney dysplasia, meaning her kidneys did not develop properly in the womb. 

• First transplant: At age 21, her father donated a kidney to her, which was a successful transplant. 

• Rejection and Dialysis: Five years later, in 2017, her body rejected the first transplant, leading to kidney failure and requiring her to go on dialysis. 

• Second Transplant: Her younger brother then donated a kidney, which she received in 2017, and this second transplant has been successful. 

Other Health Issues

• Endometriosis: She also has endometriosis, a condition where tissue similar to the lining of the uterus grows outside the uterus. 

• Abdominal Hernia: She also had an abdominal hernia for almost a year. 

• Gout: Hyland has experienced gout, which is a form of arthritis caused by a buildup of uric acid. 

Impact on Her Life

• Constant Pain & Fatigue: For years, Hyland lived with chronic pain and exhaustion, often to the point she would collapse after work. 

• Mental Health: The overwhelming health struggles and pain led to her contemplating suicide. 

• Surgeries: She has undergone over 16 surgeries throughout her life to manage these conditions. 

• Impact on Filming: Her health issues often made filming Modern Family challenging, with her not remembering some episodes due to being constantly sick or exhausted. 

Through those years, Hyland had her now-husband, Wells Adams, whom she started dating in 2017 after he slid into her DMs a couple of days before her second kidney transplant, by her side. In 2019, she said of their relationship, ‘He’s seen me at my worst. I think that’s why I feel the most beautiful in his eyes, because he still finds me beautiful after seeing all that.’ Hyland also previously dated Shadowhunters star Dominic Sherwood between 2015 and 2017, as well as her Geek Charming co-star, Matt Prokop, between 2010 and 2014. I’ll talk more about Hyland’s previous relationships, particularly with Prokop, another time; I promise. For now, though, I want to leave it at that.

Hyland’s other Geek Charming co-star was Pretty Little Liars actress, Sasha Pieterse. She, too, experienced health struggles throughout her life, having experienced simultaneous diagnoses of PCOS and epilepsy at age 17, which contributed to a 70-pound weight gain and symptoms like acne, hair loss, and irregular periods while she was filming Pretty Little Liars. She struggled to get doctors to take her symptoms seriously before being diagnosed and has since found some success managing her PCOS through diet, particularly a ketogenic diet, and notes that her PCOS is currently dormant, though this is rare. To break it down more thoroughly:
 

Her Diagnosis & Symptoms

• Polycystic Ovary Syndrome (PCOS): At age 17, she was diagnosed with PCOS, a condition that can cause hormonal imbalances and other symptoms such as acne, hair loss, weight gain, and irregular periods. 

• Epilepsy: Around the same time, she also received a diagnosis of epilepsy, a neurological condition that causes seizures. 

• Weight Gain: She experienced a 70-pound weight gain which was visible on-screen while she was playing the role of Alison DiLaurentis in Pretty Little Liars. 

Her Journey

• Struggles with Doctors: Pieterse described difficulty finding a doctor who would take her health concerns seriously, revealing that she saw 17 different gynecologists. 

• Current Management: She has found that diet, especially a keto diet, has helped with her PCOS by supporting hormone balance. 

• Pregnancy: In 2020, she stated that getting pregnant was a blessing due to her PCOS. Her PCOS has since become dormant, which she attributes to her diet and other management efforts. 

In a recent episode of her She MD podcast with co-hosts Dr. Thaïs Aliabadi and Mary Alice Haney, Pieterse spoke heavily about her struggles to navigate her work life while struggling so much behind-the-scenes. She said, ‘I really started struggling with something, I didn’t know what it was. I had also just been diagnosed with epilepsy, which nobody knew until very recently. So I was dealing with seizures with no cause—no idea what the cause was—and I started gaining weight. I started Pretty Little Liars when I was 12. By 17, I had gained 70 pounds and was silently battling seizures, irregular periods, acne, and hair loss, while playing an ‘it girl’ on TV. I went to 17 different gynecologists. They all said I was just eating too much or not exercising enough, even though I was doing everything right. If I ate more salads, I would’ve turned green. Once I got the diagnosis, not only was that so validating—I’m not crazy, there is actually something that’s going on with me—now I have a label. Now I know that there are steps I can take to try and regulate it and move forward. It’s definitely a silent epidemic. And the more you talk about it, the more of a community you build. And you realize you are not alone, which is so important. I tried not eating. I would go through waves of depression. I had body dysmorphia and disordered eating, but it wasn’t changing what I looked like. If anything, it was getting worse. I got told I was crazy or that I was doing something wrong so many times. But I kept advocating for myself and that’s how I finally got an answer.’

I resonated with each and every word that Pieterse said of her struggles; because those were exactly my struggles. I couldn’t believe that there was another woman who’d gone through something that wasn’t even similar to me, but the SAME as me. That’s with the exception of cerebral palsy, but nonetheless, close enough. I finally felt seen. I finally felt heard. I finally felt like I wasn’t alone. In hindsight, she became the friend that I always wanted – needed – in my life. She herself didn’t know it.

In the years since my health struggles, I can finally say that I’m the most empowered I’ve ever been. I’m not healed by any means, but I’m certainly doing much better than I did before. I feel like I know my body, and I wholeheartedly believe that it’s thanks to PCOS and seizure disorder, which ended up being not epilepsy, but PNES instead, that I’d gotten to where I am today. In hindsight, me having PCOS and PNES became the best two things that ever happened to me; FOR me.

I also have to give credit where credit’s due; and that’s for both Sarah Hyland and Sasha Pieterse’s husbands. From experience, I know just how hard it can be to be with someone struggling with an illness; any illness. It’s not meant for everyone. Not everyone is caught out to do it. But I can also tell you that it’s so damn worth it. You get to see your partner thrive in a situation they didn’t they’d make through, but did…and have. You get to help them through their struggles. You get to support them. You can to cheer on them.

And then there someone like Emma Heming Willis. Her husband, former actor Bruce Willis, was diagnosed with aphasia in 2022. A year later, he was diagnosed with Frontotemporal Dementia, a group of brain disorders that can lead to speech issues, loss of motor skills and personality changes. Through everything, Heming Willis has been by his side. And so is the rest of his family, which includes his ex-wife, Demi Moore, and their 3 adult daughters.

In most recent news, Heming Willis, who has two young children with the former actor, in an interview with Diane Sawyer on on ABC‘s Emma & Bruce Willis: The Unexpected Journey, revealed that Bruce is now living in a separate home from his family; one that’s more tailored to his medical needs. She said, ‘I knew, first and foremost, Bruce would want that for our daughters. He would want them to be in a home that was more tailored to their needs, not his needs.’ The decision came after Emma began to slowly isolate their family. She learned noise can cause agitation to Bruce’s condition. As a result, the mom stopped hosting playdates and sleepovers for the girls. Heming Willis continued, ‘I didn’t know if parents would feel comfortable leaving their kid at our home. I isolated our whole family, and that was by design…That was a hard time. We’re there a lot. It’s our second home, so the girls have their things there. It is, you know, a house that is filled with love and warmth and care and laughter. It’s been beautiful to see that, to see how many of Bruce’s friends continue to show up for him, you know, they bring in life and fun. Bruce is still very mobile. Bruce is in really great health, overall, it’s just his brain that is failing him. The language is going, and, you know, we’ve learned to adapt. We have a way of communicating with him, which is just a different, a different way.’

Sawyer, who interviewed the actor several times throughout his career, was invited to his house without the cameras, and said that he was happy and healthy. To some, his wife’s decision might seem selfish. But who’s ever to say that this decision that Eming Williams made on behalf of her husband wasn’t taken lightly? I say that whoever thought of that decision to be selfish never had to endure life with an illness partner; let alone one that involved young children. Heming Willis is a mother to a 14 year old and an 11 year old. She not only has to make sure that her husband is taken care of, but that her children are too and are provided at least some sort of normalcy through this difficult time of watching their father’s health deteriorate. Let’s not judge her for having money to do what she did either. Willis worked hard throughout his entire career for that money, and Heming Willis doesn’t just sit on her a** either. And as we all can tell by this story alone, money doesn’t buy you all the happiness in the world.

As of late, I’ve been referring to Waterloo Road a lot when discussing important issues on this blog. For those of you that aren’t familiar, the show is set in a failing comprehensive school of the same name and focuses on the professional and personal lives of the students and staff. It originally ran between 2006 and 2015, and then from 2023 to the present day (as of the publishing of this entry) on BBC. It was created by Ann McManus in response to the network requesting to provide an idea for a drama with everyday people and their everyday lives. She used the programme to explore many topical issues that occur within Britain, applying them to an educational setting.

Three of those fictional everyday people that McManus characterized in the original series were Lorna Dickey, Tom Clarkson, and Izzie Redpath. Lorna was an English teacher at the school, as was Tom. He was also the most inspirational teacher that students looked up to. And Izzie was Head of Drama, as well as an English teacher. She was also the mother of two students attending the school, Mika and Chlo. The story of Lorna, Tom, and Izzie was developed into a love triangle.

At the very start of the series in 2006, Lorna and Tom were engaged to be married. Izzie is Lorna’s best friend, and it was revealed that she and Tom were in love with one another. Tom was ready to leave Lorna to be with Izzie, but Izzie was hesitant because she loved Lorna too much to ever hurt her. It was unbeknownst to Lorna of Tom and Izzie’s feelings for each other, and when she felt that Tom was pulling away from her, she desperately asked Izzie to speak to him. Izzie got upset, which led to Lorna finding out. While Tom did go through with the nuptials to Lorna, he kissed Izzie that night.

Lorna found out she was pregnant. She was initially excited as she saw it was an opportunity for her and Tom to get closer to one another. He didn’t see it that way, however. Instead, he got drunk at a bar, and he got home, in a drunken state he told Lorna that he only married her because he felt sorry for her, and that he would’ve never married her if he knew she was pregnant. Heartbroken, believing that Tom didn’t care for her, Lorna decided it’d be best to get an abortion. Even though she knew Izzie had feelings for Tom, she asked her to come with her to the appointment. Izzie hesitated, but went with her nonetheless.

As Lorna went through with the abortion, Tim helped a student deliver a baby. The experience of watching a new life be brought up into the world made Tim realize he wanted to be a father. He came home to talk to Lorna and apologize to her for the way he’d treated her. She told him she miscarried the baby. And despite him being devastated when he found out the baby was actually aborted, he was still willing to try to make the marriage work. Lorna, instead, told him she wanted a divorce.

Tom and Izzie’s feelings grew stronger, and they wound up having sex. Lorna, furious about it when she found out, announced to the whole of the staff in the staff room that Tom and Izzie were having an affair. Lorna got angry with Izzie, leading her to slapping her. Feeling betrayed by her best friend, she attempted to commit suicide by jumping into the canal on Canal Street in the Gay Village in Manchester. Beforehand, she wrote Izzie a letter saying that she was fine with her and Tom being together and Lorna let Tom and Izzie believe that she was in Australia. Lorna survived the attempt as two men jumped in to save her.

A few short weeks later, after doing some much needed soul-searching, Lorna came back to work. She appeared to be a completely different woman personality-wise. She also said she was looking for a new relationship. When her place became in need of renovation after a plumbing leak, Lorna was forced to stay at Izzie’s place, where was living as well. She was meant to stay there for two weeks, which Tom grew tired of as he was suspicious of Lorna as he thought she was trying to the newer relationship. Lorna, overhearing her ex-husband and best friend fighting about her, deliberately threw herself down the stairs in an attempt to injure herself so she’d have to stay with them longer. Eventually, Lorna moved on and found her own flat. However, as Izzie, who was pregnant at this point with Tom’s baby, helped Lorna move her belongings in, they had an argument over Lorna’s betrayal and feeling that Izzie was living the life that she wanted for herself, which resulted in Izzie taking a fall and consequentially losing her baby.

Following a brief fling with Andrew Treneman, Waterloo Road’s Deputy Headteacher, Lorna was diagnosed with multiple sclerosis. She initially kept the news to herself, but made the announcement just as Jack Rimmer, the school’s Headmaster, and his girlfriend announced that they were moving in together. Izzie and Tom, who at this point were separated after their devastating loss, each told Lorna they’d support her through her illness. Having a difficult time adjusting to her new reality, as well as doing too much research on what her life could look like as her MS progressed, Lorna decided to end her own life. But before she did, she made it her mission to do what she enjoyed. She got herself a makeover, went to a spa, and abruptly quit her job without notice. She also made it her mission to get Tom and Lorna back together.

Without having the other know, Lorna invited Tom and Izzie to a cottage she’d rented to spend the weekend together. Agitated when they realized Lorna’s plan for them, Tom and Izzie decided to get through the weekend together without drama involved. The three of them ended up having a blast, just like they did in the old days. Lorna then secretly overdosed on her sleeping pills and vodka. Her last words were ‘I love you,’ to her two friends. While they initially didn’t take her words seriously, Izzie realized something was off about Lorna’s behaviour.

Izzie found Lorna in her bedroom with pills and booze around her. She tried to keep Lorna alive, but to no avail. She yelled for Tom to get help, but it was revealed that Lorna planned everything out so that he and Izzie wouldn’t be able to. Before she died, Lorna left a suicide note. The first line read, ‘My dearest Tom and Izzie, don’t be sad. I’ll be in the place that I’ve wanted to be for a long time.’ And the last… ‘Don’t forget me, not ever. You were my friends, my family. You meant everything. I’ll always love you. Your Lorna.’

Ok, so hear me out…

If you ask most fans of Waterloo Road, they’ll tell you that they didn’t like Lorna. In fact, I think they’d say they HATED Lorna. Of the 238 (and counting), episodes of the show, Lorna only appeared in 18 episodes. But boy did she make an impact. 18 years after her last appearance on the show, fans are still talking about her. They often see her as a manipulative and destructive character who caused significant trauma to her husband Tom and his best friend Izzie. However, others find her more understandable due to the betrayals she endured and the abusive circumstances she may have been in, leading to increased sympathy after her eventual, tragic fate. To break it down more thoroughly:

Reasons for disliking Lorna:

• Manipulative Behavior: Fans often cite her manipulation of Tom and Izzie, including causing them trauma and harming them emotionally and physically. 

• Destructive Actions: She is seen as having effectively destroyed the relationship between Tom and Izzie and being responsible for their suffering. 

• Draining Presence: Some fans found her presence in the show to be a negative influence, bringing down the mood of the series. 

Reasons for understanding or sympathizing with Lorna:

• Betrayal: Her husband Tom cheated on her with her best friend Izzie, a significant betrayal that deeply affected her. 

• Abusive Relationship: Evidence suggests Tom Clarkson was a toxic and potentially abusive husband, which may have contributed to Lorna’s actions and mental state. 

• Trauma and Mental Health: Her character was dealing with the trauma of the betrayal and the later diagnosis of multiple sclerosis, leading to her suicide attempts. 

• Increased Sympathy: Upon rewatching or after her character’s death, some viewers developed more sympathy for Lorna, recognizing the difficult circumstances she faced and the complex pressures she was under. 

I vividly remember watching the beginnings of Waterloo Road and thinking to myself, ‘God, this woman is such a c*nt!’ while watching Lorna’s story arc unfold. She was really made into a villain. Like, how could she get in the way of Tom and Izzie’s love when they’re such soulmates? How could she do all the things she’d done and still look for sympathy from others? Has she gotten completely insane? How could she be so selfishly self-absorbed? Why can’t she just move on with her life?

Those were all the questions I kept asking myself while initially watching the show. I even saw her as being selfish for committing suicide with her friends right there. Back then, I was young(er); inexperienced. I was naive even. In my eyes, Lorna even had the look of a villain. Now, however, years later, I’m a completely different person. I’m old(er); wiser; experienced; less naive. In the years since my initial watch, I went through a lot; a heck of a lot. I survived sexual trauma. I survived a car accident. I watched my husband’s health deteriorate as he struggled with an autoimmune disease. I got married. I was misdiagnosed with epilepsy after a seizure that led to me being mistreated for years. I had a child…

Life became… complex, if that’s even the right word, for me in the years since my initial watch of Waterloo Road. That being said, I began to understand Lorna’s arc more and more. I understood her. I empathized with her. I resonated with her. Maybe it’s not right for me to say that I resonated with her. She and I lived completely different lives. She was married to someone who didn’t love her; who didn’t respect her; who didn’t even want to be with her to begin with. She was married to someone who cheated on her. And what was worse was that he cheated on her with her best friend. Her best friend tried to resist, but started a relationship with him nevertheless. She had a baby with him and planned to marry him. That in itself didn’t make anything okay. Then to add to all that, she was diagnosed with an illness that would cripple her, both emotionally and physically, as well as mentally.

Lorna wasn’t alone in her battle with MS. But she was lonely. She didn’t feel like she had anything – or anyone – to live for anymore. It wasn’t just because of her struggle with MS. She wrote that herself in the suicide note she left for Tom and Izzie to read following her death. It was just the final straw that led to her decision. Also in her suicide note, Lorna called herself a coward for her decision. But she wasn’t. People don’t die of suicide by choice. Often times, people who die by suicide experience significant emotional pain and find it difficult, almost impossible in fact, to consider different views or see a way out of their specific situation. Even though the reasons behind suicide are quite complex, suicide in itself is commonly associated with psychiatric illnesses, such as depression, anxiety, bipolar disorder, schizophrenia and substance use. Lorna wasn’t a coward. She wasn’t selfish. Nor was she weak. She tried her best with everything she had, and she felt she had absolutely nothing.