Vanessa Hudgens: What Being With The Wrong Person For Many Years Can Do To A Woman’s Brain – And How The Breakup Can Catapult Her Into A Special Place In Her Life

Back in July, Vanessa Hudgens announced she was expecting her second child with her husband, former professional baseball player Cole Tucker. They first got together in 2020, got married in 2023, and had their child in 2024. But before all that, Hudgens was in a longterm, 9 year relationship with Austin Butler, who starred as Sebastian Kydd in The Carrie Diaries, the subject matter of the previous blog entry where we discussed the (mostly forgotten) very beginnings of Carrie Bradshaw’s writing career. And before that, she was in a longterm, 5 year relationship with Zac Efron, her High School Musical co-star.

Though most fans will likely say that Hudgens got her career beginnings when she starred in the High School Musical movie trilogy, which has since been made into a TV series, that’s just not the case. She actually began her career as a performer as an 8 year old, performing in local musical theater productions. She then began her acting career in the 2003 film, Thirteen. She also embarked on a music career, with two solo albums under her belt, as well as a feature with Shawn Hook on their 2017 single, Remind Me. I wrote about her career a couple of years ago, so you can merely consider this particular blog entry a part 2.

In part 1, I emphasized how Hudgens was a hardworking woman, and yet fans were more invested in her personal life rather than her talent. A lot has happened in those short, and yet long, two years, particularly in her personal life. She’s now a married mother of (almost) 2 under 2; and a working mom at that. Understandably so, her career has slowed down since becoming a mother. But she’s still working nevertheless. Just a few days before announcing her second pregnancy, Hudgens announced that she’ll be starring in the 60’s thriller Quiet Storm, which will also mark Anthony Thorne’s directorial debut. She filmed Bad Boys: Ride or Die while pregnant with her first child. And now we know that she filmed yet another film while not only pregnant, but with a young, infant child roaming around.

It’s crazy to think how life can change so fast for someone. I’ve recently been doing a little digging on Instagram. Many fans have comprehended how Hudgens was with Austin Butler for 9 years and he gave her nothing in return, and yet in just short 5 years, Cole Tucker gave her a promise to stay together forever and two children. And the reason why I’m saying that Austin Butler gave her nothing isn’t because I necessarily believe that marriage means ‘forever’, but because of how he’d publicly referred to their relationship once he became an established, respected actor since their breakup.

At this point in her career, Hudgens had over 80 credits under her belt film, television, and on stage. Back when she was in a relationship with Butler, she was more accomplished than he was. In 2019, just months before they separated, Hudgens revealed in an interview that she was the that had encouraged Butler to audition for the role of Elvis in the 2022 title role, which landed him a BAFTA Award, a Golden Globe Award, as well as nominations for an Academy Award, Critics Choice Award, and two Screen Actors Guild Award. When he recounted how he got the role of a lifetime and spoke of his audition process, he referred to Hudgens as a friend. Of course, this got a lot, and I mean A LOT of backlash.

During an interview with Esquire, Butler spoke of that moment and why he chose to take the route that he did. ‘Oh, yeah, I learned a lesson with that one,’ he said with a laugh. ‘I felt that I was respecting her privacy in a way and not wanting to bring up a ton of things that would cause her to have to talk. I have so much love and care for her. It was in no way trying to erase anything.’ You were together a long time. ‘Long time,’ he agreed, stretching out the o for emphasis. The two dated for most of their twenties; their relationship saw the death of both Butler’s mother and Hudgens’s father. It was real, and those moments, as Butler saw it, belonged only to them. ‘I value my own privacy so much,’ he said. ‘I didn’t want to give up anybody else’s privacy.’ He also told Los Angeles Times’ that it was indeed Hudgens who’d encouraged him to audition, and said that he owed her a lot of believing in him.

The two exes seemingly didn’t end things on good terms. When they reunited at the 2023 Vanity Fair Oscars after party, the entire world held its collective breath. Alas, the former couple didn’t engage. In fact, it appeared they both ignored one another. Hudgens, who was newly engaged to Cole Tucker at the time, was on her phone, and as soon as she saw Butler, with Sharon Stone beside him, she walked past him without any apparent interaction. It was clear that they weren’t going to stop for a chat in the moment captured. Butler was there with his girlfriend at the time, Kaia Gerber. Hudgens was there on red carpet interviewing duties.

Details of their split, to this day, remain mostly unknown, though it was reported that the heavy demands of the Elvis role might’ve been the catalyst for the breakup. No matter the case, it was really not much of a surprise, at least in my view, that Hudgens didn’t want to have anything to do with Butler upon years after their breakup. Absolutely no relationship ends on a good note after spending almost a decade together. When speaking of the breakup in a 2024 appearance on the She Pivots podcast, Hudgens reflected on her heartbreaks and said she gained a lot from her split from Butler. She said, ‘I feel like so much of my character was built from my breakups. My last breakup had really catapulted me into a very, very special place. It pushed me to the right person, which I’m so grateful for. He is just the most supportive, real, understanding human being that I’ve ever met.’

In a 2022 interview with Jay Shetty, who initiated her wedding and was the one behind the couple meeting, Hudgens said, ‘I was in an eight-year-long relationship before him, so after that I was like, ‘OK, we’re getting serious.’ We’re going to make a list of things that I need. Not want, but actually need.’ Straight off the bat, I was very forthright with what it is I want in a relationship. Those things get lost in the shuffle, and then you end up investing time in people that you shouldn’t.’

My husband and I just celebrated our 14th anniversary. Like Hudgens and Butler, we spent most of our 20’s together. We got engaged 3.5 years after meeting; got married exactly 5 years to the day we met; and after going through infertility, had a child after 6 years of marriage. When he and I began to have conversations about our future, he told me that he didn’t want to get married or have children. He was very adamant about his life choices. He said he was traumatized due to his parents’ divorce and didn’t believe a piece of paper says anything about a relationship but cause trouble. He also told me he didn’t want to have children because he didn’t believe he could be a good father as he didn’t have a set example of what a good father was to begin with. The one thing his own father gave him was a roof over his head, but what happened in that home, as well as well after him moving out wasn’t anything peachy. Since the birth of our son, my husband went completely no contact with his father, and that was the best thing for him and for our family.

I was fine with all that. I didn’t want to get married either, and I didn’t really find it important to have children either. My parents are still together, but I’d witnessed them separating twice in my childhood. That was enough for me to swear off marriage completely. As my relationship with my now-husband progressed, I realized that I did, in fact want children. But I didn’t want just anyone’s children. I wanted to have HIS children. While he didn’t think he had it in him to be a good father, I just knew that he did. Now that we have a 2-year-old, I’ve been proven right. My son sees his father as his hero, and my husband can’t imagine his life without him. I know that no matter what happens between my husband and I, he’ll always be there for our son, and I know that he’ll always respect me as the mother of his child(ren).

And why did we get married, you ask? Because in the 3.5 years that we were dating, we went through a traumatizing time. We survived a car accident together; we went through his autoimmune diseases together; as well as my seizure disorder. He also, for the first time in his life, felt a sense of belonging and a sense of family when he met my entire family. He got to see what it was like to actually be loved by a parent unconditionally, without measures. All those things combined changed his perspectives on marriage. It wasn’t that he wanted to get married generally speaking, but that he wanted to marry me.

That said, if my husband were to tell me that he absolutely didn’t want marriage and children and instead live together as (childless) common-law spouses, it wouldn’t be enough for me to end the relationship. While most people would label my choice as settling, I’d call it being loved by the man that I love and treats me with the utmost respect while also being okay with never getting married or having children because my relationship with him means more to me that all those things. You see, my past experiences taught me what it was like to be in relationships that were filled with turmoil and abuse. My husband was the first the first person ever in my life to show me what it was like to be loved – really loved – by another person. I wouldn’t be willing to sacrifice losing that love just because he COMPLETELY swore off a piece of paper that would legally acknowledge our relationship and having children. In fact, after one failed IVF cycle that almost destroyed my health, I completely swore off having children. It just happened on its own. When I sat my husband down for that conversation, he was disappointed, of course, but he wasn’t going to end our marriage because of it.

Miley Cyrus recently spoke of her mother’s bad relationship advice to her, which led her to being in a relationship with the wrong person – Liam Hemsworth for 10 years. On the latest cover of The Cut, the singer said, ‘Mom’s always wanted me to stay with the wrong guy ’cause they’re hot.’ Tish Cyrus, Miley’s mom, explained, ‘Well, that was great advice because after so many years, you’re kind of over it and you’re like… in a relationship. At least you get to look at somebody that’s frigging hot!’ To which Miley responded, ‘No, I ended up with a person [Maxx Morando, whom she’s been in a relationship with since 2021] who means a lot to me and treats me really well and respects me. I had to learn that the hard way, because my mommy taught me the wrong way and then I had to learn the right way by myself. I had to find someone who treats me with respect and then Mom never really put that on the top three of her must-haves. Mom was like, ‘They need to be tall.’ My man’s hot as hell too. But my man also respects me.’

A man (or woman) having good looks is great. But having a man (or woman) by your side who treats you well and makes you feel beautiful even on your uglier of days is sexier than ever. That’s exactly why I would’ve been ready to give up ever getting married and having kids; because all my husband has given me in the 14 years that we’ve been together is love and respect, and in my ugliest of days he made me believe I was more beautiful than ever. That was more than enough for me.

Judging by Vanessa Hudgens’ relationship timeline with Cole Tucker, it seems that she always knew she wanted to get married and have children, and she’d previously invested 9 whole years to someone who wouldn’t give her that. I can’t even say that it was Butler’s age during the time that he was in a relationship with Hudgens that stopped him from giving her what she wanted; what she needed. Tucker is 8 years younger than Hudgens. He’s not even 30 years old yet and he’d given Hudgens everything she wanted in 5 years; something Butler couldn’t give her in almost a decade. In a nutshell, just like Hudgens said herself, her breakup with Butler was the best thing that ever happened to her.

As a woman, Investing your time in the wrong person means dedicating significant resources to a relationship with someone who is unsupportive, unkind, or doesn’t value your efforts, leading to disappointment. To change this pattern, women should prioritize their own well-being, understand their own worth, and set boundaries to avoid nurturing relationships that aren’t genuine or reciprocal. Shifting focus to oneself and cultivating self-love helps in recognizing and attracting a partner who truly values and respects you. To break things down more thoroughly:

Why it happens

• Unresolved relational patterns: Sometimes, unconscious patterns from childhood can lead to an attraction to the “wrong” kind of person, according to Psychology Today. 

• Emotional dependency: A woman might feel more invested due to financial dependency or a societal expectation for more emotional labor in a relationship. 

• Loneliness or self-esteem issues: Feelings of loneliness can make someone more likely to get involved with someone who isn’t a good fit for them. 

Now there’s the scenario of being in a relationship with the wrong person for 10 years. The long-term consequences of choosing the wrong partner can be profound. Years spent in an unhappy or toxic relationship can lead to deep emotional scars, affecting your ability to trust and form healthy relationships in the future – Hudgens’ case should be an example that it IS possible to find happiness; that it is, in fact, possible to find the “right” person who will be willing to give you what you need. Of course, it’s not easy, and I’m not implying that it is. Being in a decade-long relationship with the “wrong” person can have profound emotional, mental, and even physical consequences, including emotional scars, anxiety, depression, and diminished self-worth. Staying in such a situation often involves complex factors like fear of the unknown, making commitments out of fear rather than clarity, unresolved issues from childhood, or a learned pattern of accepting less. While difficult, leaving a toxic or unhealthy relationship can be a pathway to personal growth, self-discovery, and the courage to find a more suitable partner in the future. To break things down more thoroughly:

Why it’s hard to leave

• Fear of the Unknown: The comfort of a familiar, even if unhealthy, situation can be more appealing than the uncertainty of starting over. 

• Emotional Investment: A decade is a long time, and a deep emotional connection, even with the wrong person, can be difficult to sever.

• Unresolved Childhood Dynamics: Past relational patterns or wounds can lead to an attraction to incompatible partners, making it difficult to recognize red flags. 

• Lost Sense of Self: A toxic relationship can erode a person’s self-esteem and ability to trust their own judgment, making them question if they deserve better, says 247 Live Culture. 

• Children and Logistics: For many, the presence of children or other practical considerations can make leaving feel like an insurmountable hurdle. 

Consequences of a decade in the wrong relationship

• Mental Health Impact: This can include increased anxiety, depression, and even symptoms of Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder (PTSD). 

• Emotional Scars and Trust Issues: Years of unhappiness and toxicity can leave lasting emotional wounds, affecting the ability to form healthy relationships later on. 

• Missed Opportunities: Being unavailable in the wrong relationship can mean missing out on meeting the right person and experiencing genuine connection. 

• Physiological Strain: Studies suggest that prolonged exposure to low-quality, abusive relationships can even accelerate the aging process. 

Moving Forward

• Gain Clarity: Reflect on what you truly want and need from a relationship, rather than making decisions based on fear or chemistry alone. 

• Seek Support: Lean on trusted friends, family, or a therapist to gain perspective and emotional support during this difficult transition. 

• Prioritize Self-Care: Engage in activities that rebuild your self-worth and emotional well-being, according to Charlie Health. 

• Learn from the Past: View the experience as a valuable, albeit painful, lesson that teaches you what love isn’t, so you can recognize it when it comes. 

Perhaps the hardest thing a woman can do in her life is choosing the “right” life-partner partner. While for Hudgens choosing the “right” life-partner for herself meant that she’d have a partner who’d give her marriage and kids, marriage and kids isn’t exactly a make-it-or-break-it when it comes to choosing the right life-partner. Take Miley Cyrus as an example. She’s been very clear about her choice to never have children. But this didn’t mean that she couldn’t possibly still be with the wrong person for years of her life just like Hudgens was. On the flip side, you could get married and have children with the wrong person; just like Tish Cyrus did. She married Billy Ray Cyrus, had 5 children with him, and nevertheless, he was still the wrong person for her. Now, like Miley herself said to her, she’s married to the right person; someone who’s ‘hot’ AND respects her. And it doesn’t matter that that “right” love came to her in her 50’s. Love can come at any age; even for women.

I know we talk about women choosing life-partners for themselves, and that’s never to diminish the fact that men can choose the wrong life-partners for themselves, because they do. In my father-in-law’s eyes, I was the wrong choice as a partner for my husband; and he simply based that assumption of his upon my cerebral palsy. He didn’t even get to know my life with cerebral palsy. He just made his assumptions based on a book written by a doctor who provably retired in 1975. He did everything he could to get my husband to break up with me and have him get together with the version of a woman that he’d approve of instead. He even set him on a date with one after my husband had already proposed. The girl he set my husband up with was a snobby blonde that my husband would NEVER set eyes on in the real world. Funny enough, my father-in-law did what he did in a very sneaky, malicious and manipulative way by saying their meeting was for work purposes, but no one can fool me. NO ONE. In a nutshell, he was trying to control my husband’s narrative; much like Tish Cyrus did with Miley. But in a worse way. He aimed to control the narrative in his relationship with me; and his life as a whole.

That said, I’m the luckiest person alive to have a man by my side who never listens to any noise surrounding him, and instead does what he wants. I personally know someone who broke up with a woman after his parents told him she wasn’t good enough for him because she was 10 years older than him. This guy probably lost the one woman who could’ve given him what he needed in his life, and he threw it away because he didn’t have the balls to stick up for her. My husband, on the other hand, always knew exactly what he wanted in a partner, and I gave him all that. Years later, I still do. I make him feel seen. I make him feel loved. I make him feel a sense of belonging. I make him feel supported. I make him feel alive. I make him feel like he could accomplish anything. Those are things he never got at home. I’ve always been the “right” person for him, and he was never going to give that up; especially for the opinions of me of others. It’s HIS life, and no one knows what’s right for him except him, and him alone.

It’s honestly just all hilarious to me. My husband is very adamant, from the moment I met him, he’s been adamant that my father-in-law makes the “wrong” partner for any woman he’s ever been with and will ever be with. Being able to financially provide to the point that the other person doesn’t have to work doesn’t make anyone the “right” partner. Me being a “cripple” doesn’t make me the “wrong” partner. I don’t have to prove it to anyone except for my husband. And I have. I’ve done just that for the past 14 years; and I’ll continue to do that for the rest of our days as a couple..

More than ever, I believe that you and only you will know whether or not you’re in a partnership with the right person. And again, it’s not just about someone giving you a checkmark on your list of things you want to accomplish; like having kids. It’s more than just finding a woman who’s just being a good housewife. You know you’re with the right person when you feel safe, respected, and able to be your authentic self, experiencing emotional security, mutual support, and a sense of peace rather than drama. Key indicators include shared core values and goals, healthy communication, the ability to work through disagreements constructively, and a partner who champions your dreams and makes you feel like a priority. True love and compatibility are built over time through shared experiences, not just instant chemistry. To break things down more thoroughly:

Emotional & Psychological Signs

• Safety and security:You feel emotionally and physically safe, never nervous or intimidated by your partner. 

• Authenticity:You can be your true, imperfect self without fear of judgment. 

• Emotional peace: The relationship brings a sense of calm and stability, rather than constant stress or drama. 

• Feeling like a priority:Your partner shows they care about you, listen to you, and support you through challenges. 

Behavioral & Relational Signs

• Mutual respect: You and your partner respect each other’s boundaries, values, and needs. 

• Healthy communication: You can openly and honestly express your thoughts and feelings, even when you disagree. 

• Constructive conflict resolution: You are able to have healthy discussions and work through disagreements as a team. 

• Shared values and goals: You have alignment on core beliefs, life goals, and major values, fostering a strong foundation. 

• Growth and support: You inspire each other to pursue your dreams and grow as individuals. 

Signs of Lasting Love

• Friendship: A strong foundation of genuine friendship underlies the romantic connection. 

• Consistency and time:Real love is built and proven over time through shared experiences and consistently choosing each other. 

• Positive impact: The relationship enhances your life, bringing out your best qualities and making you feel good about yourself. 

• Acceptance: Your partner sees your flaws and insecurities, accepting you for who you are. 

I think Vanessa Hudgens got it right. Finding happiness after heartache IS possible. I truly believe that if it hadn’t been for my past trauma that I’d endured, I would’ve never ended up with someone like my husband because if I hadn’t, I wouldn’t be able to appreciate all that he’s given me throughout the years – love, kindness, affection, patience, and so much more. In a cosmic twist of fate, I’m almost glad and thankful for my past. It led me to the right person; the right person to spend the rest of my life with.