Phoebe Buffay: The Real Significance Of Her Surrogacy Storyline – And How She Redefined The Meaning Of Family

Glee, the subject matter of the previous post, with Quinn Fabray’s character arc following her teen pregnancy as our protagonist, wasn’t the only show that touched on surrogacy, and it wasn’t even the first show to do it. Before that, there was Friends, the little show about six friends living in New York City navigating their lives in their 20’s and 30’s. As a fun fact, the character of Rachel Berry, played by Lea Michele, who was conceived through surrogacy and became a surrogate herself for her two gay best friends years later, was named after Rachel Green, the character that was so popularized by Jennifer Aniston.

But we’re not here to talk about Rachel. Instead, we’re here to talk about Phoebe Buffay, played by Lisa Kudrow. She was an important character; one that I’d say is mostly overlooked. Her unique blend of eccentric humor, bohemian spirit, and unwavering optimism provided a crucial emotional anchor and comedic counterpoint to the group, while her backstory of hardship offered a perspective on resilience and inner strength. She drove key plot developments, such as discovering Rachel’s pregnancy and delaying her flight to Paris, and her evolution from an unconventional outsider to a more mature, voice-of-reason figure was central to the show’s overall narrative and themes of friendship and self-discovery. To break it down more thoroughly:

A Unique and Relatable Personality

• Embraced Eccentricity: Phoebe’s quirky wit, bohemian lifestyle, and unconventional views—like her belief in spirits and vegetarianism—made her a standout character and provided a source of humor and wonder. 

• Optimism and Compassion: Despite a difficult past, Phoebe remained a positive and compassionate person, always seeing the good in people and situations, which served as an inspiration and a gentle reminder of humanity’s better nature. 

• Embracing Uniqueness: Her self-confidence and pride in being “the weird one” made her a relatable figure and a powerful example of how to embrace one’s own unique qualities. 

Driving Key Plotlines 

• Integral to Group Dynamics: Phoebe played a vital role in the storylines of other characters, such as when she accompanied Chandler on his ring hunt and provided crucial support to Monica and Chandler during their wedding preparations. 

• Catalyst for Major Events:Her quick thinking helped delay Rachel’s flight to Paris, giving Ross time to confess his love, a pivotal moment for their relationship and the show’s finale. 

• Discovering Rachel’s Pregnancy: Phoebe was the first to realize Rachel was pregnant, a significant plot point that brought the friends together in a shared experience. 

A Character of Depth and Evolution

• Resilience in the Face of Hardship: Phoebe’s past on the streets and her difficult upbringing gave her a unique perspective on life, making her strength and ability to find happiness all the more impactful. 

• Emotional Maturity:Over the series, Phoebe evolved from an eccentric to a more mature and grounded individual, often serving as a voice of reason and a stable presence within the group. 

• Thematic Significance: Her journey, which included surrogacy for her brother, symbolized themes of love, family, and the transformative power of friendship within the show’s narrative. 

Growing up, I used to watch Friends religiously. It was the show that taught me English when I was a new immigrant. I watched all 236 episodes at least 5 times, and I know the storylines by heart. I specifically remember Chandler, played by the late Matthew Perry, being my favourite character. And it seemed like he was Phoebe’s too. She even named one of her children in his honour.

Ok, let me explain. It wasn’t actually her baby that she named after Chandler. It was one of one of her half-brother’s triplets that she named after Chandler. She was a surrogate because his wife couldn’t get pregnant herself; mostly due to her age. The storyline had actually unfolded due to Lisa Kudrow’s real-life pregnancy with her son Julian. Nevertheless, the story of Phoebe’s good deed just showed just how devoted she truly was to the people she loved and cared about. She was good even to those who weren’t good to her.

The storyline of Phone’s pregnancy was created so that Kudrow could continue filming the show without having the need for special tricks to hide her growing baby bump, resulting in a more authentic and believable portrayal of pregnancy on screen. Phoebe’s storyline was a creative solution that allowed Kudrow to continue filming while also providing a unique and emotional storyline for her character. It led to one of the most heartfelt and memorable storylines in the series, showcasing themes of family, love, and selflessness. 

Throughout the 10 seasons of Friends, it seemed as though Phoebe was the most misunderstood character of the six. If I’m completely honest, I was never quite sure why she was friends with the rest of the five to begin with, as well as why they were friends with her. Most of the time, it seemed like they were mocking her; like they saw her as weird and anything she said was downright ridiculous. At the same time, though, she was such a good person that it was hard not to be drawn to her.

Phoebe was the strange one of the group, and she was loud and proud about it. She didn’t care what anyone thought of her. She never conformed to anyone’s expectations and lives life on her own terms, taking pride in her uniqueness. Her past involved homelessness and a unique upbringing, which significantly shaped her personality and worldview. She inherited a childlike innocence and often viewed the world in a simplified way. She had a tough background, and yet always maintained a positive outlook and a deep love for her friends, whom she considered family. 

That’s exactly what she lacked in her life – a sense of family; a sense of belonging. Her friends gave her that sense of belonging. No matter how weird or quirky she seemed, her friends always knew she’d be there for them. When she finally found her half-brother after years of estrangement that was out of their control, she was so happy to be able to help him any way she could when she got the chance; so much so that when she did get the chance, she jumped at the shot – with no hesitation. Just like Shelby in the previous post, who gave birth to Rachel through surrogacy to her two gay dads, and Rachel herself thereafter being pregnant with her two gay friends’ baby through surrogacy, Phoebe would’ve never been eligible to be a surrogate as she’d never given birth beforehand. But we’ll let that one slide. The storyline was too good for it to be judged. In fact it was groundbreaking. Why?

• Embracing Pregnancy, Not Hiding It: The decision not to hide Kudrow’s pregnancy was a refreshing and forward-thinking approach for television at the time, as creators didn’t like the idea of actors being pregnant while the show pretended they weren’t. 

• Exploring Surrogacy: The storyline brought the concept of surrogacy and in-vitro fertilization (IVF) into mainstream television, making it a topic of discussion for a wide audience. 

• Heartfelt and Memorable: The plot offered a new and unique way to explore motherhood, family, and the complex emotions surrounding it, resulting in one of the series’ most memorable and emotional arcs. 

• Fitting the Character: The decision to have Phoebe carry triplets for her brother was seen as a perfect and funny fit for her eccentric and kind-hearted personality.

Over the past two decades, the demand in surrogacy has risen. We see more and more cases of babies being born through the non-traditional methods, driven by increased infertility, delayed childbearing, and same-sex couples seeking to have children. The first documented surrogate pregnancy was recorded in 1976. Infertility is a tale as old as time. But only in recent years, it’s become a more openly discussed tale of a new life that comes to the world. Between 1976 and 1988, approximately 600 babies were born via surrogacy in the United States. Between 1988 and 1992, that number rose significantly, to over 5,000 births. The amount of babies born from surrogates in the United States has continued to rise throughout the last two decades, with thousands of babies born every year.  It’s estimated that in Canada, roughly 400-500 babies are born via surrogacy annually.

Only in recent years did fertility, particularly the subject of surrogacy become a more talked about issue. Many individuals and couples struggling with infertility, and by extension surrogacy, felt shame and a sense of being “other,” making them reluctant to talk about it. But as surrogacy became more common and more stories were shared, the level of taboo decreased, and the process became more understandable. In more recent years, it’s become less of a taboo topic, and more and more than women are opening up about using surrogacy to conceive. Female celebrities like Kim Kardashian, Khloe Kardashian, Adrienne Bailon, Sarah Jessica Parker, Tyra Banks, Elizabeth Banks, Jordana Brewster, Nicole Kidman, Jamie Chung, Ellen Pompeo, Priyanka Chopra and Michelle Williams (the actress) have all used surrogacy as a conception method.

More recently, Lilly Collins, daughter of legendary singer Phil Collins and an actress in her own right, welcomed her daughter via surrogacy in February 2025. The news of Collins’ daughter’s arrival was met with much criticism and scrutiny for having a child via surrogacy; and this is just the lighthearted way of putting it. She never actually revealed the reason for that decision, though she previously revealed in her 2017 memoir, Unfiltered: No Shame, No Regrets, Just Me, that she’d suffered from an eating disorder in the past, which COULD affect fertility.

Whether it’s infertility, to save a career or pure altruism, is there ever a reason that can morally justify surrogacy? Somehow, people on the internet felt that she Collins needed to justify her reason for using a surrogate, because if it was for infertility reasons, it was okay; but if it was for career reasons, then…WTF? Following the backlash that Collins had faced online, Charlie McDowell, her husband, had a message for the public that read, ‘It’s OK to not know why someone might need a surrogate to have a child. It’s OK to not know the motivations of a surrogate regardless of what you assume.’ No matter the case, whether she decided to use a surrogate for health reasons, infertility, or career, it was none of anyone’s business. The public, however, thought otherwise. This viewpoint of using science as a method of conception felt like society had gone back in time.

The number of babies born via surrogacy in the United States grew significantly in the early 1990s, indicating a broader acceptance and expansion of the practice. But despite the expansion, surrogacy remained a contentious issue, with ongoing ethical, moral, and religious discussions and differing views on its societal role. No matter how a person decides to become a parent, they have the right to do so. No matter the reason one decides to use science as a method for conception, they have the right to do so. Anyone who wants to be a parent should be able to be a parent, fertile or infertile, gay or straight, celebrity or citizen.

All three women on Friends went through unconventional ways of becoming mothers. While Phoebe was a surrogate, Rachel was a single mother when her daughter, Emma, was born following a one-night stand with Ross, and Monica became a mother to twins through adoption. In real-life, Courtney Cox, who’s a mother to daughter Coco, born in 2004, suffered 8 miscarriages between 2001 and 2010, and Jennifer Aniston tried to conceive through IVF in her 30’s and 40’s, but she didn’t end up ever having a child.

Cox actually suffered a miscarriage just a day before she had to film the episode where Rachel gave birth to Emma, and in the same episode, her character, Monica, yearned to have a baby of her own while seeing pregnant women all around the hospital. She herself went through two rounds of IVF to conceive Coco, whose godmother is Aniston. Of that time in her life, particularly of having to film the episode where Rachel gave birth, Cox told NBC in 2004, ‘That was hard. Sometimes, like I remember one time I just had a miscarriage and Rachel was giving birth. It was like that same time. Oh my God, it was terrible having to be funny. Well it was really weird because everyone in my family has kids. I mean, they pop out like it’s nobody’s business. No one in my family has a problem. So to me, I just thought this would not be a problem at all. I get pregnant pretty easily, but I have a hard time keeping them. So now I decided to do in vitro and I did that twice. And then, give myself shots of heparin everyday – that’s a blood thinner. Take a baby aspirin.’

Everything I ever learned about alternative scientific methods to conception in my younger years, I learned through Friends. More particularly, I learned through Phoebe. In hindsight, Princess Consuela Banana Hammock was the one that prepared me for what I’d have to face far in the future. My first thought about IVF was how expensive it is. Frank and Alice paid $16,000 for their one and only chance at a baby. Who has that kind of money lying around? To add to it, IVF isn’t a guarantee; it’s a chance. With the five embryos that were to be transferred into Phoebe, Frank and Alice had a 25% chance of success. Not to be a pessimist, and for emphasis, to state the obvious, that’s a 75% chance of failure. As Alice would later tell Phoebe, they had literally put all their eggs in her basket. And nevertheless, Phoebe ended up getting pregnant on the first try. It was a happy ending for all three of them.

But while Phoebe may have found her happy ending on the first try and in one episode, others have to make it to the end of a mini-series, a saga, a trilogy, or sometimes not even at all. Friends did cover the costs of IVF, but not everything else that comes with it; the emotional turmoil, the physical pain, the change of lifestyle and the loneliness. I didn’t see Joey, Ross, Chandler, Rachel, or Monica abandon Phoebe when she needed them the most. I missed the part where Phoebe cried into her Central Perk coffee every time a pregnant woman walked by. Phoebe gave me the stats of IVF, but she didn’t give me the feelings.

Never in a million years did I think I’d ever be in Phoebe’s shoes. But years later, I was. Here I was, in my adult years, like Alice, going through infertility myself. And here I was, like Phoebe, going through IVF. Those 5 years of infertility seemed like the longest 5 years of my entire life. After one single failed IVF cycle, I was ready to give up. I didn’t know if my health could handle it. I decided to take a break from it all. As fate would have it m, I got pregnant naturally just as soon as my body went back to normal.

Even though I never went through surrogacy, I got a glimpse of the hardships a woman can face at the hands of another woman carrying her child. A friend of mine had planned to use a surrogate to convince a child. They had everything set up. They made embryos with her husband’s sperm and the surrogate’s egg. They all became friends; I’d say even family. Everything changed, however, once the embryo transfer was completed. The surrogate disappeared. She was never heard from again. It was safe to say that she wanted the baby for herself and her husband, who was a transgender man. Luckily, the fertility clinic was eventually able to get ahold of the surrogate to find out that she DIDN’T get pregnant. My friend was then able to conceive naturally, and she now has a healthy daughter.

It’s stories like Phoebe’s that are so important to tell in media today. While it doesn’t show the full extent of the picture of what exactly happens during an infertility struggle, it does show the beauty in it. It does show that there’s light at the end of the tunnel; that miracles are possible. There were three people that were getting their happy in Phoebe’s surrogacy journey. Perhaps the most heartbreaking scene of the entire series was where Phoebe was saying goodbye to the triplets. But on the flip side, she was able to help someone she truly cared about. She was able to gift her brother the miracle of life…times three!

By the end of the series’ run, it’s unclear whether or not Phoebe ever had children of her own. It was, however, clear that she wanted to have children of her own one day. She also found someone who (finally), aside from her 5 friends, accepted her just as she was – in Mike. They met when Joey arranged a blind date for Phoebe with a man named Mike. However, he hadn’t actually met Mike and simply called out “Mike!” in Central Perk to find someone to set Phoebe up with. Phoebe had a fear of abandonment because of her past with her family. She was used to being left behind, and once she had a love who everyone thought she might end up with, he moved and ultimately left her behind too. Mike was the opposite of this. He was there for Phoebe, being a stable part of her life. He gave her the stability and a sense of peace that she was looking for her entire life.

In all her glory, weirdness and quirkiness, Phoebe redefined the meaning of family. She showed the entire world that family isn’t blood; that family isn’t made, but chosen. She’s honest, fearless, strong, intelligent, kind, and caring woman. She’s just a f*cking bada** woman. She always put others’ needs before her own. In season 10, when she and Mike kept changing their minds about donating their wedding money to charity, she said, “A person’s wedding is important! And especially to me, okay? I didn’t have a graduation party, and I didn’t go to prom. And I spent my ‘Sweet 16’ being chased around a tire yard by an escaped mental patient who, in his own words, wanted to ‘kill me’ or whatever. So I deserve a real celebration and I am not going to let some sweaty little man make me feel bad about it.”

The world could do with a lot more Phoebe Buffays.