Esther Rokolov: The Betrayal That Comes With Your Husband Emotionally Cheating On You – And How It Can Lead To Your Own Self-Discovery Journey

Cheating – The act of being dishonest or unfair towards someone in order to gain an advantage, especially in a game or examination. In a romantic relationship between two people in love, cheating means violating a committed relationship’s exclusivity through emotional or sexual intimacy with another person without your partner’s consent. This act is a breach of trust and can include physical affairs, emotional affairs, or cyber cheating, and its definition depends on the boundaries agreed upon by the couple. To break it down more thoroughly:

Types of cheating 

• Physical infidelity: Having sexual relations or physical intimacy with someone outside the relationship. 

• Emotional infidelity: Forming a deep emotional connection with someone else, which can include sharing secrets or feelings that should be reserved for your partner. 

• Cyber infidelity: Engaging in flirtatious or intimate online interactions with someone else outside the relationship. 

Key aspects of cheating 

• Breach of trust: Cheating is fundamentally an act of betrayal that breaks the trust in a relationship. 

• Violation of exclusivity: In a monogamous relationship, cheating is a violation of the agreement to be exclusively with one partner. 

• Secrecy: Cheating often involves secrecy and deception, with the person hiding their actions from their partner. 

• Varying definitions: What constitutes cheating can vary between couples. Some relationships may have different boundaries around things like emotional connections or online interactions, so it’s important to have open communication about what is and isn’t acceptable. 

Men and women think of cheating differently. When men think of cheating, they only think of it as having sex with someone else. They don’t view emotional cheating as cheating. Women, on the other hand, view emotional cheating as worse than having sex with someone else. Emotional cheating is the act of forming a deep emotional connection with someone outside of a committed relationship, which can be just as damaging as physical infidelity, even without sexual contact. It involves developing an intense emotional bond, sharing personal secrets, and seeking emotional validation from someone other than your partner, often accompanied by secrecy and deception. Key signs include emotional withdrawal from your partner, increased secrecy with your phone, comparing your partner to the other person, and feeling a sense of betrayal or jealousy. In a nutshell, emotional cheating involves the following:

• Building a deep emotional bond: This can start as a friendship and escalate into a close, intimate connection where you share personal thoughts, feelings, and secrets. 

• Non-sexual but damaging: Unlike physical infidelity, it does not involve sexual or physical contact. However, the emotional betrayal can be just as hurtful and may lead to feelings of neglect and mistrust. 

• Secrecy and deception: A core element is hiding the nature of the relationship from your partner, which is a breach of trust. 

Signs of emotional cheating 

• Increased secrecy: You hide conversations, phone calls, or social media interactions with the other person. 

• Emotional distance from partner: You become more withdrawn, irritable, or less engaged with your partner. 

• Prioritizing the other person: You seek emotional support or validation from the other person instead of your partner. 

• Negative comparisons: You find yourself comparing your partner to the other person, either consciously or unconsciously. 

• Defensiveness: You become defensive when the other person is brought up in conversation with your partner. 

• Constant thoughts: You find yourself thinking about the other person frequently and replaying conversations in your head. 

Why it happens 

• Feeling overlooked: A common reason is a feeling of being unappreciated or emotionally neglected in the primary relationship. 

• Need for connection: It can stem from a desire for a deeper emotional connection or a sense of being understood in a way that feels missing in the primary relationship. 

When cheating comes to mind, I immediately think of the whole Jennifer Aniston – Brad Pitt – Angelina Jolie saga back in the 2000’s. It was the biggest celebrity news back then. Aniston and Pitt were married between 2000 and 2005. After starring together in 2004’s Mr. & Mrs. Smith, Pitt and Jolie began a romantic relationship, and by 2006, they had their first (biological) daughter. After 12 years together, 6 kids, and 2 years of marriage, the couple separated in 2016. The divorce was anything but amicable.

Much like Rory from Gilmore Girls, Jolie was labeled as a home wrecker, and it was just in her (emotional) affair with Brad Pitt, but with Billy Bob Thornton too. He famously left Laura Dern to be with Jolie. I truly believe that not enough blame is put on the men in these types of situations, and it’s always the ‘other woman’ that’s villainized. There’s much to be said about this. Luke I said in the previous post, Rory wasn’t fully to blame for her and Dean’s affair and Dean’s infidelity, that’s for numerous reasons, including Dean’s manipulation, his greater responsibility as the married party, and Rory’s relative immaturity. While Rory ultimately made the choice to sleep with him, context suggests Dean bears more responsibility for the situation. To break it down more thoroughly:

Dean’s manipulative and deceptive behavior 

• He lied about his marriage being over.When Rory hesitates before sleeping with Dean, she asks about his wife, Lindsey. He explicitly lies, claiming the marriage was over and that Lindsey knew it was. Rory’s belief that his marriage was finished significantly diminishes her culpability for the initial act.
• He disregarded Lindsey’s boundaries.Dean actively and repeatedly pursues a relationship with Rory despite Lindsey expressing that she is uncomfortable with it. Dean does not respect his wife’s wishes and continues to communicate and flirt with Rory.
• He manipulated Rory’s vulnerability.Coming off a difficult breakup with Jess and struggling at Yale, Rory was emotionally vulnerable when she reconnected with Dean. Dean took advantage of her vulnerability and her nostalgia for their past relationship. 

Dean’s greater marital responsibility

• He broke his marital vows. The central betrayal was not Rory’s but Dean’s, as he was the one who had made a vow of fidelity to Lindsey. Rory was single at the time and had no such commitment.

• He was a weak and cowardly partner. Many viewers argue that Dean used the affair with Rory as a passive-aggressive way to end his unhappy marriage. Rather than being honest with Lindsey, he allowed the affair to be the catalyst for the breakup.

• He was still in love with Rory when he married Lindsey. From the beginning, Dean’s marriage was built on a lie. He rushed into the relationship with Lindsey as a rebound, and it’s clear to observers like Luke that he never fully moved on from Rory. 

Rory’s immaturity and naivety

• She was young. Rory was only 19 years old at the time of the affair. While not an excuse, her relative inexperience makes her more susceptible to manipulation, especially from her first love.

• She acted from a place of insecurity. Having recently gone through a tumultuous and unhappy relationship with Jess, Rory was not in the most emotionally secure place when she reconnected with Dean. The affair allowed her to recapture the idealized romance of her past.

• She trusted Dean’s account. Because Rory and Dean had such a long history, Rory was more inclined to believe him when he claimed his marriage was over. Her trust was a naive mistake, not a malicious choice. 

The aftermath

While Dean is more to blame for initiating the affair, Rory’s behavior afterward is more difficult to defend. When confronted by her mother, Lorelai, Rory rationalizes her actions rather than taking full accountability. She later tells Dean, “I’m not sorry that it happened,” which suggests a lack of remorse for the impact on Lindsey. Her poor handling of the situation afterward tarnishes her image as the “good girl” but does not erase the deceptive actions that Dean took to initiate the affair in the first place. 

As I was doing research for on the entire Rory – Dean – Lindsay saga that happened in seasons 4 and 5 of Gilmore Girls, I couldn’t help but be reminded of the Netflix hit Nobody Wants This, starring Kristen Bell and Adam Brody, who ironically also starred on Gilmore Girls in season 3 as Dave Rygalski, Lane’s boyfriend and bandmate. They broke up after Dave left for college and they couldn’t make their long-distance relationship work. By fans, Dave was labeled as the best boyfriend in the entire series. Last year, when they promoted their Netflix series, Bell asked Brody whether his character deserved that title, to which he said, ‘No, he wasn’t around that long. We don’t know how he would have been in the long term. He could have been love bombing her.’

And that’s very true, especially Brody only appeared in a total of 9 episodes. Then again, it’s a heartbreaking thing to even consider. Dave did, after all, learn the entire freaking bible in one night just to impress Mrs. Kim, Lane’s mom, so that she’d allow him to take Lane to the prom. Lane ended up marrying Zack, another bandmate of hers, and having twins with him. I was personally disappointed by Lane’s ending and how her life turned out. In my mind, Dave should’ve been her endgame.

What I wasn’t disappointed in was Nobody Wants This. My husband and I are big fans of Kristen Bell’s work. We watched The Good Place TWICE. Bell stars as Joanne in Nobody Wants This, a content creator and popular podcaster who starts dating a rabbi, Noah, played by Brody. Yet again, Brody was labeled as ‘the perfect boyfriend’, and he was; in season 1, at least. By season 2 episode 4, we found out that Noah, in actuality, wasn’t perfect after all, and he, too, made mistakes in his past dating experiences. After having much doubt, as well as having a shitty Valentine’s Day with him, Joanne told him that he wasn’t perfect, and that it was okay. In her own words, no one is ever perfect…just her.

Their entire storyline in season 2 revolved around whether or not Joanne would convert to Judaism. Many fans would agree that the show lost its spark that was initially there in season 1. Joanne and Noah’s story felt repetitive; only more boring than we remember. There were funny and heartwarming moments between them still, but so few that I could count them on one hand. Joanne’s sister, Morgan, got engaged to her therapist this season. The entire storyline was so cringe that I honestly felt like fast-forwarding every time she and her fiancé, Dr. Andy would show up on my screen.

Perhaps the one saving grace that didn’t make me completely turn my TV off while watching Nobody Wants This was the everything that was happening between Esther and Sasha, who are Noah’s sister-in-law and brother. The long-lasting married couple were introduced as domesticated. They were comfortable in what they had. What they had was, in a way, what Bina, Sasha and Noah’s overbearing mother, wanted for Noah.

Having a partner by your side who loves you so deeply is absolutely the greatest feeling in the world. But marriage is hard work. There could be times where things get very, very ugly. In my life, my parents are the greatest example of a marriage lasting. But even they’ve had their shares of ups and downs. The greatest lesson I learned from witnessing my parents’ marriage is that laziness isn’t an option. Longevity in marriage is achieved through a combination of commitment, communication, compromise, and a strong sense of partnership. Key elements include maintaining emotional intimacy, sharing core values and goals, and making time for each other. Acknowledging and respecting each other’s independence, practicing forgiveness, and building mutual trust are also fundamental for long-term success.  To break things down more thoroughly:

Foundational principles

• Commitment: A dedicated mindset and a conscious choice to work through challenges together is a cornerstone of a long-lasting marriage.

• Communication: Openly and honestly discussing needs, concerns, and feelings creates a strong foundation of understanding and connection.

• Respect and Trust: Treating each other with respect, valuing opinions even when you disagree, and building trust over time allows for greater openness and honesty.

• Compromise: The willingness to compromise is essential for settling disagreements and adapting to each other’s needs.

• Partnership: Treating the relationship like a team effort, with mutual support and appreciation, is vital. 

Practices for long-term success

• Prioritize Quality Time: Regularly dedicate time for fun and connection, such as through date nights, shared hobbies, or regular trips.

• Nurture Emotional Intimacy: Focus on vulnerability, trust, and a deep emotional connection that can withstand the test of time.

• Align on Values and Goals: Having shared goals and a similar value system provides a sense of purpose and makes it easier to navigate life’s challenges together.

• Adapt and Grow Together: Be willing to embrace change and support each other’s personal development and growth over the years.

• Express Gratitude: Continuously show appreciation for each other to ensure that both partners feel valued.

• Develop Conflict Resolution Skills: Find ways to resolve disagreements constructively, such as through active listening or specific techniques like the 5-5-5 method mentioned in one NBC News article.

• Seek Professional Help: Don’t hesitate to seek guidance from a marriage counselor when needed, as a proactive approach to difficulties strengthens the relationship. 

If I were to describe Esther as a character, I’d say that she’s controlling, overbearing, and sometimes even manipulative. She knows what she wants and she’ll do anything to get it. In a way, she’s similar to Bina, which is likely why the two get along so well. The two women were so similar to one another that sometimes, while watching the show, I’d even forget that Bina was actually Sasha’s mother; not Esther’s.

Being married to someone like Esther could be seen as no easy task, and it certainly wasn’t for Sasha. The more we saw season 1 progress, the more we saw Joanne and Noah getting closer while Esther and Sasha were drifting apart. And the further they drifted apart, the closer Sasha was getting to Morgan. Nothing sexual was happening between them, but there was certainly an emotional connection building up between the two; an inappropriate one for sure. If I were in Esther’s shoes, I’d certainly have a problem with his. And she did…

Esther voiced her frustration over Sasha’s close relationship with Morgan, and she made her boundaries very clear, and she very much communicated as to why. Both Sasha and Morgan failed to respect those boundaries. After having a heart-to-heart, Esther and Sasha made a promise to each other to make their marriage a priority. While they did try, it became evident that they were on two different paths. Sasha suddenly became more sure that he wanted another baby. He even made a whole PowerPoint presentation for Esther to prove to her that having a baby would be a good idea. Esther, on the other hand, was sure that she didn’t want that. By the final episode of season 10, Esther became more than sure that her marriage wasn’t working. At Morgan and Dr. Andy’s engagement party, she told Sasha she needed time to find herself. Sasha, in turn, said he’d wait for her. And yet, after all that, he still went to talk to Morgan, who by the end of her engagement party, ended her engagement herself, and bravely so, might I add.

Jackie Tohn, who portrays Esther, recently sat down for an interview with The Hollywood Reporter to talk about her character’s journey. When asked how she felt about where her character was headed in season 2 and how her storyline progressed, she said, ‘I don’t think her feelings were starting to change. I think she became aware of them. She was on a path: You get married, you have a kid and then you have your in-laws, and then you get a house and you have a job and your husband has a job. She was just doing the thing we do. She’s on a self realization journey, and is asking herself all the questions that maybe she never asked herself in life: “Is this the person I would’ve picked if I was even picking? We got pregnant, and I love him and he’s a great guy, but is he the person I would’ve picked?” She’s going on this emotional journey and realizing things that have been under the surface. I don’t think it’s that something happens and she realizes, “I’m not really into this guy.” It’s been brewing. The thing that made it possible for her to start asking those questions is that everyone else is having such a good time and she’s not. She’s like, “Wait a minute, I’m going to be fun! If he’s going to be friends with this Morgan character, I’m going out with Rebecca. We’re going to go do our own thing. I’m cutting bangs! I need a change in my life.” All of these things she’s doing are making her feel better and are outside the box. The Morgan stuff may have precipitated it, but she’s just on a journey. It’s so relatable how many of us are walking down the street and you’re like, is this even what I want? And maybe the answer is yes, but she’s just asking the questions. I was surprised, but I like that it feels like maybe more of a male trope at our age to be like, “I maybe want something else or something new.” It’s really nice that that’s turned on its head and it’s this woman really taking stock of her life and the trajectory she’s been on and saying, “I do love you, but I don’t know the answer to these questions and I’d like to go find them out.”’

Yes, Morgan and Sasha developed a somewhat inappropriate friendship, which included secret phone calls and other interactions. But Morgan wasn’t the reason why the marriage between Esther and Sasha ended. She wasn’t the WHY in Esther’s decision to end her marriage. But she wasn’t certainly the key to it. When a married man confides so much in a woman that’s not his wife, and he goes to her for advice every time he has an issue, there’s most definitely something off in the marriage itself. In hindsight, Morgan was the essential key to Esther’s self-discovery. And while Sasha said he’d wait for Esther to find herself, I truly don’t believe that that’s entirely true. I believe that he and Morgan developed a connection that’s way too intense at the moment for them not to be together now that both of them are ‘free’. Does it make Sasha a bad person? No. It makes him human.

All three have shit to figure out…