Lorelai Gilmore: Why Her Marriage (And Eventual Divorce) To Christopher Needed To Happen – And How It Led To Her Having A Better Relationship With Her Mother

Some people, particularly women, want to get married for ALL the wrong reasons. These women want to get married for reasons that are most likely driven by external pressures like societal expectations, peer pressure, or family approval, and personal motivations such as financial gain, revenge, or mistaking lust for love. Other wrong reasons include marrying to please parents, chasing a pastor’s or prophet’s “utterance,” feeling pressured by your age, or being physically attracted to someone rather than building a partnership on compatibility. These motivations can lead to unstable foundations for a marriage. To break it down more thoroughly:

External pressures

• Societal expectations and peer pressure: Marrying because friends are, or because of a perceived timeline, can lead to rushing into a decision without proper consideration.

• Family approval: Marrying to satisfy parents or to marry into a “good family” based on status can be a wrong motivator.

• Religious or spiritual pressure: Marrying based on a religious leader’s statement rather than genuine compatibility is ill-advised. 

Personal motivations

• Financial security: Marrying solely for money or financial gain can lead to an unstable marriage, especially if the financial situation changes.

• Physical attraction: Marrying based on physical beauty, handsomeness, or sexual appetite is often a sign of immaturity and can lead to disappointment.

• Revenge or selfishness: Marrying to get back at an ex or for selfish reasons creates a negative and unstable foundation for the marriage.

• Mistaking lust for love: Confusing infatuation or physical desire with a deeper, lasting love can be a significant error. 

We already broke down Dean and Lindsay’s very short-lived marriage, as well as all the reasons why they had absolutely NO business getting married in the first place – as seen on Gilmore Girls. Writing about their union, which was broken down due to Dean’s lingering feelings for Rory, I couldn’t help but think of Lorelai and her idea of marriage. But in order to fully understand her views on marriage, it’s important to look back at her backstory.

Lorelai comes from a family of wealth and privilege. Her parents, Emily and Richard Gilmore, didn’t show her much love and affection throughout her childhood. They raised her the only way they knew how. They were hard on her. They, particularly Emily, had their own ideologies when it came to how she should live her life. When she was just 16 years old, Lorelai got pregnant with her daughter, Rory. Christopher was the father. When their respective parents found out about the pregnancy, they’d envisioned Lorelai and Christopher’s entire future together, which was that Lorelai and Christopher would get married, Christopher would work at the family’s company, and Lorelai would stay home with the baby.

But Lorelai wasn’t having any of it. She wasn’t going to be told what to do and how to live her life. So without any hesitations, she left home with Rory and moved to Stars Hollow. Life was hard, no doubt. But Lorelai was determined provide a good life for Rory; a life that she herself never had. She did so all on her own. Christopher wasn’t there to raise Rory. Lorelai was both the mother AND the father in Rory’s life. Christopher’s role as a father was somewhat inconsistent. He was immature, unreliable “fun uncle” type who struggles to be a dependable presence in Rory’s life. He was there for Rory only if it benefited him to be with Lorelai.

We, the fans, first met the mother-daughter duo when Rory was 16 – the same age Lorelai was when she had her. Unlike Lorelai at her age, Rory was innocent and naive. She was the child that Emily and Richard wanted Lorelai to be. Lorelai was estranged from her parents, and Rory didn’t really get to know them as her grandparents. That was until Lorelai got a chance to send Rory to Chilton, a prestigious high school that Rory got accepted to. The one problem was that Lorelai didn’t have the money for tuition, and the deadline was coming up. If she didn’t pay it on time, Rory would lose her spot. Hence, she went to her parents’ house to ask for a loan. Emily and Richard lent her the money with the condition that she and Rory would come to have dinner with them EVERY Friday night. And that was how the Friday Night Dinner tradition was born…

On the very first dinner together, Emily and Lorelai got into a fight. It had to do with Emily’s dissatisfaction and disappointment in Lorelai’s life choices, particularly in her not marrying Christopher. In her traditional, old-school mentality, even in the year 2000, a child needed a mother AND a father to lead a good life. Rory was living proof that this wasn’t true. She needed Lorelai, and she had her, as well as practically the entire Stars Hollow, to raise her. But despite her independence, Lorelai always wanted to get married. She wanted to be loved, nourished, taken care of. Her idea of marriage was complex, reflecting a deep-seated fear of becoming like her parents and a struggle between her need for independence and her desire for a committed partner. She often loves the idea of marriage but is afraid of the reality, leading her to self-sabotage relationships. To break it down more thoroughly:

• Rejection of her parents’ lifestyle: Lorelai associated marriage with her parents’ emotionally distant and suffocating high-society life in Hartford. Having run away from that world at age 16, she intentionally pursued an opposite path, which often meant resisting traditional expectations like marriage.
  
• Fear of losing independence: After being a fiercely independent single mother for Rory’s entire life, Lorelai became reluctant to let anyone into her established life in Stars Hollow. The prospect of integrating someone into her space and sharing decisions was frightening to her, and she developed trust issues that caused her to be emotionally guarded.
  
• Unresolved trauma from Christopher: Her on-again, off-again relationship with Rory’s father left her with abandonment issues. He was often unreliable and would propose out of obligation rather than genuine commitment, which damaged Lorelai’s outlook on long-term relationships. 

When Rory started her studies at Chilton, Lorelai got closer to her teacher, Max Marina. He was the perfect man for her – on paper. In life, however, it just wasn’t enough. Max proposed to her, and it was absolutely beautiful; filled with flowers and a speech that would make any woman melt. Lorelai accepted the proposal, but hesitantly. The proposal was rushed. It happened in the midst of an argument, which made Lorelai realize that it was more of a resolution to a fight than a heartfelt moment of commitment. Nevertheless, she accepted Max’s proposal because she felt pressure to settle down and get married simply because she was in her 30s, a pressure that came from her friends and family. The engagement was a product of this pressure, not a genuine, deep connection. 

Fear just couldn’t stand the test of time. The rushed engagement and the subsequent wedding cancellation also stemmed from her fear of changing her life and the reality of marriage itself. Lorelai never truly allowed Max to be in her life as a partner. Max’s need for structure and her independent nature clashed, and they hadn’t had the important, deep conversations about their future that a couple headed for marriage would have. Finally, Lorelai admitted to herself and others that she didn’t love Max and was simply enjoying the idea of being engaged to him and changing her life. 

Years later, after numerous failed relationships, Lorelai started a relationship with Luke, her longtime friend. He was someone she’d known since Rory was 8 years old. It’s pretty safe to say that Emily WASN’T thrilled about it whatsoever. In her delusional mind, Lorelai belonged to Christopher, so she took matters into her own hands and sabotaged the situation. Behind Lorelai’s back, Emily invited Christopher to her and Richard’s vow renewal.

Emily’s plan worked. Following everything that had happened at the vow renewal, Luke left and Lorelai cut off all contact with Emily. What was supposed to be a happy occasion turned into a disaster, and it was all because Emily just couldn’t stop meddling in her daughter’s life because she was living a life that she didn’t envision for her. Emily completely lost herself in the situation. She thought she knew what was best for her daughter, but in reality, she knew nothing, and she paid the full price for it. It’s the same exact price that my father-in-law is paying now for his meddling and more. Both he and Emily are very similar to one another. Both suffer from conflict syndrome – a syndrome that isn’t recognized clinical term, but can be referred to a pattern of high-conflict personality or a conflict-avoidant personality, both of which disrupt relationships. High-conflict individuals repeatedly create intense conflict and are often characterized by blame, unmanaged emotions, and black-and-white thinking. In contrast, conflict-avoidant individuals use avoidance to evade accountability and responsibility, often hiding self-serving actions to prevent a fight. To break it down more thoroughly:

High-conflict personality

• Characterized by: A repetitive pattern of intense, frequent conflict in relationships.

• Key traits:
  • Blame: Blaming others and refusing to accept responsibility for their own actions.
  • Unmanaged emotions: Difficulty regulating emotions, leading to rage and anger.
  • All-or-nothing thinking: Seeing situations as simple or extreme, with no middle ground.
  • Extreme behaviors: Such as impulsivity, paranoia, and a fear of abandonment. 

Conflict-avoidant personality 

• Characterized by: A pattern of avoiding confrontation to escape accountability.

• Key traits:
  • Dishonesty: Using dishonesty or secrecy to avoid conflict.
  • Lack of transparency: Hiding actions they know will cause a fight, often framing it as “not wanting to cause trouble”.
  • Evasion: Escaping responsibility and accountability in the relationship. 

Potential underlying conditions

• Both high-conflict and conflict-avoidant behaviors can be associated with other conditions, though “conflict syndrome” is not a diagnosis itself.
• High-conflict personalities may show traits of personality disorders like borderline personality disorder, narcissistic personality disorder, or bipolar disorder.
• Oppositional defiant disorder is a related condition characterized by angry and irritable mood and defiant behavior. 

As I watched the show, I couldn’t help but empathize with Lorelai, especially when she told her mother that she was done with her bullshit. That particular moment was astoundingly beautiful. The anger she felt was exactly the anger my husband felt when he initially made the decision to go no-contact with my father-in-law. I just knew that she meant every single word when she told Emily she was done with her. Emily, in turn, looked surprised, and selfishly so.

While I understood exactly where Lorelai was coming from, I also emphasized with Emily, because unlike my father-in-law, she made the realization herself that she was wrong for what she’d done. She took accountability for the hurt she’d caused. With that in mind, she tried to apologize to Lorelai, and when Lorelai absolutely refused to see her, she went to Luke directly to make things right. And she did. It was after the talk that they had, where Emily did most of the talking, that Luke and Lorelai got back together.

Lorelai’s relationship with Luke was the best thing Lorelai had going for her. Finally she found a man that was good to her, good to Rory, adored everything about them and accepted them just as they were. When she saw just how much he cared for Rory and her well-being, she proposed to him on a whim, and he, without any hesitation or doubt, said yes. This was supposed to be the best thing that ever happened to Lorelai; and it was. But at the same time, she was estranged from Rory after Rory decided to drop out of Yale and move into her grandparents’ house. When this happened, Lorelai felt she couldn’t share the happiest moment of her life with her best friend.

This heartbreaking event shattered Lorelai to the core, and she asked Luke to postpone any wedding planning until she and Rory worked things out. He agreed, but just as mother-daughter duo reunited and things were looking up, Luke found out he had a biological daughter he knew nothing about for 14 whole years. The situation became complicated; very complicated. He didn’t know how to tell Lorelai. When she did (accidentally) find out, he asked to postpone any wedding planning again. Though hesitant, she agreed.

Things were getting more and more complicated in Lorelai and Luke’s relationship as time went on, and it seemed like they’d never get married. All Lorelai wanted was to get married; but not just to anyone. She wanted to marry Luke. The more time passed, the more it seemed unlikely. There came a point where she couldn’t take it anymore. After an impromptu therapy session, Lorelai went to Luke and told him she wanted to elope. Luke, feeling pressured, said he needed more time. She gave him an ultimatum- now or never. He said nothing. She left.

Instead of going home and giving herself time to heal, Lorelai immediately went to Christopher right after her breakup with Luke. They slept together. It was almost poetic. It was everything Christopher wanted at that moment. It was also everything Lorelai wanted – just at a different time in her life. Everything happened so fast that she didn’t even have time to stop and think. But despite this very fact, she went along with it. She and Christopher became a couple, and soon after, on a whim, got married while on vacation in Paris – without Rory.

Rory was heartbroken. By that point, she was in her 20s already. In her childhood and adolescent years, all she ever wanted was for her parents to be together. Here was the time and day that they actually were, and she didn’t even get to be a part of them making their union official. She wanted to be supportive, but at the same time, she couldn’t hide how much her parents’, particularly her mother’s, decisions hurt her. Nevertheless, with all things considered, she supported her parents’ as much as she could. The truth of the matter is, Rory never actually needed Christopher. She needed a father. In many ways, Luke provided her the care and love that a real father would. Luke being there for Rory had nothing to do with whether he was with Lorelai romantically. Unlike Christopher, his relationship with Rory never depended on that fact alone.

Just as quick as their most random relationship progressed, the marriage crumbled. They managed to stay together for a whopping 8 months; and it was a whirlwind affair to say the least. They both thought this was their happily-ever-after. But Lorelai’s heart was always somewhere else. It wasn’t just about her still having feelings for Luke, though they certainly were a big part of it. Christopher always felt like he was in competition with Luke when he was around, and he couldn’t handle him being a constant presence in Lorelai’s life. After he found Lorelai’s character reference letter for Luke to gain partial custody of his daughter, Christopher realized that how Lorelai viewed their marriage and their relationship as a whole just didn’t align with how he envisioned everything to turn out. The letter was too much for him to bear. Not only because the letter proved to him that he was Lorelai’s second choice, but also because he knew that everything she wrote about Luke being there for Rory as a father was absolutely true. This marked to be the very end of Lorelai and Christopher’s story.

Many fans of the original Gilmore Girls series absolutely HATED the last season of the show. How the characters progressed and in which direction their stories were headed wasn’t well received at all. Maybe I’m the only one on this entire earth that actually loved season 7. More particularly, I loved how Lorelai’s story and her marriage to Christopher came to be. It truly showcased that no matter how much they tried, they just weren’t ever right for each other. It wasn’t just a timing issue, as they tried so hard to prove, but rather their fundamental incompatibility as adults, different life philosophies, and Christopher’s chronic unreliability. Their relationship was largely based on a foundation of shared history and nostalgia (“what if”) rather than a sustainable, mature partnership. To break it down more thoroughly:

Key reasons for their incompatibility:

• Inconsistent Natures: Lorelai grew up quickly after getting pregnant at 16, becoming fiercely independent and reliable to build a stable life for herself and Rory in Stars Hollow. In contrast, Christopher remained immature and only became responsible when it was convenient or when external forces (like Sherry’s pregnancy) pushed him to, often running away when things got difficult.

• Differing Core Values: Lorelai valued independence and relied on her own hard work and the support of her close-knit Stars Hollow community. Christopher, despite his charm, often reverted to the expectations of his wealthy, high-society upbringing and struggled to integrate into Lorelai’s world.

• Lack of Trust and Support: Lorelai had a long history of not being able to trust Christopher to follow through on his promises. This was highlighted during critical moments, such as when Christopher was unreachable during Richard’s heart attack, while Luke Danes was a constant, reliable presence for Lorelai at the hospital.

• Unresolved “What If”: Their adult relationship, including their brief marriage in Season 7, was a way to finally address the lingering question of “what might have been” if they had stayed together as teenagers. Once they were actually together and faced the realities of everyday married life, they realized their deep-seated incompatibility.

• Lorelai’s True Feelings: Ultimately, Lorelai realized she was not truly in love with Christopher in a life partner sense, but rather loved the idea of their shared past. She famously told Christopher, “I want you to know, you are the man I want to want”. Her heart belonged with Luke, who was a better fit for her life and values. 

Even after the fight they had after Christopher found the character reference letter, Lorelai tried her hardest to fight for her marriage. She even contemplated never seeing Luke again to make Christopher happy. Ultimately, however, ended the marriage with Christopher after a conversation with Sookie, realizing their relationship just wasn’t right. Nevertheless, the marriage to Christopher was absolutely necessary for her character growth, as well as for all her ‘what-if’ questions to finally be answered after so many years of hesitancy. When they were 16, she refused to marry Christopher because she wasn’t in love with him and considered it to have been a mistake. In her later years, she questioned that decision. Getting married to him when she did, I feel, gave her the answers that she needed. It was how she knew that she was exactly right back when she was 16 years old.

My all-time favourite scene of Gilmore Girls might not even be between Lorelai and Rory, but one between Lorelai and Emily. It was when Lorelai didn’t know how to tell her and Richard that she and Christopher were getting a divorce. She didn’t want to feel like she was, yet again, a disappointment to them, and especially as marrying Christopher was all they ever wanted for her since she was 16 years old. When Lorelai didn’t tell her, Emily’s response surprised her; even touched her. Emily compared herself to a canoe – someone who always needed her husband to get by. Lorelai was a kayak – someone who was independent and strong; someone who didn’t need any man to be the best version of herself.

Not only was it a beautiful scene, but it was an important scene too. It was a vital scene. It was where Emily told Lorelai she was proud of her – something Lorelai was waiting her entire life to happen. The scene explained everything we needed to know to understand Lorelai’s character growth; both in how she viewed marriage and her ever so complicated relationship with her mother. None of it would’ve happened had Lorelai not married Christopher, which is why I wholeheartedly believe that it was something that NEEDED to happen.