Madhu Bose: Why Men Are So Quick To Judge Women For Their Career Choices – And Exactly What Made Shri The Right Person For Her DESPITE The Judgement

I recently watched the new Netflix movie Aap Jaisa Koi, translated in English as Someone Like You). It’s a Bollywood movie starring R. Madhavan as Shrirenu “Shri” Tripathi and Fatima Sana Shaikh as Madhu Bose. To be completely honest, I turned it on without having much expectation coming into it. In my mind, it was just another romantic comedy about two people falling in love, breaking up, and finding their way back to one another.

I was right. It was exactly the story of two people getting together, falling in love, breaking up, and finding their way back to one another. And nevertheless, the story absolutely touched me. It intrigued me. It mesmerized me. The story followed Shri, a 42 year old single man living in Jamshedpur and working as a professor. He’s somewhat socially awkward and old-fashioned, and he’d spent years looking for a woman to become his life partner. In his younger years, he confessed his feelings to a classmate named Rakhee, but when she rejected him, he insulted her, and in turn, she slapped him, predicting he’d forever remain lonely and frustrated. Now, in his 40’s, life saw him living with his best friend Deepak, while his elder brother Bhanu Tripathi and sister-in-law Kusum urged him to give up his teaching career to join the family’s real-estate business. Kusum, however, was unhappy in her marriage and feels trapped in a marriage where she wasn’t appreciated.

On a random casual night in, Deepak introduced Shri to a dating and chat application called Aap Jaisa Koi, where users talk to strangers completely anonymously. While initially showing his hesitation, Shri signed up and started talking to a woman whose voice captivated him. They connected on a deeper level that he could ever imagine. Meanwhile, in Kolkata, Madhu Bose, a 32-year-old French-language instructor from a liberal Bengali family, is living independently. She’s outspoken, opinionated, and sophisticated. She’s the polar opposite of Shri; modern, unafraid to express her sexuality. Unbeknownst to Shri, she’s the woman that Shri was talking to on the app.

A marriage proposal was soon arranged between Shri and Madhu. Their first meeting was at a cafe, and the date went magnificently well. Despite their obvious differences, they became drawn to each other. Shri’s conservative, patriarchal family clashed with Madhu’s matriarchal and progressive household, which created tension between the two sides. Nevertheless, they decided to get engaged. Things were going amazingly well, and Shri was the happiest he’d ever been in his life. But everything seemed to turn upside down when it was accidentally revealed that Madhu was the woman he’d spoken to through the app.

Shri couldn’t fathom being with someone who’s a ‘sex worker’, and even shamed Madhu as he shamelessly broke up with her. His insecurities and traditional mindset on life and women took over his love nests. Madhu tried her hardest to explain herself, explaining that working on the app wasn’t anything to be embarrassed about but a reflection of her loneliness and desire for genuine connection. With this in mind, conflict erupted between the families as old, outdated prejudices and double standards came to light. Shri came to understand his own hypocritical thinking in judging a woman for the same choices that men were allowed to make freely. Parallel to this, Kusum’s discontent with her husband Bhanu reached a breaking point. She found comfort in emotional comfort in Madhu’s uncle, Joy, and eventually decided to leave her unfulfilling marriage, asserting her independence and identity completely.

Having realized the mistake he made in judging Madhu, Shri travelled to Kolkata to beg for her forgiveness in the hopes of getting back together. In a romantic gesture, as they stood in the pouring rain, he told her he forgave her, and confessed that he was wrong to judge her; that he accepted her just as she was. She, in turn, said to him she didn’t need his forgiveness; only respect. That said, they reconciled. Kusum, having reclaimed her self-worth, refused to return to her husband. In the end, both couples showed emotional maturity, equality, and the breaking of societal barriers.

Generally speaking, men judge women for their career choices due to deeply ingrained societal expectations, traditional gender roles, and unconscious biases that shape their perceptions of a woman’s appropriate place and purpose. These judgments stem from various factors: 

• Traditional Gender Role Expectations: Society has long held the assumption that men should be the primary “breadwinners” in the public sphere, while women should focus on “homemaking” and caregiving in the private sphere. When a woman pursues a demanding career, it can challenge these deeply held, traditional views, leading some men to judge her choices as a deviation from what they consider the “norm”.

• Perceived Threat to Male Utility: Some men have a strong intrinsic need to feel useful and needed as providers. A woman with a high-powered, independent career might inadvertently challenge this need, making some men feel less essential in a relationship. This perceived lack of need can lead to feelings of being “repulsed” or “intimidated”, which manifests as judgment.

• Gender Stereotypes and Competence Biases: Women in management or non-traditional roles are sometimes perceived as less competent or “abrasive” because they may adopt traits (like assertiveness or dominance) that are stereotypically considered masculine. These traits, when displayed by women, can be viewed negatively, whereas the same traits in men are often seen as leadership qualities.

• Compatibility Concerns: For some men seeking a long-term partner, a woman’s career choices might indicate a potential misalignment in core values or lifestyle expectations, especially regarding work-life balance and family planning. Concerns about who will manage household duties and the potential for friction over these issues can influence their judgment.

• Financial Dynamics: While many men are attracted to ambitious women, some may have concerns about financial dynamics. This can range from concerns about a partner’s significant debt from a low-earning profession, to a perception that women with independent wealth may be less inclined to share resources or appreciate the man’s contributions.

• Internalized Biases: Both men and women can internalize societal gender stereotypes, sometimes unconsciously. This means that some men may not even be aware of the underlying biases that influence their judgments about a woman’s career aspirations. 

In essence, these judgments are less about the career itself and more about the perceived clash with traditional expectations, which can lead to a misunderstanding of values, intentions, and compatibility in a relationship. While Aap Jaisa Koi put an emphasis on its core beliefs and practices of culture, the same exact judgement on women in relationships can be seen in ANY culture. Even White people make the same judgements as Shri.

Watching the story between him and Madhu unfold heavily reminded me of Ross and Rachel’s beginnings on Friends. It was particularly following their first kiss after Ross found out that Rachel had feelings for him. He was absolutely shocked at the accidental revelation. By that point, he had a girlfriend, Julie. She was a woman he met on his trip to China. Just as he got to accept the fact that he’d never be with Rachel after having a long-standing crush on her that turned into love, he found out that she had feelings for him too.

The aftermath of the kiss left the two of them feeling completely different forms of pain and grief. Rachel was excited to finally be able to be with Ross. She felt like he’d already chosen her over Julie. That wasn’t the case, however. The new revelation and the kiss left Ross confused about his feelings. He didn’t know what to do – whether to stay in a relationship with Julie and pretend like the kiss never happened or break up with Julie and be in a relationship with Rachel. Joey and Chandler convinced him to make a pros and cons list of both women.

Ross, after making that list, decided to break things off with Julie and be with Rachel. The only con he could think of for Julie was that she wasn’t Rachel, the woman he loved since the 9th grade. Rachel, having heard that she was chosen, was ecstatic. They were (FINALLY) officially together. Their happiness was short-lived, however, as just as they made things official, Rachel found ‘the list’. She saw the cons that Ross included as reasons not to be with her. One of those things included that she was ‘just a waitress’. Ross tried to defend himself and deflect the blame from himself by telling her to look at Julie’s cons. But none of that mattered anymore. She was done with him. And just like that, Rachel ended things with Ross.

As all hardcore Friends fans know, Ross and Rachel did eventually become a couple, and throughout the 10 years that we saw them be on-and-off a number of times, their relationship was romanticized to the core. Now that I’m an adult woman myself, I realize just how stupidly wrong they were for one another. Even if Ross did show that he was a good person a lot of the times, like when he’d given up an opportunity to be featured on TV to take care of an ill Rachel, it didn’t make him right for her. If I were to be completely honest, that list should’ve been the end of it all for them as a couple.

Growing up, I never understood why Rachel got mad at Ross for making that list. The infamous list included that not only that she was ‘just a waitress’ as reasons not to be with her, but that she was kind of ditzy, too into her looks, and spoiled as well. Rachel was hurt, and understandably so. The list of reasons for Ross not to be with her hit home because these were all her insecurities; things that made her vulnerable; made her doubt herself. In her ending things with Ross, before she slammed her door at him, she said, ‘Imagine the worst things you think about yourself. Now, how would you feel if the person you trusted the most in the world not only thinks them too, but actually uses them as reasons not to be with you.’ And she was absolutely spot on…

Let me be clear that in no way do I think that Rachel was completely innocent in her very complex relationship with Ross. Buzzfeed published an entire article with 33 (!) reasons why Ross and Rachel were wrong for each other, and most of these reasons had to do with Rachel’s wrongdoings. Nevertheless, Ross’s list, in my viewpoint, was the absolute worst part of their entire history. This was worse than Ross cheating on her, which by the way, I don’t actually think he did. It was wrong of him to sleep with someone literally 5 minutes after they were on a break. But he did NOT cheat.

The worst part of the whole situation with Ross making the list wasn’t even that he actually made it, but that he didn’t actually seem to have understood what the fuck he did wrong. It all somehow became a game that Rachel ‘won’. Rachel wasn’t mad about the actual list as much as she was mad about what was on the list – namely that Ross thought of her as ‘just a waitress’. That’s just a huge red flag in general to have that opinion about someone. She was right to be mad and disheartened. For Ross, it was no big deal. For Rachel, it was her whole life.

Generally speaking, whether Ross was right or wrong to make the list is a matter of perspective. Some people believe he was justified because the list was a private, analytical tool to help him make a difficult decision, and it ultimately led him to realize he wanted to be with Rachel. Others argue that making and showing the list to his friends was cruel, regardless of his reasoning, because the items on it were hurtful, and discovering it as Rachel did would be upsetting to anyone. To break it down more thoroughly:

Arguments for Ross not being wrong

• A private, analytical tool: The list was a personal exercise to help him weigh his options between Julie and Rachel, a common way for people to process big decisions.

• Intended for his eyes only: The list was not meant to be seen by Rachel, so she finding it was an unfortunate accident that provided no context for the items on it.

• Ultimately helpful: The exercise helped him realize that “She’s not Rachel” was the only con, and he ultimately chose Rachel, indicating the list helped him make the right decision.

• He was just being honest: Ross was being honest about his true thoughts, and some viewers argue that it is better to be honest than to ignore feelings, even if it is difficult. 

Arguments for Ross being wrong

• Hurtful and cruel: The list contained hurtful comments about Rachel, and it was humiliating for her to find out that Ross had such negative thoughts about her, especially after years of their friendship.

• Showed poor judgment: Ross should’ve known that making a list about his best friend and sharing it with his male friends would lead to it being seen by her.

• Rachel’s feelings were valid: Rachel was right to be upset, and she was not wrong to feel hurt after discovering the list, regardless of how she found it.

• “Just a waitress” was still a put-down:While taken out of context, some argue that calling her “just a waitress” was a dismissive and disrespectful comment, even in a private list. 

If you haven’t already gotten the gist of it, I was completely against Ross making the list. When you love a person as much as he claimed to love her, you love them DESPITE their flaws. Sometimes, you even love them FOR their flaws. And sometimes, you don’t even see flaws in them. I myself would never date someone who made a list as the one Ross did, regardless of reason. Using insecurities as a reason not to be with someone? Not my cup of tea. Rachel was so much better than Ross. She deserved better than him, and maybe her getting into a relationship with him later on was her biggest insecurity.

At the point in her life when Ross made the list, Rachel was starting her life COMPLETELY over. She was. She took the biggest risk she could take in her life at that moment. She left the only life she knew, the privileged rich life where she was dependant on her dad’s money. She left her fiancé at the alter just a year prior to be her own person. For the first time in her entire life, she was completely on her own. Even getting a job as a waitress was a fucking big deal. It was a VERY big deal.

And there was Ross, who belittled everything about her accomplishments. What Ross meant by ‘just a waitress’ was that he had less in common with her than he did with Julie, as she’s in the same work field as him. And of course, Rachel was, even then, by far, more than just a waitress. She, understandably so, took that point on the list as an insult to her work and life choices. her to read the other side, where Julie’s negatives amount to ‘She’s not Rachel’, which Rachel misread because of a typo, but still – Ross certainly had less negative things to say about Julie.

It didn’t matter that it was Chandler and Joey’s idea to make the pro’s and con’s list to help Ross choose between the two women. Ross didn’t decline to make the list. If he truly loved Rachel as he always claimed he did, it should’ve been an easy decision for him as to who he wanted to choose. The whole point of the list was that even though Rachel had so many flaws in her, Ross still wanted to be with her. Maybe if the list didn’t include that Rachel was ‘just a waitress’, she wouldn’t have been so hurt by it. And the key word here is…JUST. The fact that Ross saw her as JUST a waitress hurt Rachel the most. She could handle the fact that he saw her as ditzy, too into her looks, and spoiled. She might’ve even continued on dating him after that and forgotten about the list all together. But not so much as the fact that he saw her as JUST a waitress.

Rachel ended up forgiving Ross after she saw an old video which showed him preparing to take her to the prom after her date bailed on her. While it was a nice gesture, it shouldn’t have been a good enough reason for Rachel to forgive and forget what had happened, and events that followed were a turning point for the it to be true. Rachel’s beginnings on the show saw her take the biggest risk of her entire life. Two years later, she took another risk by quitting her waitressing job and, yet again, starting over. She got a job in fashion, and she was FINALLY doing what she actually loved. She was happy, and the only person that wasn’t happy for her was Ross – her boyfriend.

In hindsight, looking back, the time period where Rachel was the best version of herself was when she was separated from Ross. She thrived in her career. She worked her way up and, by the end of the series’ run, got an amazing opportunity in Paris for fuck’s sakes. It was HIM that was holding her back from being the best version of herself. Ross’ list, though didn’t seem like a big deal and was forgotten about following Rachel seeing the prom video, became the very beginning of the end for Ross’ defence. Him selfishly begging for her to stay with him and not take the job in Paris showed that the list that he made years prior was the mere definition of his character and what he thought of Rachel.

If Ross truly loved her as he claimed to love her, he would’ve ran after her to the airport to tell her he loved her, encouraged her to get on the plane to go to Paris, kick ass on the job, and that he’d wait for her. That’s exactly why Rachel deserved better. That’s why she shouldn’t have forgiven him at all for making that list. And what makes Shri and Madhuso different than Ross and Rachel, you ask? Shri understood. He understood his mistake in judging Madhu for what she did for work. And Madhu had enough self-respect to not ask for forgiveness for what she did for work, but demand for exactly what she was looking from him as a man. THAT is what makes them be a good fit for one another; unlike Ross and Rachel.