Hilary Duff: The Deeper Meaning Of Her New Single ‘Mature’ – And The Problematic Way Inappropriate Age-Gap Relationships Are Romanticized

Just as long as we’re on the subject of motherhood, work, motherhood, and work these past several blog entries on the blog, I thought it’d be best to talk about another celebrity mom – Hilary Duff. She’s a mother to 4 (!) kids between the ages of 13 and not even 2 years old. The actress, singer, and author was previously married to former Hockey player Mike Comrie, and is now married to fellow musician and songwriter Matthew Koma. But she’s more than just her personal life. She’s been working, practically non-stop, since she was 6 years old. Millennials everywhere felt like they grew up with her. She starred in such classics as Lizzie McGuire, Raise Your Voice, A Cinderella Story, The Perfect Man (my personal favourite), Material Girls, and more. She also made musical classics, with songs like Why Not, So Yesterday, Come Clean, Wake Up, and of course, What Dreams Are Made Of. Duff holds a special place in millennials’ hearts for more reasons than one. This includes:

• Shared Coming-of-Age Experience: Many millennials, born between the early 1980s and mid-1990s, grew up watching Lizzie McGuire, which premiered in 2001. The show resonated deeply as it chronicled the relatable experience of navigating middle school, friendships, and identity formation during the challenging tween and early teen years.

• Nostalgia and Cultural Impact: Duff’s early work is a significant source of nostalgia for the generation. Her debut album Metamorphosis and hit films like The Lizzie McGuire Movie and A Cinderella Story are considered cultural touchstones of the early 2000s, helping to define the era’s pop culture.

• Relatability and Authenticity: Unlike some other highly stylized teen stars, Duff maintained a more grounded and approachable image. Her public persona and career trajectory, transitioning into mature acting roles and motherhood, mirrored the life stages of her millennial fanbase, allowing them to continue relating to her as they both matured.

• Successful Career Transition: Duff avoided many of the public pitfalls experienced by some other child stars, successfully transitioning to adult roles in shows like Younger and How I Met Your Father, which further solidified her ongoing relevance. Her longevity in the industry and recent return to music are often met with excitement and support from her loyal, nostalgic fanbase. 

The 2000’s was a tough period for me. Looking back, it wasn’t the toughest period in my life, but it seemed impossible for me at the time; like my life was ending. Duff made me feel like she was my friend at the time; the friend that I so desperately needed but couldn’t find. I didn’t even care for any rumours about her love triangle with Lindsay Lohan and (the late) Aaron Carter that were going on at the time. I just truly cared about her work. I couldn’t wait to see on my screen. She wasn’t anything special when it came down to her skills, but she was relatable. That’s what made her truly unique. She made a mark with her presence, and she paved the way for Disney’s business model and everything that came after she left the company.

I remember so vividly when my friend gifted me concert tickets to see Duff for my birthday. It was during her Dignity era in 2007. We went together. Again, it wasn’t anything special when it came to Duff’s vocal range or dancing skills, but her stage presence was remarkable. Seeing her on stage felt like she was up close and personal; like she was a third person hanging out with us. It was remarkable. So special and beautiful. Now, years later, that concert is a core memory I’ll never forget. In hindsight, even now, I still consider it as one of the best birthday presents I ever received.

After a 10 year hiatus from music, with her last album, Breath In. Breathe Out being released in 2015, her first album since Dignity, Duff announced that she was (FINALLY) returning to music after being signed with Atlantic Records. She told Variety, ‘We’re getting something really soon. I have been hard at work in the studio with my husband [Matthew Koma] and a few other amazingly talented people. ‘My fans are going to hear something so soon, like in the blink of an eye. I needed to feel safe and I needed to have the right people in my corner and be absolutely 100% ready. Honestly, I needed to have 10 years of life under my belt. I needed a lot to say. This album feels like the inner workings of my brain and I really am so excited to connect with people again on that level, that very forward-facing level.’

The entire millennial generation, typically defined as individuals born between the early 1980s and the mid-1990s, was rejoiced when Duff’s newest single, ‘Mature’ was released earlier this month. I don’t think there was any millennial generation who DIDN’T listen to it and watch the music video. And it all paid off. ‘Mature’ became Duff’s most streamed single on Spotify in her entire career and was #2 on the charts on iTunes. To say that this newfound success is well-deserved would be an understatement, especially considering the fact that Breathe In. Breathe Out was a major flop and even somewhat forgettable.

‘Mature’ spoke of an age-gap relationship. When speaking of what the song was about, Duff said on Instagram that it ‘speaks to my mature self calling my not so mature self on the phone many years ago, and she’s letting her know we landed softly. This was a brief time with a lover that left me with so many questions… It felt like a good place to start.’ While looking back at Duff’s personal life, fans were instantly reminded of her previous relationship with Good Charlotte’s Joel Madden. He’s now married to Nicole Richie, and together they have two children. Duff and Madden are even friends and neighbours now years after their breakup. The two dated between 2004 and 2006 when Duff was 16 and Madden was 25. It was obviously an inappropriate relationship, and yet somehow, it was romanticized.

At the time, the relationship received some tabloid attention but generally less public outrage than it would today, a phenomenon some attribute to different media landscapes and changing societal attitudes. In recent years, the relationship has resurfaced on social media and sparked significant criticism, with many people labeling Madden as a “predator” and the age gap as “disgusting”. In a 2015 interview, Duff hinted that she lost her virginity to Madden. She said to Cosmopolitan, ‘I had a pretty serious relationship at a young age that I ended, and it wrecked me for a good year and a half. I didn’t really enjoy being single. I had a 26-year-old boyfriend. So everyone can make their own assumptions about what I was doing.’

Generally speaking, romanticization of older men dating younger women stems from a combination of factors including cultural narratives, perceived benefits, and sometimes, underlying psychological or evolutionary dynamics. Cultural tropes often portray older men as wise and financially stable, while younger women are seen as youthful and vibrant, creating a romanticized ideal of a mutually beneficial pairing. To break things down more thoroughly:

Contributing factors:

• Cultural portrayals: Movies, television, and literature often depict older men and younger women in a romanticized light, reinforcing the idea of a “sugar daddy” dynamic where the older partner provides guidance and resources, while the younger partner brings excitement and admiration.

• Perceived benefits for the man: Some older men are drawn to younger women for the perceived vitality and optimism they bring to the relationship. Some also see it as a way to feel youthful themselves or to boost their ego. Other arguments suggest that younger women are seen as more “pliable” or more likely to admire their partner’s success, though this is a more controversial perspective.

• Perceived benefits for the woman: Younger women may be attracted to older men for perceived stability, wisdom, and maturity, especially if the man is financially successful and has a strong life experience.

• Psychological and evolutionary factors: Some theories suggest evolutionary or psychological reasons, such as the idea that older men are attracted to the fertility and youth of younger women, or that some men may be seeking a partner who is less jaded by the world. In some cases, however, it can be a coping mechanism to avoid confronting the reality of aging. 

As we’re speaking of an age-gap relationship, while 9 years doesn’t seem like that much of an age difference, we have to remember that Duff was only 16 years old when she started dating Madden. She was a TEENAGER. And Duff wasn’t the only one who started dating a much older man when she was of teen age. Demi Lovato started dating Wilmer Valderrama when she was 17 and he was 29. The two dated years for 6 years between 2010 and 2016, and in her Simply Complicated documentary following their breakup, Demi said of her ex, ‘I’ve never loved anybody like I’ve loved Wilmer. And, like, I still love Wilmer. I think my heart is always with Wilmer, I think it was with Wilmer, I think it is with Wilmer, I think it will be. Because you don’t share six years with somebody and not give them a piece of your heart and vice versa. I’m pretty sure that I’m not going to meet anybody that compares to him.’ She later released a song called 29, which chronicled the disturbance of her ex even considering dating someone as young as her back in 2010.

Lovato was unlucky in love for years following her breakup with Valderrama. After a string of flings and short-term relationships, she became engaged to Max Ehrich, who was most recently placed under psychiatric hold over an erratic behaviour, during the pandemic. His motives in dating Lovato weren’t genuine as he obviously used her for his 15 minutes of fame, which he got. She recently married singer Jutes after 3 years of dating. Of her relationship, she told Vogue, ‘To find a love like this has completed my life in so many ways. We both put the work into ourselves first to be ready and open to share a life together, and I think that is a really important part of our relationship. We don’t complete each other as we did the work to complete ourselves first—and I think that’s a really important thing to do.’

But Lovato wasn’t the first teenager Valderrama persuaded. He also previously dated Lindsay Lohan and Mandy Moore when they were teenagers. Somehow, it was normal and unproblematic in the eyes of the public. Even more so, this behaviour was rooted for. And, in many cases, when an older man does the right thing and rejects a teenage girl’s advances, he’s villainized. Girl Meets World, the spinoff to the 90’s teen classic Boy Meets World, is the perfect example of that. In my previous blog entry, I heavily discussed how the show got everything wrong on aiming to educate their young audience on autism. I also mentioned there were many things wrong with the show. The second thing wrong about it was Josh, Cory’s younger brother, being villainized for turning down Maya’s advances when she told him she loved him because she was too young for him. On the show, she was 14 while he was 17.

Hollywood romanticizes relationships between older men and younger women, including teenagers, due to factors like the normalization of age gaps in storytelling, the perceived attractiveness of a younger partner’s “youthfulness,” and a historical industry trend where older male stars were paired with young actresses to maintain a glamorous image. This trope is often depicted without exploring the potentially problematic power dynamics, creating a fantasy rather than reflecting real-world complexities. To break it down more thoroughly:

Common reasons for this trope:

• Industry norms and filmmaker preferences:For many years, older male directors and producers cast younger women opposite older male stars. This was sometimes done to help the established leading man maintain his romantic appeal or to meet an idea of glamorous pairing that often ignored age differences.

• Perceived qualities of youth: In romanticized portrayals, the younger character is often depicted as representing excitement, adventure, and an untainted optimism that can be seen as contagious and appealing to an older, perhaps more jaded, partner.

• Fantasy and escapism: The media often presents an overly sexualized and eroticized fantasy that normalizes these relationships. By excluding the negative aspects, such as potential exploitation or power imbalance, it creates a narrative that can be damaging and sets a dangerous precedent for viewers, especially young people entering relationships.

• Historical precedent: In the past, the industry didn’t always focus on the age disparity in relationships, and some age-gap pairings were even publicized positively, despite some private disapproval. This established a precedent of acceptance for such relationships in media.

• Lack of critical analysis: Hollywood has often been criticized for romanticizing age-gap relationships without critically examining the power dynamics and potential for exploitation inherent in them. 

And while Girl Meets, a kids show, romanticized such a thing and made it seem normal, Pretty Little Liars, The Vampire Diaries, and Gossip Girl all featured the messed-up dynamic too. On Pretty Little Liars not only was the relationship problematic because of the age gap – with Aria being 16 and Ezra being 23 – but also unethical due to it being a student-teacher relationship. Ian Harding, who portrayed Ezra, previously opened to Cosmopolitan and revealed that advertisers had more issue with the fact that Emily is gay than with the illegal relationship between Aria and Ezra. He said, ‘One company dropped its advertising for our show in one of the early seasons, because they didn’t agree with the relationship. And I was like, ‘No shit, our relationship is illegal!’ And [showrunner I.] Marlene [King] said, ‘No, it’s not yours, it’s Emily’s relationship [that’s the problem].’’

The most straightforward answer as to why older men date younger women is just because they can. It doesn’t even have to be about the woman being of a reproductive age. In my own life, I dated a man in his mid-20’s when I was 17. Then when I was 18, a man his 30’s attempted to court me. Neither of these ‘relationships’ got to the point of them being sexual, but regardless of that, it didn’t make it okay. What did these men even think of getting close to a teenage girl? Now that I’m an adult, the only way I’d ever get close to someone that age is if they’re my family. The fact that I was 18 and of legal age when the 32 year old man courted me didn’t make it okay, because if though he could, doesn’t mean he should’ve.

The psychology behind an older man dating a teenage girl can involve a desire for control, validation, and admiration, sometimes rooted in insecurity, while other factors can include genuine emotional connection and shared life perspectives. Potential motivations can also include feeling more attractive due to youth, a perceived “status symbol,” or feeling more experienced and confident than same-aged partners, which can lead to power imbalances or exploitation. For a teenager, this type of relationship may stem from seeking security, maturity, or a sense of being “seen” and understood in a way that same-aged peers cannot provide.  To break it down more thoroughly:

For the older man

• Validation and self-esteem: Dating a younger woman can boost a man’s ego by reinforcing his attractiveness, making him feel powerful and accomplished, especially as he ages.

• Control and power: Some men may seek a partner they can mold or a relationship where they are more experienced and can dictate the terms, especially if they are insecure and seek admiration. This is often tied to an unequal power dynamic due to the man’s greater resources, status, or life experience.

• Desire for youth and beauty: Societal associations of beauty with youth can lead some men to feel that dating a younger woman is a status symbol.

• Seeking a specific type of connection: Some men may feel they can offer a level of emotional security, maturity, and support that they believe younger women, and even women their own age, cannot provide. They may believe they can offer more support and be more appreciative of a younger woman’s physical and emotional presence. 

For the teenage girl

• Seeking a father figure: Some relationships may stem from a desire for a supportive, mature, and stable male figure, possibly linked to unresolved issues with father figures.

• Feeling “seen” and understood: An older partner may provide a sense of being understood at a deeper, more authentic level than same-aged peers, creating a strong emotional connection.

• Desire for security and support: A relationship with an older, more established partner can be appealing for the sense of security, stability, and life guidance they may provide.

• Attraction to confidence and experience:The confidence, assertiveness, and life experience of an older partner can be attractive, as can the perceived sexual experience. 

Potential negative aspects and risks

• Power imbalance and exploitation: When a man seeks a relationship with a much younger woman, especially one who is less successful or less independent, there is a risk of power imbalance where the woman may feel pressured or taken advantage of, both sexually and emotionally.

• Emotional damage and low self-esteem: Studies have shown that adolescent females in relationships with older sexual partners may have higher predicted depression scores and lower self-esteem. This can be a result of the imbalance, exploitation, or the potential for the relationship to negatively affect her sense of self-worth.

• Legal and social issues: Depending on the specific ages involved, there can be legal issues attached to sexual relationships with minors, which can have severe consequences. There can also be significant social stigma attached to such relationships, which can strain a young person’s social life and support systems. 

Going back to Hilary Duff, she’s now only 38 years old, but she’s been working absolutely non-stop since the age 6. Even during her 10 year hiatus from making music, she worked as an actress, and she’s released several books too. Us millennials tend to forget that she never had the ‘normal’ childhood that we had; or even the ‘normal’ 20’s that we had. In her 20’s, while most people at that age most likely were partying and having the time of their lives, Duff got married, had a child, and got divorced. While most people in their 20’s were figuring out what they wanted to do in their futures, she already had a successful career that most people don’t even get to see in their 30’s or 40’s.

No matter the case; no matter how mature Duff might’ve been when she was 16, it didn’t make it okay for the then 25 year old Joel Madden to even think of courting her at the time. But the song lyrics for her newest single don’t match what we know of them as a couple, as well as individuals. Fans speculate that the song is about Leonardo DiCaprio, who’s well-known to date women no older than 25, even now that he’s in his 50’s. It was never public knowledge that he and Duff were ever together, though it wouldn’t be much of a surprise either. There’s a lot of analysis made on this case based on the song alone, so to end this on a positive note, let’s just enjoy this newest Hilary Duff banger: