Aubrey Plaza: What Her Openness On Loss And Grief Can Teach Us On How To Move On With Our Life – And What Jeff Baena’s Passing Can Teach Us on The Silent Mental Health Struggle

Grieving someone that’s still alive isn’t easy. That’s exactly what Rebecca Gayheart is doing now as she watches her husband, former Grey’s Anatomy actor Eric Dane , battle ALS. It’s something that he made public in April of this year, and Gayheart, who filed to dismiss their divorce proceedings in March even though they weren’t getting back together, recently opened up about their newfound family dynamic. You can read more about it in a more in-depth manner in my previous blog entry, but only after you read THIS one.

ALS, known as motor neuron disease (MND) or – in the United States and Canada – Lou Gehrig’s disease (LGD), is a rare disorder that results in the progressive loss of both upper and lower motor neurons that normally control voluntary muscle contraction, is a deadly disease. The life expectancy of someone diagnosed with ALS is 3 – 5 years. About 30% of people live 5 years or more, and 10% to 20% live for at least 10 years, while some rare cases survive for 20 years or longer. Prognosis is influenced by factors like age at diagnosis, the specific type of symptoms, and the rate of disease progression. 

And while we’ve discussed how an illness that physically affects one’s body and eventually kills them, we also have to consider how an illness that affects the brain can kill someone. I’m particularly speaking of mental illness. Such an illness is deadly due to a high risk of premature death from both unnatural causes like suicide and accidents, and natural causes like heart disease and cancer. Factors like poor physical health outcomes, substance use, lack of access to healthcare, stigma, and chronic stress contribute to this increased mortality. Mental illness can reduce life expectancy by 10 to 20 years. To break things down more thoroughly:

Causes of premature death

• Unnatural causes: Individuals with serious mental illness are at a significantly higher risk for death from suicide and accidents compared to the general population. Risk factors include younger age, male sex, previous suicide attempts, and substance misuse.

• Natural causes: Mental illness is linked to a higher prevalence of chronic physical conditions, which are leading causes of death.

• Heart disease and stroke: High blood pressure, elevated stress hormones, and some psychotropic medications increase the risk of heart disease and stroke, sometimes by two to three times.

• Other chronic illnesses: Conditions like diabetes are more common in people with schizophrenia and depression. There is also a higher risk of infectious diseases, including HIV. 

Contributing factors

• Lifestyle and behavior: Poor nutrition, lack of physical activity, and higher rates of tobacco use are common among those with serious mental illness.

• Socioeconomic factors: Poverty, inadequate housing, and lack of employment can increase vulnerability to chronic conditions.

• Healthcare access: Individuals with mental illness often face barriers to accessing physical healthcare.

• Medication side effects: Some medications used to treat mental health conditions can lead to weight gain and other metabolic issues that increase the risk of chronic diseases.

• Chronic stress: The long-term activation of the body’s stress response can disrupt many bodily processes, increasing the risk for numerous health problems. 

Addressing the issue

• Treating mental health conditions with professional help can reduce both mental and physical issues, and lower the risk of death.

• Implementing population-based health strategies that address poor housing, low income, and lack of employment can also help reduce risk factors for chronic conditions in this population. 

Numerous celebrities passed away due to mental illness, particularly suicide. These include Robin Williams, Chester Bennington, Kurt Cobain, Lee Thompson Young, Chris Cornell, Sawyer Sweeten, Avicii, Naomi Judd, Dana Plato, Chris Benoit, who also killed his wife and child in a murder-suicide, amongst others. This past January, indie filmmaker Jeff Baena died of suicide. It was a shock to everyone, especially considering it was never known to the public that he’d been struggling to begin with.

Baena was previously married to actress and comedienne Aubrey Plaza. Together they collaborated on several films, including 2014’s Life After Beth, 2017’s The Little Hours, and 2022’s Spin Me Round. He also frequently collaborated with Allison Brie. But perhaps the movie he wrote that everyone knows is 2004’s I Heart Huckabees, his first-ever writing credit. He also took part in Meet The Fockers, though he was uncredited. Baena’s career started after he graduated from NYU Film School. He worked as a production assistant for Robert Zemeckis and later as an assistant editor for David O. Russell, which led to him co-writing I Heart Huckabees. His first film as a director was Life After Beth. On top of that, he created and co-wrote the 2021 Showtime anthology series Cinema Toast. 

Baena and Plaza started dating in 2011. They kept much of their relationship fairly private throughout their time together; mainly only speaking of their love when promoting their work. After 10 years together, the couple got married in a Covid wedding. Following Baena’s death, it was reported that that they’d broken up. Despite their separation, they remained close. They last communicated with one another at 10:36 AM ET on the day of his death, as per reports. Plaza told authorities that her husband had made some concerning remarks one month after they separated, which indicated he’d been struggling internally.

In a statement made to People days following his death, Plaza and Baena’s family said, ‘This is an unimaginable tragedy. We are deeply grateful to everyone who has offered support. Please respect our privacy during this time. In the months since, the actress has remained private in her grief. She abruptly deleted her Instagram page after the last post she made was flooded with never-ending messages of condolences. In February, she subtly paid tribute to Baena at Saturday Night Live’s 50th anniversary celebration when, as she introduced musical guests Miley Cyrus and Brittany Howard, wore a a tie-dye pyjama shirt. The reason the tie-dye shirt was so notable was due to Plaza’s previous comments about how the couple wore tie-dye for their spontaneous pandemic wedding. Tie/dying was a hobby Baena became interested in during that period.

To promote her film Honey Don’t!, Plaza appeared on her former Parks and Recreations co-star Amy Poehler’s Good Hang with Amy Poehler podcast, where she opened up about her grief like she never had before. Poehler started off the conversation by saying, ‘To just get it out of the way. People want to see you and want to see how you are. They love you. They love you, and they want to see you. You’ve had this terrible, terrible, tragic year. You’ve lost your husband. You’ve been dealing with that, and you’ve been looking for all different ways in which to feel and find support. And I think, on behalf of all the people who feel like they know you and the people who do know you, how are you feeling today?’

All to which Plaza said after taking a deep breath, ‘I mean, right in this very, very present moment, I feel happy to be with you. Overall, I’m here and I’m functioning, and I feel, you know, I feel really grateful to be moving through the world. I think, like, I’m okay. But, you know, it’s like a daily struggle, obviously. In the movie (The Gorge, starring Miles Teller and Anya Taylor-Joy), there’s like a cliff on one side and then there’s like a cliff on the other side, and there’s like a gorge in between, and it’s filled with all these monster people that are trying to get them. And, like, I swear, when I watched it, I was like, That feels what my grief is like. Or what grief could be like. Where it’s like, at all times there’s a giant, like, ocean of just awfulness that’s right there, and I can see it, and sometimes I just want to dive into it and just be in it. And then, sometimes I just look at it. And then sometimes I try to get away from it, but it’s always there. As someone who is personally still in the early stages of grief over the death of my mom last year, I understood this analogy so perfectly because yes, that’s exactly what it’s like. Sometimes the grief consumes me, and I can’t really plan when or where, and other times I’m seemingly fine. There’s a quote that’s like, “Grief is like glitter. It clings to everything,” and I think that’s so true. There are little specs of grief glitter everywhere on me and in my daily life, but others might not see it; tiny pieces of it are everywhere.’

Poehler went on to praise Baena and his work as a writer and director, and she encouraged her listeners to watch his films. She said, ‘They are all really great, beautiful, funny films that you should check out and check out Jeff Baena’s work. He’s an incredible writer and director, and his work is really special. She also highlighted the National Suicide and Crisis Prevention Lifeline at 988 and Spotify’s mental health resources. I personally loved just how much care and empathy Poehler showed towards Baena’s memory. Moreover, I loved how she used the present tense when referring to him. And I wasn’t the only one…

Following Plaza’s episode release, many listeners and fans took to X, formerly known as Twitter, to voice their praises delicately and perfectly Poehler handled the situation at hand. One comment read, ‘The way Amy was the best in approaching Aubrey’s grief and where she is at right now, and also bringing levity and humor with respect. Class act! That is a friend.’ Another comment read, ‘Props to Amy for her people skills. Knowing when a moment needs space but also when you can make it lighter by jokes and laughter is such an amazing skill to have ❤️ sending continuous love to Aubrey.’ Other comments included, ‘I also lost my partner this year and i didn’t expect this episode to be so comforting. I thought they would just ignore Aubrey’s grief as that is what most of my friends have done. It was nice to see everyone be so honest about it and not afraid of it,’ Aubrey’s analogy on grief absolutely wrecked me, It’s so spot on. I have never ever ever been able to describe grief or what it feels like until this perfect analogy!!!!!! You ladies are everything. So grateful to be able to watch this <3,’ I love that Amy at the end of the podcast is sharing Jeff filmography and encouraging people to watch. His movies will always be with us. I hope Aubrey finds peace, sending so much love to her,’ and ‘Amy is so protective of Aubrey and clearly loves her so much. I’m so glad she could give Aubrey some space to come back into the public eye on her own terms. ❤️’

While Baena wasn’t ever open about his own struggles with mental health, he did open up about how mental health affected his family. In fact, he wrote Horse Girl alongside Allison Brie and based the storyline on his family’s history with mental illness. In a Reddit exchange, Baena was asked about particular scene where the main character, played by Brie, who based her own character on her grandmother’s struggle with mental illness, being released from a mental institution and whether it was based on his own personal experience. Baena’s revealed that he watched his own stepmom suffer bipolar disorder. He wrote, ‘Unfortunately, people get released all the time when they still need treatment. The 72-hour mandatory hold only applies to patients who are a danger to themselves, so they must be released after that appraisal period.’ The filmmaker also stated that he wouldn’t consider the film ‘to be an activist film, the themes of how we as a society and individuals treat persons with mental illness was a major focus and impetus for making this.’

When it comes to mental health, there’s a great lack of understanding and fear. Inaccurate or misleading media representations of mental illness contribute to both those factors. I myself feel like I only have a greater awareness of exactly what it is and what it entails because I’d witnessed my mom struggle with it when I was growing up. It was a tough period in my life; probably the toughest in my life. And yet, I somehow feel grateful to have gone through it.

Even now, post-pandemic years, there’s still so much shame and stigma surrounding mental health. The roots of stigma are in human fear or ignorance. I’m not even making it about mental health in men or women; but in general. But just as long as we’re on the subject of men’s mental health, it’s been reported that six million men are affected by depression in the United States every single year. Men (79% of 38,364) die by suicide at a rate four times higher than women (Mental Health America [MHA], 2020). In fact, depression and suicide are ranked as a leading cause of death among men.

Men are more likely to die by suicide than women—a phenomenon known as the gender paradox in suicide—due to a complex interaction of social, cultural, and behavioral factors, including reluctance to seek help, traditional masculine norms, and the use of more lethal suicide methods. To break it down more thoroughly:

Key Contributing Factors

• Reluctance to Seek Help: Men are less likely to seek professional help for mental health problems compared to women, often due to societal expectations that they should be strong, stoic, and self-reliant. This delay in receiving care means that when men do enter the healthcare system, their conditions are often more severe.

• Masculine Norms and Stigma: Traditional gender roles often teach boys and men to suppress emotions, avoid vulnerability, and “man up” when facing difficulties. Admitting to mental health struggles can be perceived as a sign of weakness or failure, which contributes to a significant self-stigma that prevents them from reaching out for support.

• Coping Mechanisms: Instead of talking about their feelings, men may resort to harmful coping mechanisms, such as increased alcohol and substance abuse, risk-taking behaviors, and anger or irritability, which can mask underlying depression and exacerbate the problem.

• Method Lethality: While women are more likely to attempt suicide, men are more likely to die by suicide because they often use more immediately lethal methods, such as firearms or hanging. These methods offer less chance of intervention or survival, meaning a man’s first suicide attempt is often fatal.

• Social Isolation and Life Stressors: Men may experience a greater sense of isolation, especially after significant life events like job loss, financial pressures, or relationship breakdowns, which can be linked to their identity as a provider or problem-solver. 

Help and Support

It is crucial to be aware of the signs of mental distress in men, which can manifest as a shift in mood, social withdrawal, increased substance use, or expressions of hopelessness. 

If you or someone you know is struggling with mental health issues, confidential help is available:

• In Canada, you can call Talk Suicide Canada at 1-833-456-4566.

• In the US, you can contact a suicide and crisis hotline.

• International resources can be found on websites like the International Association for Suicide Prevention (IASP) or the Centre for Suicide Prevention. 

My mom and I just recently had an in-depth conversation on the topic of depression and the struggles that come along with it. The one thing we both agreed on was that the main reason why people go through such trials and tribulations in their struggles with mental health is because they feel so much shame in admitting to themselves that they need help. They struggle in silence because they feel too scared to ask for the help that they need to better themselves. They feel like if they admit to their feelings, they’d be made to feel like they’re less than. That’s why when someone who’s struggling opens up to you about their emotions, it’s important, even crucial, to stay calm and listen without judgment, showing empathy and patience. Encourage professional help, offering support to find a provider or go to appointments. For immediate crises, call emergency services if there is a risk of self-harm or harm to others, or use a crisis hotline like 988.  To break it down more thoroughly:

In the moment 

• Stay calm: Speak in a calm, clear, and slow voice. Avoid yelling or talking too fast. 

• Listen and validate: Let them talk without interruption. Acknowledge their feelings with phrases like, “I’m so sorry you’re feeling this way” instead of minimizing their experience. 

• Avoid judgment: Don’t lecture, judge their thoughts, or tell them to “snap out of it”. 

• Offer support: Ask how you can help or suggest simple things like sitting down or taking deep breaths. Offer to move to a more comfortable location if they are in an unfamiliar place. 

• Don’t reinforce or dismiss: If they are experiencing hallucinations, gently remind them who you are and why you are there, without confirming or denying what they are seeing or hearing. 

Encouraging professional help 

• Have an open discussion: Express your concerns honestly and encourage them to talk to a mental health professional. 

• Offer practical support: Help them find a therapist or doctor and offer to go with them to an appointment. 

• Be patient: Recognize that recovery can be a long process with setbacks. Your role is to support them, not to “fix” them. 

In a crisis 

• Prioritize safety: If they are at immediate risk of harming themselves or others, stay with them if it is safe to do so and get immediate professional help. 

• Call for emergency help: If the situation is life-threatening, call 911 (or your local emergency number) or take them to the nearest emergency room. 

• Use crisis lines: For immediate emotional support, you or the person can call or text 988 in the US and Canada to reach the Suicide & Crisis Lifeline. 

Jeff Baena’s passing, particularly the manner of his passing, is a reminder that mental health struggles can affect anyone, regardless of their public persona or apparent success. He was a successful writer and director, known as a “connector of people”. And yet, he STILL struggled. Mental illness is invisible, but it doesn’t make it less of a problem when it comes to health. Instead, it makes it even more of a difficult situation to overcome. His (former) wife’s openness of her grief experience can teach us that there is no single “right” way to grieve, no set timeline for healing, and that the pain never entirely disappears, but rather is carried differently over time. Plaza reflected that when facing death, people don’t think about their professional achievements but about their relationships. This suggests a lesson in prioritizing personal connections and loved ones over career demands. Sudden, unexpected loss, especially by suicide, compounds the trauma for survivors, leading to shock, disbelief, and confusion. It highlights the need for support systems when individuals are least prepared to cope with life-altering events. It’s okay to have your own personal feelings. There’s no right or wrong way to grieve. There’s only YOUR way to grieve.

For me, Baena’s death by suicide was a reminder of the real importance to never stop working on myself and my mental health. It doesn’t matter how much stigma there is surrounding brain health, because at the end of the day, brain health IS health. It’s EVERYTHING. I myself am a suicide survivor. But that doesn’t mean the work ended there. The work is constant. The work is never-ending. That’s why no matter what I do in my life, prioritizing myself and my brain health will always be at the top of my to-do list. And, as sad as it sounds, I have Jeff Baena to thank for the opportunity to be a part of this amazing work that I’m doing now… on myself.