Love After Divorce: How Season 4’s Benita And Jerome’s Unexpected Breakup Wasn’t Actually That Surprising – And How Self-Sabotage Is What Kills A Great Relationship

Writing about Love Life, which was led by Anna Kendrick and William Jackson Harper in their respective roles as Darby and Marcus, made me think about love and finding “The One”. Sometimes, who we think we’ll spend the rest of our lives with doesn’t turn out to be the right person for you, and honestly, that’s okay. People constantly change and evolve – some for the better, and others for the worst. Some don’t change at all, and others don’t know who they even are to be able to change.

As we discussed in the two previous blog entries, Marcus got divorced from his wife of almost a decade because he didn’t know who he was. The emotional affair he embarked on that led to their divorce was just a mere excuse for his behaviour towards his wife that really didn’t deserve the disrespectful nature of their separation. Darby, too, got divorced. She was married to Magnus, a man that was completely and utterly wrong for her. She only married him because she was afraid that she’d end up alone, and her finally having the courage to end the marriage was her realizing that it was better to be alone than with a man like Magnus. It was the most powerful move Darby had ever done for herself.

Unfolding Marcus and Darby’s respective divorces and everything they’d endured thereafter reminded me of another show – Love After Divorce, a Korean reality show where divorced men and women enter the Dolsing Village looking to date, cohabitate and find love again. It’s actually a great show. It offers a more mature and realistic look at dating compared to other reality shows, focusing on participants with real-life experience from past marriages. Viewers enjoy the genuine and often wholesome interactions, finding the “slow burn” of the relationships and the participants’ seasoned perspectives to be a compelling watch. The unscripted format aims to capture raw and authentic drama, leading to both surprising twists and heartwarming moments of support among the cast. To break it down more thoroughly:

Mature and realistic perspective

• Experienced participants: The show features divorced singles, so participants often have a more seasoned and realistic view of the challenges and realities of marriage, which can be insightful for viewers.

• Genuine interactions: The unscripted format encourages authentic conversations and emotional moments, making the relationships feel more genuine and less manufactured. 

Engaging and wholesome content 

• Wholesome vibe: Many viewers find the show to be more wholesome than other American reality dating shows, creating a more endearing and less dramatic viewing experience.

• Emotional investment: The focus on emotional depth and the participants’ desire for remarriage helps viewers become invested in their journeys and root for them to find love again. 

Captivating drama and entertainment

• Raw drama: The lack of scripting, with only minimal guidance provided to the participants, leads to genuine drama, surprising twists, and “mind games” as they navigate their new relationships.

• Supportive community: Despite the dating competition, a supportive community often forms between the housemates, which provides both drama and heartwarming moments of camaraderie. 

Notice how, in my description of the series, I didn’t mention that they were looking for happiness following going through a divorce. There’s a reason for it, and it’s that divorce CAN be what brings you happiness to begin with, especially if it was the wrong person you were married to the entire time.

Happiness following a divorce can look different on everyone. Divorce means starting your life completely over. The trauma that comes with such a change in the circumstances of your life is a definite sign of the endless work that needs to constantly be put in place to find love again. That love doesn’t necessarily have to be love between two people. It can be the love for one self, love between family, love between friends, or other.

When you fall out of love with someone, you want to do everything you can to find love all around you. It might seem like I’m simply talking out of my ass as I’m not divorced myself. I’ve been married to my husband for 9 years; together for 14 years altogether. I can’t say that all 14 of those years were happy. There were instances in our relationship where we did, in fact, consider getting a divorce. No relationship is ever smooth-sailing ALL the time. But in every hurdle, we always chose each other. In every hurdle, we were both willing to do the work necessary on ourselves so that we’d never have to doubt one another.

Divorce can be a means of love too. Divorce can be a means to choose love too, just like choosing to stay in a marriage is a means of love. Divorce is a means of choosing one-self. It’s choosing to love yourself by getting out of a situation where you don’t feel like you’re loved in the way that you should be loved. But in many ways, love doesn’t end in divorce. You can still love a person but not be IN love with that person. You can love a person and not want to be with them. You can love a person and know in your heart and soul that you’re just not right for each other and staying together would only mean living an unfulfilled life.

A few days ago, my husband and I were at a dinner party with friends. Someone asked my husband, ‘What is your definition of happiness and joy?’ It’s a question that has lingered on in his mind for a while now. But the answer is pretty simple. It’s knowing that he has me and our son by his side. It’s coming home to us and knowing that he’s coming home to a place which brings him peace and comfort. It’s knowing that he’s coming can be the best husband that he can be. It’s knowing that he’s coming can be the best father he can be to our son. It’s knowing that he can give the kind of love to me that he never witnessed his own father give to either one of his wives. It’s knowing that he’s coming can make our son’s childhood memories so much greater than the one his own father did for him. It’s knowing that he can bring so much love and happiness to our son than his own father did to him his entire life. It’s knowing that he’s coming has good people around him that love him and care for him; people that bring him joy in the little things. In hindsight, the things that bring him happiness and joy are the things that are usually taken for granted.

The reason why I’ve refused to give up on my husband, apart from him not ever giving up on me despite having many reasons to do so, is because he’s never stopped trying. He’s never stopped trying to better himself. It’s not that he’s a perfect person. It’s that he’s perfect for me. It’s that he’s right for me; just like I’m right for him. Some would disagree on it. My father-in-law certainly would. From the very moment he saw me, he did everything he could to make my husband see that there was plenty of more fish in the sea – better than me. What he failed to realize was that it wasn’t HIS decision as to how my husband chose to live his life.

After years and years of my father-in-law trying to control the narrative of my husband’s life and destiny, my husband decided to go completely no-contact with him two and a half years ago. My husband wrote him an email explaining exactly why. Instead of taking accountability for his actions, or lack thereof, and apologizing for his wrongdoings, he now puts the blame for their estrangement on others, and that includes me. At the end of the day, none of it matters; not anymore. It’s not my responsibility to fix things or make my father-in-law accept me. I only care that my husband accepts me. They say that when you marry someone, you marry their family. This was never the case for me. It was, however, for my husband, especially when it comes to my parents. They’re the parental figures that he so desperately craved to have had in his life.

One couple from Love After Divorce who was seen having their relationship be somewhat deflated and defined by family is Jerome and Benita. Though they showed their support for the union, their opinions and feelings of their relationship certainly had an impact on their future. Benita was nervous to see Jerome’s parents at first, but was comforted as she saw them before in the United States. She also put an emphasis on her own relationship with her parents by saying that they always respected her choices. Their relationship was heavily influenced by their families through parental approval and differing family backgrounds/expectations, which ultimately highlighted some of their compatibility issues. To break down Benita and Jerome’s families and how they influenced their relationship more thoroughly:

• Parental Approval: Jerome successfully won over Benita’s parents, a key step in their relationship journey on the show. Her father, however, initially gave Jerome a tentative 60% approval rating, a moment which suggested some initial reservations or a cautious approach to their fast-moving relationship. Jerome also introduced Benita to his own mother.

• Differing Backgrounds and Expectations: Reddit discussions and show snippets point to potential differences in the couple’s family backgrounds and associated expectations.
  • Benita’s Background: Benita is described as being from a wealthy family, a factor that some fans speculated might have influenced her expectations for a partner’s financial status and stability.
  • Jerome’s Career: Jerome is a Business Relationship Manager at a Fortune 500 bank and a former musician. While he has a stable job, some online speculation suggested Benita might have had reservations about his job not being “to her level,” or potentially about dating someone who had been in the public eye.

• Supportive Dynamic (Initially): Despite any underlying issues, the couple initially presented a united front, showing they could “team up and find common ground” even in trying times, which likely included navigating family opinions. 

Sadly, Benita and Jerome announced their separation this past September. Rumour has it that it wasn’t due to their family dynamics, but rather other challenges, including a lack of trust and transparency related to general life choices. In a social media post, Jerome wrote announcing the split, ‘I’m very thankful and sorry to everyone who has supported us until now. From now on, please cheer for Benita and Jerome separately, not together. Thank you for the two years you spent with me. We had our ups and downs, but I would say there were mostly ups. You occupied a big part of my life. This is my last piece of advice: drink plenty of water, don’t eat too late, and don’t lie down right after eating. You have to stay healthy~ Thank you and sorry…’ Benita, on her part, wrote her own message to fans, ‘We met in a special way, spent meaningful time together, and received so much support. But we’ve decided to part ways with gratitude in our hearts. It’s not out of resentment—it’s a decision for better lives for both of us.’

Who’s ever to say that someone could get it right the first time, or even the second time? Heck, Elizabeth Taylor was married 8 (!) times. Marriage doesn’t guarantee a ‘happily-ever-after’. It doesn’t guarantee a forever with one person for the rest of your life. This outdated notion is a whole bunch of nonsense bullshit brought by the business of Hollywood and rom-com movies. On the contrary, marriage is a leap of faith to keep going and never give up on each other even when times are tough. Common causes of divorce include lack of commitment, infidelity, and constant conflict, which often stem from deeper issues like poor communication, financial problems, and unrealistic expectations. Other significant factors include marrying too young, substance abuse, domestic violence, and growing apart. To break it down more thoroughly:

Major causes

• Lack of commitment: This is consistently cited as a top reason, and can manifest as a lack of effort in the relationship, poor communication, or a diminished desire to work through problems.

• Infidelity: Unfaithfulness, both physical and emotional, is a leading cause of divorce because it severely erodes trust and emotional security.

• Conflict and arguing: Constant, unresolved conflict or “irreconcilable differences” can take a toll on a marriage and lead to divorce. 

Other significant factors

• Financial problems: Issues related to money, debt, or financial disagreements are a major source of stress and conflict.

• Marrying too young: Studies show that marrying at a younger age is associated with a higher divorce rate.

• Substance abuse: Alcohol or drug addiction can put immense strain on a marriage.

• Lack of communication: Inability to communicate effectively or a spouse being unresponsive to the other’s needs is a significant factor.

• Unrealistic expectations: Having unrealistic expectations about a partner or marriage can lead to disappointment and conflict.

• Domestic violence: Physical, emotional, or verbal abuse is a major cause of divorce and can have devastating effects on a marriage.

• Growing apart: Couples may drift apart and no longer feel they are compatible or have shared goals. 

Benita and Jerome, or Jenita, as fans referred them as, were each other’s second chance at love. Jerome was previously married to choreographer and businesswoman Bae Yoon-jung, who herself has since gotten married to  Bae Yun-jung married Seo Kyung-hwan, a non-celebrity soccer coach 11 years younger, and together they have a son, born in 2022. Despite their split, the two remained on friendly terms. They even lived together for a short time following their breakup, and Bae Yoon-jung supported him joining the show, as well his relationship with Benita. He revealed that before he joined Love After Divorce, he’d asked her for permission as she’s a public figure and would obviously be mentioned. She gave him her blessing. And of her current husband’s reaction, Jerome said, ‘He cheered me on. He said he hoped I’d meet a really nice woman and be happy. He said he watches the show too. He knows I have high standards and told me not to be a loner.’

I recently rewatched the clip where Jerome tells fellow cast mates of his past career in the entertainment industry and of his ex-wife. More particularly, I remember seeing Benita’s facial expression as he was talking about his background. I could see the agony in her eyes; the worry; the fear; the pain; the scarce and helpless feeling of sadness. There was a sense of self-sabotage in her eyes. It was as though, as Jerome was telling others of his background, she began to fear that she wasn’t good enough for him.

Self-sabotaging a relationship involves engaging in behaviors, whether consciously or unconsciously, that harm or destroy a connection, often due to past trauma or fear. Common signs include criticism, holding grudges, emotional unavailability, pushing a partner away, and gaslighting. To stop self-sabotaging, you can cultivate self-awareness, work on open communication, and seek professional support to address the underlying issues. To break it down more thoroughly:

Signs of self-sabotaging behavior

• Emotional and physical unavailability: Shutting down emotionally, being distant, or avoiding intimacy.

• Testing a partner’s commitment: Pushing a partner away to see if they will leave.

• Constant criticism and negativity: Focusing on your partner’s flaws and setting unrealistic expectations.

• Holding grudges: Refusing to let go of past hurts and bringing them up in current arguments.

• Gaslighting: Denying your partner’s reality or experiences to make them doubt themselves.

• Avoiding conflict: Stonewalling or giving the silent treatment instead of addressing issues.

• Not communicating: Giving mixed signals, being passive-aggressive, or avoiding conversations about the relationship.

• Serial dating: Consistently dating unavailable people or leaving relationships before they can get serious. 

Reasons for self-sabotage

• Fear of abandonment, rejection, or getting hurt.

• Past negative relationship experiences or trauma.

• Low self-esteem or a negative self-concept.

• Unrealistic expectations or perfectionism.

• Difficulty trusting a partner or the relationship itself. 

How to stop the cycle

• Increase self-awareness: Pay attention to your feelings and behaviors in the relationship to recognize patterns.

• Communicate openly: Talk to your partner honestly about your fears and triggers.

• Build trust: Work on building trust with your partner by being more reliable and vulnerable.

• Address the root causes: Explore the underlying fears and past experiences that may be driving your behavior.

• Seek professional help: Consider therapy to help identify and change self-sabotaging patterns. 

Perhaps Benita’s self-sabotaging was the main reason why she was so nervous to meet Jerome’s family. It was so painful to watch. Here was a beautiful, sweet, loving, good woman that Jerome had fully accepted as a life-partner, and instead of embracing it, she was scared of potentially not getting the approval of his family – people whose opinions really shouldn’t matter. The only thing she should’ve really cared about was Jerome fully accepting her, which he did.

I have no doubt in my mind that Benita and Jerome loved one another. They would’ve made a great team and built a wonderful life together that could’ve lasted a lifetime had it not been for Benita’s constant self-sabotaging in her relationship. One of the most important things I learned in my own relationship is that, as a woman, knowing your worth and having the confidence to make it as your own person is the key to a successful relationship. I know I’m good enough for my life partner. I know I’m worthy of him. I know I deserve him. I know he fully accepts me, just as I am. I know who I am and I know my worth. My partner has never tried to change me; only to make me better. And vice versa. That’s one of the main reasons why our relationship works.

Maybe It was too soon for Benita to get back into the dating-game after her divorce. Maybe she still needed to find herself and who she was before she could fully embrace another person in her life. Jerome was a good man. He just wanted to find a loving woman to spend the rest of his life with; and he was fully ready for it. There was nothing holding him back in doing so…except for Benita. Them not working out as a couple doesn’t make either one of them bad people. It just means they weren’t ready. It just means more work on self-love needs to be had. and so, with all that being said, I wish them nothing but the best – not as a couple, but as two separate people living separate lives.