Emma Watson: How A Woman Getting Married CAN Feel Violent – The History Of Marriage From The Very Beginning Up Until Now

As I was writing about Christina Haack’s “failed” relationship with her third husband, Josh Hall, I was reminded of another successful woman who’s been married three times, and that woman is Scarlett Johansson. She’s recently been in the news a lot as she released her directorial debut, Eleanor the Great, earlier this year. The movie stars June Squibb as Eleanor Morgenstein, a 94-year-old Floridian woman, who strikes up an unlikely friendship with a 19-year-old student in New York City. It covers such themes as aging, Jewish identity, grief, and friendship.

Most recently, Johansson opened up of her beginnings with third husband Colin Jost. But before ever hitting the ground of success that has now, both in her personal AND professional life, she was married to Ryan Reynolds. Of their union, she told Vanity Fair in 2019, ‘I mean, the first time I got married I was 23 years old. I didn’t really have an understanding of marriage. Maybe I kind of romanticized it, I think, in a way.’ She’s obviously come a long way since then. On Gwyneth Paltrow’s podcast, she opened up on her marriage to Jost, ‘I didn’t know what I wanted or needed from somebody else. I never realised, ‘Oh, it’s really important for me—I need to be with a compassionate person.’ That’s a fundamental characteristic that has to be there. I think that understanding what those fundamental things are that you need in a partner is a must, I think—for longevity, anyway. I think identifying those things was a game-changer for me.’

I can’t emphasize enough how crucial it is to know yourself and know exactly what you want in a partnership before getting married. This in itself can help you understand what really matters to you. I myself knew absolutely nothing about marriage before I’d gotten married, and honestly, if my husband and I didn’t have the support that we’d gotten from my parents, even before we’d gotten married, I don’t think our marriage would’ve survived the test of time. We’d gone through so much life together even before we got married, and in hindsight, that life was what made my husband so 100% sure that he wanted to marry me.

Emma Watson of the 2000’s Harry Potter movie franchise told Jay Shetty recently her own personal views on marriage. She said, ‘I’m just so happy not to be divorced yet. That sounds like a really negative answer, but I think that we’re being pressured and forced into this thing that I believe is a kind of miracle. I might never be worthy of it. I hope it happens to me. But I don’t feel entitled to it. It will either be part of my purpose here and my destiny, or it won’t. And I think the way we treat it is though, “Well, why haven’t you?” And this is something that has to happen in this certain time span and at a certain age, in this kind of way. It’s the least romantic thing I can possibly think of. Truly, if I had tried to get married at any point, basically, before about a year ago, it would have been carnage. I just didn’t know myself well enough yet. I didn’t have a clear enough idea of my purpose, my vision, like, how I was going to be of service. I didn’t know where I really felt like I needed to be. I think I have some of those answers now. So when I meet someone, I can say [now], “Hi, I’m Emma. This is what I care about. This is where the people I love the most live. This is where it’s meaningful for me to be in the world.” And then they can decide whether they can see that there’s a way that I can serve what they’re trying to do, and they can serve what I’m trying to do. But before that, they would have just got a very mixed signal. There’s some parts of me that have stayed utterly consistent. But there are some parts that, like, I was really still teasing out and figuring out. And I think it’s such a violence and it’s such a cruelty on people—and especially young people, and especially women—to make them feel like they have no worth, or like they haven’t succeeded yet in life, because they haven’t forced to its culmination something that I just don’t think can or should ever be forced. It’s something that honestly, I feel like I’ve had to earn, I’ve had to work for, to be in a place where I feel like I can look someone in the eye and be able to tell them who I am, and to have some idea—and it will change and grow—of what I want and what I’m here to do. That takes work. I have really sat with myself in a lot of discomfort and asked myself a lot of very difficult questions to be at that point. It hasn’t happened to me yet.’

Violence is a word that I bolded in Watson’s quote. While marriage is now, thankfully, considered to be a choice, it was most certainly not the case back in the olden days. Marriage first emerged around 2350 BC in the Far East of Asia. Getting married wasn’t about love, but rather about stability. Early farming communities needed smaller, manageable family units to make things work, so “one woman to one man” made a lot of sense.

Marriage was introduced as means of connecting families and secure economic benefits. The types of marriages range from monogamy to polygamy, with customs shaped by historical and religious influences. Marriage was a transaction rather than it being about romance. Most ancient societies needed a secure environment for the perpetuation of the species, a system of rules to handle the granting of property rights, and the protection of bloodlines, and the institution of marriage handled these needs. Throughout history, marriages were done by proxy, some involves a dowry (the bride’s family giving money or presents to the groom or his family), and some requires a bride price (the groom or his family giving money or a present to the bride’s family). In these cases, few marriages included a pre-nuptial courtship or dating, but most had deeply-rooted traditions.

When we first meet someone, we put all our time, effort and energy into learning about them that we forget to continue learning about ourselves. This is exactly why relationships fall apart. Knowing ourselves in the context of relationships is the most powerful tool we’ll ever have to engaging in successful partnership. This won’t mean that a divorce won’t be in the cards, but definitely less likely. When we know ourselves, the more we know what we’re looking for in a partner. The more we know ourselves, the less likely we are to marry the wrong person. That’s why it’s so important to take your time in a relationship and not rush into anything that you’ll essentially regret.

The modern attitude towards marriage is that it’s a partnership between two people; whether it be a man and a woman, two men, or two women in a partnership. Catholic marriage, however, is anything but a partnership. It’s not 50-50 and it’s not intended to be a quid-pro-quo arrangement. If we take on marriage aspired by the Catholic faith, it will feel like a prison; a violent prison that slowly kills you – much like Watson spoke of. Much like a catholic faith-based ‘constitution’, marriage can also feel like a violent poison if you marry the wrong person. My previous blog entry spoke of Christina Haack’s marriages – particularly her third marriage to Josh Hall. She is, in essence, the epitome of what happens to a woman when she marries the wrong person, and she herself previously said in an interview with People that she’d gotten married so fast because she felt that she was on a timeline.

Millennials, the generation that Emma Watson is a part of, is the generation that’s the least likely to get married. This is because this is the generation that’s afraid, if even say petrified of divorce. This is also the generation that is absolutely petrified to fall in love with someone. Mostly, it has to do with their parents. Boomers have the highest divorce rate of any living generation and it’s had an effect on how their kids approach marriage, which is: cautiously and less often.

The pain that comes with divorce continues into adulthood, and the suffering that comes with it isn’t lessened even if the child experienced a “good divorce.” But let’s face it, reality is that there is absolutely no such thing as a good divorce. Divorce can bring endless amounts of emotions to the forefront for a family, and the children involved are no different. Feelings of loss, anger, confusion, anxiety, and many others, all may come from this transition. Divorce can leave the children involved feeling overwhelmed and emotionally sensitive. That said, millennials are afraid to commit because the mere idea of being with the wrong person and feeling like they’re being violently poisoned is scary.

My husband and I had both gone through it ourselves. My parents are still married, but separated twice in my lifetime. They never went through divorce proceedings and the legality that comes with it. And yet, none of it made it less harder for me. Living in such a hostile environment at home where two people closest you obviously can’t stand the sight of one another can become emotionally draining and crippling. Them getting back together only confuses me. Like, why even have me go through all the bullshit and trauma TWICE if you were just going to get back together? My husband’s parents’ divorce really shattered his perspectives on love and partnership that he could give and receive from a woman. Moreover, seeing what a shitty person and shitty treatment his own father gave his partners made him question everything about himself.

We were two people in love that had no business getting married, but somehow, we took a leap of faith and managed to make it work. The phrase which states that “love is not enough” compresses the idea that emotional attachment is necessary but not sufficient. A durable marriage requires translating love into consistent actions, compatible systems, and adaptive skills to handle inevitable stresses and differences over time. Love is, of course, a vital component in a marriage, but it’s not enough to make a marriage last. Other essential events of making a marriage work are commitment, communication, trust, mutual respect, compromise, shared values, emotional intelligence, and conflict resolution.

It takes maturity, age, and experience to be able to make the right choices and actions in your marriage to truly make it work. It takes wisdom, understanding and knowledge to make your marriage work. That said, marriage is hard work. It shouldn’t just be part of a checklist in how our lives should turn out. It shouldn’t be an obligation to get married as though it’s the only thing that will make us happy. That was the point Watson was trying to make in her interview with Jay Shetty. Marriage should be a choice. Marriage should be something we do because we WANT the person; not because we need them.

Women in their 30s are choosing not to marry due to increased career focus, financial independence, a desire for self-growth, and a rejection of traditional roles, prioritizing personal fulfillment and avoiding settling for incompatible partners or the unequal burden of domestic labor often seen in marriage. They value autonomy, quality of life, and are delaying commitment until they find a truly suitable match, often finding joy and wholeness in single life. To break it down more thoroughly:

Key Reasons for Choosing Not to Marry

• Career & Financial Independence: Stronger educational/career opportunities mean women can be financially secure and independent, reducing the perceived necessity of marriage for stability.

• Personal Growth & Self-Discovery: Focusing on self-development, healing from past relationships, and defining personal meaning before committing to a lifelong partnership.

• Avoiding Settling: Not wanting to marry just for the sake of it, but waiting for a genuinely compatible partner with shared values and goals, especially regarding finances, life goals, and emotional connection.

• Rejection of Traditional Roles: A desire to avoid the potential imbalance where women disproportionately shoulder caretaking and housework, a common complaint in marriage.

• Empowerment in Singlehood: Viewing being single as a choice for self-love, empowerment, and authenticity, rather than a failure or delay.

• Negative Experiences: Avoiding potential infidelity, manipulation, or feeling unappreciated, often stemming from past difficult relationships or observing marital dissatisfaction.

• Changing Societal Norms: Cohabitation is normalized, and the pressure to marry by a certain age is lessening as women find fulfillment in other life paths like travel, passions, or career. 

Broader Context

• Shift from “Completeness”: Modern women aren’t waiting for a partner to “complete” them; they are already whole and seeking partners to enhance their lives, not define them.

• Focus on Quality: Prioritizing a high-quality, respectful relationship over a traditional marriage structure that might not align with their modern values. 

Lucy Hale of Pretty Little Liars just recently opened up about her decision to not get married despite being in her 30’s. In an interview on the Know Thyself podcast with André Duqum, Hale said, ‘I’m 36. I’m not married and I don’t have kids. You know I’ve been greeted with a lot recently within my world of people being like, ‘Oh,’ and I just feel like there’s a lot of women who probably need to hear that it’s okay to not have that at this point in your life. I have seen so many people in my life settle down, have kids, have the family and that’s beautiful and that’s amazing, and I know that’s part of my life soon, it isn’t yet. I do believe that there are big lessons within being alone at this time in your life. There’s nothing wrong with it. I think if you are at a place in your life when you feel alone or you are single, I am willing to bet [that] you are called towards something really, really amazing. So like enjoy the time with yourself. And I feel like maybe the world is trying to tell you something. I feel like society tries to tell us that we need certain things in order to live a fulfilled life. Basically, just don’t compare your journey to anyone else’s.’

Being married is great. Having a child with that person is great. But all that is ONLY true when you know you’re sharing your whole life with the right person. I’m saying this as a woman who knows that she’s married and has built a life with the right person. I’m just lucky that I found the person that’s right for me early in my life. It’s a rarity. I found someone who not only loves me, but respects me, values me, appreciates me, communicates with me, fights for me, compromises with me, and grows with me. Not everyone is as lucky as I am in that department, and when you don’t have that in a partner, it’s honestly best to stay single than get married to the wrong person just because it’s what society expects and then get divorced.

There’s actually something so beautiful in staying single. Being single is often better than marrying the wrong person because it offers peace, fosters self-growth, independence, and stronger social ties, while a bad marriage drains energy, diminishes self-worth, causes stress, and leads to unhappiness, making solitude a path to freedom and fulfillment rather than a deficit. It prevents being stuck in a toxic dynamic, allowing you to build a life aligned with your true values and wait for a genuinely compatible partner. To break it down more thoroughly:

Benefits of being single

• Peace & Happiness: You avoid constant conflict, stress, and emotional drain, leading to greater overall happiness and life satisfaction than being in a bad relationship.

• Personal Growth: You have the freedom to focus on yourself, pursue passions, develop independence, and build self-sufficiency.

• Stronger Social Connections: Singles often have wider, more active social networks and deeper connections with friends and family.

• Freedom & Control: You are your own boss, making choices about your life, finances, travel, and time without needing a second opinion or compromise.

• Self-Discovery: Solitude provides space for self-discovery and understanding your own needs and values. 

Risks of marrying the wrong person

• Emotional Toll: A bad relationship can be a source of anxiety, unhappiness, and emotional distress, significantly impacting mental health.

• Drained Energy: Toxic dynamics consume significant energy that could be used for personal happiness or growth.

• Diminished Self-Worth: Being with someone who doesn’t value you can erode your self-esteem and self-respect.

• Stifled Life: You might feel trapped, unable to build the life you want, or compromise your aspirations for a mismatched partner. 

The takeaway

• Quality over Quantity: It’s better to wait for a relationship that truly aligns with your core values and brings genuine happiness, rather than settling.

• Singlehood is a Valid Choice: Being single isn’t a failure; it’s a different, equally valid way to live a full and meaningful life, offering unique opportunities for fulfillment. 

Actress Shailene Woodley, also in her 30’s, recently shared that her previous relationship with Aaron Rodgers caused her to lose her soul, happiness, and joy in her life, as she felt depressed was at her lowest because of him. The two dated for two years and were engaged. The best thing she could ever do for herself was not to marry him, especially as being with him made her feel the way it did. She went on to date Emily In Paris star Lucas Bravo, but the two broke up after 6 months together earlier this year.

Woodley was gravely mocked online for her short-lived romance with the French actor, and I was honestly in disbelief by it. Men don’t get this type of scrutiny. Women do. No matter what they do or how they choose to live their lives, they do. Unless they’re married by a certain age, even if it’s to the wrong person, and have at least two children, they get scrutinized to the core. It’s a sad reality, but nonetheless, it’s a reality. This is exactly what Watson meant by labeling this pressure as violent in her interview with Jay Shetty.

Time and time again, women get married to the wrong men and get divorced. By choosing not to get married at all by the time they’re 30, women decide they don’t want to make that mistake. They don’t want to get married just to get married. They want to get married to the right person and for the right reasons.

That is all…