Julie Kovalenko: All That That Goes Into Mending A Broken Relationship Between A Parent And Their Adult Child Following A Long Estrangement – And Why A Reconciliation Shouldn’t Always Be The End Result

I’m a huge fan of Ted Danson. My husband and I were particularly such big fans of The Good Place, which also starred Kristen Bell, that we watched it not once, but TWICE. We’ve seen watched so many of the works of the main cast since then, such as Bell’s Nobody Wants This, streaming now on Netflix, which also stars Adam Brody. Another Netflix show that stars an alumni of The Good Place is Man On The Inside, starring Danson. It follows Charles, a retired professor who gets a new lease on life when a private investigator hires him to go undercover inside a San Francisco retirement home.

The private investigator that hired him was Julie Kovalenko, played by Lilah Richcreek. Not much is known about Julie in season 1. She’s shamelessly barely seen in the first season. We know that she’s a somewhat of a cold, no-bullshit-allowed type of person. But we don’t know what exactly made her that way. By season 2, we get to know Julie on a much deeper level and of her background. That’s where she navigates a tense, estranged relationship with her mother, Vanessa (Constance Marie), a woman with a criminal past who previously neglected her. Their professional collaboration on cases forces a confrontation with this trauma, leading to a complex reconciliation by the season’s end.

Key Details on the Relationship:

• Background: Julie has long been estranged from her mother, Vanessa, who is described as having destroyed Julie’s childhood.

• The Connection: Julie reluctantly uses Vanessa for help with cases, maintaining a strained, primarily professional, and cautious relationship with her.

• Season 2 Focus: The season explores this emotional backstory, revealing that Julie’s stern, protective nature stems from her upbringing and the void left by her mother.

• Reconciliation: Despite the deep-seated issues and tense, “rushed” moments, the second season concludes with Vanessa and Julie reconciling.

Julie was an intense character. She was initially very hard to read. As a viewer, you wanted to get to know her. You wanted her to allow herself to open her heart. But she was always stone-cold. She didn’t allow anyone in. No matter how much anyone tried, she didn’t cave. It seemed as though she didn’t care about anyone; like she was selfish. We then learn, however, that she was actually afraid. She was afraid to let anyone in. She was emotionally unavailable, with high walls and strict boundaries. She’s a dedicated PI who treats cases with cold, professional efficiency, which contrasts sharply with Charles’s heartfelt approach to the residents at the retirement home.

Lilah Richcreek herself described the character as being a “little dark,” “moody,” and “chaotic” (a mix of Scorpio/Aries energy). This complexity made her more than just a plot-driving handler. Her mother was a former con artist, and it landed her in jail when Julie was 11. She was still dealing with the trauma as an adult, having divulged into her work in order to avoid her problems. Despite her tough exterior, she showed deep empathy, particularly when navigating her relationship with Charles, as she was able to relate to his personal struggles with aging family members. 

Throughout the second season, Julie attempted to reconnect with her mother following years of estrangement. But it proved to be difficult. She was angry at what her mother’s choices led to in her own life. She resented the life she could’ve had. It was the most evident during the Thanksgiving holiday episode. Charles had invited Julie and her mother to his Thanksgiving dinner after she called him asking him how to cook a turkey.

Charles became somewhat of a parental figure to Julie – something she was missing all her life. She didn’t have the mentorship, guidance, or experience of unconditional love and support from an adult figure in her life. She found that in Charles. He brought a human element to her cold, professional, and workaholic approach to cases. He provided her with investigative notes (often filled with unrelated details like the weather) that, despite his initial lack of experience, help solve the cases at hand. While Julie acted as his mentor and trainer, she initially viewed him with a degree of apathy. Over time, however, their relationship evolved from boss/undercover-mole to a close bond – father-daughter like bond. By the end of Season 2, she relied on him for high-stakes investigations, such as a case at a university. Charles, in essence, filled a void in Julie’s life by providing her with the “eyes and ears” she needed to operate, while she gave him a renewed sense of purpose after the death of his wife. 

The Thanksgiving holiday episode in season 2 was particularly heartbreaking – not just for Julie, but her mother as well. Vanessa, Julie’s mother, was really trying to do right by Julie. She knew she fucked up. She knew she had a lot of making up to do. She knew it wouldn’t be easy to get Julie to forgive her for all the harm she’d caused. But she was really, really trying. No matter how much Julie pushed her away, Vanessa never gave up on hope for a second chance. She knew she had to work hard to regain Julie’s trust, and she was willing to do anything to make it happen.

Julie’s relationship with her mother paralleled the one Charles shared with his own daughter, Emily. During the Thanksgiving episode, Julie and Emily connected in a meaningful way following the messy dinner scene. It was Emily who encouraged Julie to forgive her mother for her wrongdoings following Julie’s angered reaction to Vanessa’s speech at the dinner table. The encouragement, in my eyes, was flawed. Emily had good intentions, of course. But her encouragement was based on her own personal feelings rather even trying to understand where Julie’s anger was coming from. All it took for Julie to give her mother a chance was for Emily to say, ‘You only get one mom.’

Emily’s advice would’ve been nice if it was a perfect world they were living in. In the real, non fictional world, there’s no such thing. There’s no such thing as forgiving your parents just because you have one mom or one dad. Forgiveness, as well as trust, has to be earned. It’s not automatically a right that a mother or a father has just because he or she made you. It wasn’t Emily’s place to tell Julie to forgive her mother just simply because she “only got one mom”. She had no right to give Julie her two cents about a matter she absolutely nothing about.

At the same time, however, I understand why Emily would give that unsolicited speech on how Julie had one mother and hence should forgive her. It’s the advice so many people tried to give my husband when he tried to tell them of their complicated relationship, which is now, like Julie’s was with her mother at the beginning of season 2, non-existent. ‘But he’s your dad,’ they’d say. It doesn’t fucking matter. He wasn’t good to him. He was a deadbeat father. A bad excuse for one. If there was anyone who shouldn’t have been a father to begin with, it was him.

Reconciling with a parent after no-contact requires a slow, intentional process focused on self-reflection, accountability, and rebuilding trust through small, consistent steps. It often involves initiating contact with low-pressure, written communication, actively listening to the child’s perspective without defensiveness, and respecting new boundaries to create a healthier future. To break it down more thoroughly:

Key Steps for Reconciliation

• Self-Reflection and Accountability: Parents must look inward to identify the behaviors that led to the estrangement and accept responsibility for their part, rather than relying on “two sides to every story” defenses.

• Initiate Contact Carefully: A simple, direct, and low-pressure letter or message expressing a desire to reconnect is recommended.

• Active Listening: If contact is accepted, the parent must be prepared to listen to their child’s feelings and experiences without becoming defensive or trying to “correct” memories.

• Respect Boundaries: Rebuilding trust requires respecting the new, firm boundaries set by the child, even if they feel restrictive.

• Slow and Steady Progress: Rushing the process often backfires. It is crucial to proceed gently, allowing the relationship to rebuild over time.

• Seek Professional Help: Family therapy or individual counseling can provide a neutral space for navigating the complexities of reconciliation. 

Important Considerations

• Let Go of “Owed” Respect: Reconsider the belief that a parent is inherently owed a relationship, as this often hinders reconciliation.

• Focus on the Future: Instead of litigating past events, focus on creating a new, healthier dynamic.

• Respect the Decision: If the child isn’t ready or willing to reconnect, their decision must be respected

Studies indicate 30-40% of estrangements see some level of reconciliation, though the quality of these reconnected relationships varies from person to person. In my previous blog entry, Brooklyn Beckham’s estrangement with his parents, David and Victoria Beckham, was the subject matter. On his Instagram Story revelations, he was very adamant that he had no interest whatsoever in reconciling with them, and I completely understand where he’s coming from.

There’s no such thing as a perfect parent; or a perfect child for that matter. People make mistakes. It’s inevitable. But when a parent disrupts your peace, that’s when you need to draw a line. Parent-child estrangement is an increasingly common yet rarely discussed reality, with profound emotional and societal impacts. It took my husband years to finally decide to go no contact with my father-in-law. He kept hoping things would change; that things would be better between them; that my father-in-law would become a better person. My husband believed in him like no other.

Respect wasn’t ever something my father-in-law ever knew how to give. Not to my husband or anyone else for that matter. Everything was on his terms, and everyone under all circumstances had to accommodate him. In all grace and glory, he’s always the victim in every single situation. Even in the estrangement between him and my husband, he blames everyone but himself. That’s only portion of the exact reason why my husband refuses to ever reconcile with him. He can’t ever take responsibility for his wrongdoings. He can’t ever admit to his faults and say, “I’m sorry, I fucked up.” In his tiny little mind, it’s everyone else that needs to apologize.

This leads me to go back to the subject of parent-child estrangement as seen on A Man On The Inside. Whether Vanessa deserved Julie’s forgiveness is a point of debate, with many fans of the Netflix show finding the reconciliation rushed or the damage too severe. To break it down more thoroughly:

Here is a breakdown of the perspectives on their relationship:

• The Case Against Forgiveness (Vanessa’s Faults): Vanessa is portrayed as having destroyed Julie’s childhood by going to prison and being largely absent. While she expresses regret, her past actions (and initial, somewhat manipulative re-entry into Julie’s life) make her a difficult figure to immediately forgive.

• The Case for Forgiveness (Vanessa’s Growth): The show portrays Vanessa with deep regret, attempting to make amends and work through the inevitable damage done to her daughter. The narrative aims to highlight both women working to repair a broken bond.

• The Viewer/Narrative Perspective: Many viewers found the resolution to their conflict rushed and “unearned” by the end of the season. Furthermore, some audience members viewed the reconciliation as complex, acknowledging that while Julie was cruel to her mother at times (notably in the Thanksgiving episode), the long-term pain caused by her mother was significant. 

Ultimately, the show presents a nuanced take where both characters must put in work to overcome past traumas, leaving it to the viewer to decide if Vanessa’s efforts were enough. I did believe she deserved Julie’s forgiveness because I saw a remorse in her that my husband hadn’t seen in my father-in-law. I do, however, agree that the reconciliation between the mother and daughter was rushed. But it’s also not entirely the show’s fault. After all, each season only has 8 episodes. In real-life, a reconciliation between an adult child and their parent(s) doesn’t happen that fast. It takes time, patience and a lot of work and effort – from both parties.

If there was anyone that could resonate with Julie’s resentment towards her mother, it’d be my husband. At this point in the estrangement, he’s not even angry. He’s just accepted that his father is the way he is and will never change; not for him or anyone else. He’d given up on his father ever being the person that he needed him to be. Following him deciding to go no-contact with him, my husband never looked back on the relationship he had with his father; or the relationship he could’ve had with his father had he been the man my husband needed him to be.

Going no-contact with a parent brings a complex, “living loss” grief, often characterized by mourning not just the person, but the loving relationship and childhood one never had. It is a deeply emotional, often secret process involving guilt, relief, trauma bond, and societal stigma. While painful, this necessary, self-protective boundary allows for healing, reclaiming personal identity, and eventual emotional freedom to break it down more thoroughly:

Key Aspects of No-Contact Grief

• Ambiguous Loss: Unlike death, the parent is still alive, creating a “living loss” that complicates closure.

• Grieving the Ideal: One often grieves the loving, supportive parent they wished they had, rather than the one who actually existed.

• Cognitive Dissonance: A push-pull dynamic exists, with feelings of intense sadness, relief, guilt, and fear of regret coexisting.

• Trauma Bond: Even if the relationship was abusive, the emotional bond can make letting go difficult.

• Loss of Family Structure: Going no-contact often leads to losing connections with siblings, extended family, and social supports, adding to the isolation. 

The Emotional Rollercoaster

• Self-Doubt and Shame: Questioning if you are “too emotional” or “overreacting” is common, especially due to prior gaslighting or societal pressure (“But it’s your mom/dad”).

• Shame and Guilt: The feeling of having “self-orphaned” can bring intense,, albeit often irrational, guilt.

• Invisible Grief: This grief is rarely acknowledged by society, creating a sense of being misunderstood or judged. 

Healing Through the Grief

• Validating the Decision: Reminding yourself that the choice was for safety and mental health is crucial.

• Accepting Reality: Moving from the hope of change to accepting the reality of the toxic situation helps the healing process.

• Creating Chosen Family: Filling the void with supportive friends and partners allows for healthier connections.

• Somatic Release: Understanding that grief is not just mental but physical, requiring space to process the trauma. 

The grief may come in waves, often resurfacing during holidays, birthdays, or major life milestones. However, allowing this grief to exist without shame is part of the process of building a new, healthy life outside the shadows of a toxic, dysfunctional family dynamic. 

My husband choosing to go no-contact with his father wasn’t an easy situation for him to have been put through. It wasn’t just one event that led to that decision. It was a lifetime series of events. One event in particular was the final straw that led to that final decision. I don’t know the exact details of the event in question. It’s been almost 3 years since it happened. We don’t discuss it. We don’t look back on it. We’re too busy living our lives. We’re too busy concentrating on our future, and we don’t care to look back on the past. My husband, in particular, is fully concentrated on being the best father he can be to our son; the father he wanted his own father to be.

Going no-contact was the best decision for my husband’s well-being. That decision wasn’t a means to punish his father, but to protect his own peace of mind. He didn’t want to be in an abusive environment any longer, nor did he want our son to have any part in it. When viewed through a trauma-informed lens, going no-contact can be an important part of healing. When you remove yourself from ongoing harm, you create space for healing that isn’t possible while remaining in abusive dynamics. No-contact allows trauma survivors to:

• Recognize and name their emotions without fear of retaliation or dismissal

• Process their experiences without continued traumatization

• Develop a clearer understanding of what healthy relationships look like

• Build self-esteem that isn’t constantly being torn down

• Learn to trust their own perceptions and feelings

• Rediscover their authentic self outside of toxic family roles like scapegoat, caretaker, or peacekeeper

• Break generational cycles of abuse and dysfunction

With everything being said, going no-contact with a parent is a personal choice, and so is reconciling with them. My husband has decided not to reconcile with his estranged father, stepmother and his sisters. Brooklyn Beckham has decided not to reconcile with his estranged parents and his siblings. All the while, Julie did decide to reconcile with her estranged mother. The flaw in that decision was that it was made by what another person who hadn’t been through the same trauma she’d been through told her she should. It wasn’t almost as if she was pressured to do so.

Reconciling with an estranged parent shouldn’t feel forced. It should come naturally. It should come because BOTH the parent and the adult child want to work on repairing the relationship. That’s exactly what Julie’s character arc on the show failed to do in trying to showcase her trauma and the essence of how her mother’s own decisions affected her. In the end, we see that Julie, with Emily’s push, decided to give Vanessa a cautious second chance, though on her own terms. Vanessa accepted it without pushing for more. I just wish we got to see more of what went into that decision and the rebuilding of the trust between them.