WHAT TO DO WHEN YOUR IN-LAWS DON’T LIKE YOU

My husband and I have been together for over a decade. We’ve always had a healthy, honest, and trustworthy relationship. So it was weird to me that once we were getting closer to our one year anniversary mark, I still didn’t meet any of his family. When I confronted him about it, he just told me to trust him. I just didn’t understand why he was keeping me a secret. I kept asking myself whether he was embarrassed of me, or something.

When he finally told me he was going to introduce me to his family, specifically his parents. That meant that he was taking our relationship seriously. But as soon as I came into my now-husband’s house, that excitement almost turned into horror. As soon as I saw my future father-in-law and shook his hand (with my left hand), I understood exactly why I was kept a secret. I knew at that very moment that he realized I had a disability, and I knew that he was fuming inside as soon as he saw me.

Meeting the parents, the father specifically, felt like I was at a job interview. Our meeting even lasted 20 minutes – the standard length of time for a job interview. It wasn’t a conversation that we were having to get to know each other. Instead, it was a Q&A; he asked the questions, and I answered them. Some questions I was forced to answer were, ‘Do you cook?’, ‘Do you clean?’, ‘Do you do chores around your house?’, ‘What are you studying?’, ‘Have you travelled around the world?, ‘Can you take long walks?’, and so on and so forth. It was the most awkward and uncomfortable job interview I ever had, and I had A LOT of them.

At some point, I had to stop the madness. I excused myself to the washroom even though I didn’t actually have to go. I needed a moment to reflect as I knew straight away that my father-in-law saw right through my disability. Cerebral palsy was the first and only part of me he saw, and he refused to see anything else. While he interviewed me, he didn’t even look at my face. Instead, he looked at my right arm, which is affected by my cerebral palsy.

The following day, my husband wasn’t anywhere to be seen or heard from. No matter how many times I called or texted him, I wasn’t getting back to me. It was only in the evening that he got back to me and told me about his day. The whole day, my husband listened to his father tell him to break up with me. He said that I’d be a real burden to my husband’s life as he’d end up being my caretaker by the time I turned 40. He also said I’d never finish college, I’d never work a day in my life, I’d never be able to do anything around the house if we ever were to move in together and live independently, We’d never be able to have children because I wouldn’t be able to carry them let alone take care of them, amongst other things.

My husband never caved to his father’s wishes. My father-in-law never stopped trying to get me out of son’s life. For years he didn’t give up. He went as far as gifting my husband a book that was all about cerebral palsy that was so outdated, it was probably written by a doctor who retired in 1975. After we got engaged, my father-in-law set my husband up on a date with a woman that was up to his own standard and hoped my husband would marry. And when he and I had to see each other at family gatherings or special occasions such as birthdays, my father-in-law never acknowledged my existence. It was as though I wasn’t even there.

None of that mattered to me nor my husband. We just continued living our lives as per usual, and we didn’t let anyone get in the way of our happiness. As the years went by, I continued proving to myself, as well as my husband, that I could accomplish whatever my father-in-law said I wouldn’t be able to accomplish. But I didn’t do it to prove anything to my father-in-law. I didn’t owe him a single thing. It never was, never has been, and never will be my responsibility to prove anything to him. The only people I had anything to prove to are myself, my parents, and most importantly my husband. In the 10 years that we’ve been together, I’ve proven to him that I’m able to do everything that his father said I wouldn’t and more.

I finished three programs, including a university equivalent degree in college. I started a business right after college and people wanted to work with me BECAUSE I have a disability. I cook meals at home. It’s cooking that pretty much anyone can do, but it’s way more than my father-in-law said I could do. I do more cleaning in the house than my husband does. My husband always tells me that I’m not a burden to him. On the contrary, I make life better for him and I keep him happy calm through the storm.

My father-in-law and I will never see eye to eye. Now that my husband and I live completely independently, my husband only has any communication with my father-in-law once in a while, which is once a year or so. Having that space between us is the best solution for everyone involved, including other family members. We’ve even made some progress in our relationship. Last time I saw my father-in-law at his birthday gathering in October 2021, he acknowledged my presence there AND I even got a hug from him at the end of the night.

Being disliked and disrespected because of something you can’t control and can’t change really does just f*cking suck. But it’s not anything you can change. You can’t change other people’s opinions of you. That’s why you just have to continue on living your life, even if that means losing your relationship with your family. You’re living life for yourself, not your family – parents included. Your parents may think they know what’s best for you, but they don’t. Only you know what’s best for you. My husband is just the perfect example. I’m just lucky that the rest of my in-laws welcomed me with open arms right from the beginning. My father-in-law told my husband that having me be a part of his life would be an embarrassment to the family, but that never seemed to be the case at all.

I don’t know where our future will take us, but I’m excited to find; especially without having the toxicity of the outside noise that we struggled with for years. I’m at the happiest and healthiest stage in my relationship with my husband, and that’s how I know all the hardships we faced over the years were worth it.