Story By: Jessica Lundgren
My twenties felt like such a blast!
Constantly meeting new people, especially guys, socializing and feeling important, and partying like a wild girl.
But oddly enough, the intimate relationships I found myself in always ended badly and left me feeling more lonely, unloved, and wondering what I was doing wrong, and even worse, was there something wrong with me…
It wasn’t until many years later and hitting my rock bottom a couple of times that I really began to understand the meaning behind my behaviour and why I was making such lousy choices.
But let me start from the beginning.
So I had just met this new guy.
He was really funny and had a beautiful smile.
We had a handful of mutual friends, so I saw him pretty frequently.
And he was really sweet.
Normally the time we spent together was out at the bars, or after we had been out drinking and it was always fun.
One night we just starting having sex. And that eventually led into a situationship…
I knew I wanted more with him…I wanted commitment and deep intimacy.
But he never offered it. We never even spoke about it.
And I accepted it. I took what he was giving me thinking it was better than not getting any sort of connection or love with a guy.
Eventually we stopped hooking up. We stopped hanging out.
And I was so heart broken. What was wrong with me that he didn’t want me…
A year or so later I met a new guy.
He was super attracted to me. And he really wanted to take me out on a date.
I never really had been out on an official date with any guy before. It was always more of a “hang out” which felt less intense and no pressure.
He kept pursuing and pursuing and I kept ignoring him.
And instead, I kept getting myself caught up with these guys who gave me nothing more than a pleasurable night or couple months and then a cry and feeling of betrayal and loss.
I had so many questions I didn’t have answers to:
Why wasn’t I into this great guy that was totally into me?
How come I didn’t even want to give him a chance?
Why did I continue to attract these emotionally unavailable and commitment phobic guys?
Was I ever going to find a long lasting and fulfilling relationship?
It took me at least 5 years from this point in my life and some MAJOR work on myself to answer the above questions and finally realize I had been majorly self-sabotaging myself.
During my deep dive self discovery (this is what I now call my journey after hitting rock bottom), I uncovered some core beliefs that were directing my daily decisions.
Until this season of self-discovery though, I had been COMPLETELY unconscious to the truth that these beliefs were influencing my behaviors and choices, let alone the fact I even had these beliefs.
But the truth was that I chose unhealthy and unfulfilling relationships because I didn’t believe I was worthy of love, I didn’t believe I was loveable.
And I chose to ignore all the genuine and healthy guys that really liked who I was as a person because I was afraid…
Afraid of what?
–Of the unknown. Unhealthy relationships were comfortable to me. Yes, they were painful, but they gave me a sense of security because I was familiar with them.
–Of being vulnerable and allowing someone else to see my true and authentic self. What if he ended up disliking me…that would be even worse pain and rejection than an unhealthy relationship.
–Of not being good enough
Before I could start meeting some better quality men who actually desired a committed relationship and give me the love I deserve, I needed to give my beliefs a makeover.
And I needed to rewrite the labels I had given myself, the labels I had allowed others to give me.
My fear of not being good enough or being loveable, I discovered, developed from multiple earlier experiences in my life.
One experience happened to be from my first ever boyfriend.
I was 16 and met the kid in Hawaii.
It was the first time ever being close to a boy, let alone being in an official relationship with the label of boyfriend-girlfriend and everything.
Long story short, he broke up with me over the phone because I was a drama queen, or so he said. I really think it’s because I wouldn’t have sex with him.
But I allowed that label to become part of my identity.
I did NOT want to be a drama queen to any other guy because that would mean he wouldn’t love me. Instead, he’d leave me.
Looking back on all these experiences, I kind of laugh. They seem so silly to me now.
But the reality is that our beliefs and identity we have given ourselves influence the daily decisions we make.
Here are 4 matter of fact truths that I learned during my deep dive discovery and have now adopted as my truths that have led to massive transformation in my life and dating relationships, and they’re true for you too…
- I am worthy and so valuable. Not for anything I have done or people I know, but just for being me. Because there is truly no one else in the world that is exactly like me.
- I deserve to be with an incredible man and experience a deep soul love. He is out there making his way to me as quickly as I am making my way to him. There is NO NEED to settle or think I’ll never find my quality man.
- My external life is a reflection of my internal world. What comprises the internal world? Our beliefs, focus, thoughts, and words. If you’re not getting the results you desire in any area of your life, including men and love, or you continue to see a pattern of behavior that is not empowering you in the way you would desire, it can always be traced back to a core belief.
- In order to attract my quality man, I must date with intention. What does this mean? It means having clarity on the character of man you are seeking. It means knowing your boundaries and not being afraid to honor them, even if it means losing a relationship with a man.
Now it’s your turn to identify the limiting beliefs you have and replace them with those that are empowering. Replace them with actual truth that is going to serve you and guide you to your desired destination.
In this together
Ways to connect with Jessica:
Website: jessicaelundgren.com
Pinterest: pinterest.com/findingthegoodmen
Facebook: jessicaelundgren.com/datingwithconfidenceFB
Instagram: instagram.com/findingthegoodmen
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