Story By: Jessica Lundgren
Self worth can easily be considered one of the most influential facets to living a fulfilling life with empowering and uplifting relationships.
Why?
Because what we consider to be reality in the our external world is really only a reflection of our internal world.
And self worth, or how we see ourselves, plays a pretty big role in the quality of our internal world.
So how can we rebuild our self worth after a bad break up?
I’ll get there…
But before we go any further, let’s dive a little bit deeper into the definition of self worth.
What Does Self-Worth Mean?
The simplest way to put it is the worth you give yourself.
How valuable are you in your own eyes?
Often times a person only feels important and valuable if they are doing good works or receiving approval from another but self worth lies not in the external world.
It’s not defined by how much we accomplish, the amount of money we make, nor the number of friends we have.
Self worth is a deep self love, appreciation and acceptance for who you are as a person.
Someone with high self worth is confident in their identity, what they stand for.
They are not easily shaken by what just any other person thinks of them nor do they allow their circumstances to define them.
It can be soooo easy to say without any deep consideration or reflection that you love yourself so much and have no self worth issues.
But I have found more often than not that we ALL have some self worth struggles we need to wrestle through.
And often times, we’re not even consciously aware of them or how they’re showing up in our lives.
How to Determine if You Struggle with Self-Worth
The greatest way to explore your self worth and determine if this is an area you need to improve is by how you treat yourself.
I realized after many unfulfilling relationships, that my problem wasn’t really the guys. It was my self-worth, and how I saw myself.
Those with a higher sense of self worth treat themselves with unconditional self-love and have a deep rooted belief that they are valuable.
Three big areas that are examples of how well we treat ourselves are below:
- The words you use when talking to yourself or about yourself
- The beliefs you have of yourself
- How you allow others to treat you or speak to you/about you
THE WORDS YOU USE
Our words are POWERFUL!!
Especially when it’s our own voice speaking these words over us.
A very clear indicator your self worth could use a boost is if you catch yourself speaking negatively about yourself or to yourself.
Are your words loving, gentle, patient, kind, uplifting, empowering?
Or are they critical, judgmental, condemning, belittling?
For many years, my words to myself were AWFUL!
I would never have spoken to someone else the way I was talking about myself.
When you make a mistake (cause we all make mistakes) how do you treat yourself?
Are you quick to calling yourself stupid because you keep making the same mistake?
Our own words and voice have the greatest influence in our lives.
What you speak to yourself and about yourself becomes a self-fulfilling prophecy.
I continued to experience these unfulfilling relationships because that’s what I was telling myself I deserve.
The crazy part was I had NO IDEA I was telling myself this…
THE BELIEFS YOU HAVE
Our beliefs are rooted by the words that we speak.
The more you say to yourself how stupid you are when you make a mistake, the more engrained the belief becomes.
And the stronger the belief, the greater the influence it has over your life and the choices you make.
If you believe that you’re not worthy of love, (this is a belief I carried around for 10+ years that was planted by a past relationship), you will unconsciously attract men who can’t love you the way you desire and deserve.
Then when you are treated poorly or the relationship becomes toxic, it only strengthens the belief that you’re not worthy of love because you never seem to be able to find the healthy men who are loving and committed.
In order to build self worth, you have to uncover those limiting beliefs.
Often times, the beliefs we have of ourselves are formed when we’re children.
This occurs by the way the adults in our life interact with us.
How they treat you and speak to you.
And unconsciously we carry these same beliefs into our adulthood without questioning their truth.
A powerful way of changing your disempowering beliefs is to replace them with truth through affirmations.
What beliefs do you have that are not serving you anymore…
HOW OTHERS TREAT YOU
It’s infrequent that you see people with high self worth allowing others to treat them poorly.
Why?
Because there is an expectation that this sort of behavior will not be tolerated.
And it is not tolerated.
When a boundary is crossed, a person with high self worth will make it known to the offender in a loving but clear way that the behavior is unacceptable.
If the behavior continues, there are consequences.
Depending on the situation and type of relationship, it could mean ending the relationship or removing the person from your life.
Other times it means bringing distance and laying down stricter boundaries.
Those with lower self worth tend to gravitate towards the mistreatment and allow it.
Why?
Because they themselves have beliefs that they deserve it.
And likely they treat themselves just as bad if not worse.
So now, maybe you’ve become aware of the areas in your life where you could use some self worth boosting.
Let’s talk next about how you can build self worth.
Ways to Improve Self-Worth
The amazing thing about self worth is that it’s completely within your control.
You have the power to say how valuable you are, or are not.
Nobody else’s opinion or label of you can affect your self worth if you choose not to accept it as truth.
So how do you build self worth?
- You make a decision and commitment to do so
- Become conscious of the words you use to talk to yourself and about yourself
- Uncover those beliefs and labels you’re accepting as truth that are really lies and disempowering
- Replace the words and beliefs with truth of who you are
- Stop allowing others to mistreat you (stand up for yourself)
- Start laying down boundaries and expectations that require others to treat you with respect
- Be intentional about who you surround yourself with
- Start putting into your mind GOOD stuff (books, podcasts, seminars, music)
To build self worth is to begin a never ending journey.
There will always be room to build self worth even more.
To understand yourself even more, and grow an even deeper love and appreciation for the incredible being you are.
Starting this journey doesn’t demand perfection.
But instead it requires grace and compassion for the truths that begin to reveal themselves.
How to Find Your Self-Worth After a Breakup
Breaking up is never easy, even when we are the one to initiate it.
However, when the break up follows a severe betrayal or loss, our self worth often tends to take a massive plunge.
We are left with so many unanswered questions…
Why did this happen?
Did I do something to deserve this?
What did I do wrong?
Is there something wrong with me?
I have asked myself those questions many times in my past relationship experiences.
Left feeling alone and defeated with many emotions racing all around.
But how do you build your self worth after a break up?
You start by being your best friend, allowing yourself to experience the full spectrum of emotion without any sort of negative feedback.
You then make the decision not to stay stuck in any one of those emotions.
Allow your life to continue moving forward.
Let go of the story you may be continuing to tell yourself that’s keeping you reliving the past.
And then start asking yourself the hard questions:
–what lessons did you need to learn from this experience that you can bring along with you?
–for what do you need to take responsibility?
–how can you grow from this?
Recognize and be confident in the truth that even though this relationship didn’t work out…
And yes, you do have some role in how things ended…
It does NOT define WHO YOU ARE as a person.
Remember…
You have the power to decide your worthiness and value.
And how worthy and valuable you deem yourself will determine the type of men you tend to attract.
In this together,
Ways to connect with Jessica
Website: jessicaelundgren.com
Pinterest: pinterest.com/findingthegoodmen
Facebook: jessicaelundgren.com/datingwithconfidenceFB
Instagram: instagram.com/findingthegoodmen
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