Infertility can be one of the most difficult experiences a woman will ever go through in her life if she wants to have children. It’s a very slow and painful process to go through – both mentally and physically for a woman to go through. But it’s not just the woman who goes through infertility. Men go through it as well. I myself used to think that it was only hard for women to go through fertility treatments, and it was only when I went through my own infertility journey that I realized just how untrue that was. Just like everything else in a marriage, going through infertility struggles is a team effort.
My husband and I started trying for a baby about a year after we got married. We didn’t even want a baby at the time. Due to our own circumstances, it wasn’t the right time for us to start a family. But then again, when IS the right time to start a family? A year went by, and I still wasn’t pregnant. We then requested to be checked for any issues relating to fertility, but the process was so long because we were considered to be ‘too young’ to have any fertility related issues. It ended up being 4 years later that we got referred to a fertility specialist. It was then that my husband and I got crystal clear answers as to why we were having trouble conceiving – I have PCOS (Polycystic ovary syndrome).
Being diagnosed with PCOS was a sigh of relief. Our fertility doctor told us that that there was little to zero chance that my husband and I would ever conceive on our own, and that was even more refreshing than I could ever imagine it to be. Having sex with the person you love is a beautiful experience, no doubt. But when you’re trying so hard to have a baby, especially for as long as we did, sex becomes a chore. Once we were told that IVF was our only way to conceive a child, we actually started to enjoy sex. We also started to enjoy our marriage in general. It was like we were newlyweds all over again even though we were married for a few years by that time. We were just going about our business until we were ready to begin the IVF process.
We started our IVF process 6 months after we first saw the fertility doctor. I was ready s I could ever be; or at least I thought so. I was basing my readiness on what I saw in movies and TV shows like ‘Sex And The City’. I specifically related to Charlotte’s storyline of infertility immensely. But IVF isn’t what they show in movies and TV shows. It’s not even remotely what they show in media. IVF revolves around a strict schedule of medications, shots, hormones running through the whole body that cause mood swings, weight gain, pain and numbness.
I thought the egg retrieval was bad, but it really wasn’t, especially compared to what I experienced next. I decided to start the embryo transfer process as soon as I completed the egg retrieval process, and I did that all against my husband’s wishes. He begged me to take a break and let my body rest, especially considering the fact that my body is already fragile as it is due to cerebral palsy and epilepsy, as well as the fact that IVF is a high risk factor for women with epilepsy. I didn’t listen to him. I refused to listen to him. I was so desperate to have a baby that I didn’t, nor did I even care to, even consider, , the risks of everything that I was about to do. I didn’t care about what it could do to my body as a whole, nor did I care about the high risk of me having seizures. I just wanted a baby – badly.
With the embryo transfer, PIO shots have to be implanted. The butt cheeks is the only way to place them to get the best results. The PIO shots are to be taken everyday starting a few weeks before the actual embryo transfer. If the embryo transfer works, the shots have to continue up until the 9th week of pregnancy to make sure the embryo sticks. The nurse at the fertility clinic warned the PIO shots would be painful. I thought it was a bluff until I took my very first PIO shot. The pain worsened with each day that I had to take the shots. I couldn’t sit, I couldn’t stand, I couldn’t lay down, nor could I even get out of bed or in bed without a Tylenol or two and a lot of help from my husband. I couldn’t even do anything, not even the smallest of things, around the house. If my husband had to go to work to be in the office, he’d only go for half a day, and make sure he’d wake me up before he left to make me breakfast, help me get out of bed, and leave the Tylenol and water right beside me.
The embryo transfer didn’t end up working, and as sad and pathetic as it sounds, I was so happy about it. I really wasn’t prepared for the embryo transfer process and everything it entailed, and I couldn’t imagine having to go through for another two months if it actually did work. They say everything happens for a reason, and I do believe that in this case, it actually does. My husband and I decided to take an indefinite break from IVF and baby plans. We’re definitely not giving up on starting a little family of our own someday, but we’re trying to be careful and smart about it. I love my life, and I love my marriage. I want to hold onto that, as well as to my most treasured possession, my health, for a little while longer before we bring a whole other human into the world.
Sign up to our newsletter if you want to see more content from The Graceful Boon! By signing up to our newsletter, you'll get an even more in-depth content from yours truly, Stacie Kiselman, who's our Graceful Boon, that you won't want to miss out on.