AN OPEN LETTER TO MY UNBORN CHILD: THE 5 THINGS I WANT YOU TO LEARN IN LIFE

I’ll be entering the third trimester soon, and I’ve been doing a lot of thinking lately about how I want my son (YES, I’m going to be a boy mom!) to be raised. My son is already going to be an extraordinary person with extraordinary circumstances. After all, he already survived his mother having a seizure while in her womb, and he was a total trooper about it. I wrote a whole blog post about the ordeal in ‘I SUFFERED A GRAND MAL SEIZURE WHEN I WAS 21 WEEKS PREGNANT. THIS IS WHAT I HAVE TO SAY ABOUT THE CANADIAN MEDICAL SYSTEM.’

I mentioned in my previous post that I wanted to raise my son to be a compassionate, an empathetic, and and an independent individual. That will always be true, and I will always stick to these three factors for his future. But there’s so much more that I want to teach him. Of course, I understand that my views on raising my son will most definitely change over time considering everything changes so fast, and new things will be added to my list. But there are a few things I want my son to grow to learn that I know will NEVER change in time, and I want to say it as though I’m saying this to him directly:

1. To get respect, you must give respect

This has always been a big one for me. And it’s especially important now with the younger generation feeling that they’re so entitled. Respect isn’t just something that’s given to you. It’s earned. You don’t always have to agree with what another person’s opinions or whatever it is that they’re doing. You don’t have to go along with the crowd and bully them because they’re doing something that’s outside the norm. Instead, you can embrace it and celebrate whatever it is that they’re doing. It may not seem that way to you, but you’ll get more respect from the right people if you do so. If not now, then in the future.

2. Women aren’t objects.

Women are just as equal to men. We can do anything men can do. In fact, we can do more. We’re actually superheroes who can do it all. We can take care of the house and take care of our children all while either working on our businesses or our 9-5 jobs. Whoever tells you that women simply belong in the kitchen and are only meant to bear children for you has an outdated view on society, and you should most definitely not interact with them.

3. Women aren’t just sexual beings

This is a big one for me. Your mother is a sexual abuse survivor. She survived rape when she was 18, and then two Intimate Partner Violence relationships when she was in her 20’s before she met your dad. No matter what you go through in your life, you don’t have to be that guy. You don’t have to be the guy who sabotages women, either sexually, physically, mentally, emotionally, or even financially, to get what he wants. You can be different. You can be one of the good ones, like your dad. You can be the guy that saves a woman from abuse. You can be the guy that’s kind, empathetic, and patient with a woman, and she doesn’t have to be your romantic interest for you to be that way.

4. Choose kindness over anything else

Kindness goes a long way. It’s something you should remember that. You don’t have to make fun at someone else’s expense to make yourself feel better or make yourself feel like you’re the bigger person. On the contrary, it makes you seem weak. No one should ever feel hurt by your, and no one should ever feel victimized by you. When you see or hear someone struggling, be a listener. It’s always better to be a listener than a talker. People will open up to you because they feel comfortable with you, because they want your support, and because they want to vent their frustrations out. Don’t use their vulnerabilities as opportunities for you to belittle them. Be the cheerleader instead.

I’ll give you an example. Your dad had a friend back in the day that seemed like a good guy. He actually could’ve been a good guy, and we probably would’ve continued being friends with him and his wife if it weren’t for his treatment towards me. He’d find every opportunity he could to make fun of me. He made me feel small in every possible way. I tolerated this type of abusive (yes, that’s abuse too), because I was a people pleaser.

Don’t be the guy who makes others feel small. Be the guy who encourages others to do better and be better. And if you see someone treat others like your dad’s friend treated me, be the one that encourages that person to change their behaviour.

5. Disabled people are people too

I hope this is something that you already see for yourself just by having me as your mother. No matter where you go, society will never see people with disabilities as equals. But we’re actually just like anyone else. All we ever want is to be treated as ‘normal’. We don’t need sympathy and we don’t need help with every single thing that we do. In reality, we don’t need help unless we ask for it.

Your dad’s father had said to your dad things such as I’d never be able to finish my education, I’d never be able to work, I’d never be able to take take care of him (your dad) as a woman should (we’re going back to point #2), I’d never be able to bear children, and that I’d be in a wheelchair by 40. He was very much believed in that, and it was all because I had cerebral palsy. He was very much set in his ways and refused to get to know me because of it. All he knew and all he saw in me was my disability. I did all the things that your dad was told I could never go. I walked for 2-3 km at a time while I was pregnant with you, and I did just fine. I didn’t do all that to prove to your dad’s father that I was worthy. I did it because I saw myself as just another person who COULD do it no matter who doubted me.

I actually hate the words ‘disability’ and ‘disabled. Instead, we should be referred to as people with different abilities. I hope you see disability that way, and not just when it comes to me, but with anyone else you might cross paths with who’s also disabled.