Diddy & Cassie: The Very Problematic Ways Society Supports Women Against Domestic Violence

For the past month or so, we’ve been talking about love stories, and we’ve been defending different types of love stories. That included age-gap relationships where the women are older, as well as queer relationships, and of course, inter-abled relationships. I’m a big believer in love. I’ll defend any real love story I ever come across. One type of love I won’t ever defend, however, is abusive love. And unless you’ve been living under a rock, I’m sure you’ve heard the news about P. Diddy and his abusive ways. It all started when his ex-girlfriend of 9 years, Cassie, real name Cassandra Ventura, sued him for sexual assault and physical abuse in November 2023. The lawsuit stated that she experienced a decade-long cycle of abuse and sex-trafficking, as well as a 2018 rape after she tried to leave him.

‘After years in silence and darkness, I am finally ready to tell my story, and to speak up on behalf of myself and for the benefit of other women who face violence and abuse in their relationships. With the expiration of New York’s Adult Survivors Act fast approaching, it became clear that this was an opportunity to speak up about the trauma I have experienced and that I will be recovering from for the rest of my life.’

The lawsuit was settled a day later. It wasn’t the end of the road, though, for Diddy. He was sued by 4 more women for similar things as Cassie did, with the latest suer being Crystal MicKinney, who sued Diddy about a week or two ago. And if you had trouble believing that Diddy was capable of doing such horrific things to women, a video was footage of Diddy beating and kicking Cassie in a hotel lobby back in 2016 was released last month. It was reported that Diddy paid $50,000 for hotel staff to keep quiet about the incident. It’s hard for me to even call it that as it feels as though I’m diminishing the severity of this crime. Following the release of the video footage, Cassie made a statement:

‘Domestic Violence is THE issue. It broke me down to someone I never thought I would become,” she wrote. “With a lot of hard work, I am better today, but I will always be recovering from the past. This healing journey is never ending, but this support means everything to me.’

And Diddy then issued a video apology on Instagram by saying:

‘It’s so difficult to reflect on the darkest times in your life,” he said in the footage. “Sometimes you gotta do that. I was f—– up. I mean I hit rock bottom but I make no excuses. My behavior on that video is inexcusable. I take full responsibility for my actions in that video. Disgusted. I was disgusted then when I did it, I’m disgusted now. I went and I sought out professional help, going to therapy, going to rehab. I had to ask God for his mercy and grace. I’m so sorry, but I’m committed to be a better man. Each and every day.’

Cassie’s lawyer, Meredith Firetog, said it best when she said Diddy’s apology was more about him rather than the people he’d hurt. She said, ‘When Cassie and multiple other women came forward, he denied everything and suggested that his victims were looking for a payday. That he was only compelled to ‘apologize’ once his repeated denials were proven false shows his pathetic desperation, and no one will be swayed by his disingenuous words.’

Following the video release, Cassie’s husband, personal trainer Alex Fine, posted the following statement on Instagram:

‘Men who hit women aren’t men. Men who enable it and protect those people aren’t men. As men, violence against women shouldn’t be inevitable, check your brothers, your friends, and your family. Our daughters, sisters, mothers, and wives should feel protected and loved. Hold the women in your life with the upmost regard. Men who hurt women hate women.

To all the survivors, find the men and women who help and love. To all the survivors, your stories are real, and people believe you. To all the survivors you’re not alone, and there are men and women who care only for your well being and safety. We want you to succeed and flourish. To all the women and children, I’m sorry you live in a world where you’re not protected, and you don’t feel equal. I want to raise my daughters in a world where they are safe and loved.

You’re (the abusers) done, you’re not safe anymore, you’re not protected anymore, the men by your side are just as weak, you’re so miserable with yourself that death would be considered a kindness.’

‘Men who hit women aren’t men’

There’s an issue with this statement, and it’s not just according to me, but experts as well. It’s not just man problem. It’s a people problem. According to statistics, 1 in 4 women are victims of domestic violence in their lifetime, and 1 in 10 men are victims themselves. Approximately 1 in 5 female victims and 1 in 20 male victims require medical attention.

‘Masculinity involves the entitlement to use violence’ says Leigh Goodmark, author and law professor at the University of Maryland. ‘And so to say that ‘real men’ don’t do that is untrue. … real men do use violence all the time. If you say, ‘People shouldn’t hurt people,’ absolutely. But using these outdated binary, really problematic notions that there is a masculinity that we should all be looking for people to adhere to that is based on really outdated tropes is problematic, and we see it most often in the context of domestic violence because it’s such a stark binary. If we just write him off as ‘he’s not a real man,’ then we’ve also written off our responsibility as a society to help him change in any way. Ultimately for every partner that that person will have, and for society generally, what we need is for that person to stop being violent.’

Crystal Justice, chief external affairs officer of the National Domestic Violence Hotline (The Hotline) also added, ‘Abuse in any form is never OK… While it’s important to condemn this behavior, it is equally important to avoid gendered and racialized stereotypes that fuel stigma and often create additional barriers for people who are planning for their safety. Being a kind and supportive partner is not exceptional — it should be the norm regardless of one’s identity.’

Goodmark also said, ‘Boys are not inherently violent. Boys learn violence and boys learned violence because they live in a society that teaches them that to be men is to be violent is to fight back. One right cause of action is to say that we condemn anyone’s use of violence against anyone, that the use of violence, no matter what gender it’s done by, and not what gender it’s done against, is wrong, but also to say that we should do something to work with that person to change.’

So what does this all mean?

As a society, we all think of women being the sole victims of domestic violence, and that’s the biggest problem that we, ourselves, created. I think we all learned from Johnny Depp and Amber Heard that violence and abuse isn’t just about men abusing women, but women abusing men too. Heard certainly used that assumption made by society that only women are the victims of domestic violence to her advantage. Society definitely believed her for years to come since she came out with her face and neck filled with ‘bruises’ following the announcement of her divorce from Depp in May of 2016. Depp’s career suffered greatly because of her lies. But everything changed in 2022 when it was found that Depp was the victim the entire time during that infamous defamation trial where Depp was finally found victorious. The trial was even made into a Netflix special, ‘Depp V Heard’. It was a very big deal, because that was where Heard’s true colours really came to light. Her crocodile tears were made into memes on social media, and people were saying, ‘Believe all women except Amber Heard.’

I followed the trial religiously back when it was happening, and I wrote about it previously on the blog too. I just couldn’t help but laugh at the crocodile tears. The most amusing part of it all was when Morgan Tremaine, a former TMZ employee, testified at the trial. TMZ parent company, EHM Production, attempted to block him from testifying as a witness for Depp. Tremaine worked as a field assignment manager and was in charge of about 20 paparazzi in Los Angeles. He testified that in May 2016, he was instructed to dispatch photographers to a Los Angeles courthouse where Heard was in attendance to file a restraining order against Depp following the divorce. ‘We were trying to capture Amber leaving the courthouse and an alleged bruise on the right side of her face,’ he told the court. ‘She was going to sort of stop and turn towards the camera to display the bruise on the right side of her face, the alleged bruise.’ Heard initially denied working with TMZ at the time.

Heard being caught in a web of lies made me think of my own experience with domestic violence, and not as a victim, but as an abuser. It shouldn’t be much of a surprise, though, especially if you understand my history and where I come from. I come from a very loving home and very loving family. But when it comes to romance and love, I didn’t know what it was until my husband came along. All I experienced was lust and disgust. My first sexual experience was rape. What followed were many flings and one night stands. They were all meaningless. I did have two relationships that lasted no more than 6 months each. I was lucky to get out of them safely, because the relationships themselves weren’t safe. Both were entailed emotional, verbal, and even physical abuse. I didn’t know what a healthy relationship looked like.

With that being said, because of what I’d been through, the tables had turned and I became the abuser. Before my husband was ever in my life, I had a chance of dating a really amazing guy. I had a great guy that was interested in me and courted me. He would’ve made an amazing long-term boyfriend. The problem was, however, that I wasn’t ready to be the girlfriend that he deserved. I verbally and physically assaulted him. I said hurtful things to him over and over. I left bruises, bite marks and scratches on his arms. He’d get asked numerous times at work what had happened, and every time he got asked, he’d cover for me. He’d say the cat scratched him, he bumped into a wall or a table, amongst other excuses.

Our relationship ended up being short lived. It had to end. It wasn’t the right time for me to be in a relationship. I wasn’t good to him, nor was I good for him. I recognized that I needed to work on myself and my well-being before I allowed anyone else into my life to love me in a healthy way. My husband came into my life just as I worked on my self and my well-being. And that’s not to say that my relationship with my now-husband was smooth-sailing. It wasn’t. It wasn’t really, really hard. But what relationship that lasts is easy? With that being said, the work on myself didn’t stop when my now-husband came into the picture. It only continued. And still to this day, it continues. The work on myself following such trauma never ends, even after so many years later. My husband never signed up to be my caretaker or my savior. He signed up to be my partner in life. It never was, never has been, and never will be his job to save me from myself and my demons.

The biggest difference between me and Amber Heard is very simple. Unlike Heard, I’ve taken full responsibility for my past actions. The 2022 trial saw Heard be defeated. The jury finally believed Depp in that he was the victim all along. It was a big win for Depp, for he wasn’t always listened to. In fact, after the 2020 libel trial, The Sun, referred to Depp as a ‘wife beater’. The judge in that case believed that statement to be substantially true. But the 2022 case proved otherwise. Now, exactly two years following that altering and eye-opening case, Camille Vasquez, Depp’s lawyer, said, ‘What we showed definitively is that domestic abuse has no gender. We wanted to right the ship. We saw a terrible injustice taking place, and that’s what this verdict really was about: clearing his name once and for all, showing the jury, first and foremost, but also the world who was the real victim in this relationship and what he had suffered.’

On the other hand, Elaine Charlson Bredehoft, Heard’s lawyer on the case said the following, ‘At some point, I would like to see society correct itself, right itself. They should be seeking out Amber, bringing her back, making sure she can be a success again. She was a success before all of this, and she can be a success, but she needs the world to reach out to her too and to say, ‘We’re sorry. We recognize this. We want to do the right thing. We made a mistake when we made these judgments.’ I’d love to see that.’

Bredehoft also said that she was completely against allowing cameras in the courtroom, and fought hard against them and to have them removed at the time, for she believes that having cameras in the courtroom led the viewers and the public to view certain moments out of context, and with that, social media, in her words, hijacked the trial. According to Vasquez, however, it was Depp who pushed for the cameras to be present. And though she agreed that the social media memes that came out of the trial were manipulative, they were made to be comical, and they were still based on REAL evidence. She said, ‘We should have an ability to see justice at work. Public opinion was swayed by the credibility of these two people and who … the public at large believed and who they didn’t believe. I know how personal and how invasive some of the topics that we talked about were for both of them, for both Mr. Depp and Ms. Heard.’ But, according to Vasquez, it was incredibly important that Depp be able to reach his fans and show them the evidence that the jury was evaluating.

The Fight Isn’t Over…

I’m not sure if it’s because she wants to keep Heard as a client, or because she gets paid to continue to defend Heard, or because she actually believes Heard that she feels the need to continue to protect and defend Heard even though it was proven that she was guilty. No matter the case, I believe that Bredehoft, as well as the rest of Heard’s entire legal team, missed the entire point of the trial, which wasn’t to diminish domestic violence against women whatsoever, but rather to prove that men are victims of domestic violence as well, and by none other than women. When the trial was over and Depp was announced as victorious, he made the following statement: ‘I hope that my quest to have the truth be told will have helped others, men or women, who have found themselves in my situation.’ The key words in his statement are, of course, men AND women.

And following Diddy posting his apology video on Instagram, Depp’s second lawyer, Ben Chew, who worked with Vasquez during the 2022 trial, was anything but supportive of Diddy and his doings. ‘I would not have had my client give a statement on the heels of the release of that video. And I certainly wouldn’t have had him release that statement because I think it will be fodder for future examinations and deposition testimony, none of which is going to be good for Mr. Combs,’ Chew explained to Law&Crime’s Jesse Weber. He also added, ‘He’s just thrown out the window any potential objection to the authenticity of the video. Also, I think what he said was really not helpful at all. ‘What really struck me as disingenuous was he said he was disgusted at the time of 2016.’

Again, the main problem isn’t that we support women, but rather that we don’t support men enough. Alex Fine and Elaine Charlson Bredehoft got it all wrong when it comes to taking aim at domestic violence and defending the victims. When defending his wife, I wish he looked at solely defending his wife rather than the general public. In general, defending someone who’s a survivor of domestic violence should be about solely defending that person, because domestic violence isn’t such a general matter. It’s not based on gender, race, sexual orientation, or disability. Instead, it’s based on the person him or herself. And the real issue wasn’t even the fact that that Fine and Bredehoft were defending women, but rather that they made their defense gender-based as a whole. Ben Chew, on the other hand, is the perfect example of what we, as a society, should thrive to be. Chew was someone that supported a man in a domestic violence case. But he saw the situation for what it was. He defended Depp, but he also defended Cassie and didn’t excuse Diddy.

I believe everyone (more like, a lot of people) deserves to get a second chance. I’m certainly fortunate that I got that second chance. I never take it for granted. I also believe that those that did me wrong deserve their own second chances. Diddy, however, doesn’t deserve that second chance. This blog post isn’t here to prove his innocence. I don’t believe he’s innocent, and I believe the consequences for his actions now are everything he deserves to get. He’s someone that used his power to control Cassie’s entire being and almost destroyed her. He probably wouldn’t have cared if he’d killed her. And he didn’t just do it with her, but with at least 8 other women as well. These 8 are just the women who’ve spoken up. I hope that Cassie and the other women who’ve been affected by Diddy never stop healing. And I hope that any man or woman out there who’s been affected by domestic violence never stops healing.