In my previous post, where Disney actor Cameron Boyce’s death was the subject matter, I wrote heavily about stress. I wrote how stress is the root cause of a seizure occurring, at least in my own personal struggle with epilepsy. Of course, there are numerous triggers that could cause a seizure to occur that aren’t stress, such as flashing lights, alcohol and drug intake, not getting enough sleep, forgetting to take anti-seizure medication, which I said before, doesn’t relate to me as I’m against taking any anti-seizure medication. Men and women have it different when it comes to epilepsy. For instance, women can face seizures during their period days every month. With that being said, though, men face their own complications while they struggle with epilepsy, and you can read about it in my previous post.
I’m very transparent when it comes to sharing my struggles, trials and tribulations. I’m not afraid, nor am I ashamed to be truthful on the internet, where literally anyone could read about me. And it’ll continue to be this way for as long as this blog has a life. With that being said, I wanted to elaborate on stress and what it causes to one’s body. It doesn’t even matter if you have epilepsy or not; it still has an effect on you more than you might realize. The only difference is that when you have epilepsy, your body will tell you that you’re under stress when you’re having a seizure.
As of late, though I consider myself now to be the healthiest I’ve ever been in my life, I’d gone through some health complications, and it had EVERYTHING to do with stress. I find that there are two types of stresses in life. The first is the type of stress that’s inevitable. It’s the stress that is unavoidable, such as the stress of paying your bills and raising your children, as well as the stress you obtain from work, whether it’s the stress of your workload, conflicts with your boss or with your coworkers, or the stress of looking for a job and not finding success at it.
In recent months, I’d experienced some setbacks when it comes to my health. In May, I suffered two grand-mal seizures in one day. The first happened when I was at home with my son, and I was randomly surfing the net. The second happened while I was in my parents’ car on my way to their house so they could help me better care for my son. To me, it seemed completely random. I had seizures before following my son’s birth, but I knew exactly what triggered each of them. Hot showers and hair products are amongst those triggers. These two specific seizures I suffered in May were completely blank to me. Over some time, however, I realized it was probably due to the long-term stress I’d been experiencing. I was suffering emotionally and mentally these past few months since the beginning of the year due to some unforeseeable events that occurred, and my body couldn’t take it anymore. They were unavoidable stresses; ones that I couldn’t control. Everything put together was too much to bear, and my body said, ‘NO MORE!’
I took a few weeks to myself so that I could figure my sh*t out. I couldn’t continue living in such constant stress that would take over my life, as well as my son’s life. All seemed to be going according to plan. I worked on my emotional distress consciously. I worked on my sleep, my nutrition, and always made sure I rested. A month later, in June, again, out of nowhere, I had another grand-mal seizure. This time, it was when I was in the car alone while my husband stepped out to run an errand. Unlike the seizures I suffered the previous month, however, I knew exactly what caused the seizure. I got into an altercation with someone. That someone crossed a line with me, and it was almost shocking to me that this person could do such a thing to me – someone who was family to her and someone who’s always been good to her children; someone who went out of her way and risked her health to be there for her kids.
I’ll try to keep it short, but this person called me a bad mother and said some condescending, demeaning things about my parenting style. And it was due to the fact I didn’t do anything as this person ‘ordered’ me to do. This person’s definition of a good mother is one that does everything they do with their kids. The way I talked to my son wasn’t good enough. The way I dressed my son wasn’t good enough. The way I talked to my son wasn’t good enough. The way I let my son run around like a toddler wasn’t good enough. The way I decided where my son would go to daycare wasn’t good enough. What extra curriculum activities I had plans to send my son to wasn’t good enough wasn’t good enough. ‘WHAT KIND OF PARENTS ARE YOU?! ‘ – This person said. And not only that, but this person dared to speak to my son as if he were an animal. It was absolutely disguising.
And still, despite all that, I still decided to be there for her child’s special event a few days later. This person was asked not to speak to me as I was still mortified. I’m still mortified. They didn’t respect my wishes. This person acted as though nothing ever happened, and this person even screamed out when I pushed this person away from me, they yelled out, ‘But I didn’t do anything to you!’ I was appalled. Nevertheless, I wasn’t there for them. I was there for their daughter’s special day and to celebrate her. Later in the day, this person was told to apologize to me. They called and ‘apologized’. The apology was fake and demeaning and degrading. They weren’t actually sorry. Nothing I ever did wasn’t good enough. I bent over backwards for their children, and even the fact that I had a grand-mal seizure right before the special event and I still showed up wasn’t good enough.
I became even more enraged. It brought me so much unnecessary stress; one that was completely avoidable and I wasn’t obligated to tolerate. This person didn’t pay my bills, only actually helped me with my child ONCE only two months old, and they weren’t my parent, nor my husband’s parent. This person has a relation to my husband’s family, but it didn’t ever give this person a right to treat me, nor my husband in such manner. And so, I made a decision for myself to ‘block’ this person out of my life, as well as my son’s life. This person’s children are old enough for us to have a relationship with them on their own will. And of course, I won’t ever talk sh*t about their parent(s), but I need to put my own well-being, as well as my son’s, first and foremost. I will always be there for this person’s children, and nothing will ever change that. The kids are always welcome in my home. I’m only one phone call away.
When our guest writer, Jenn Fredericks, contacted me saying she had an idea to write about stress, I saw it as the perfect opportunity to bring awareness to it from another person’s perspective. I promise you, you’ll look at stress completely differently after reading her take. I know I did. One thing it made me realize is that the seizures I suffered that were triggered by stress in recent months weren’t necessarily triggered by my stress itself, but rather my response to the stress. It was eye opening. So without further ado…
“I AM SOOOOOO DESSERTS!”
Did you know that “STRESSED is DESSERTS spelled backwards?”
As soon as I heard that it got me thinking, “what if I have been looking at stress backwards all along?”
Stress by definition is “any uncomfortable emotional experience accompanied by predictable biochemical, physiological and behavioral changes.”
We humans were designed to have a stress response in times of demand or threat. While our fight-or-flight response was needed to save our ancestors from saber-toothed tiger attacks, modern-day humans tend to allow our stress response to run amuck – plus our nervous system is not very good at distinguishing between emotional and physical threats even when we are physically safe yet under some emotional distress.
When our stress response is engaged or we feel threatened, our nervous system jumps into action sending stress hormones into the bloodstream, getting us ready for emergency action. This response gets us ready to run from the saber-toothed tiger – or in modern times to run from our boss or our tantruming toddler – when we don’t really need to protect ourselves physically.
We’re conditioned in the modern world to believe that any type of stress is detrimental to our well-being. Going hand-in-hand with that belief there are many strategies, teachings, and products available to begin reducing stress, including self-care and mindful living.
On the flip side, stress can help us in life too. Stress can help us focus to meet deadlines or take the pie out of the oven before it burns or stop our car before we rear-end someone. Yet, beyond that stress may stop being helpful and may start causing major damage to your health, mood, relationships, and your quality of life.
An interesting idea about stress is circulating, based on research done over the past decade, questioning if stress is really the evil monkey it’s been made out to be.
Is it something that needs to be avoided and reduced at all costs in order to keep us healthy in mind and body?
What’s being discovered is that how we think about stress, our perspective, is instrumental in determining how stress affects us. If we experience stress and have the belief that it is bad for us…the more likely we are to experience detrimental effects.
Everyone feels stress and many couple that with the view that if life is stressful then we must be doing it wrong. I certainly believed so. And I hated how always “being stressed” felt. I also believed that if I didn’t get my stress “under control” I must not be able to handle life and I was dooming myself to illness which made me more stressed.
In reality, the stress response is just something normal that humans experience. Stress and the stress response was designed to prep me to handle whatever comes into my experience, perhaps with even enhanced performance.
Upgrading my stress mindset empowers me to see stress as simply a messenger that I care about something and it’s time to take ownership of that experience in my life.
Now…I have another thought about stress…what if…
“Stress” is not really even a thing.
Let me be clear – our physiological stress response is real. What I’m proposing is more from our thoughts, emotions and behavioral perspective.
Embracing stress allows me to better handle it while practicing responsibility from a space of love. I accept it, without judgment, and take time to deconstruct the stress to determine what’s REALLY GOING ON. What “emotional danglers” have I put into my “stress bucket” so I don’t have to actually take a look at what in life I’m not experiencing the way I desire. I discovered that stress is simply chronic emotional inaptitude. So I practice emotional aptitude instead.
Awareness is always the first step to consciously navigating your life and building emotional aptitude.
For sustainable reduction of stress, building emotional aptitude is key.
From awareness I take action to move myself forward improving my well-being, rather than becoming immobilized by stress. I see stress as a positive thing – an emotional messenger that I can mold into a more positive light to support myself and others.
Health psychologist and author, Kelly McGonigal, shares that, “When you choose to view stress in this way, you’re not just getting better at stress, you’re actually making a pretty profound statement,” she concludes. “You can trust yourself to handle life’s challenges. And you’re remembering you don’t have to face them alone.”2
In other words, “You got this!”
In her book, McGonigal also highlights an important truth about stress, “Stress and meaning are inextricably linked. You don’t stress out about things you don’t care about, and you can’t create a meaningful life without experiencing some stress.”
We don’t need to demonize stress.
We don’t have to completely eradicate from our lives to be healthy.
New perspective allows you to use stress to your advantage.
Use the stress instead of becoming immobilized by it
I’ve decided that I really like “desserts.”
How does looking at stress differently change your experience of life?
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I enjoyed your perspective on stress! When I’m stressed out with something I intuitively know will be okay but my physical stress response feels like it’s winning, I try to remember that I’ve overcome many hurdles before and that I can do this, too. It’s not always that simple because having chronic anxiety can stress a girl out! But I’ve tried to manage it better as I’ve gotten older and hopefully wiser:-)