Justin Baldoni: What Are The Things That Shape A Man To Become A Real Man And Man Enough?

‘It Ends with Us’…. There’s so much to say about it; about the movie, the book, and everything surrounding it. My previous post heavily discussed its marketing tactics, and everything that’s wrong with it. The only person who’s doing it right is Justin Baldoni, who stars in the movie and serves as the director, at least on paper, that is. Rumor has it that Blake Lively took over creative control, and if I’m being honest, I kind of believe it.

Colleen Hoover, the author of ‘It Ends With Us’, as well as its sequel, ‘It Starts With Us’, initially wrote the book to understand her mother and why she stayed with her abusive father. In hindsight, she was Lily Bloom. She based her main character on her own life. With that being said, I wish both Hoover and Lively talked more about Lily Bloom and her character development, as well the impact and inspiration she can have on other women in her shoes. Long story short, they should’ve been doing what Justin Baldoni has been doing in his promotional tour for the film.

I must say, it’s so refreshing to see a man be an advocate for women. It’s so refreshing to see a man speak so passionately about domestic violence and be a voice for women all over the world. I smiled ear-to-ear just listening to the sound of his voice while watching his interviews promoting the film. I first got to know of Baldoni when he starred as Rafael on ‘Jane The Virgin’. Rafael was a rich playboy who fell in love with a virgin, Jane, and accidentally had a child with her. You just have to watch the show to understand exactly what I mean by him accidentally having a child with a virgin.

To know that a man who played someone like Rafael on screen could bring such art as ‘It Ends With Us’ and being so much advocacy and awareness to domestic violence is something that’s almost unheard of. That’s not to say that the character of Rafael was a bad person. He wasn’t a bad guy to begin with. But he became a much better person thanks to him becoming a father and his relationship with Jane, the virgin.

As I watched the show in more recent years, I became more invested in the person behind the character. I became even more invested after the release of his latest endeavour. He’s been made out to be the bad guy by Lively, Hoover and the rest of the cast involved in the movie adaptation of ‘It Ends With Us’. Luckily, though, the public, especially those of us who are domestic violence survivors (1 in 3 women; 1 in 4 men) know better than to believe such an unreliable source who’s main goal is to make the big bucks rather than use their platform for the greater good. Baldoni has shown to the world that one doesn’t have to have gone through such trauma as domestic violence to know that they have a platform and use it to advocate for a cause.

This isn’t the first time we’re seeing Baldoni being an advocate for a great cause. In fact, all the movies where he’s been involved as a director were made for a great cause; with great care, love and passion put into them. First, there was 2019’s ‘Five Feet Apart’ with Cole Sprouse and Haley Lu Richardson, which was based on and inspired by the real-life Claire Lucia Wineland, who lived with cystic-fibrosis, and eventually passed away from the illness in 2018. She was an activist, a speaker, an author, and a social media personality. She created the non-profit organization, Claire’s Place Foundation, where she provided support to children and families affected by CF. Then, there was 2020’s ‘Clouds’, which starred Fin Argus and Sabrina Carpenter, and told the real-life story of Zach Sobiech, a cancer warrior who went viral on YouTube in 2012 with his hit, ‘Clouds’. He passed away from cancer in 2013.

And his kindness doesn’t end there. Someone by the username @taniachavarria7023 made a comment on a YouTube video saying that back in the year 2016/2017, Baldoni sponsored their CBI Ball at school, a prom that a high school health club would host for the disabled and special needs community. This high school was located in Houston, where such events are seen as frowned upon and not fundraised. Not even he, I don’t think, will understand what a difference he made for the lives of the disabled and their loved ones. Disabled people are always considered as less than, and here’s someone of a high celebrity status making something people usually take for granted happen for people who all they ever wanted was to fit in and feel like they belong. He didn’t have to make a donation, but he did. And not only that, but he did so quietly.

I got to see Baldoni’s Ted Talk presentation that he did in 2018. It was…mesmerizing. In it, he said:

‘You might recognize me as “Male Escort #1”, “Photographer Date Rapist,” “Shirtless Date Rapist” from the award-winning “Spring Break Shark Attack.” “Shirtless Medical Student,” “Shirtless Steroid-Using Con Man” and, in my most well-known role, as Rafael. A brooding, reformed playboy who falls for, of all things, a virgin, and who is only occasionally shirtless.

Now, these roles don’t represent the kind of man I am in my real life, but that’s what I love about acting. I get to live inside characters very different than myself. But every time I got one of these roles, I was surprised, because most of the men I play ooze machismo, charisma and power, and when I look in the mirror, that’s just not how I see myself. But it was how Hollywood saw me, and over time, I noticed a parallel between the roles I would play as a man both on-screen and off. I’ve been pretending to be a man that I’m not my entire life. I’ve been pretending to be strong when I felt weak, confident when I felt insecure and tough when really I was hurting. I think for the most part I’ve just been kind of putting on a show, but I’m tired of performing. And I can tell you right now that it is exhausting trying to be man enough for everyone all the time.

Now, for as long as I can remember, I’ve been told the kind of man that I should grow up to be. As a boy, all I wanted was to be accepted and liked by the other boys, but that acceptance meant I had to acquire this almost disgusted view of the feminine, and since we were told that feminine is the opposite of masculine, I either had to reject embodying any of these qualities or face rejection myself. This is the script that we’ve been given. Right? Girls are weak, and boys are strong. This is what’s being subconsciously communicated to hundreds of millions of young boys and girls all over the world, just like it was with me.

 I don’t have a desire to fit into the current broken definition of masculinity, because I don’t just want to be a good man. I want to be a good human. And I believe the only way that can happen is if men learn to not only embrace the qualities that we were told are feminine in ourselves but to be willing to stand up, to champion and learn from the women who embody them. Now, men — I am not saying that everything we have learned is toxic. OK? I’m not saying there’s anything inherently wrong with you or me, and men, I’m not saying we have to stop being men. But we need balance, right? We need balance, and the only way things will change is if we take a real honest look at the scripts that have been passed down to us from generation to generation and the roles that, as men, we choose to take on in our everyday lives.

The first script I ever got came from my dad. My dad is awesome. He’s loving, he’s kind, he’s sensitive, he’s nurturing, he’s here. He’s crying. But, sorry, Dad, as a kid I resented him for it, because I blamed him for making me soft, which wasn’t welcomed in the small town in Oregon that we had moved to. Because being soft meant that I was bullied. See, my dad wasn’t traditionally masculine, so he didn’t teach me how to use my hands. He didn’t teach me how to hunt, how to fight, you know, man stuff. Instead he taught me what he knew: that being a man was about sacrifice and doing whatever you can to take care of and provide for your family. But there was another role I learned how to play from my dad, who, I discovered, learned it from his dad, a state senator who later in life had to work nights as a janitor to support his family, and he never told a soul. That role was to suffer in secret.

Now, I’ve learned over time that if I want to practice vulnerability, then I need to build myself a system of accountability. So I’ve been really blessed as an actor. I’ve built a really wonderful fan base, really, really sweet and engaged, and so I decided to use my social platform as kind of this Trojan horse wherein I could create a daily practice of authenticity and vulnerability. The response has been incredible. It’s been affirming, it’s been heartwarming. I get tons of love and press and positive messages daily. But it’s all from a certain demographic: women.

This is real. Why are only women following me? Where are the men? About a year ago, I posted this photo. Now, afterwards, I was scrolling through some of the comments, and I noticed that one of my female fans had tagged her boyfriend in the picture, and her boyfriend responded by saying, “Please stop tagging me in gay shit. Thx.” As if being gay makes you less of a man, right? So I took a deep breath, and I responded. I said, very politely, that I was just curious, because I’m on an exploration of masculinity, and I wanted to know why my love for my wife qualified as gay shit. And then I said, honestly I just wanted to learn.

Now, he immediately wrote me back I thought he was going to go off on me, but instead he apologized. He told me how, growing up, public displays of affection were looked down on. He told me that he was wrestling and struggling with his ego, and how much he loved his girlfriend and how thankful he was for her patience.

And then a few weeks later, he messaged me again. This time he sent me a photo of him on one knee proposing. And all he said was, “Thank you.” I’ve been this guy. I get it.

See, publicly, he was just playing his role, rejecting the feminine, right? But secretly he was waiting for permission to express himself, to be seen, to be heard, and all he needed was another man holding him accountable and creating a safe space for him to feel, and the transformation was instant.

I started posting more stereotypically masculine things — Like my challenging workouts, my meal plans, my journey to heal my body after an injury. And guess what happened? Men started to write me. And then, out of the blue, for the first time in my entire career, a male fitness magazine called me, and they said they wanted to honor me as one of their game-changers.

Was that really game-changing? Or is it just conforming? And see, that’s the problem. It’s totally cool for men to follow me when I talk about guy stuff and I conform to gender norms.

But if I talk about how much I love my wife or my daughter or my 10-day-old son, how I believe that marriage is challenging but beautiful, or how as a man I struggle with body dysmorphia, or if I promote gender equality, then only the women show up. Where are the men? So men, men, men, men!

I understand. Growing up, we tend to challenge each other. We’ve got to be the toughest, the strongest, the bravest men that we can be. And for many of us, myself included, our identities are wrapped up in whether or not at the end of the day we feel like we’re man enough.

But I’ve got a challenge for all the guys, because men love challenges. I challenge you to see if you can use the same qualities that you feel make you a man to go deeper into yourself. Your strength, your bravery, your toughness: Can we redefine what those mean and use them to explore our hearts? Are you brave enough to be vulnerable? To reach out to another man when you need help? To dive headfirst into your shame? Are you strong enough to be sensitive, to cry whether you are hurting or you’re happy, even if it makes you look weak? Are you confident enough to listen to the women in your life? To hear their ideas and their solutions? To hold their anguish and actually believe them, even if what they’re saying is against you?

And will you be man enough to stand up to other men when you hear “locker room talk,” when you hear stories of sexual harassment? When you hear your boys talking about grabbing ass or getting her drunk, will you actually stand up and do something so that one day we don’t have to live in a world where a woman has to risk everything and come forward to say the words “me too?” This is serious stuff.

To parents: instead of teaching our children to be brave boys or pretty girls, can we maybe just teach them how to be good humans? So back to my dad growing up, yeah, like every boy, I had my fair share of issues, but now I realize that it was even thanks to his sensitivity and emotional intelligence that I am able to stand here right now talking to you in the first place.

The resentment I had for my dad I now realize had nothing to do with him. It had everything to do with me and my longing to be accepted and to play a role that was never meant for me.

So while my dad may have not taught me how to use my hands, he did teach me how to use my heart, and to me that makes him more a man than anything.’

This reminded me…

Justin Baldoni speaking of his father reminded me of Ross Geller. You know, the character from ‘Friends’. The one that was creepily crushing on his sister’s best friend in high school and so many years later, and we were all supposed to believe it was cute? That Ross Geller. He was also married to Carol Willick, who left him for another woman, Susan Bunch. But it wasn’t before she got pregnant with Ross’s child, Ben.

Ben was born at the very end of season 1. He was seen sporadically throughout the seasons throughout the seasons up until season 8 as Ross had his visitations with him. Once his half-sister, Emma, was born at the end of season 8, Ben became sort of ‘the forgotten one’ and was never seen again. It was like he was killed off. When Cole Sprouse, the actor behind Ben Geller, who appeared in a total of 10 episodes of the show, was asked by a fan on Twitter for a GQ interview in 2019, ‘How do you feel about basically being killed off of ‘Friends?’’, his response was short and simple, ‘Critics would agree that Ross was never really the most present father and so it doesn’t surprise me too much.’

And he’s absolutely right. Ross wasn’t a good father. It was evident throughout the series. He seemed to be the ‘fun weekend dad’ that would spend with his son only from time to time. The ‘fun’ part is somewhat questionable, if I’m being totally honest. Fatherhood just didn’t seem to be a priority for Ross. He had more important things happening in his life, such as his relationships and marriages. In season 4, Ross was getting married to Emily in London, and Ben was nowhere to be found. Even if Ben didn’t have a storyline in the wedding fiasco, wouldn’t he at least be seen in the background if he was part of the wedding? If Ross was a good father, we would’ve felt his son’s presence, even in the background. He was there as a background character at Monica and Chandler’s wedding after all.

When Ross did show his presence in Ben’s life, he showed toxic masculinity towards his son. For instance, in season 3, during one of his son’s visits, Ross is very much against Ben playing with a Barbie doll because he’s afraid it’s going to make him gay. With that said, Ross spends the entire episode attempting to get his son to play with G.I Joe. But…to no avail. He still wanted to play with Barbie dolls, and Ross had no choice but to accept it.

But I can’t say that Ross is homophobic. He was the one who supported Carol, his ex-wife and mother of his child who left him for another woman, when she was getting married to Susan and no one in her family supported their union. In fact, he was the one who walked Carol down the aisle. His reaction to Ben playing with a Barbie doll could’ve been a trauma response to his wife leaving him for another woman. If you’re a ‘Friends’ fan, you’ll know that season 1 of the show heavily showed what a hard time Ross had following his divorce and dealing with the fact of having to co-parent with the woman he was left for.

Nevertheless…

The reason for Ross’s homophobic remark after seeing his son playing with a Barbie doll doesn’t really matter; at least in this instance and for the sake of this blog post. What DOES matter is the fact that we can relate exactly what Justin Baldoni spoke about of how witnessing his dad be the emotional person that he is and not being afraid of it affected him positively and shape him to the man he is today, and see the exact opposite in Ross’s toxic masculinity. These are two polar opposite ways of parenting, specifically parenting boys that will turn into men. It puts things into perspective: what fathers show their sons and how they treat their sons has a true effect on how they see themselves in the future as men.

This made me think of my husband and my son. My husband always says that he was made to be the man he is today by watching ‘Star Trek’. What he learned from his father is independence, because for most of his adolescent life, he was basically on his own. His father gave him a roof over his head, but when it comes to someone raising him, he was on his own since his parents’ divorce. He now says that MY dad is the parent he wished he had, and considers him to be the male figure and mentor in his life.

Having practically been raised by ‘Star Trek’, my husband embarked on some qualities that I absolutely love. He’s empathetic. He’s kind. He’s gentle. He’s caring. He’s sensitive. He’s not afraid to show his emotions. He’s not afraid to cry. He doesn’t shy away from his feelings. That’s what I want my son to witness. That’s the best example I can set for my son as to what a real man is, and what it means to be man enough.

And that’s not to ever say that it’s not important for a boy to have his mother by his side. That’s not to say that a mother’s presence isn’t important in a boy’s life in order to shape him for the future, because it most certainly is. I hope that by he having me as his mother, more particularly by him having a mom who’s disabled, my son learns the value of acceptance, patience, understanding, and compassion. And as long as if we’re discussing the real subject matter of ‘It Ends With Us’ rather than what Blake Lively tells us it is, I hope my son learns the value of respect. I want him to be a real, strong, mature man who thrives to better himself every day. I want him to be man enough…