Luke Danes: How He (Unintentionally) Became The Father Figure That Rory Deserved To Have In Her Life – And How He Became The Best Parental Figure on ‘Gilmore Girls’

Emily Gilmore from ‘Gilmore Girls’ was most certainly not the best example of what a good parenting looks like – not when their child is little, nor when they’re an adult. She was literally cruel to Lorelai, and my previous post highlighted that about her. But it also highlighted how much she was willing to change everything she knew about life and ways of living for the sake of maintaining a relationship with her father, for as not to lose her. Though it might’ve looked like she loved Rory more than she loved Lorelai, that just wasn’t the case. She desperately loved Lorelai, but she didn’t know how to show it to her because she wasn’t shown herself.

Richard, Emily’s husband, wasn’t the best parent in the world either. He was the best parent to Lorelai that he knew how to be. Though he was away a lot during her childhood on business, he was present in her life. He provided to her financially speaking and he was there for her physically. Being a good parent isn’t just about being there physically or financially for a child. It’s also about providing your child the emotional and mental support, as well as providing them with age-appropriate freedom. Lorelai was never provided with the emotional and mental support, nor was she ever provided with age-appropriate freedom, which was why she ran away from home abruptly at 16 as soon as she found out she was pregnant.

When we first meet the Gilmore girls, which yes, also includes Emily, it marked the first time Lorelai saw her parents since she left home at 16. She came there to borrow money from them so that Rory could go to Chilton, a very prestigious high school which Lorelai couldn’t afford. It was then that Emily came up with the Friday night tradition. As she said herself, now that she was involved in her and Rory’s life financially, she wanted to be involved in her physically as well. In Lorelai’s mind, her parents helping her and coming up with the Friday night tradition was part of an agenda, which it was partially since Emily never turned down an opportunity to embarrass Lorelai and belittle her even if it was in front of Rory, but Emily genuinely wanted to have her family back together. She just didn’t have the tools and the guidance to change her ways quick enough.

Emily’s role as a parent to Lorelai was established in the previous post, so I won’t get into much detail about that. Richard’s role as a father was also mentioned. He and Lorelai had a much better relationship than Lorelai had with Emily. Lorelai even calls Richard ‘Daddy’ when she tries to climb out the window to run away from her mother’s abusive tactics and she begs him not to tell on her – he doesn’t and tells Emily he didn’t see Lorelai when she frantically keeps asking where she is. Richard was the best father he knew how to be to Lorelai. He provided for her financially and was there for her physically.

Despite Lorelai having a much better relationship with her father than she did with her mother, she still lacked his presence in her life emotionally and mentally, and this brought on challenges to their father-daughter relationship as Lorelai became an adult. They barely spent any one-on-one time, and when they did, they barely had anything to talk about. Richard tried to redeem himself as a father and father-figure with Rory, and that was mainly with Emily’s encouragement. They both knew they f*cked with Lorelai, and they wanted to make right by their mistakes. He spent a lot of one-on-one time with Rory, holding in particular, was the protective father-figure when Rory started dating Dean and she introduced him to her grandparents, was invested in her life, and genuinely wanted to be involved in her life in more than just a financial way.

And speaking of Rory, she developed her own Daddy Issues throughout the series as her father, Christopher, was in her life only sporadically. He came and went as he pleased, practically only when it benefited him in being romantically involved with Lorelai. Lorelai never stopped him from having a relationship with Rory. Though he didn’t have custody rights of Rory and didn’t raise Rory, Lorelai always left the door open for him to see Rory whenever he wanted – but he didn’t. Rory kept telling herself that not having her father in her life didn’t affect her, but it did, and in much bigger ways than anyone realized.

Season 1 of ‘Gilmore Girls’ marked the very first time that Christopher visited Lorelai and Rory at Stars Hollow. Other times, they’d always come to him 7,000 miles away. He’s introduced as someone who’s unreliable. He doesn’t call when he says he will; he doesn’t show up when he says he will. I can’t put the full blame on Christopher, though. When Lorelai first got pregnant, he did want to be involved and do everything right by Lorelai and Rory. He wanted to get married and provide for the baby, but Lorelai was very adamant that she didn’t want that life – not for herself, not for Christopher, and not for Rory. It didn’t work out between Lorelai and Christopher because Lorelai went completely against the life that she knew, as well as the life Christopher knew. Christopher was also under a lot of pressure. Just like Lorelai, he came from a family of wealth, and just like Emily, Christopher’s parents, especially his father, cared a lot about what others thought of him. When he met Rory for the first time when Rory was 16, he practically called her an embarrassment to the family and said that Christopher ruined his life by having her.

Christopher wanted to be in Lorelai and Rory’s life, Lorelai’s more so than Rory’s, but by the time he got to the point where he could be there for them and involved in their lives, he felt that they didn’t need him, so he backed away. The fact of the matter is, however, Rory did need Christopher in her life, and she felt the void of not having her father around well into adulthood. She craved for her parents to get together and for the three of them to become a real family. In season 2, it was finally happening when Lorelai and Christopher were the path of getting back together, and Rory was so happy. But their plans to become a family again were ruined when Christopher’s ex-girlfriend, Sherry, called him with the news that she was pregnant.

Christopher wanted to things differently the second time around. He wanted to be fully present for his unborn baby that would later become Gigi. With that said, his plans to be with Lorelai and become a real family with her and Rory crashed, and he instead married Sherry and built a life with her that he was supposed to have with Lorelai when they were 16 year old teenagers. Rory was devastated; so much so that she cut all ties to Christopher following Sookie’s, her moms best friend and business partner, wedding where Christopher and Lorelai broke up before they could even begin their newly developed relationship. When Christopher crashes Lorelai, Emily and Rory’s Friday night dinner, Rory tells Christopher, ‘I’ve got mom, that’s all I need. Go be somebody else’s dad.’

That particular scene was heartbreaking to watch, because it really showcased just how much she needed Christopher in her life. But Christopher couldn’t fully commit to being there for her because of how immature, irresponsible he was, and he still lacked accountability, even as an adult. In that save scene he screams at Lorelai, ‘This isn’t right, she needs her father!’ – a statement that’s so rigid coming from a man who was never there for his daughter. Luckily, Rory always had Luke by her side, who showed more care and nurture for Rory than Christopher ever did. Throughout the series, we see Luke be there for Rory when she was graduating high school and moving in to her dorm at Yale, two very important occasions for which Christopher wasn’t there. We also know that Luke showed nurture and care for her as a child, having met her when she was an 8 year old girl, like the time when she had chicken pox and he brought her soup. It’s cliche, because when Christopher and Luke were fighting at Richard and Emily’s vow renewal, Christopher screamed, ‘I’m her father!’ To this I’d tell him, ‘Yes, you are, Christopher. But you were never her dad.’

Though Luke is a father-figure to Rory and has shown how protective he is of her, particularly when she’s in a relationship with Dean, both when she’s in high school and college, Luke never replaces the emotional connection she lacked from her biological father. There were a few occasions throughout the original ‘Gilmore Girls’ series where Rory tries to connect with Luke on a deeper level, like when she goes to his diner to tell him it wasn’t Jess’s, Luke’s nephew, fault that they got into a car accident when Lorelai and everyone else at Stars Halloween blamed him for it simply because of his ‘bad boy’ reputation, as well as when Rory and Lorelai were estranged and she went to his diner just to catch up and he broke the news to her that he and Lorelai were engaged.

It’s safe to say that Luke being there for Rory was never part of an agenda for him as to getting together with Lorelai, unlike it was for Christopher. Luke was there for Rory before he was in love with Lorelai, as well as after. When Luke and Lorelai were broken up and she and Christopher were married, Luke asked Lorelai to write a character letter for his custody battle for his daughter, April. Without hesitation and before Luke could finish his sentence to ask her, Lorelai agreed. The character reference letter read as follows:

To whom it may concern,

In the nearly ten years that I have known Luke Danes I have come to know him as an honest and decent man. He’s also one of the most kind and caring persons I have ever met.

I’m a single mother and I raised my daughter by myself. But once Luke Danes became my friend in this town, I never really felt alone. Luke and I have had our ups and downs over the years, but through it all his relationship with my daughter Rory has never changed. He’s always been there for her no matter what. He was there to celebrate her birthdays, he was there cheering her on at her high school graduation. Luke has been a sort of father figure in my daughter’s life.

With his own daughter Luke wasn’t given the opportunity to be there for her first twelve years, but he should be given that opportunity now. Once Luke Danes is in your life, he is in your life forever.

I know from personal experience what an amazing gift that is and not to allow him access to his daughter would be to seriously deprive her of all this man has to offer, and he offers so much. Thank you for your time.

Sincerely,

Lorelai Gilmore

This was a very important letter, and I only realized just how important it was recently. When I first watched the original ‘Gilmore Girls’ series, I was utterly confused why Christopher gave the letter so much meaning and even divorced Lorelai over it. When they got into a fight over it after he first found it, Christopher said that he wasn’t going to stay in a marriage where he was the second choice. No matter how many times I rewatched that particular clip, I just couldn’t understand how the character reference letter on how Luke deserved to be a present father to April had anything to do with Christopher being Lorelai’s second choice. Don’t get me wrong, it was easy to see that Lorelai married Christopher mostly because she was lonely after her engagement to Luke broke down. I just didn’t understand how Christopher finally figured it out after reading that letter.

And then it hit me: the letter represented a lot more to Christopher than just him being Lorelai’s second choice. It was also a wake up call for him in regard to his relationship with Rory. Christopher always felt like he was in competition with Luke; not just for Lorelai’s love, but for Rory as well. Remember that time at the Richard and Emily’s vow renewal where Christopher yelled at Luke telling him that he was her father, and then Luke listed all the things he did for her that Christopher didn’t? Lorelai’s character reference was confirmation to him that he did, in fact, fail as a father, and that the mother of his first-born daughter and now-wife was the one who confirmed that not only did he fail as a father, but that the man he was competing with won the battle that the other man didn’t even know he was fighting.

That’s the thing about Luke that made him so great. Even though he was grumpy as heck, he was there. He was always there no matter what, just like Lorelai said he was. He was everything that Christopher wasn’t. He provided Rory with the love and care that Christopher wasn’t ever capable of providing to Rory. Even with the so many chances and opportunities that he had to be there for her, he just couldn’t. Luke being there for Rory had nothing to do with him being in love with Lorelai, and him being there for Lorelai had nothing to do with him being in love with her. He was there for Lorelai even when he was mad at her; and when he knew he had no chance with her. The time where he showed up to the hospital to help Lorelai, Emily and Rory with anything they needed even though Lorelai was married to Christopher and there was nothing in it for him really showcased his emotional intelligence, as well as Christopher’s never-ending immaturity and lack of accountability. He showed up to the hospital eventually after Lorelai spent hours and hours calling him looking for him, but as soon as he saw Luke there, he felt threatened. He couldn’t handle seeing Luke there because Christopher had so much shame in himself as a man.

I think the paragraph that really did the trick for Christopher in finally seeing things for how they actually were rather than for how he wished them to be was this:

I’m a single mother and I raised my daughter by myself. But once Luke Danes became my friend in this town, I never really felt alone. Luke and I have had our ups and downs over the years, but through it all his relationship with my daughter Rory has never changed. He’s always been there for her no matter what. He was there to celebrate her birthdays, he was there cheering her on at her high school graduation. Luke has been a sort of father figure in my daughter’s life.

Rory and Christopher certainly had their ups and downs throughout the original’Gilmore Girls’ series. Again, Christopher truly wanted to be there for Rory, but he didn’t know how to be there for her and be a good parent. By the time that he was ready to be there for her, he felt that it was too late, especially as Luke was the one who was there for her and did all the things a dad should do. Rory desperately wanted to connect with Christopher on a deeper level as a teenager, and even in her 20’s. By the time she hit 30, however, that dream of hers seemed to have diminished, and she came to terms that she will never be close with her father. Christopher only appears in the ‘Gilmore Girls: A Year In The Life’ revival briefly, but it was a very important appearance. It showcased the relationship dynamic of Christopher and Rory’s relationship into her adulthood, which was practically non-existent. When she came to his office to ask him questions about his and Lorelai’s relationship as research for the upcoming book that she was writing about her and her mom, Rory almost treated Christopher as if he was a stranger to her.

During their brief meeting, Rory asked Christopher on Lorelai raising her as a single mother. When she insisted that Christopher had a choice in the matter and chose not to fight Lorelai in him not being there, Christopher said, ‘I think it was exactly what was supposed to happen. And I think [Lorelai] would back me up on that.’ Though she told Christopher she was asking this for the sake of the book, it was evident that his answer gave her clarity into her life, particularly on where she and Christopher stood in their relationship as father-and-daughter, and it broke her heart. Even more so when Christopher got a work call and he chose to take that call over spending time with her. It became all too clear to Rory that Christopher never really wanted to be in her life. I know I’ve been saying that he wanted to be in Rory’s life, but didn’t have the tools and guidance to be there for Rory, but that was when he was 16. There’s simply no excuse for not being there for your child as an adult, especially when the child desperately shows you signs that they want you in their life and gives you chance after chance, after chance, as well as opportunities, to do that.

And yet, in contrast to Christopher, Luke still showed the same care, nurture and support for Rory in her 30’s as he did in her childhood and adolescence. He and Lorelai were in a solid relationship by that point, but he would’ve done the same had they not been together; even with the fact that he now had his own biological daughter that he met and became close with when she was 14. It was about the little things that Luke did that showed how proud he was of her, like put her writing piece in the menu of his diner for all customers to read. And that hug they shared at the end of ‘A Year In The Life’ following Luke and Lorelai’s wedding was priceless. It was a hug that only a father and daughter would share. It was a hug that represented them being a family, with or without the piece of paper that says Luke is married to Rory’s mother. Luke wasn’t the dad that Rory wanted, but one she so desperately needed and deserved.

As much as I love talking about Rory’s relationship with Luke, when we speak of Luke and his parental duties, we just can’t not talk about Jess, his nephew. Jess first comes to Stars Hollow in season 2. He comes to live with Luke as Luke’s sister, Liz, sends him to live there because she doesn’t know what to do with him anymore. Mind you, Liz isn’t the greatest mother in the world either. Jess’s father is completely absent from Jess’s life, and, until she finally gets together with TJ and marries him, Liz gets in and out of relationships with men more than she changes her underwear. With that being said, Luke is the only consistent father figure Jess ends up having in his life.

When he gets to Stars Hollow, Jess isn’t very liked very much by the community due to his bad-boy reputation and rude attitude. Most of all, Lorelai doesn’t like him because she always senses that he’s up to something no good with Rory, and she even becomes very vocal about it with Luke. When Jess gets involved in a car accident with Rory that hurts Rory, Lorelai is very quick to blame Jess for it, and even has the nerve to come to Luke and selfishly demand that he kick Jess out of his care for it. It’s then that we see just how much Luke cares for Jess, and how he’s really the only one who’s there for him; the only one who supports him and loves him unconditionally. Luke interrupts Lorelai’s rant and yells at her, saying that he has Jess to think about and he doesn’t care what she, of all people, has to say. This moment comes almost as a shock to Lorelai as she probably always assumed that he’d choose her and Rory over anyone, even his own flesh and blood, but that just wasn’t the case anymore.

When Luke finds out that Jess wasn’t graduating high school and had to repeat grade 12, Luke gives Jess an ultimatum: go back to school or leave his place for good. Jess decides to leave Stars Hollow altogether and move to California to be with his long-lost father and his family. He comes back to Stars Hollow a year later to attend Liz and TJ’s wedding. But he only goes to the wedding because it’s important for Luke that he does; he says so himself to Luke. Luke doesn’t take his statement seriously, but Jess reassures him that he’s only actually there for Luke, and wouldn’t actually care for the wedding if it wasn’t for Luke. We don’t see Jess for two years thereafter. He comes back in season 6 when he meets Rory at her grandparents’ house to show her that he wrote a book. He turned his life around, and the two people he credited for it were Rory and Luke, but especially Luke. Jess even gives him money as a ‘thank you’ for taking care of him when he didn’t have to. And even more so touching, Jess included a dedication to Luke in his book. When we see Jess again in the ‘Gilmore Girls’ A Year In The Life Revival’, we see him as a 30 year old adult coming to Luke’s diner to visit him just like any good son would come to visit his father. He shows genuine concern and love for Luke, and even though Liz and TJ are still living in Stars Hollow, Jess is there solely to visit Luke. It’s a big deal because Jess never was fond of Stars Hollow. Jess obviously saw Luke as his father, and only ever saw him as someone to look up to. Luke became exactly what Jess needed in his life – someone to show love l, nurture and care for him; someone who respected him; someone who believes in him. Luke was the only person in his life who gave him all that.

I want to go back to Lorelai and her (very complicated) relationship with Richard. In the ‘Gilmore Girls: A Year In The Life’ revival, we see Luke and Lorelai still together. But they seem to live completely separate lives. At one point, they even lie to each other about their lives, such as when Lorelai lies to Luke about her therapy sessions. They obviously love each other, but something is holding them back, particularly Lorelai. The revival also marked Richard’s death. During his funeral function, Emily asks Lorelai to tell a touching story about Richard that meant a lot to her. Lorelai blanks and instead rambles. Hurt by this, Emily doesn’t speak to Lorelai for weeks, though they reconcile eventually. We even see Luke attending Friday night dinner and Emily hugging Luke, which was such a positive change from her treatment of him in the original ‘Gilmore Girls’ series. It showed growth and acceptance from Emily.

Nevertheless, Luke and Lorelai are disconnected in their relationship, and rightfully so, Emily calls Luke to be Lorelai’s roommate than her partner. After watching a (very f*cking weird) musical number lead by Broadway legends Sutton Foster and Christian Borle, Lorelai has an epiphany and goes on a ‘Wild’ adventure all on her own. Luke is worried that Lorelai will break things off with him, and touchingly shares his feelings to Jess. We know that neither of them were ever all about feelings and communication, so it was a real heartwarming moment where we got to see Jess and Luke come to one another and being comfortable and at ease with each other that way.

It was on her ‘Wild’ adventure that Lorelai finally thinks of a touching story between her and Richard. She calls Emily, presumably early in the morning, to tell her the story of how back when she turned 13, she went to the mall after getting getting hurt by a boy at school because she was too embarrassed and thought she’d get judged by her parents if she went home due to their controlling ways and how complicated their relationship dynamic was. She was hungry and craved her favourite pretzel, but couldn’t buy it because she couldn’t afford it. While sitting alone at the mall, she saw Richard. She was afraid she’d get in trouble, but instead Richard had her favourite pretzel in his hand. In Lorelai’s own words, it was the best birthday she ever had.

I’d like to just add that Lorelai could’ve thought of numerous more moments between her and her father, like the time he came to her house to give her her favourite dollhouse when he and Emily were cleaning out their house when they were still estranged following the wedding vow renewal; like how proud he was her business endeavour and success in owning her hotel; like how he defended her against Christopher’s parents when Christopher’s father was talking down on her. But especially, how Richard never took his anger towards Lorelai out on Rory, and how no matter what he and Lorelai were going through and the hardships they faced in their relationship, he never talked down on Lorelai with Rory.

But it was that phone call with her mother that Lorelai realizes that her troubles always had to do with her ‘daddy issues’. She comes back home, and before she comes home, we see Luke taking care of Lorelai’s dog, Paul Anna, if he was his own child (again, fatherly moment coming from Luke). When Lorelai returns, he finally gives Lorelai everything she ever wanted from him, which was to tell her how he really feels. He gives an entire speech about how much he loves and cares for her, where he says, ‘God dammit, Lorelai! We have been through so much. We have watched each other go from person to person. I mean, there was Rachel, and Max, and Christopher. I had to watch you marry that guy and it was awful! But we made it here — we made it through all of that. There is no one who will be more here for you than me. I will never leave. I will never think about leaving.’ It’s then that Lorelai finally tells Luke she wants to get married to him.

It was a full circle moment for Luke Danes – as a partner, a father, and a human being.