The Menendez Brothers: How The Misconception Of Male Sexual Assault Failed Them – And How The New Public Perception Is Saving Them

We’d been talking about parental abuse and neglect in previous blog posts, as we discussed ‘Girlmore Girls’’s Emily Gilmore, the third Gilmore Girl played by Kelly Bishop, as well as Luke Danes and how he was actually accidentally the best example of what parenthood should look like. And then we spoke of ‘Home For Christmas’ character of Jonas to its depth, the ‘To All The Boys I’ve Loved Before’ franchise and its spinoff show, ‘XO Kitty’. Somewhere in between, we mentioned Noah Centenio’s performances in ‘Sarah Burgess Is A Loser’ and ‘The Perfect Date’. And we even managed to squeeze in Christina Haack, Megan Fox, and Eminem in our conversation. We now might as well now discuss the Menendez brothers. If you haven’t heard of them before, or if you need a refresher, I’ll give you just that. Before OJ Simpson became the most hated person in America for being accused of killing his ex-wife, Nicole Brown Simpson, and her friend, Ron Goldman, in 1994, the Menendez brothers, Lyle and Erik, made waves in 1990 for the cold blooded murders of their parents, José and Mary Louise Menendez. Their first trial was made into an entertainment mockery scheme. Others were monetizing from their pain and sorrow, and that’s just heartbreaking and devastating.

I first heard of their case years ago, and I’m embarrassed to say that I laughed at the fact that the two brothers even wanted to fight the system to prove their innocence. They went on a money spending spree following the murders, how could they be innocent? The brothers ‘popularity’ died down with time. But with the new Ryan Murphy led series, ‘Monsters’ being released earlier this year, the case gained an entirely new perspective, and an entirely new generation was endlessly talking about it on TikTok. Kim Kardashians, whose father, Rob Kardashian, famously represented OJ Simpson during his 1994 murder trial where he was eventually acquitted, chummed in following the release of ‘Monster’ in support of the Menendez brothers.

Kardashians wrote on NBC News:

‘We are all products of our experiences. They shape who we were, who we are, and who we will be. Physiologically and psychologically, time changes us, and I doubt anyone would claim to be the same person they were at 18. I know I’m not! 

You think you know the story of Lyle and Erik Menendez. I certainly thought I did: In 1989, the brothers, aged 21 and 18, respectively, viciously shot and killed their parents in their Beverly Hills home. In 1996, after two trials, they were sentenced to life in prison without the possibility of parole. As is often the case, this story is much more complex than it appears on the surface. Both brothers said they had been sexually, physically and emotionally abused for years by their parents. According to Lyle, the abuse started when he was just 6 years old, and Erik said he was raped by his father for more than a decade. Following years of abuse and a real fear for their lives, Erik and Lyle chose what they thought at the time was their only way out — an unimaginable way to escape their living nightmare.’

Ummm…..

Kardashians is most certainly right. None of us are the same people that we were when we were 18 years old, or even when we’re 21 years old. I’m not the same person I was at 18 and 21. I was a baby compared to who I am now. But I also didn’t kill my parents at that age, so I can’t say I relate to her wording, nor can I say I empathize with her testament that that’s a good enough reason to be released from prison. With that being said, I don’t believe Kardashians had a strong opening statement. She did, however, have a good middle and end. The story of the Menendez brothers is actually a tragic one; one that the public was too busy to mock instead of acknowledging the actuality of the events that led to the murder.

Despite her somewhat weak testament on the case, it was great to know that the trial moved her enough to speak up about it. She’s not perfect, but she tries, and that’s what truly matters. She’s not perfect and she never claimed herself to be, which has been something I’ve always admired about her. I even appreciated the vulnerability that she showed during her divorce from Kris Humphries in 2011 that has been made into a meme. She’s not a practicing lawyer just yet, and she’s making a difference already. People are just hard on her because she’s in her father’s shadow, and because she’s….a Kardashian.

With all due respect, I think she’s become too good to be in reality TV, and that she needs to focus more on her business endeavours and her work as a lawyer. Not even on acting, as she’s actually not too bad at it either, but her businesses and lawyering. People really love to hate her simply because they can say whatever the heck they want, especially on the internet. The fact of the matter is, however, Kim Kardashians is very smart. She’s skilled. And she’s DOES actually have talent, contrary to what others believe. And I do believe that she might actually be able to make a change in the case of the Menendez brothers. A new trial was initially set for November, but with so much evidence at hand to consider, the trial was delayed to January 2025.

Nevertheless…

I think it’s time that we go back to our regular program, which is to discuss and put our heads together on the case of Erik and Lyle Menendez. I’d like to add that after watching their documentary and hearing each of the brothers’ testimonies of the events that led them to commit such crimes, I indirectly got to help out a mom to understand the signs of abuse happening to a child. She wrote in her post that she walked in on her stepson *touching* her daughter. When she talked to him about what she saw, he said it was for play time. Without hesitation, I commented her asking if she watched the documentary, particularly the scene where Lyle spoke of the time where he touched Erik in his…area the same way as the woman’s stepson touched her daughter because he saw it as playtime.

I felt so relieved that I was able to help, even if it was just the slightest of nudges. The reason I even knew of the matter is a saddening one, disgustingly so. Nonetheless, hearing about it from Lyle himself was an educational moment. And seeing Erik break down in tears as he heard his brother relive that moment in his head and apologize to him was absolutely heartbreaking and devastating. I’d even say it was emotionally crippling. And nevertheless, despite all this, Erik has said, ‘Lyle was the only person that had ever protected me.’ These past several blog entries had to do with toxic parenting, parental neglect and parental abuse, but none of these subject matters even compared to the one we’re discussing right here, right now.

Their story is very much misunderstood. One would say, ‘Jose was a successful businessman. Kitty was the caring mother. Two boys emblematic of wealth and privilege. Why would you kill your parents?’ And another would say, ‘As the prosecutor, I knew it was plain old greed.’ The brothers themselves would say, ‘We looked like the perfect family but behind the walls something very wrong was happening.’ As I watched the documentary about their crimes, I couldn’t believe my own eyes and ears. How out of touch could someone be when speaking about the case? Wealth and privilege doesn’t mean happiness, and being an unhappy child in wealth and privilege doesn’t mean greed. The prosecutor that was interviewed for the documentary most certainly pissed me off the most. It’s her, and people like her, that both Lyle and Erik Menendez have spent more than 30 years in prison for crimes that they did commit, but shouldn’t have paid for.

I’m in no way saying that murder is a solution to one’s problems. In no way am I condoning murder. So please don’t get it twisted; because in no way am I saying that kids that are abused should commit such a senseless crime. Child abuse is defined as a mistreatment that is committed at the hands of a caregiver or a parent. Such abuse can be brought in a form of physical abuse, emotional abuse, psychological abuse, medical abuse, educational abuse, supervisory abuse, and yes, sexual abuse. If ever there is a sign of abuse or harm is suspected, one can factor in such ways in confirming it:

• Physical exam, including evaluating injuries or signs and symptoms of suspected abuse or neglect
• Lab tests, X-rays or other tests
• Information about the child’s medical and developmental history
• Description or observation of the child’s behavior
• Observing interactions between parents or caregivers and the child
• Discussions with parents or caregivers
• Talking, when possible, with the child

There are 6 ways someone can help an abused child open up about their trauma caused by the people that were supposed to protect them. These 6 ways are:

1. Encourage the child to tell you what happened.
2. Remind the child that he or she isn’t responsible for the abuse.
3. Offer comfort.
4. Report the abuse.
5. Help the child remain safe.
6. Consider additional support.

Absolutely none of this was ever provided to the Menendez brothers. NONE. Most of the time, abuse is only seen when it’s physical abuse. There are physical signs of abuse, such as:

• bruises, black eyes, welts, lacerations, and rope marks.
• broken bones.
• open wounds, cuts, punctures, untreated injuries in various stages of healing.
• broken eyeglasses/frames, or any physical signs of being punished or restrained.
• laboratory findings of either an overdose or under dose medications.

But the signs of abuse that the brothers might’ve shown and communicated – the signs that are unseen or untouchable – were very much ignored and weren’t taken seriously. The family came from wealth and money. They seemed like the perfect little family – on the outside. And as the brothers kept saying time and time again, they seemed like the perfect family. But they weren’t. They weren’t perfect by any means. The Menendez brothers were tormented and tortured by their own parents. The abuse itself was at the hands of Jose Menendez, their father. Their mother, Kitty, didn’t necessarily abuse them, but she did know about it, which makes her just as guilty if not more.

Let me explain…

A parent who knows their child is being abused by the other parent and doesn’t do anything about it is just as guilty as the parent who’s doing the abusing. As a parent, it’s your responsibility to protect your child(ren) at all costs. Silence is consent. And when the child in question finds out that the other parent knew of the abuse and did nothing about it, the child suffers from it a lot more than from the abuse itself. One Quora user explained it absolutely perfectly:

‘It is the single biggest betrayal you will ever encounter in life.

It will make you question yourself, your sanity and if the abuse was even that bad, or happened at all!

It makes you feel lonely, depressed and wholly unloved for the biggest part if not all of your life.

It is impossible to forgive, or forget on your side; yet you will find that it barely registers in the minds of those who betrayed you.

The abuse is never spoken of again with those who should have been protectors, forcing you to relive it alone until you need therapy for post traumatic stress disorder and depression. Even then you don’t want to admit it happened as you feel they won’t believe you and will see through your (imagined) facade.’

According to Kathy Cady, a victims rights attorney, Kitty Menendez’ brother, Milton Andersen, who’s now 90 years old, believes that his nephews shouldn’t be released and continue to serve their life sentences, at least for the murder of Kitty. Cady told Eyewitness News, ‘Mr. Andersen firmly believes that his nephews were not molested. He believes that is a fabrication and he believes that the motive was pure greed. At the time of the trial, at least according to the court of appeal opinion, one of the brothers said that killing her was – quote – a mercy killing. Mr. Andersen just wants to make sure that whatever decision is made, that it’s not politically driven, that it really is done because of the right reasons. Mr. Andersen understands that he’s not going to be the one who’s going to be able to make the final decision, but he wants to make sure that the person who does make that final decision doesn’t forget about him.’

And yet, Kitty Menéndez’ sister, Joan VanderMolen, now 92, has a completely different testament to Erik and Lyle’s abuse claims. She said in a press conference, ‘I had no idea the extent of the abuse they suffered at the hands of my brother-in-law. None of us did. We know that abuse has long effects, and victims of trauma sometimes act in ways that are very difficult to understand. The whole world was not ready to hear that boys could be raped. Today we know better. VanderMolen also told a a judge at a status hearing, ‘It breaks my heart that my sister Kitty knew what was happening and did nothing about it, that we knew of. They never knew if tonight would be the night they would be raped. It’s time for them to come home. No child should have to endure what Lyle and Erik had to at the hands of their father.’ At the same hearing, the brothers’ other aunt, Terry Baralt, now 85, said, ‘I feel 35 years is a long time. I think it is time for them to come home.’

I don’t understand…

The family knew the abuse was happening. They knew, and they did absolutely nothing about it. It doesn’t matter that they didn’t know the extent of the abuse. They knew abuse was happening in the home, and they did nothing to stop it. In hindsight, this very fact makes them guilty as well. Not as guilty as Kitty as they weren’t the brothers’ parents, but guilty nevertheless. I just can’t imagine being Kitty Menendez’ brother – to love your sister so much to be so oblivious to not believe that she could do no wrong, and instead put the blame on the actual victims.

That’s not to ever say that Erik and Lyle didn’t deserve jail time. They did. But not a life sentence. They don’t even deserve to have spent 35 years that they’ve already spent in jail. The fact of the matter is that the brothers have been in jail for as long as they have because they’re men. Had they been women, they would’ve been released a long time ago. Anna Maria Baralt, José Menendez’s niece and the brothers’ cousin said in a news conference, ‘If they were the Menendez sisters, they would not be in custody. We have evolved.’ The brothers’ post-conviction lawyer, Mark Geragos, attested to that statement. He, too, believes that had the brothers were the Menendez sisters, they would’ve been treated much differently than they have for the past 35 years.

And it’s absolutely true. Just look at Gypsy Rose Blanchard. She, along with her boyfriend at the time, Nicholas Godejohn, murdered her mother, Dee Dee, in 2015 after she’d gone through years of abuse by pretending Gypsy Rose was disabled for financial gain. Gypsy Rose met Godejohn online with the sole intention of him killing he’d mother. She manipulated him into doing the deed as he was mentally disabled, making him vulnerable. And nevertheless, during their trials. Gypsy Rose was found guilty was second degree murdered and was sentenced to 10 years in prison. Godejohn was found guilty of first degree murder and was sentenced to life in prison. She was released early on parole in December 2023 after serving 8 years in prison. Godejohn is in prison to this day for a crime he probably wouldn’t have committed had it not been for his disabilities.

And she’s been living her life since being released from prison. She’s lived more and done more than most people in do in 10 years. I’m just a year, Gypsy Rose has managed to build an entire career, be married, get divorced, get into a relationship with another man, and get pregnant. She’s made an entire life for herself in a span of just 365 days. She didn’t skip a beat. She didn’t waste any time. It just seems so crazy to me. What’s also crazy to me is the drastic difference in the treatment that she received vs. the treatment that the Menendez brothers received following their similar crimes. In hindsight, Gypsy Rose committed a more grievous crime than the Menendez brothers did. She had an innocent, vulnerable man do the crime for her, and he’ll be spending the rest of his life paying for the mistake of trusting her.

The drastic differences in how the legal system, and society in general, treated Gypsy Rose and the Menendez brothers just goes to show that there’s a serious disconnect in the understanding of sexual assault, as well as the overall insight on sexual assault. Sexual assault doesn’t discriminate. It can happen to anyone, no matter your age, sexual orientation, or gender identity. But even though sexual assault doesn’t discriminate, society does. Society discriminates on gender even today when it comes down to sexual assault, but even more so in the 1990’s. No one could ever believe that men could be victims of sexual assault. It was a laughable matter, just like the Menendez brothers’ murder trial was. There was a growing awareness of sexual assault against men, but there were still many misconceptions and barriers to addressing it: 

• Under-reporting – studies in the 1990s found that sexual assault against men was common, but under-reported, under-recognized, and under-treated. 
• Gender stereotypes – men are often viewed as the powerful protector or perpetrator of violence, and the stereotype of traditional masculinity is inconsistent with victimhood. 
• Legal system – the legal system was unwilling to provide legal remedy to male sexual assault victims. For example, some legal systems only apply definitions of rape to females. 
• Shame and stigma – the extreme shame and stigma surrounding the issue causes many victims to remain silent. 
• Incarceration – common belief is that men are only raped in institutional settings such as prison. 
• Misperceptions – some federal agencies used outdated definitions and categories of sexual victimization. 
• Household sampling – the data most widely reported in the press are derived from household sampling, which misses many who are at great risk for sexual victimization.

Failure…

Erik and Lyle Menendez were failed right from the get-go; again, by the legal system and society. Their trial was mocked and made for entertainment. Rape culture was very problematic, to say the least. It wasn’t kind – even towards women. Canada, for one, went under extreme measures to see changes in how rape and sexual assault is viewed and handled in the legality means of things. These changes include:

• Bill C-46 – passed in 1997, this bill amended the Criminal Code to require the production of records in sexual offense proceedings. Many feminist organizations considered this a victory for women’s equality rights. 
• Gender neutral offences – in 1983, the Criminal Code replaced gender-specific sexual offenses with three gender neutral offenses. These offenses focus on the level of violence used, rather than the type of sexual act. 
• Removal of marital rape exemption – the Criminal Code was amended to remove the marital rape exemption. 
• Changes to evidentiary requirements – the Criminal Code changed evidentiary requirements for sexual assault cases. For example, corroboration of the victim’s testimony is no longer required to secure a conviction.

There’s something here that needs to be discussed further, and that is fender and sexual assault, as well as timing and public perceptions. It was only in 1983, that the code of law replaced gender specific sexual offences with three gender-neutral offences. The Menendez brothers’ trial was in 1990. Not enough time had passed to change how the world viewed rape and sexual assault. The neons that men can, in fact, be victims of sexual crimes were so new at the time that it’s really no wonder that the Menendez brothers were mocked and laughed at when they told their story of parental abuse. They were adult men in their 20’s when the story of what they’d gone through as children unfolded, which was why they hadn’t been taken seriously. The world saw them as men being molested in the 1990’s; not boys being molested and tortured by a parental figure.

Let’s make one thing clear, though. We’ve been labeling what the Menendez brothers had gone through at the hands of their parents as sexual assault when, in fact, it was sexual abuse that they’d faced at the hands of their parents. Sexual assault refers to a victim of an adult age (18+), whereas sexual abuse refers to a victim of a minor age (17 and under), someone who cannot legally give consent. Here are some key notes on child molestation and abuse at the hands of their caregivers and abuse:

• 6 in 10 children – or 400 million children – under 5 years of age regularly suffer physical punishment and/or psychological violence at the hands of parents and caregivers.
• Consequences of child molestation and abuse include impaired lifelong physical and mental health, and the social and occupational outcomes can ultimately slow a country’s economic and social development.
• Child molestation and abuse is often hidden. Only a fraction of child victims ever get support from health professionals.
• Preventing child maltreatment before it starts is possible. Effective prevention approaches include supporting parents, teaching positive parenting skills and enhancing laws to prohibit violent punishment.
• Protecting a child who is molested and abused at home by a parent or a caregiver is possible. One must know the signs such as physical bruising and behavioural changes in a child. One must take action right away to protect the child and get them to a safe environment as quickly and smoothly as possible.
• Consequences of child molestation and abuse include impaired lifelong physical and mental health, and the social and occupational outcomes can ultimately slow a country’s economic and social development.

Since the release of Ryan Murphy’s ‘Monster’, as well as the Netflix documentary all about their trial, the Menendez brothers’ case has been getting an entire new generation listening to them. That generation is the generation of social media, particularly TikTok. The platform was flooded with endless support for the brothers, with influencers endlessly advocating for their release. And now, thanks to all these influencers and content creators who tirelessly spoke of the Menendez brothers that they’re getting a new trial that’s set for January 2025. They have a chance to be released and actually live their lives in the real world; live the lives they deserve.

I just have to say, our generation is so beautiful. With all the hardships that are going on in the world, it’s just beautiful to see so much goodness coming from the young generation (not that I’m old). The conversation surrounding sexual assault has changed drastically since the 1990’s, when the Menendez brothers’ trial took place, and it’s all thanks to technology. There’s still much to discuss, of course, but nothing could compare to how we see sexual assault between now and back in the day. Reasons for that include:

• Generational differences – millennials are now more confident about standing up for themselves, and that they are less tolerant of harassment. However, many might assume that the breaking of the silence around sexual harassment is more due to technology, which has made it less isolating.
• Social norms – social norms can make it difficult for men to seek help for sexual assault. Men are are often made to believe that they should be strong and in control, and that seeking help is a sign of weakness. 
• The #MeToo movement – the #MeToo movement on X, previously known as Twitter, has provided a space for male survivors to share their experiences, and to find emotional support and community. 
• Renegotiating masculine norms – might assume that male victims of sexual assault need to renegotiate masculine norms in order to break the cycle of violence. 
• False beliefs about rape – false beliefs about rape, such as the idea that the victim “asked for it”, can increase the likelihood of future sexual violence. That’s the old way of thinking of rape culture. The new generation is now more aware and has more of an understanding of what rape and sexual trauma really is.

The Menendez brothers were failed in the 1990’s. They were failed by the legal system and the public perception. Now, 30+ years later, things are changing. We’re finally seeing their story in a new light. There’s also new evidence to be examined that was completely ignored back then. We’re all eager to see what happens next for the brothers, and we’re all hoping that they’ll both be free.

Despite the Menendez brothers’ case being mocked and made for entertainment purposes by the media, there were a lot of supporters back then too who followed both trials the brothers had to endure in the 1990’s, with the first ending in a mistrial and the second with life sentences. They are now noting that the new evidence, as well as how society had changed in its understanding of sexual violence against both males and females. I’m so glad to see that so many people of the older generation are agreeing with me and are so much more aware and understanding as I am, as well as many others of the younger generation. We’re all eagerly waiting for January to arrive, hoping that the new DA will see it the way we ALL see it, with the exception of the Menendez brothers’ uncle, of course.