Shannen Doherty: The Most Valuable Lessons We Can Learn About The Break Down Of A Marriage While Going Through An Illness – And Why It’s So Crucial For A Woman To Protect Her Assets Before Getting Married

Writing my previous blog entry about Demi Moore and her exploring her 45 year career that only now resulted in her being recognized for her work made me think so much of Patrick Swayze, her co-star in the 1990’s ‘Ghost’, which also co-starred Whoopi Goldberg. And just as a refresher, it was Patrick Swayze who got Goldberg her part as Oda, which won her an Oscar. She previously told David Krager, ‘I get a phone call from my agent, Ron Meyer, who says, ‘Patrick Swayze has been hired for this movie. Patrick is not going to do this if you don’t do it. Can you make some time for him and the director to come up? So they [Zucker and Swayze] flew in, I meet Patrick, and out of the blue, we’re old friends. … About 40 minutes go by and Patrick says, ‘Please do this [movie] with me.’ I was like, ‘Yeah, okay.’ And that’s how it happened.’

This is a true testament to what I was saying in my previous blog entry in how important it is for men to advocate for women. This role was pivotal in Goldberg’s long-lasting career. It opened a lot of doors for her, and it was a man who made it all possible for her. Swayze passed away in 2009 following a battle with cancer. And yet, Goldberg has never shied away from crediting her former co-star and friend for her success. As the saying goes, it’s not what you know, it’s who you know.

At the time of his death, Swyaze was married to Lisa Niemi. The two married in 1975, but met 4 years prior when Niemi came to the Houston Ballet Dance, which was owned by Swayze’s father. She was a big advocate in supporting Swayze in his illness, and even used her pilot licence to fly him to his cancer treatments from their 5-acre (20,000 m²) homestead near the Angeles National Forest. Following his death, Niemi remarried in 2014 to jeweller, Albert DePrisco. In 2023, she opened up in an interview with Today of her finding love again. She said, ‘I have a dear widow friend. I fell in love with Albert. I said, ‘It’s really weird because it doesn’t conflict with the love that I still have for Patrick.’ And just because somebody’s gone doesn’t mean you fall out of love. My wise friend said, ‘That’s because love comes from the same well.’ I thought that’s a really wonderful thing to say. Albert and I both felt like we have a lot of love still left to give and felt very fortunate we found someone to give it to. Here and there, it (Swayze’s movies) kind of catches me unaware and I always have my favorite parts. I always cry in the same three places in Ghost. I always love him falling out of the back of the airplane in “Point Break”, going, ‘Adios, amigo,’ because that’s him. That’s so quintessential Patrick. His voice is in my head. He comments on what I’m doing. When I need a bolstering up or something’s going on, I can ask him in my head, and I hear exactly what he’s saying, which is generally, ‘Come on, girl, get real. I still care and I know how tough Patrick’s and my journey was with this. Cancer may have taken him, but it didn’t beat him. And I’m continuing his fight for him.’

On top of being a professional dancer and a licences pilot, Lisa Niemi is a best-selling author. Together with Swayze, she co-wrote ‘The Time Of My Life’, and following his death, she wrote ‘Worth Fighting For: Love, Loss, and Moving Forward’. If there’s anything we can take away from Lisa Niemi, it’s that love never really dies. Instead, it morphs into something else. It’s more than could be said for other people’s stories of love lost. And I’m not just saying it with a grain of salt. Let’s take Shannen Doherty as an example. Doherty starred in the 1990’s cult classic, ‘Beverly Hills 90210’ alongside Tori Spelling, Brian Austin Hreen, Jennie Garth, as well as the late Luke Perry, who passed away in 2019 due to a stroke. Following his death, Doherty, made a guest appearance on ‘Riverdale’, a show in which he starred in up until his death. She played a stranded motorcyclist who claims that Perry’s character saved her life.

I personally never knew much of Doherty’s work as an actress. I never even watched ‘Beverly Hills 90210’; not a single episode. Though, I know of that legendary love triangle storyline between Doherty’s Brenda, Perry’s Dylan, and Garth’s Kelly. Instead, I got to know of her through her advocacy following her cancer diagnosis. Her timeline is as follows:

• 2015 – Doherty was diagnosed with invasive breast cancer that had spread to at least one lymph node. She underwent a mastectomy, chemotherapy, and radiation. 
• 2017 – Doherty announced that she was in remission. She also had reconstructive surgery. 
• 2020 – Doherty announced that her cancer had returned and was stage 4. 
• 2023 – Doherty announced that the cancer had spread to her brain and bones. She underwent brain surgery for the brain tumor. 

In the midst of her battle with cancer, Doherty was hopeful for the future. In an episode of her podcast, ‘Let’s Be Clear With Shannen Doherty’, where she spoke heavily about her illness, she said, ‘I can die today, I can die in 20 years, I don’t know. I can die walking outside of my house and a tree falling on me or a bus hitting me or whatever. Or I can die of cancer. But all I can do is live each day in as much of a positive manner with a lot of hope as I can and embrace it and be like, ‘Wow, I get to wake up again today, and what do I get to do?’ I think that positivity that you bring into your life helps you with your whole body.’

Sadly, Doherty passed away on July 13, 2024. At the time of her death, she was married to Kurt Iswarienko, a photographer. They got married in 2011, but separated in 2023. The divorce was finalized…the day after Doherty’s death. The split was anything but amicable. In June 2024, Doherty accused her ex of waiting for her to die. In court documents, she wrote, ‘It is simply not right that Kurt be permitted to prolong our divorce in hopes that I die before he is required to pay me. It is simply not right that Kurt be permitted to prolong our divorce in hopes that I die before he is required to pay me while he continues to live his life and shirk his responsibilities to his dying wife of more than 11 years. Kurt has been utilizing the airplane, spending thousands of dollars at medical spas, jewelry stores, Gucci, and on flights… while simultaneously claiming he has insufficient funds with which to support me.’

According court documents, at the time of the report, Iswarienko’s average annual income over the past three years was $672,916 spendable. This left “at least” $56,076 per month spendable, of which Doherty’s lawyers stated the spousal support would come out. Those same calculations for Doherty came out to be an annual average of $259,708, which included her work in 2021 and 2022, residuals and was when she had health insurance. To date this year, Doherty claims to have made slightly over $25,000, which her lawyers said showed a significant drop in income. She had also incurred nearly $160,000 in legal fees and is requesting Iswarienko pay $130,000 for future fees, along with $10,000 to clear the current balance she owes her attorneys. In the filing, the podcast host was requesting $15,434 per month in spousal support from the photographer, claiming she would be losing her SAG health insurance from not working and her ‘Charmed’ residuals are decreasing.

I remember reading this very statement back when it was just reported, and I couldn’t help but feel so distraught for her. It’s hard enough to go through an illness such as cancer. It’s hard to go through a separation and a divorce. But having to go through both simultaneously is absolutely unimaginable. The first few years following my epilepsy diagnosis marked the hardest, most vulnerable period in my life. Having my husband by my side made it all worthwhile. We did go through hurdles in our relationship, of course, and topics of separation were discussed throughout my struggles of navigating my life as not only a physically disabled woman, but a chronically ill woman too. I even remember my husband telling me that maybe part of my recovery process was starting my life over without him.

Though we didn’t end up separating, we did separate years prior, and we made a conscious decision to discuss our settlements in a mature, calm matter. We were cordial throughout our time as a separated married couple. We were still supportive of one another as we still had love for each other. We separated not because of love lost, but because we were going through too much for both of us to handle as a united front. With that said, we weren’t ready to give up on each other, so we reunited. Now that we have a child together, we promised each other that no matter what happens between the two of us, our son will always comes first; and that no matter how much we might hate each other, our son needs both of us to be a united front and not act as a family, but actually be a family. Maybe we understand ourselves just how important and valuable it is to be a family following a divorce when you have a child is that my husband’s own parents are divorced and I watched my own parents separate twice at a young age. No matter the reason for it, I’m grateful.

This topic, and my take it on it, greatly reminded me of a segment I saw on ‘The Real’, the daytime talk show that was hosted by Tamera Mowry-Housley, Loni Love, Jeannie Mai, and Adrienne Bailon. At the time of that specific segment, Tamar Braxton was also part of the show (she was fired in 2016 after 2 seasons). In the segment, the 5 women were talking about prenuptial agreements. Adrienne, who wasn’t married at the time, confidently said that she wouldn’t sign a prenuptial agreement because it didn’t sound romantic to her. The other women echoed that it wasn’t about romance, but about protection. Mowry in particular, who’s been working in the entertainment industry since she was a child, said she and her husband both signed prenuptial agreements before they got married in 2011. She had her husband sign it to protect her money, and he had her sign it to protect his family’s money, as well as the family business. Jeannie Mai, who was married to Freddy Harteis at the time, signed a prenuptial agreement, whereas she didn’t, and as she said, now that ‘I make my own coin’, she wished she had. And boy was she right! That man’s true colours certainly shined through when they divorced after 10 years of marriage.

Tamar Braxton was married to Vincent Herbert. She said of prenups, ‘Vincent and I, we don’t have a prenup because when we got married, we had a discussion and we discussed divorce is not an option. So, that will always be the last, last, last, last of the resort! Because I am a product of a divorce child and I didn’t like the way that made me feel.’ And when Adrienne said that the idea of signing a prenup didn’t sound romantic to her and asked the question of why anyone would marry someone who they thought was going to mistreat them, Tamar responded by telling her of what her mother told her – that when she and her husband, Tamar’s father, whom she’s been with since she was 15, became unrecognizable to her following their divorce.

Tamar and Herbert ended up divorcing in 2019, I personally think it was a big mistake that they didn’t have a prenup. And it’s not about money, but rather about power. Neither of the two needed each other’s money. Nevertheless, one was more powerful than the other, and one more power over the other – literally. You see, Vincent Herbert is a music executive, and throughout his marriage to Tamar, he managed his career. He founded Streamline Records in 2007, an imprint of Interscope Records. And to understand further what a powerful, manipulative man he can be, he managed JoJo throughout the first decade of her career. JoJo’s career path and her legal battle with her label was heavily mentioned in the blog entry with Iggy Azalea as the subject matter. He’s also managed Lady Gaga, Destiny’s Child, and more.

In the end, Tamar and Vincent mixing business with pleasure eventually cost Tamar her music career. Following the success of her family’s reality show, Tamar and Vince went on to have their own reality show, ‘Tamar & Vince’, which ran from 2012 to 2017 and chronicled their marriage and then the breakdown of their marriage while ‘Braxton Family Values’ was still on the air. When Tamar and Vince were going through marital problems, Tamar attempted to find a new management in order to save her marriage. She said in a confessional on ‘Braxton Family Values, ‘It wasn’t working anymore. I couldn’t talk about work, I couldn’t ask about work, I couldn’t ask about the relationship, he couldn’t ask me nothing. It was just a toxic situation for us both.’ Then in 2017, she told Entertainment Tonight, ‘There’s a lot of things that are going on in my relationship and me being close to this music industry, and whatever I can do to eliminate all of the stress and problems off of my relationship, I would rather do that.’

With that said, Tamar hasn’t released a studio album since 2017. It seemed as though Vincent controlled every aspect of Tamar’s career, and not just specifically in music. ‘Braxton Family Values’ chronicled the exact moments of Tamar receiving the news that she was fired from ‘The Real’ in 2016. It came out of the blue. Without any warning. Without any talks. Without any conversations or communications. It wasn’t even communicated with her directly. She later told Steve Harvey in 2020, ‘To be honest about it, [the scene] is pretty much two hours after it all happened. I was actually on my way to shoot a scene for the Braxtons and, that’s when I got the news from Vince. The cameras just so happened to be there and, you get a really clear, candid picture of my sisters being there for me and me pretty much having to be open and honest about my feelings. It’s kind of hard for me because I don’t really like when people see me break down and I did because I had nothing to really hold on to besides my family and my sisters and they really show up for me. Everyone, I think, at some point in your life, feels like the rug is being pulled from under you but, no one is actually there to see it. I don’t really look at myself as a celebrity and I know that sounds crazy but, I’m just being myself and it’s just being documented. So, at the end of the day you really get a chance to see Tamar in human form and understand that I don’t think I am above and beyond anybody else, I’’m just like everybody else. I’m a regular person, a regular woman. I have feelings and, at the end of the day, I got my heart broken. It just wasn’t by a man.’

During the first two seasons of ‘The Real’, Herbert was a producer on the daytime talk show. My own personal theory is that Vincent himself had a lot more to do with Tamar’s firing than he led on. Many in the public agree with me too. It’s also important to note that according to Tamar, the firing happened on a Saturday, which is absolutely unheard of in the Human Resources world. This makes the entire ordeal seem fishy and even more so of a reason to think that Herbert had something to do, if not everything to do, with her firing. Tamar’s former ‘The Real’ co-hosts also were in agreement of that in an interview they did in 2018.

Following the announcement of their separation, I watched the 5th and final season of ‘Tamar & Vince’. That was the season that chronicled the events that led to their separation and divorce. It was heartbreaking to watch the entire breakdown of their relationship unfold. This could be made into an entire blog entry in itself. To say that the last season of the show was messy would be an understatement. Then in her 2020 docu-series, ‘Tamar Braxton’: Get Ya Life!’, Tamar spoke of her life post-divorce. She’d lost everything in her separation with Vincent Herbert, including her own identity. She didn’t know who she was without him. Then she went to speak with her prospect future manager, she talked about feeling like a failure, especially as a mother to her son, Logan. She says, ‘If I lose, then my son loses. Who does he have if he doesn’t have me?’

As a mother myself, I felt that in my bones. I was ready to cry with her as I watched that clip. Thinking about it made me look back at what Angelina Jolie said about losing her voice when she did an interview with Variety’s Roundtable alongside Demi Moore, Zendaya, and others. She said, ‘didn’t realize how much that had blocked me. I didn’t realize how much I didn’t know my voice. I didn’t understand how much life changes your voice, whether it be childbirth or death, or someone you love, or sickness or whatever it may be. But we hold things in our body. We change the way we are.’

Tamar lost her voice in her divorce from Vincent Herbert. I, too, lost my voice in my life. Not in a divorce, nor even in my separation from my husband. But in my health struggles. Shannen Doherty lost her voice in both her divorce and health struggles. I actually wouldn’t say she lost her voice in her health struggles, because she became the most vocal in her advocacy in health and wellness following her cancer diagnosis. That’s why I always admired her. In my own health struggles, she was someone I looked up to. She was always someone I aspired to be like.

In an episode of her ‘Let’s Be Clear’ podcast, she told her ex-fiancé, Rob Weiss, ‘I love the idea of marriage. I believe in that, but after my last brutal marriage, what it taught me is that a piece of paper doesn’t really mean anything. It doesn’t stop a person from lying.’ Like Tamar said in another segment on ‘The Real’, if a man wants to cheat on you, he WILL cheat on you. And in the very first episode of ‘Let’s Be Clear’ podcast, Doherty opened up about how she found out her husband was cheating on her. She said, ‘I went into that surgery early in the morning and I went in after I found out that my marriage was essentially over, that my husband had been carrying on an affair for two years. To not go in that surgery, even though, being very clear, he wanted to go, I couldn’t go into that surgery with him there. I felt so betrayed. At the end of the day, I just felt so incredibly unloved by someone I was with for 14 years, by someone I loved with all my heart. Just to have to go through all of that while trying to figure out if you’re going to get a f—- divorce and trying to get to the truth of that. It was embarrassing. I am horrified that I can’t keep a relationship together. I [thought] it is a reflection on me, but this one I think this one is on him. I’ve failed three times at marriage, but I still believe in love. I also take some responsibility for the demise of our marriage — actually, that’s not true. Let me rephrase that, I do not take responsibility for the demise of our marriage, I take responsibility for some of the issues in our marriage. I take responsibility not only because of how I was but because of how cancer impacted my marriage and how it impacted him the second time around. I don’t think I’m going to be single forever. I have to love myself and reckon with the past, really, before I can move forward, and now I’m pretty sure I’ll meet somebody — hopefully soon.’

Sadly, Doherty didn’t get the chance to fall in love again following her divorce. Heck, she only got divorced the day AFTER she passed away. The fact that her divorce was finalized in the end was something to be celebrated because in doing so, it had done the following:

• Allowed Doherty’s estate to remain under her control.
• Prevented Iswarienko from challenging Doherty’s estate. 
  

And if the divorce hadn’t be finalized, there would’ve been much greater consequences for her family and the legal battles to have come after Doherty’s death. This includes

• Iswarienko could have been named her legal heir.
• Iswarienko could have been granted half of Doherty’s separate property and full rights to their community assets.

The consequences would’ve been much greater than what Doherty had initially accused him of had the divorce not been finalized, which was exactly why having the divorce finalized, even the day after her death was such a big win for her. Now, after years of agony, Doherty can rest in peace knowing her ex will get absolutely nothing out of her. With that being said, there’s so much to be taken away from Shannen Doherty’s divorce; for any woman out there, but even more so for a woman going through an illness.

• It’s important to have a written agreement regarding property and rights.
• When one partner has a terminal illness, the divorce process can be challenging. 
• Never rely on a verbal agreement unless it’s recorded on tape.

I know that throughout this entire blog’s website, all I do is praise my husband. And i understand if it comes as a shock or confusion that I put an emphasis on the importance of having an agreement in case of a divorce or separation, especially in illness and/death. Let me clear that my husband and I both have written agreements ready and signed in a case of a divorce, and specific instructions made in case of a death. Is doing so wasn’t ever for a lack of love, or local of trust, or a lack of care. It was about both of us being smart in our decisions.

By definition marriage is:

• A contract that establishes rights and obligations between the couple. 
• A way to make a relationship public, official, and permanent. 
• A reference to the ceremony that creates the marriage relationship.
• Regulated by laws, rules, customs, beliefs, and attitudes. 
• Dissolved only by law, through divorce.

There’s nothing romantic about marriage. I mean, there is. You get married because you love the person you’re married to; if you marry the right person and for the right reasons, of course. But marriage is more than just about romance. Romantic love is important in a marriage, but it’s not the only factor that contributes to a successful relationship. Marriage is a legal contract between two people, and that’s something not to ever be forgotten. Marriage is also about work. Marriage requires effort and understanding to work through differences and live together harmoniously. Marriage is about partners supporting each other and growing together.

No one, I don’t think, ever gets married thinking they’ll get a divorce. And yet, 50% of marriages do end in divorce. There’s something to be said about that. There could be many reasons for a couple to separate, with them being:

• Lack of commitment: A common reason for divorce, cited by 75% of people in one study 
• Infidelity: A common reason for divorce, cited by 59.6% of people in one study 
• Conflict and arguing: A common reason for divorce, cited by 57.7% of people in one study 
• Marrying too young: A common reason for divorce, cited by 45.1% of people in one study 
• Financial problems: A common reason for divorce, cited by 36.7% of people in one study 
• Substance abuse: A common reason for divorce, cited by 34.6% of people in one study 
• Domestic violence: A common reason for divorce, cited by 23.5% of people in one study

An illness is also a cause for a divorce. Statistics show that when one person in a marriage has an illness, the likelihood of a divorce is 75%. The likelihood of a divorce when two people are ill is 95%. With all that said, husband and I have no business still being married. Ano yet, we are. We never stop working on our union. We’re always committed to make our marriage work. It’s not always glamorous. It can be muddy at times. But we make sure we clean off that mud time and time again. Statistics also show that the likelihood of a divorce when a couple has a disabled child is 80%. This statistic made me appreciate my parents’ marriage even more than I ever have before. They, too, faced a lot of mud in their marriage, which I won’t get into. But nevertheless, they always somehow made it work.

Shannen Doherty’s marriage was part of a statistic that is infidelity and illness. But it never made her weak. If anything her divorce proceedings made her stronger. She once said, ‘I was raised to stand up for myself, if I feel I’m in the right. Maybe it would have been best if I’d just gone home with my swollen cheek.’ And that she did, even in death. Following her death, Doherty’s doctor shared what her final days looked like. He told People magazine, ‘We kept going until we couldn’t go any more. The last conversation that we had, she was in the process of realizing that things had taken a pretty significant turn. The conversation was about love and support and caring and still fighting through. She wanted to continue to take treatment and fight through, even though her physical condition had taken a bit of a downturn. And so we did. In the last few hours, she was in a place where she was very comfortable and sleeping and transitioning, and she was surrounded by some of her very close friends. The room was surrounded by a select group of friends that were giving her a lot of care and support. It was somber and sad, but beautiful and loving. The hardest thing about this was that she wasn’t ready to leave because she loved life.’

She loved life, and it’s so sad that she passed away. She wasn’t done living, loving, doing what she did best in the world. She was doing work in advocacy until the very end of her life. She never stopped. She saw her life as half full, and that’s tragically beautiful. Even in death, she’s still teaching us valuable lessons, and I’m so glad to see her advocate continuing on with her podcast and more….