Kristin Cavallari: How To Spot Narcissistic Abuse – The 13 Characteristics Of A Narcissistic Parent, Romantic Partner, And Friend

It seems as though when we talk about ‘The Hills’ or anyone that’s ever appeared on the show or its 2019 reboot, ‘The Hills: New Beginnings’, Lauren Conrad’s name could never not be even remotely mentioned. We’ve been talking about ‘The Hills’ for the past two blog posts. This is the third one that’s relevant to the show. Only the first was supposed to be about Lauren, and yet here we are, three blog posts in, and still mentioning Lauren Conrad. To be fair, I don’t think she’ll ever see this website, or the blog posts that mention her. And even if she does, I don’t think I’ll ever hear from her, as I don’t think she’ll ever care for my opinion whatsoever. Whenever her former co-stars have talked about her in recent years, she’s kept quiet. She seems to have moved on from them completely, though she appeared on podcast episodes discussing her past life. More particularly, she appeared on Whitney Port’s podcast, as well as Kristin Cavallari’s podcast with Stephen Colleti, her ex-boyfriend.

The three of them starred together on ‘Laguna Beach’ together, the show that started it all back in 2004. Two years ago, Kristen and Stephen, who also dated back in their high school days, launched a podcast together, ‘Back To The Beach’ as they rewatched episodes of their old reality series. Lauren appeared on their podcast later that year, and both officially apologized to each other for the teenage beef that they’d gone through. Lauren even admitted that she was Team Kristin in the Lauren-Stephen-Kristin love triangle that was played out on the show. And just as a fun fact, it was Kristin who introduced Heidi to Spencer back in the mid-2000’s.

But instead of putting so much time and effort talking about Lauren, I’d like to put that energy into speaking about Kristin. Ok…last thing: Kristin was offered to star on ‘The Hills’ at the same time as Lauren. But because Lauren was the main character already, Kristin backed out. Instead, she replaced Lauren as the ‘main b*tch’ following Lauren’s departure after they both attended Heidi and Spencer’s wedding. That entire episode was orchestrated by the providers of the show. They didn’t want anyone to know Lauren would attend the wedding, so producers had her hide out in a basement, against her will, until they were ready to film.

Since ‘The Hills’ ended, both women moved on to bigger and better things. They both got married, had children, and opened multiple businesses. The only difference is that one is very comfortable appearing and starring on reality television following ‘The Hills’, whereas the other is too traumatized to even watch it. Ok…there are two differences, actually. Lauren Conrad has been happily married to William Teller since 2014 and has two children with him. Kristen has 3 children with retired football player, Jay Cutler. The two married in 2013 and divorced in 2020.

Kristin has had a fairly busy few years, both professionally and personally. In February, news broke that she was dating 24 year old TikTok influencer, Mark Estes. Their relationship seemed happy and blissful. She introduced them to her 3 children. In September, however, the relationship fizzled and the two broke up. On her podcast, ‘Let’s Be Honest, she said of their breakup, ‘He’s been the best boyfriend I’ve ever had. I just know long-term he needs to experience life, he’s young… I started to feel the age a little bit with life experience. I look back when I was 24 and how much life has happened between then, those are crucial years, those are formative years, they’re when you find yourself and he needs to be able to do that.’ In a later episode, she added, ‘I wouldn’t say it’s a deal breaker, but I am not looking to date anyone in entertainment. And, like, I will never date anyone from the DMs ever again because it attracts the wrong type of guy. I’m not kidding, though. I’m telling you right now… My next boyfriend is gonna be my next husband. Okay? I’m already putting that out there.  I can’t keep dating. Like, I am dating, but, like, I can’t keep doing it.’ Nevertheless, the exes seem to be on good terms. Just a few days ago, they were seen hanging out at a bar together.

I listened to the entire podcast episode where Kristin talked about the breakup and what led to it. I thought it was bittersweet. At first, I didn’t understand their relationship. It was weird that a 30-something year old mother of 3 would even want to have anything to do with a 24 year old man that looks like a baby. And I’m not calling her old by any means. I think she looks even better and more beautiful now than she did in her 20’s. But as I listened more to Kristin talk about her now ex, why she was attracted to him, and why they broke up, I finally felt I understood. Estes is a 24 year old man with a soul of a 40 year old, and he would’ve been perfect for her if he was a 40 year old with children. But he’s young. He has things to do. He wants things that Kristin doesn’t want, like more kids. But I think that she even attracted someone like Estes just shows how much work she put in herself, and how much she invested in herself, unlike Heidi (read previous post for reference), following the end of her marriage. That’s something that should seriously be celebrated.

But I don’t want to talk about Kristin’s relationship anymore. I don’t even want to talk about ‘The Hills’ anymore like we have for the past few blog posts. Instead, I want to talk about Kristin as a businesswoman. It’s much more interesting. Between 2018 and 2020, Kristin starred in her own reality show, ‘Very Cavallari’. Kristin’s former co-stars and friends (?) made brief appearances on it too, and of course, they talked about Lauren and the demises of Heidi and Audrina’s respective friendships with her. The show itself, however, actually has nothing to do with Kristin’s time in LA or anyone she hung out with during her ‘Laguna Beach’ or ‘The Hills’ days.

Instead, the show centred around Kristin as she llaunched Uncommon James, a jewellery store located in Nashville Tennessee. It also had a few glimpses here and there into her home life with Cutler, as well as the personal lives and friendships of her employees. More so, how they interfered with Kristin’s business management. And because Kristin’s ex-husband was featured in the show, I have no choice but speak of him as well. It’s not like I want to; believe me, I’d rather not even speak of that piece of work, but I must. I really, really must.

Kristin and Cutler’s separation in 2020 wasn’t their first breakup. They first broke off their engagement in 2011 after having the wedding date set. In her 2016 book, ‘Balancing in Heels: My Journey to Health, Happiness, and Making it all Work’, Kristin opened up about that time in her life. She wrote, ‘A few things needed to change, and I knew the only way Jay would see how serious I was, was if I ended the relationship.’ She also wrote that Cutler envisioned a future where he was the sole breadwinner and his wife stayed home. We all know that that’s not who Kristin is. She’s been working for more than half her life now. She’s an independent woman. Why would she ever stop working for a man? The two got back together later that year, and the rest was history…well, almost. In a season 3 episode of ‘Very Cavallari’, which aired in March 2020, Kristin opened up about a tough time in her marriage. She said, ‘It’s been a bit of a rocky year. I feel like the older you get, the more you realize who is supposed to be in your life. You figure out who your real friends are — friends come and go. It’s nice that I have you as my constant. You’re my common denominator.’ By April 2020, the former couple announced that they were divorcing.’

I never watched ‘Very Cavallari’ to its entirety; only the clips that are available on YouTube. From what I’ve seen, I can honestly and truthfully say that Kristin is a badass of a businesswoman, and I might’ve underestimated her in the past. In a short period of time, Uncommon James went from simply being a jewellery line, a jewellery store while also expanding to skin care and home decor to opening a second location. Jay Cutler’s life didn’t go according to his plan at all during that time. After retiring from the NFL, he became a stay-at-home-dad to his and Kristin’s 3 kids while she worked her a** off on making Uncommon James a success and turning it into what it is today. He helped here and there of course, as a moral support and doing any physical labour that needed to get done.

In the years since her divorce, Kristen didn’t reveal any details as for the reasons for why it didn’t work out between her and Cutler. The worst thing she ever said about her marriage was that it was toxic and that getting divorced was the best decision she ever made. And there’s a very good reason why she’s keeping quiet: her kids, especially her oldest, who’s now 12 and googles his parents. Nevertheless, the dynamic of their relationship was fairly telling just by seeing the two on-screen. Again, as I mentioned before, Cutler’s perfect world in his marriage to Kristin would be if he was the one working and she stayed home with the kids. Kristen would NEVER. She might’ve been home more than usual with the kids when he was still playing for the NFL, but things certainly changed once he retired. That part of their marriage played out on ‘Very Cavallari’.

The thing about Cutler was that he was supportive of Kristin’s business, and yet his support always came with some sort an agenda one way or another. For example, there was one instance, at least one that I saw, where Cutler went to the Uncommon James to check on her employees while Kristin was out of town. But it seemed to that he’d done that because of his own agenda. In a confessional, Kristin admitted that Cutler had previously told her that he owned half the company. She said that while laughing, but it really wasn’t funny. On the contrary, as soon as I heard Kristin’s words coming out of her mouth, Cutler’s motives became questionable. Is he doing so much work helping her because he’s a supportive partner or is he helping her because he thinks he’s getting half of the company in a case of them getting divorced? In another scene when Kristin was telling about the problems that she was having with Shannon, who was doing social media work at Uncommon James, he didn’t hesitate to tell her he owned half the company. When she said he didn’t, he said it again.

Throughout the show, Cutler seemed to be insecure of Kristin’s success, and with that, he tried so hard to hold her back. There were at least three instances that I can think of. The first was when he was questioning Kristin’s financial management when she said that the money she made was her money, and the money he made was their money. She made a very good point that women need to invest in their money and put aside what they make for their own spending. All he did was roll his eyes at her and smirk. Then there was the time when Cutler said to Kristin that he wanted to get an allowance from her, to which she said that she didn’t get an allowance when he was in the NFL. He tried to undermine her by saying she had a credit card. Finally, was an instance where he tried to get Kristin to sell her business and retire sooner rather than later so she could be at home with the kids. As discussed earlier, Kristin isn’t one to be a stay-at-home-mom, and that’s not a dig towards the wonderful and hard work that stay-at-home moms do. It’s just not who Kristin is. He knew that. There were reasons why they initially broke off their engagement in 2011, and that was one of them. She made it clear to him that she wouldn’t give him the life that he envisioned for himself back in 2011, and then years later, and a marriage and 3 kids later, he still tried to get her to agree to make a life that he wanted for himself, as well as for his ‘perfect marriage’.

Kristin’s friends, including Justin Anderson and now-former friend, Kelly Henderson, were vocal on the show about how ‘perfect’ Kristin and Cutler’s relationship was. But the fact of the matter is, it wasn’t. In fact, no relationship is ever perfect. Every relationship has its ups and downs. Kristin was very much aware of that. At the time of filming, the marriage was at its low point, and they were trying to work things out. But Cutler’s insecurities of his life post-retirement and with Kristin being a working mom and a boss got the best of him. So much so that he even humiliated her in public for being the breadwinner of the family, a role he envisioned to uphold, during a dinner with her friends. He seemed to have no problem embarrassing her, but when he felt someone embarrassed him during that same dinner, he stormed off.

I mentioned Kristin’s ‘Let’s Be Honest’ podcast earlier in the blog post. Sometimes she does episodes where she’s the only one talking, and other times, she has different guests contribute as well. Guests included people she knows in her personal such as Heidi and Spencer, Justin Anderson, and her now ex, Mark Estes. Other times she does interviews with people outside her circle, and one of these people was Sherrie Campbell. On that particular episode, they were talking about surviving narcissistic abuse. More specifically, parental abuse. Kristin survived narcissistic abuse that she’d endured at the hands of her father. Finally, after an incident that happened that had to do with her children, she cut him off completely. I related to that specific episode so much as I have family members and friends who’d survived narcissistic abuse. I’m the wife of someone who’d survived narcissistic abuse, and he practically has the same exact story as both Kristin and Dr. Campbell. Just recently, my husband recently said that if it weren’t for the support of me and my parents, he’d probably still be living at his father’s basement because he’d be too scared to leave, and if ever got the courage to, his father would hold him back from doing so. The best way I could describe a person surviving narcissistic abuse is by relating it to one particular scene in ‘Pain Hustlers’, which stars Emily Blunt, Chris Evans, and Catherine O’Hara. Blunt and O’Hara play Liza and Jackie respectively, a mother and daughter who have a strained relationship. In the scene, Jackie tells her daughter she taught her how to be a survivor. In turn, Liza screams hysterically, ‘No, Mom, I survived YOU!’

On the episode, Kristin spoke about how growing with her narcissistic father led her to her to get into romantic relationships with men who had narcissistic behaviours. She spoke of one in particular. She ever used his name, but I personally believe she spoke of her ex-husband. I base that assumption on all the things and little details she gave in her conversation with Dr. Campbell, and then comparing them to what I’d seen in their relationship dynamic and it’s dysfunction on ‘Very Cavallari’. The thing about Cutler is that didn’t shy away from trying to make Kristin feel small or make her feel less than. It almost seemed like it was a joke to him. My assumptions seemed to have been confirmed as Kristin did another podcast episode with Dr. Campbell where they talked about co-parenting with a narcissist.

Narcissism and experiencing narcissistic abuse isn’t just experienced at the hands of a parent or a spouse. It can also be at the hands of a friend. When we think of ‘Very Cavallari’, we don’t just think of Kristin, but also those who she’s surrounded by. These of course include her husband, her employees, and her close circle of friends who appeared on the show. I previously mentioned Justin Anderson and Kelly Henderson. They played a big role on the show. Kristin and Justin are close friends to this very day, and he appeared as a guest on Kristin’s ‘Let’s Be Honest’ podcast. Kristin and Kelly, however, are no longer friends. The demise of their friendship was chronicled on ‘Very Cavallari’. The entire ordeal was messy. Kelly was accused of having an affair with Kristin’s husband at the time. Kristin didn’t believe the rumours were true and thought nothing of it. It was Kelly’s actions, or lack of, that put an end to their 8 year friendship. Kristin tried to work things out with her friend, but all her friend did in return was ask questions about the show and the production. She also kept publicly posting about Cutler when she really should’ve been quiet. According to Kristin, Kelly was very hostile and defensive with her in the aftermath of the affair rumours until she completely ghosted her.

Kelly was a big part of ‘Very Cavallari’. She was very much involved in the first two seasons, and she was mostly mentioned in season 3. Her and Justin appeared together as Justin attempted to get her side of the story in the friction between her and Kristin. But again, he got nothing out of it. She just told him she had her own life and stormed off when she felt attacked by Justin. On the contrary, wasn’t even grilling her. He was so nice about it, and was he was calm and collected about the situation. As Kristin spoke with Justin and other friends in her circle about the matter, she said that Kelly didn’t do enough following the spread of the rumours. She said that she felt that Kelly was using her for her own personal gain to get ahead in her career by appearing on the show. I personally believe it’s true. What makes me think that way is when I looked at her Instagram, I noticed that if she posted about Kristin and her friendship with her, she somehow related the post to ‘Very Cavallari’, and nothing more. Watching clips of Kristin navigating the end of her friendship with Kelly was almost heartbreaking to watch. Because she’s been working in the public eye since she was 17, she always felt like she had trouble trusting people and letting people in. She didn’t know if they were in her presence for the right reasons. She was friends with Kelly for a very long time, and she was a good f*cking friend, might I add. Kristin even came to Kelly’s fertility appointment and supported Kelly when she got bad news from the doctor. She was a better friend to Kelly than Kelly was to her, and it was evident. She’d only show up for Kristin if it benefited her, particularly in promoting herself and her brand.

One particular thing Justin said to Kristin was, ‘You don’t take a break from your friend.’ And the reason being is that it made me think of the people I had in my own life and that narcissism I’d endured from them without even realizing it. One particular friendship I had that reminded me of the one Kristin had with Kelly was with someone I was friends with for over 12 years, though the years are questionable as it was a mostly on-and-off friendship. She’d only be friends with me when it pleased her, it seemed. If ever she felt I did the slightest something wrong, she’d ghost me and cut me off, and we wouldn’t speak for years. The first time she cut me out of her life was when she felt attacked by my husband and her boyfriend, who were friends at the time, when they didn’t tell her that she was ‘perfect’. We didn’t speak for two years after that. The second time she cut me off was when I was planning a get-together with friends, and she assumed I didn’t invite her because the Facebook system failed and didn’t sent her an invite. Then someone implied to her that her close friend was talking sh*t about her behind her back, and she automatically assumed it was me. Again, we didn’t talk for two years after that. We then became friends a third time, and it was a good friendship, it seemed; more adult and more mature. She supported me through my fertility struggles, my pregnancy, and the first year of motherhood. After my son turned a year old, however, I saw the relationship fizzle. It wasn’t the same anymore. I kept asking her if she wanted to hang out, and all she kept saying was that she was busy. And yet, all I’d see was her posting content of her hanging out with her friends all the time. It confused me. It was a year ago, and I still hadn’t seen her. The last time I saw her was at my son’s birthday party, and everything was fine. Last time I had a conversation with her was January of this year and she seemed pretty cold with me. I told her I was having a tough time postpartum, and that was the last of it.

Boom! It’s like I didn’t matter to her at all anymore. It made me question whether I mattered to her in the first place. Our friendship was like a game to her. She was only friends with me when it was convenient to her. When we were friends, she’d always say that my husband and I were like family to her. But were we, actually? Because you don’t just ghost your family whenever your family whenever it doesn’t appeal to you anymore. With that said, it made me think a lot about how we, as people, really don’t see what’s under noses right away. We don’t have an understanding of narcissistic tactics. So I wanted to give out a guideline on how to spot a narcissist in your life -whether it’s a parent, a spouse, or a friend. So here we go:

• The other person holds you back from doing what you love. In their own twisted mind, they’re trying to be ‘helpful’, but in reality, they just want you to stay in one place and don’t want you to be successful because they want to control you.
• They laugh at your achievements and mock you at any chance they get. They make you feel small and undermine you, whether it’s in private or in public, but especially in public. They really only need an audience of 1.
• They make you feel guilty about every little thing; like everything is your fault, and they make you apologize for something you didn’t do.
• They don’t show empathy, love, or compassion. They don’t show emotion towards you. Instead, they make you feel like you owe them something. This is especially the case in parental abuse.
• A narcissistic partner uses your kids as a weapon, especially after a breakup. They’ll do anything to make it look like you’re the bad guy in front of them.
• They will come and go as they please, and they’ll only be in your life when it’s convenient for them.
• They have the ‘I’m right, you’re wrong’ mentality, like Danny DeVitto’s character in ‘Matilda’. They want everything done their way. They want to own everything and control everyone.
• They constantly want your attention and validation. They constantly follow you around everywhere you go to get that.
• They believe that everything surrounding them needs to be perfect. They need to be perfect. People around them need to be perfect. Events need to be perfect. And life as whole needs to be perfect and exactly how they envision it.
• They always need to be in control and they want to control you and everything and everyone around them. Their sense of entitlement is logical to them.
• They lack accountability. They often place the blame on you or others, but never on themselves. In their mind, they’re always the innocent ones and everyone else around them is the ‘problem’.
• They lack boundaries. They believe that everyone thinks the same way they do, and if otherwise, they’re stupid, and they have no problem making you feel and look stupid.
• They’re insecure. They perceive every little thing as a threat , such as a tone of voice or a facial expression that someone uses on them.