HEALING DOESN’T MEAN THE DAMAGE NEVER EXISTED

Story By: Candace-Anne Katherine

Healing doesn’t mean the damage never existed.  It means the damage no longer controls our lives”

___Aksahy Dubey Quote

My 30’s were the least enjoyable of my time here on earth – not like a year – but the whole freaking decade. It was a time full of darkness & profound sadness.  I don’t think anyone could have prepared me for the darkness I would experience or the pain that would be weaved so tightly into my soul – that I could barely breathe.  This was a far cry from the “dreamer” I was in my teens/twenties – the dreamer that wanted to explore the world, enjoy life, dance, travel – but most importantly live life on her terms – trying hard to not repeat what she saw happen in her childhood.   She wanted to be different than her family – wanted to spread her wings – wanted to show “them” that life was expansive & beautiful and not just full of heartache, sadness or darkness.  However, in the search for belonging, I lost “her” and made an “unconscious” choice to put myself into a situation that ultimately – had far reaching repercussions. 

So for 10 years…

I simply “existed”
I was in a deep depression
I only got up because I had to go to work (thank goodness I had that)
I excessively consumed unhealthy foods because I had so much pain & hurt
I slept because that helped me NOT feel my pain
I cried daily because I did not know any other way of coping
I was angry & defensive because I didn’t know how else to be
I wanted to “opt” out more times that I can count
The pain/hurt literally controlled my life – from the time I woke up until I went to bed every day for 10 yrs.

During this time – I viewed my life as “happening to me”.  I blamed the people I needed to blame in order to feel some sort of relief for the emotional pain I woke up with every day.  There was no way – I thought for even a moment that I had any part to play in the pain I was feeling or that I could somehow choose to feel differently.  I wanted to feel justified & everyone to agree with me.  I guess it worked on some level – but the healing – the relief – never came.   It wasn’t until something my sister said to me, towards the end of this decade that hit me right in my gut (because I knew she was right) – but at the same time made me incredibly angry – because I thought how dare she!  

The thing is – is that I was stuck in second gear.  I was always complaining about the same thing, blaming, being angry & truth be told I am most certain that it got quite annoying and tiring to hear the same thing over & over for 10 years.  So as family does – being supportive and loving they listen & hold you while you cry – but on this day – my sister said to me “Candace, stop giving your power away!”  Oh how I remember wanting to yell at her – and tell her she had no idea!  But I was in shock and asked her why she would say that.  That conversation has stuck with me for the last 13 years. 

So not long after this, around the age of 38 I started to beg for change in my mind & in my heart, to escape the hurt, to feel youthful & alive again – alas I had no idea how it would happen, and did not think it was possible.  All I knew was that I wanted to magically wake up one day have someone to take my hand, tell me they had a solution, that they would show me the way. That didn’t happen of course – and it was still about 5 years from this point before significant change happened.  

This change – came unexpectedly on February 10, 2013.  Only about 40 minutes into my second snowmobile ride ever – I hit a tree head on!  I damaged my liver, shattered my right arm, had a concussion, PTSD and was in ICU for 5 days.  I knew from the instant that the accident happened that something had changed – but no idea what that meant. 
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Now, almost a decade on the other side of this – I am going to very honest & say this has not always been easy or fun. I will also say, that I had to take responsibility for my healing & decide that I was committed to all possibilities to move through the pain – without having a clue how it was going to unfold.   The journey has not been a straight line.  It has weaved up & down, sideways, forwards and backwards.  I have cried, ached, felt lost but – all of that has brought me to where I am today.  I consciously made a choice to face all the feelings & the decisions of my past.  I have had to forgive myself and get through the shame & guilt with love & acceptance for myself & everyone that was part of that shared experience.

Today, I understand that it is ok to feel sad when a memory resurfaces – that I can hold space for myself in those times and yet not stay stuck in the story or repetitive thoughts or responses from a decade ago.  I also understand that our traumas/hurts are our most teachable moments. All we need to do is give ourselves grace & time to let the healing happen by being willing to take the first step, asking what is it that we need to know, and being open to the path of healing in whatever form it appears. 

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