Story By: Ashley Jackson
Dear Cancer,
Why did you enter my life? You turned it upside down and inside out.
Why did you pick my loved one? Making him hurt so much and I wish I could take the pain away from him.
Why did you change the course of our lives? We just got engaged and at the top of the world.
Why did you make me feel so lonely? I felt lonely even in a crowded room with doctors, nurses, and my loved one.
Why did you have to make me see my loved one at his lowest and weakest? I hadn’t even taken the vow “even in sickness and health” but here I am.
Why did you take his dignity? The poop, vomit, and other bodily fluids I had to continually clean was not fun.
Why do you constantly cause me anxiety and stress? You will always be lurking in the shadows and his cancer status can easily change at ANY moment.
Why did you make me realize who my real friends are? Cancer makes your REAL friends step up and step out for you!
Why is so much pressure put on me but there’s no support for ME? I was often lost during his treatment and even though there’s social workers for you, YOU (the caregiver) are left to your own devices to seek them out.
Why can’t I take care of myself? I often feel guilty for taking care of my own needs, thus thrusting me into burnout.
Why did I worry about what others would think so much? I was so worried that I was failing as a caregiver and that his family thought I was weak.
Why are you laughing at me? During his treatment, there were times that the tumor would shrink then it would grow again and almost double in size. I almost felt like you were laughing at me from inside his body.
Why did you make me hate his body so? I had to shift my mindset to understanding that I was mad at his body for failing him and NOT HIM.
Why do you make Troy question his very existence? I know Troy wonders why cancer affected him and not his brothers. I know that hurts him and has made him question what he should be doing with his life, I know he is on the right path to discovering it and I have no doubt that he will have the last laugh.
Why have you affected so many of my loved ones? I have lost one too many loved ones in my life to this disease. I won’t let you take one more.
Why did you make me question myself? Oftentimes I would question my decisions that I would have to help him make on behalf of his own care. Constant murmurs of my anxiety and running thoughts, manifested itself into stomach ulcers and migraines.
Why did you make me question God? I wondered, how could God not only take my Daddy away but allow the man I want to spend my forever with, also die? How could that be? It was so frustrating and enraging.
Why do you leave me with so many unanswered questions? Literally makes my head spin and my heart hurt.
Ways to connect with Ashley
www.timelessdreamevents.com
(937)369-8405
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