A PEEK INTO A LIFE OF A CAREGIVER

Story By: Ashley Jackson

I will never forget March 28, 2017, when the doctor told us that my fiancé, Troy, had Stage 4 squamous cell carcinoma of the nasal cavity. Oh, and by the way, it was a rare type of cancer with a 35% survival rate. We were devastated, especially because Troy just proposed to me on January 1, 2017! Instead of throwing an engagement party, we were going to start going through many rounds of chemotherapy, radiation, and surgeries.

Troy’s hospital was one and a half hours away, one way…so imagine having to drive up and down the highway every day. Exhausted and worried does not even begin to explain what I was feeling, so I cannot even begin to imagine how Troy felt. I never thought at the age of 31, I was going to have to be a caregiver! Not only a caregiver, but I was the sole breadwinner, housekeeper, chauffer, and cook.

Being the caregiver to my fiancé, while also acting in survival mode led me to put myself on the back burner and I had become complacent in life and work. I’ve always had a go-getter attitude, but my spirit was broken. I had the awareness to realize my complacency, but never wanted to fully acknowledge it therefore, never having to act on it. It is interesting during this time, that even though I didn’t even know what a caregiver was, I had become one! Up until this point, what I knew a caregiver to be was someone who helps their elderly parent. I didn’t realize caregivers can be from different walks of life, different ages, and taking care of more than someone who is elderly and/or physically sick. I didn’t even KNOW I was a caregiver until a nurse pointed it out to me. A caregiver oftentimes gets thrown into caregiving situations in a blink of an eye, with little to no regard of what she or he may already have on their plate. 

I remember the day when Troy was diagnosed and my brain being in such a fog. I didn’t know what to think! I was sad because our lives were going to change. Not sure what that change looked like, but I just knew what I had planned in my head for us, was not to be. I was angry because Troy was only 37 and we worked out regularly, he was healthy overall. I wanted to scream because how dare cancer? Just the thought of losing my soon to be husband, made me ill. I also felt guilty. Why guilty, you say? Well because for a couple months, Troy had been complaining about headaches and had been having more frequent and severe nosebleeds but because I told him to self-medicate with cold compresses and Advil or Tylenol if it made him better then don’t worry about going to the doctor. He put his trust in me and my words and look where it got him, look where it got US! I felt so foolish and that I had failed him, what a great fiancé I was turning out to be. I can’t even make sure he stays healthy. 

Troy never made me feel like I was a failure, even though I felt like one which he made evident all the way through his treatment phase. Remembering when a pharmacist came to talk to Troy and I about the different medications that he would be on and even gave me a calendar and clearly marked it there when I should give him his medicine. It was imperative that he take certain medications at specific times, so that he wouldn’t have an adverse reaction to the chemo. There were so many pills, I instantly felt anxious just looking at the bottles, at one point he was on about six or seven different medications. I was so nervous that I was going to mess up and have a hand in him getting sick, Troy would always encourage me and tell me that he trusted me and that I am doing a good job. Troy’s kind and encouraging words kept me pushing forward despite my apprehension.  

All the anxiety, stress, lack of proper nutrition, and lack of sleep did catch up with me. I remember having the worst migraines, stomach ulcers, anxiety attacks, and weight gain during this period in my life. Because while helping Troy go through his treatments, I was also planning our wedding. Troy did NOT want to cancel the wedding, as the vision of seeing me walk down the aisle gave him the hope and motivation to overcome and beat cancer. I remember my first sign of caregiver burnout, which spilled out while I was trying on wedding dresses. I kept an upbeat and positive mindset, but it was extremely hard. I cried during my dress fitting and not because I found MY dress, but for the fact that my Dad wasn’t going to be able to walk me down the aisle nor was I sure that I would have someone to walk down the aisle to. It was a beautiful moment that was stained by anxiety surrounding Troy’s health. 

This was no small feat and took a lot of determination and heart. Planning an event with someone who may not survive to that date can be nerve-wracking and scary, but we did it! In August of 2018, Troy and I got married and the ceremony and reception were filled with so much love and celebratory flair, due to Troy still being alive AND our union! Even with all the ups and downs that comes with being a caregiver, I wouldn’t change my path nor process at all. It has made me the woman I am today, which has also shaped into the couple we are today! Sometimes, the pathway on our journey is bumpy and rough, but the other side is wonderful and shows that the road was worth taking. In March of 2020, Troy was pronounced cancer free! We are so overjoyed and thankful that we have been given another lease on life! We plan to live life to the fullest each day!

Ways to connect with Ashley:

www.timelessdreamevents.com
(937)369-8405