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To fully understand what I’m talking about, you’ll have to read my previous blog where I talk about the difference between someone showing empathy and sympathy towards you. Click here to have a read. When I saw my former friend recently at our mutual friend’s birthday party, the only interaction we had was when she congratulated me and my husband on the birth of our son. My husband asked her what she was congratulating us for at first, and she said she was congratulating us on the birth of our son, and with a smile and a giggle, she added that it was the most important thing. She herself has two children of her own. You’d think she’d know what she was talking about, but…

Don’t get me wrong; having a child is a precious gift. It’s a blessing, especially after going through years of infertility and not knowing whether you’d even be able to have a child in the first place when it was something you wanted your entire adult life and when it was something you envisioned for your future. If I were to be told that having children was the most important thing in life back when I was going through my fertility struggles, I’d believe them. All I craved for was for my body to ‘start working and doing what it needed to do’, which was to get pregnant. But I’d gone through so much since then that I realize it’s just not the case. A woman isn’t defined by her body.

Having children isn’t the most important thing in life. Some people shouldn’t even have children in the first place. We live in a world where having children is now a choice. We see more and more people live child-free lives. Not because they can’t have children, but rather because they CHOOSE not to have children. Now that I do have a child of my own just like I wanted and chose to along with my husband, I understand why people choose not to have children more than ever. Firstly, having a child is costly. It’s even more expensive now with inflation and such. When you have a child, everything else in your life isn’t a priority. Your only priority is your child, and the most important thing for you to do as a parent is to make sure you give them the best of everything. You now have very little time for yourself, and when you do, you should consider yourself lucky. As a parent, particularly a good parent, there’s no such thing as being selfish anymore. Some people want to be selfish, and that’s absolutely okay. These people are just not meant to have children, and if they do have children but still choose to be selfish, the children are the ones that are suffering.

My views on the importance of having children completely changed when my first and only round of IVF didn’t work. Everything that had to be done throughout the entire process was really affecting my health. I was at a breaking point. I’m not even talking my mental health during that time. I ended up getting pregnant on my own, and it was a big surprise. I was ready to give up on having children altogether because I didn’t want having children getting in the way of my health, and it was a relief when I found out I didn’t have to even consider anything relating to IVF anymore, at least for the time being.

My pregnancy was anything but easy. Any pregnancy is hard. Mine was high-risk. Many women in my position are told not to even think about getting pregnant in the first place. I suffered two grand-mal seizures, and I was afraid of losing the baby or that the baby would be born with health struggles because of it; not to mention how the grand-mal seizures could’ve affected my health considering they happened during pregnancy. On top of the two grand-mal seizures, I was involved in a minor car accident and fell down the stairs while pregnant. After each ultrasound and appointment with my OB, all I got was good news. My son is now 3 months old and healthy as a cucumber. That’s all I could ever ask for.

Having children isn’t a necessity in the 21st century. It’s not the most important thing in the world to bring a child into the world. We can live happy lives while living child-free lives. It’s a privilege and a choice to have children. The most important thing in the world is your health because without your health, you really have nothing. Then when you’re healthy enough to have a child and decide that you’re ready to have everything it takes to have a child of your own, the most important thing should be that your child is healthy. The most tragic thing in the world is watching your child struggle and you feeling numb to your child’s pain because there’s nothing you can do to help them.

All I could ever say to my former friend is that as a a wife, I hope she’d never have to witness what my husband had witnessed. But more importantly, that as a mother, she’d never have to witness any of her children struggle as much as my mom watched me struggle. Maybe if she ever did, she’d understand where I’m coming from in the first place. I have no ill will towards her, though. I wish the person in question all the best, but what’s done is done. There’s no going back. There’s nothing else for us to talk about. I have no trust in her anymore. I’d always have my doubts about her and her intentions.

I’m now a mother, and I have to take care of myself and my health first. I won’t tolerate anyone who’s ever in the way of that. I have to be the best version of myself for the sake of my son, and the best version of myself is when I’m healthy. Anyone or anything that derails it will be out of my life for good no matter what. As a woman who always wanted to have children, I used to think that it’s the most important thing in the world – to have a child or even two. Now that I’d gone through everything I went through to get to where I am now, I realize that it’s all an illusion.

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  1. Wow that was so powerful! You are amazing and it takes courage to speak out about motherhood away from what’s considered the norm of the experience. Sending you love🥰🤗

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