The Graceful Boon

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Just as I mentioned in my previous post, the Met Gala took place recently, and just like always, it was the most fashionable event in the celebrity circle. Kim Kardashian attended the event just as she does regularly. She famously wore Marilyn Monroe’s dress to last year’s event while bringing her boyfriend at the time, Pete Davidson. She was photographed chatting with him and Usher that Monday, so here’s a little cheer to friendly, drama-free exes. It’s more than one could ever say about her ex-husband and the father of her 4 children, Kanye West, anyway.

Kim attended the Met Gala alongside her sisters Kylie and Kendall Jenner. Kendall Jenner posed with her best friend, Gigi Hadid on the red carpet, which is ironic as Hadid is best friends with Taylor Swift, who’s famously been feuding with the Kardashian – Jenner family since practically 2009 through their association with Kanye West. It was a full circle moment for Swift, who didn’t attend the event. She hasn’t attended the Met Gala since 2016, which was where she met her now-ex-boyfriend, Joe Alwyn.

I’ve referenced both Taylor Swift and Kim Kardashian quite a few times on the blog. They’re both businesswomen in their own right. Say what you want about them, but they’re both smart and talented. And yes, I do realize I called someone like Kim Kardashian talented. She’s come a long way since the (in)famous sex tape days that got her and her family the fame they craved for. She’s now on the road to becoming a lawyer, and she even recently said that she’d be okay with leaving reality TV behind to work as a lawyer full-time. It was surprising to read considering reality TV is what the family’s been about for the past 16 years, and that’s all they’d known.

It was a surprise for me up until I saw some clips of the family’s new Hulu reality show, ‘The Kardashians.’ I was bored just by watching a few clips that were a couple of minutes long each, so I can’t imagine how bored I’d be watching the entire 2 seasons, let alone the third season that’s coming out later this month. Even the trailer for it seemed so bland. I did, however, enjoy watching Youtubers’ commentaries on the show. Watching them analyze the show and each episode was so entertaining that I ended up watching them the entire day. I can’t even say it was a waste of time because that’s how the idea for this particular blog post came to be.

It was actually what Kendall Jenner said in particular that caught my attention in one scene, and I couldn’t help but write about it. She said to one of her sisters (the show is so boring that I don’t pay much attention as to who’s talking to whom and who’s interacting with whom in a scene), that in order to have a breakthrough, one needs to have a breakdown. This was probably the smartest thing anyone’s ever said the entire show. I’m not including ‘Keeping Up With The Kardashians’ or its many spinoffs because those were actually good.

Kendall, who along with her sister Kylie barely even appear on the show according to Youtubers who thoroughly analyze the sh*t out of the show, really made me think and analyze my own life breakdowns and breakthroughs. I’ve come to the big realization that I had many breakdowns in my life, but only one breakthrough. If you’ve been following me for a while, you know that I had a major life trauma when I was 18 years old – someone I thought was my friend sexually assaulted me in my own room. This one single thing heavily affected me for the next 15 years in more ways than one. Just when I thought I overcame that pain many years after the deed was done, something triggered me. I actually remember that day so vividly. It was a December evening in 2019. To be exact, it was December 15th, 2019 – exactly 12 years to the day of the sexual assault.

Friends of friends of ours initially invited me and my husband, as well as our mutual friends to their house on a December 7th. A few days before we were scheduled to come over, we were asked if the dinner date could be rescheduled to the following weekend, which would’ve been the 15th of December. I was very hesitant to accept the invitation because of the date move. December 15th of every year since 2007 is, what I call, a day of mourning. It’s a day where I just lay in bed, sleep, and cry to myself. I also sit on the couch, watch all the sh*tty movies I could come up with, eat all the junk in the world, and cry some more and more and more. All I’d ever do that day was cry. I wouldn’t speak to anyone. I wouldn’t make any plans for that day. I wouldn’t answer any phone calls or any text messages. No one would hear from me as I’d go ghost until the very next day.

I voiced my concerns to my husband and he told me it was utterly up to me whether we go or not. I decided to go to the dinner just for the mere reason that I didn’t want to miss out. I now realize that it was a stupid reason for me to decide to go when I didn’t actually want to be there. Being afraid to miss out on something is never a good enough reason to go somewhere that you don’t actually wish to. I realized that just as soon as the party started. It was triggering for me to be there. All I wanted to do was go home to have my day of mourning, but I was stuck being in that happy-go-lucky environment. I realized right then and there that I wasn’t ready to go about that day as if nothing happened. Slowly but surely, my behaviour that night became utterly embarrassing, and it it represented the very difficult day that I was having. To add to that, I found out that the friends of friends were expecting their first child when we arrived. I’d gone through 2 years of infertility struggles by that point in time, and seeing a pregnant woman added to the stress.

My coping mechanism that evening was drinking. The more I drank, the happier I was. It was embarrassing. I stopped having any sort of filter and said exactly what was on my mind at any given moment. It didn’t matter if I were interrupting anyone, if I offended anyone, or if I made any anyone feel uncomfortable. After that night, I never saw the couple who invited us over again, and rightfully so. I wouldn’t want to have any association with the version of me that they saw either. Nevertheless, that evening was something very special to me. It gave me a very important epiphany – I’m not okay yet, but I WANT to be okay.

From then on, I told myself that it was time to work on myself, my body, and my mental health. I wanted to be the best version of myself. The pandemic actually helped me gain the confidence that I so strived to have. I became more self-aware, more resilient, more appreciative. That didn’t mean that the work stopped a year later. The more time passed, the stronger I became. – both physically and mentally. As soon as I found out I was having a boy when I was pregnant, I realized I had to teach him to be a great man for the future. I have to teach him about respect, kindness, and that’s exactly what I’ll be doing as his mother. Now that I really think of it, that particular evening was my REAL breakdown, and it was also my breakthrough; or by the very least, the beginning of the road for a breakthrough.

I really have to thank that fateful December 15th, 2019 evening. Yes, it was absolutely embarrassing and pathetic. I made myself look like a total loser. But if it weren’t for that evening, who knows where I would’ve been now. I’ve lost a heck of a lot in the years since I was 18. I wouldn’t wish this type of trauma on my worst enemy. But I also gained so much more because of it as well. I gained wisdom, strength, and self-love. I can now teach my son a lot more than I could’ve if it weren’t for all that I’d endured.

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