I was recently reminded of my past, and it surprisingly gave me a breath of fresh air. In the past, I’d look back and cringe at the mere thought of my life in the 2010’s. Time seemed to be going still, and yet it flew by in an instant. I guess that’s what happens when so much happens to you in such a short amount of time. It was evident to me that my book, 12 YEARS A WOMAN: MY JOURNEY TO HAPPINESS, was somewhat of a cry for help. I’m not even ashamed to admit that. Now that I look back, Throughout the writing process, I was sad, angry, and anxious due to what I’d endured. The timeline of the book starts out as I became legal age. But the story that you read in the book was about my struggle to cope with the aftermath of my sexual assault. Even though I wrote about my journey to happiness, I was still going through the motions and was still on my journey to happiness when I was writing the book.
When I was getting ready for the book’s release and was endlessly promoting it, I marketed it as my journey to happiness following me surviving a car accident and an epilepsy diagnosis. I wouldn’t say that I was misleading my target audience. I wasn’t lying about the plotline. In fact, the plot had a lot to do with the car accident and my epilepsy diagnosis. It was my epilepsy diagnosis that really changed my life and helped me heal from old wounds. My epilepsy diagnosis was heartbreaking, and I compared it, as well as the aftermath, to me being sexually assaulted years prior. I didn’t feel I could lose any more control of my body, but I did. It was me living with epilepsy and having to change everything about my life that saved me from myself and helped me heal those old wounds.
Now that I’m in a much better state of mind after having my son, I realize that it wasn’t epilepsy that helped me cope and move forward with my life after my sexual assault. Instead, it was the journey I went through to have my son that really helped me move forward with my life. The fact of the matter is, I worked really hard to get to where I am now. I busted my a$$ off to become a mother and I sacrificed my health for it. I wouldn’t trade it for the world now that I have my son, but I must admit, I did consider leading a child-free life following my failed IVF round. My body was failing me and I didn’t know if I was willing to lose my health over someone that wasn’t even here on this earth yet. Not only was my physical and chronic health at risk due to IVF, but my mental health and my marriage, as well as my work, were as well. I just have to say that I admire the women that struggle with infertility and go through dozens of IUI and IVF cycles to get the baby they so desperately wanted. These are the women that really do deserve to be mothers.
Having gone through the worst 5 years of my entire life was what made everything make sense to me. In these 5 years, I had a period of having 50 seizures a day everyday. I had a period of having grand mal seizures on a monthly basis, and just when I was about to recover from one grand-mal seizure, I’d have another. I had a period of experiencing miscarriages and having to postpone my family plans due to my health crisis because what kind of moron would ever even think of having a child when she’s experiencing such a body failure? My body was failing me in more ways than one, and with that, I lost control over my life completely. The wounds I felt in 2007 when I was sexually assaulted felt so fresh in my veins. They never truly faded after that fateful night, and a lot of it had to do with how my life turned out following my epilepsy diagnosis. I did things that I would’ve never done under normal circumstances. I behaved in ways I would’ve never behaved under normal circumstances. And I definitely had people in my life that I called friends that I would’ve never, ever let in to my life under normal circumstances. In many ways, I compared most of the people who were in my life during that time to my rapist. You might call this sad, but I, instead, call it a beautiful tragedy.
My pregnancy was really what made me take control of my life as a whole. My pregnancy was what made me realize my body was getting stronger. It takes a lot of strength to bring a whole human into the world. All that I’d endured during my pregnancy could’ve ended in tragedy, and not a beautiful one, to say the least. The two grand-mal seizure I suffered during my pregnancy could’ve ended my baby’s life before he was even born, as well as mine. But my son was a total champ and survived all odds. At each ultrasound, he looked the the happiest little guy, just like he is now in real life. These two instances during my pregnancy made me realize that I was much stronger than I thought I was. And with that in mind, I took all control over my mind, body and soul. I decided to stop compromising and sacrificing. I decided to chose me first and foremost, both for myself and for my son.
I saw an instant shift in everything about my life as soon as I made for myself, everything improved. I became a calmer and more nurturing person. I got my priorities straight. I wasn’t the angry and bitter person that I used to be. I stopped caring about anything and anyone who wasn’t worth it anymore. It was proven when my parents asked me about someone I used to be friends with more than a decade ago. The friendship ended on bad terms and the police was almost involved. They asked me recently why the friendship ended, and I honestly couldn’t answer them because I completely forgot why it did in the first place. Then my husband and I were at our friends’ house. We’d known them for a decade and met them through someone I used to be friends with. That friendship was utterly toxic and ended on very bad terms, but they’re still friends with her and went to her wedding a couple of years ago. The old me would throw a fist for them even mentioning her name during our outing. The new me, however, was actually happy for my former friend no matter how much she hurt me. I don’t remember why my friendship with her ended, nor do I remember much of anything about our friendship in the first place. It’s just not of importance anymore.
My new outlook on how to live my life has brought so much joy and so much happiness. My chronic, emotional, and physical health improved. I became more present for my husband and my son. I became more present in my work. I wanted to do more. I wanted to see more. Of course, you can’t be happy all the time. Happiness is a serious of moments. I know there will also be moments where my past will haunt me. But I made a promise to myself that I will always enjoy the happiness and the hardships are temporary and solvable. There’s no point at being angry about how your life turned out. It’s a waste of time. It’s time to cease the day and make the best memories – for yourself and for your loved ones – because who the hell knows when your time will come.
One thought on “THE MOMENT I REALIZED I GOT EVERYTHING WRONG ABOUT THE TRUE MEANING OF HAPPINESS”
Wow you have been through so much! Good for you for persevering and becoming the woman you are today!! I enjoyed this post 🙂